New to Group: Here's My Situation

February 14, 2011

Although I am not a clinical psych, I do have schooling in this area, but ended

up as a school psych. I believe my mom has BPD and perhaps Bi-polar as well. I

am 60 and my mom is 86. She has been under Hospice Care twice because she was

dying. I say she has cat DNA in her because she has miraculously survived a

suicide attempt and two Hospice situations. She has non-hodgkins lymphoma and a

host of other health issues. Here's the rub. She is brilliant (losing some of

that now) and refuses to go into an assisted living situation and/or nursing

home. She expects my sis and I to take care of her. We can't because she is so

toxic. We h ave hired care-providers and so far this is working out, although

she can be quite nasty to them. She is the most labile person I know and one

never knows what will be dished up. She managed to avoid any diagnosis because

she never let anyone get that close to her. My question is this: Will she ever

mellow out or will she be nasty even on her death bed. I refuse to be alone

with her because she gets so abusive with me. As you can see, I have set some

boundaries (which my mother hates) and I am sticking to them even though others

probably view me as a bad daughter. People who don't know the situation think

she is this way because she is sick. But, let me tell you, she has been this

way ever since I could remember. About two years ago, she told me that she was

molested as a child. I was the first person she ever said anything to, and she

told me to not tell a soul. She has kept that bottled up for at least 7

decades. Any insight would be appreciated in terms of whether she will ever

mellow out. Thanks. Annie

February 14, 2011

Wow, Annie. That's definitely a tough situation. My nada is still in her 50s, so

I can't really speak to your issues. But there are definitely others on here who

can. I hope they can shed some light on things for you.

>

> Although I am not a clinical psych, I do have schooling in this area, but

ended up as a school psych. I believe my mom has BPD and perhaps Bi-polar as

well. I am 60 and my mom is 86. She has been under Hospice Care twice because

she was dying. I say she has cat DNA in her because she has miraculously

survived a suicide attempt and two Hospice situations. She has non-hodgkins

lymphoma and a host of other health issues. Here's the rub. She is brilliant

(losing some of that now) and refuses to go into an assisted living situation

and/or nursing home. She expects my sis and I to take care of her. We can't

because she is so toxic. We h ave hired care-providers and so far this is

working out, although she can be quite nasty to them. She is the most labile

person I know and one never knows what will be dished up. She managed to avoid

any diagnosis because she never let anyone get that close to her. My question

is this: Will she ever mellow out or will she be nasty even on her death bed.

I refuse to be alone with her because she gets so abusive with me. As you can

see, I have set some boundaries (which my mother hates) and I am sticking to

them even though others probably view me as a bad daughter. People who don't

know the situation think she is this way because she is sick. But, let me tell

you, she has been this way ever since I could remember. About two years ago,

she told me that she was molested as a child. I was the first person she ever

said anything to, and she told me to not tell a soul. She has kept that bottled

up for at least 7 decades. Any insight would be appreciated in terms of whether

she will ever mellow out. Thanks. Annie

>

February 14, 2011

welcome! will she be nasty even on her death bed? yes, I'm afraid its very

likely that she will be.

>

> Wow, Annie. That's definitely a tough situation. My nada is still in her

> 50s, so I can't really speak to your issues. But there are definitely others

> on here who can. I hope they can shed some light on things for you.

>

> >

> > Although I am not a clinical psych, I do have schooling in this area, but

> ended up as a school psych. I believe my mom has BPD and perhaps Bi-polar as

> well. I am 60 and my mom is 86. She has been under Hospice Care twice

> because she was dying. I say she has cat DNA in her because she has

> miraculously survived a suicide attempt and two Hospice situations. She has

> non-hodgkins lymphoma and a host of other health issues. Here's the rub. She

> is brilliant (losing some of that now) and refuses to go into an assisted

> living situation and/or nursing home. She expects my sis and I to take care

> of her. We can't because she is so toxic. We h ave hired care-providers and

> so far this is working out, although she can be quite nasty to them. She is

> the most labile person I know and one never knows what will be dished up.

> She managed to avoid any diagnosis because she never let anyone get that

> close to her. My question is this: Will she ever mellow out or will she be

> nasty even on her death bed. I refuse to be alone with her because she gets

> so abusive with me. As you can see, I have set some boundaries (which my

> mother hates) and I am sticking to them even though others probably view me

> as a bad daughter. People who don't know the situation think she is this way

> because she is sick. But, let me tell you, she has been this way ever since

> I could remember. About two years ago, she told me that she was molested as

> a child. I was the first person she ever said anything to, and she told me

> to not tell a soul. She has kept that bottled up for at least 7 decades. Any

> insight would be appreciated in terms of whether she will ever mellow out.

> Thanks. Annie

> >

>

February 14, 2011

Yikes, that's what I was afraid of. I guess she'll never make peace with my sis

and I then. So sad. Thanks for your responses.

Annie

> > >

> > > Although I am not a clinical psych, I do have schooling in this area, but

> > ended up as a school psych. I believe my mom has BPD and perhaps Bi-polar as

> > well. I am 60 and my mom is 86. She has been under Hospice Care twice

> > because she was dying. I say she has cat DNA in her because she has

> > miraculously survived a suicide attempt and two Hospice situations. She has

> > non-hodgkins lymphoma and a host of other health issues. Here's the rub. She

> > is brilliant (losing some of that now) and refuses to go into an assisted

> > living situation and/or nursing home. She expects my sis and I to take care

> > of her. We can't because she is so toxic. We h ave hired care-providers and

> > so far this is working out, although she can be quite nasty to them. She is

> > the most labile person I know and one never knows what will be dished up.

> > She managed to avoid any diagnosis because she never let anyone get that

> > close to her. My question is this: Will she ever mellow out or will she be

> > nasty even on her death bed. I refuse to be alone with her because she gets

> > so abusive with me. As you can see, I have set some boundaries (which my

> > mother hates) and I am sticking to them even though others probably view me

> > as a bad daughter. People who don't know the situation think she is this way

> > because she is sick. But, let me tell you, she has been this way ever since

> > I could remember. About two years ago, she told me that she was molested as

> > a child. I was the first person she ever said anything to, and she told me

> > to not tell a soul. She has kept that bottled up for at least 7 decades. Any

> > insight would be appreciated in terms of whether she will ever mellow out.

> > Thanks. Annie

> > >

> >

>

February 15, 2011

Hi Annie,

Welcome to Oz!

I'm 54 and my nada is turning 80 next month. My nada is bpd and the only time

her moods mellowed slightly was when she was taking anti-anxiety drugs following

an incident of breast cancer. Since my nada is still alive, I can't share my

experience of what happened on her death bed. Aside from miraculous divine

intervention, its highly unlikely that permanent change will ever occur in her

behavior. It would not surprise me if on her death bed, my nada's narcissism

would kick in. I can envision her trying to persuade everyone of what an

outstanding human being she's been all her life and how everyone else has done

her never understood or appreciated her and done her wrong.

In the past two years I've learned to start recognizing nada's (not a mother)

manipulative tools of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I've set personal boundaries

of what I will and will no longer accept and have distanced myself from her

abusiveness. She tried giving me the " Silent Treatment " to punish me, expecting

it to be as effective as it was when I was a child, but she was wrong. To me,

her silent treatments were sweet and peaceful reprieves which I immensely

enjoyed. She's a dirty fighter who will stop at nothing to get her own way and

once she realized she couldn't push my buttons like she did when I was a child,

she dragged my grown sons into the mix, attempting to turn them against me. In

the past two years, I was No Contact for 3 full months, then very Limited

Contact thereafter, seeing her only on holidays and birthdays - when prior to

that it was 2-3 times a week. Even though it was killing me inside that she was

using my sons to hurt me, I never let her know it and refused to allow her

mean-spirited tactics to hook me back in. She finally seemed to realize she may

never see me again, so for a few months she started being nice to me. But now

she's starting to act up again so I will keep my boundaries in place and remain

distant. She's been my enemy since I was 4 years old, jealous, competitive and

condescending at every turn. Its as though she is not happy unless she's done

her evil deed for the day. Nothing I do or say will ever live up to her

narcissistic expectations. She finds fault with every gift I've ever given her

so I've resolved to stop trying to please the un-pleasable. Now my decisions

involving her are based on what what is best for me....at least then I'm

guaranteed that one person will be pleased!

It sounds to me that you are lovingly trying to respect your mother's wishes to

not be put into a nursing home, however your mother needs more care than you and

your sister can give. Being a full-time caregiver to a non-bpd is stressful and

will burn you out, nobody in their right mind would expect you, at age 60, to

have the physical and emotional stamina to be a full-time caregiver to your

mother. You know you're doing the right thing for everyone involved by

bringing in outside assistance, so stand firm to your convictions. BPDs are

" Black Holes of Need " and she will drain the life out of you while faulting you

for not being more giving.

Your mother is trying to manipulate, control and use you and she's misbehaving

so the help will quit so you'll be forced into submitting into the caregiver

role. If it were me, this is what I would do: Inform your mother, in no

uncertain terms, that these are her ONLY choices:

1. Be nice to the hired help = stay at home.

2. Cause the help to quit = go to a nursing home.

Keep coming back!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, February 14, 2011 7:03:03 PM

Subject: New to Group: Here's My Situation