Inappropriate Confessions from fada and nada

[Guest guest]

I just remembered this incident: When fada and nada came to visit me and my new

husband for a " stay " of a week, somewhere around the second or third day, we

were out in the kitchen and fada made a confession that he had had an affair. IN

FRONT OF NADA! But nada already knew. She was just standing there. In fact, she

probably put him up to this confession. I was in my usual disconnected, smiley

face, frozen inside mode and he seemed to be looking for some kind of

forgiveness. So I said something like, " Well these things happen blah blah. " I

was sick inside that this was happening with my new husband right in the next

room. How dare they bring this kind of dirty laundry into my brand new marriage.

Of course this was them asking me to assume an inappropriate parental role.

Here's the kicker: when I went into my " It's okay, blah blah " routine, fada got

angry. He yelled at me for my forgiving attitude! Only now do I realize that

they were both looking for me to kick his a** and " punish " him so he could take

some medicine and " get over it. " They were looking for ME to administer this!!

And when I didn't give it, they went back to their familiar roles, belittling

and shaming me. I could never do anything right, and hoo boy, NO WONDER!

I had just dismissed this incident for years--it happened 15 years ago, but now

that fada has passed, I guess I'm allowing myself to revisit things without the

KO-goggles. I'm actually having a chuckle writing this, because since the news

that fada passed got to me (it took the Flying Monkeys 6 months to get the news

through) I have seen such a change in myself. I feel like I finally own my own

life and am in charge of it. I feel happy about waking up because I feel so much

free-er. I don't feel so much like a prisoner anymore. Even though I was NC

since 2003, it felt like the witness protection program, always hiding to a

certain extent. I always knew as a small child that I had to fight hard to get

out and achieve things--there would be no support at home. So I did things

anyway, no matter how much dread. But now, to be free of feeling like I'm

battling dark forces to get anything done in the real world. Wow, what a relief.

I have a fair bit of my life left to live, and I'm so looking forward to living

it as a free woman.

Thanks for listening,

AFB

[Guest guest]

I like that analogy and can relate to it. Being in No Contact or virtually No

Contact does feel like being in the witness protection program, wondering if I'm

going to get ambushed.

I'm happy for you that you have relief, can now breathe a deep, free breath and

don't have that worry/fear of being ambushed hanging over your head.

-Annie/anuria

>

> I just remembered this incident: When fada and nada came to visit me and my

new husband for a " stay " of a week, somewhere around the second or third day, we

were out in the kitchen and fada made a confession that he had had an affair. IN

FRONT OF NADA! But nada already knew. She was just standing there. In fact, she

probably put him up to this confession. I was in my usual disconnected, smiley

face, frozen inside mode and he seemed to be looking for some kind of

forgiveness. So I said something like, " Well these things happen blah blah. " I

was sick inside that this was happening with my new husband right in the next

room. How dare they bring this kind of dirty laundry into my brand new marriage.

Of course this was them asking me to assume an inappropriate parental role.

Here's the kicker: when I went into my " It's okay, blah blah " routine, fada got

angry. He yelled at me for my forgiving attitude! Only now do I realize that

they were both looking for me to kick his a** and " punish " him so he could take

some medicine and " get over it. " They were looking for ME to administer this!!

And when I didn't give it, they went back to their familiar roles, belittling

and shaming me. I could never do anything right, and hoo boy, NO WONDER!

>

> I had just dismissed this incident for years--it happened 15 years ago, but

now that fada has passed, I guess I'm allowing myself to revisit things without

the KO-goggles. I'm actually having a chuckle writing this, because since the

news that fada passed got to me (it took the Flying Monkeys 6 months to get the

news through) I have seen such a change in myself. I feel like I finally own my

own life and am in charge of it. I feel happy about waking up because I feel so

much free-er. I don't feel so much like a prisoner anymore. Even though I was NC

since 2003, it felt like the witness protection program, always hiding to a

certain extent. I always knew as a small child that I had to fight hard to get

out and achieve things--there would be no support at home. So I did things

anyway, no matter how much dread. But now, to be free of feeling like I'm

battling dark forces to get anything done in the real world. Wow, what a relief.

I have a fair bit of my life left to live, and I'm so looking forward to living

it as a free woman.

> Thanks for listening,

> AFB

>

[Guest guest]

AFB--

Thanks for sharing this story! I love how you said it: they were looking for

you to be the grown up, and " administer " the punishment.

Wow! I've been put in that position so many times, but never really " saw " it

before I read your post.

So glad you're free. Cheers to freedom!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I just remembered this incident: When fada and nada came to visit me and my

new husband for a " stay " of a week, somewhere around the second or third day, we

were out in the kitchen and fada made a confession that he had had an affair. IN

FRONT OF NADA! But nada already knew. She was just standing there. In fact, she

probably put him up to this confession. I was in my usual disconnected, smiley

face, frozen inside mode and he seemed to be looking for some kind of

forgiveness. So I said something like, " Well these things happen blah blah. " I

was sick inside that this was happening with my new husband right in the next

room. How dare they bring this kind of dirty laundry into my brand new marriage.

Of course this was them asking me to assume an inappropriate parental role.

Here's the kicker: when I went into my " It's okay, blah blah " routine, fada got

angry. He yelled at me for my forgiving attitude! Only now do I realize that

they were both looking for me to kick his a** and " punish " him so he could take

some medicine and " get over it. " They were looking for ME to administer this!!

And when I didn't give it, they went back to their familiar roles, belittling

and shaming me. I could never do anything right, and hoo boy, NO WONDER!

>

> I had just dismissed this incident for years--it happened 15 years ago, but

now that fada has passed, I guess I'm allowing myself to revisit things without

the KO-goggles. I'm actually having a chuckle writing this, because since the

news that fada passed got to me (it took the Flying Monkeys 6 months to get the

news through) I have seen such a change in myself. I feel like I finally own my

own life and am in charge of it. I feel happy about waking up because I feel so

much free-er. I don't feel so much like a prisoner anymore. Even though I was NC

since 2003, it felt like the witness protection program, always hiding to a

certain extent. I always knew as a small child that I had to fight hard to get

out and achieve things--there would be no support at home. So I did things

anyway, no matter how much dread. But now, to be free of feeling like I'm

battling dark forces to get anything done in the real world. Wow, what a relief.

I have a fair bit of my life left to live, and I'm so looking forward to living

it as a free woman.

> Thanks for listening,

> AFB

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, thanks fr the vote of confidence.

Karla, what a terrific compliment, that my post helped you understand something

in your own life.

Gosh, when I remember that frozen, smiley face armor I used to have to wear

around those two--it made me feel dead inside. Does anybody out there have a

clinical definition of this feeling? Is it denial? Disassociation?

-AFB

[Guest guest]

I do that smiley face thing - a lot. And I also joke around a lot to cover

for actually wanting to gouge someone's eyes out. I laugh it off usually.

I'm trying not to.

On Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 2:17 PM, awayfromborderland <

awayfromborderland@...> wrote:

>

>

> Annie, thanks fr the vote of confidence.

> Karla, what a terrific compliment, that my post helped you understand

> something in your own life.

>

> Gosh, when I remember that frozen, smiley face armor I used to have to wear

> around those two--it made me feel dead inside. Does anybody out there have a

> clinical definition of this feeling? Is it denial? Disassociation?

> -AFB

>

>

>