new to group

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm 43 and the only child of BP. (I do have a half brother 15 yrs. younger

than I am but was not raised with him at all and father didn't have anything to

do with him).

I am both elated and blindsided that I found this group and these books. I just

realized (after reading) that this is indeed a mental illness that lots of

people have. I spent my whole life just thinking I was an enmeshed,

manipulated, too involved with, emotionally abused daughter of a former

alcoholic father with rage and narcissistic tendancies.

I joined the group about 400 messages ago. I am kind of scared to read all of

the messages. While it is great to know that I'm not alone and this is not

" just in my head " as I've been told my whole life or told that it's me with the

problem. I know myself enough to know that I am currently and probably will

beat myself up for not realizing this at age 8 when I was stupid enough to

believe my Dad and turn my back on my Mom all those years ago and go live with

Daddy because he needs me.

I feel terrible for my Mom having to have watched this for 40 years. I also

feel awful that I missed out on my whole life and especially childhood because I

was busy taking care of my Dad and really raising myself.

I'm going to write more about current situation later. For now, I am just in

awe that I'm not alone and this really is going to be the end of my having to

deal with this finally.

Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Hi Kelz,

Sorry you need the group, but welcome!

It is so good to know it's not just you, right?

This group has been a big part of my healing. I'm 43, too, btw!

The way you describe your father sounds like mine. He wasn't alcoholic, but he

definitely had the behavior characteristics of one. I think my grandfather was a

raging one and my father just repeated his life.

Sorry to go on and on...

Again, welcome.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Hi Gail, welcome, you have my sympathy.

>

>

> Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading

> the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously

> wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one

> else really seems to.

> I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am

> convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My

> father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out

> what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read

> about BPD and had an aha moment.

> My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how

> crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My

> brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he

> " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my

> father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is

> chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD.

> My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the

> problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever

> " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has

> " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all

> my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs

> (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her

> either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making

> quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone).

> My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim

> and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will

> bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never

> do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me

> to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and

> vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am

> going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven

> because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will

> never be forgiven).

> The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her

> perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and

> father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her,

> this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me

> to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is

> talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or

> I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time

> she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to

> talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!)

> Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to

> criticize her.

> But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has

> a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although

> not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have

> known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior

> because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me.

> Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more

> from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening.

> Gail

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jesus, Gail. You wrote: " In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be

forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and

will never be forgiven). "

....and that pretty much sums up my Nada to a T.