Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. more to come... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ditto. > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > more to come... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 I was the mentally ill retard child who meant well. I had a weird learning disability that was undiagnosed so I was automatically the meek mental kid. Fada was nuts but Nada was never outed. Not sure if she really is or not. My sister sure as hell was the model kid and the therapists are the one who sold me down the river to hell...Fada and Nada gobbled all the f$cking psychobabble up. They said you gotta put this kid in uncomfortable situations to make him grow emotionally. Man! they shutup and scramble when you threaten to sue. > > > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > > > more to come... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 That hits home for me. My nada has BP trait , I think. She doesn't have a diagnosis. Many of the things I've been reading here are familiar. I've spent years convinced that no one would believe me. Drives me nuts, too. > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > more to come... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 , Thanks for posting. I am still afraid at 34. I was so afraid of her back then that one time I cut my own hair at school, because she said she would beat me if I messed it up. Every kid plays and messes up their hair occasionally. She seemed like the model mother from the outside looking in, but no one looked in! Better yet, no one lived in like I had to. A part of me has been angry lately, because no professionals saw through the veneer. Again, thank you for posting . Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 I completely understand this! My nada is also high functioning, or so it seems. My grandmother recently said to me, " just remember the good times " . I said, " I would love to but there are none " . She retorted with a rather punitive tone, " She always seemed fine " as if to say, It wasn't that bad quit exaggerating. ugh! I just have to validate myself. I have often said that I wish my physical appearance would show the grief I have endured but it does not. People look at me and assume wrongly that I am naive, innocent, and young. They think I will eventually learn life lessons, when I'm married, or have kids or whatever. They don't realize that I spent my entire childhood being my parents marriage counselor, being a protector for my siblings and raising my mother who was 100% a child. When they learn the truth they say you're so strong or resilient or smart. I say not by choice. I wish I had had the opportunity to be a child. I never was. When people say " golden child " I feel sad and pain. That is not a child at all but rather a trapped human in a world of pain and fear. My stepfather used to say to me, we must be doing something right because you're a hell of a lot better than those losers. Mom would always say then that we would be pregnant whores if she didn't keep us in line. I get it . It's time for us to have balance. We can be adults today without fearing the joy of embracing the child within. Let your hair down. > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > more to come... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 this really resonates with me too, and she still tries to do that almost every time she talks to me. She even goes as far as pointing out news stories of mothers selling their children into prostitution, or poisoning their children, or making their children get illegal drugs for them to make sure that I know how " privileged " I am for having grown up with a mother like her. > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > more to come... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 " I say not by choice. " OMG YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS! I didn't CHOOSE to be the 7 year old going on 45. I didn't CHOOSE to be a marriage counselor, financial advisor, employment coach, resume doctoring, therapist, economic stream, life 'hole filling', physical therapist, suicide counselor for the criminally insane Nada. I didn't CHOOSE to be so outwardly perfect: blonde/blue/ivory skinned that no one see's the damage done - and thus what they can't 'see' they dont' believe. I didn't CHOOSE to be able to handle 42 balls in the air and thus so overly competent that people just pile more and more on my doorstep. Only recently am I learning to tell people to solve their own issues.... but that has come at a high price. I didn't CHOOSE any of this... I just wanted to be a kid. With a parent (s) to take care of ME. Didn't happen. Lynnette > > > > One of the things that most drives me crazy about my nada is how " highly functioning " she is - in that she hid what she was like with me from lots of people - I was the " golden child " and always as close to perfect as humanly possible for me, and it reflected to all my teachers and friends' parents that she was a great mother, when really it was my fear of her. > > > > Also, my nada would not pit me against siblings (b/c I'm an only child) but she'd constantly point out how my friend's parents were bad parents and she was great, and the worst part was that it was true, like she'd point out how one of my friend's dad's was an alcoholic or deadbeat dad or workaholic and she'd compare her wonderful parenting to that, and by comparison, yes she was a saint, which totally brainwashed me to feeling like she was really a good parent and I was the one who must be wrong if I ever disagreed with her. > > > > more to come... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 It is amazing how everything, different people that weren't in my household, can say speaks directly to my inner being. I long inwardly for a childhood. God, I wish. I felt like I had to take on so much responsibility that was inappropriate. Then as a young adult I got to counsel my parents on their sex lives and try to stop my Nada from shooting my dad with a gun she purchased! She even bragged to me that she threatened to kill him in-person. I know now that I can't do it all over again, but I can try to live my life more abundantly and with stronger boundaries in the future. And if I could do it over again, I would wish for an environment without mental illness. Each response in this thread speaks to my heart! Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 LaTasha, I remember when I was about 9 years old, my mom tried to stab my dad (they weren't divorced yet) with a butcher knife. He had to wrestle it out of her hands! I was so scared I ran out of the house and told my next door neighbor's mom. Then, when my mom found out I said something, she got very angry with me! Annie > > It is amazing how everything, different people that weren't in my household, can say speaks directly to my inner being. > > I long inwardly for a childhood. God, I wish. I felt like I had to take on so much responsibility that was inappropriate. Then as a young adult I got to counsel my parents on their sex lives and try to stop my Nada from shooting my dad with a gun she purchased! She even bragged to me that she threatened to kill him in-person. > > I know now that I can't do it all over again, but I can try to live my life more abundantly and with stronger boundaries in the future. And if I could do it over again, I would wish for an environment without mental illness. > > Each response in this thread speaks to my heart! > > Latasha > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 Geesh, Annie... I hear you say she was angry at you, but your reaction was so, so normal. I am sure many of us have those types of stories, which is sad. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 yep, completely normal. My thinking is, if you don't want people to find out how dysfunctional you are, don't do things that are so out there. What's a nine year old to do? I wanted to feel safe and telling someone made me feel a bit safer. Annie > > Geesh, Annie... > > I hear you say she was angry at you, but your reaction was so, so normal. I am sure many of us have those types of stories, which is sad. > > Latasha > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 yep, completely normal. My thinking is, if you don't want people to find out how dysfunctional you are, don't do things that are so out there. What's a nine year old to do? I wanted to feel safe and telling someone made me feel a bit safer. Annie > > Geesh, Annie... > > I hear you say she was angry at you, but your reaction was so, so normal. I am sure many of us have those types of stories, which is sad. > > Latasha > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 Yeah how dare you tell the neighbors she tried to stab someone to death, that makes her look bad. Even though she did it. I know I'll never get this - when someone does something bad, and then they look bad, why don't they stop doing bad things? How is it the fault of the person who told instead of the person who DID it???? On Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 10:06 AM, CA Annie wrote: > > > yep, completely normal. My thinking is, if you don't want people to find > out how dysfunctional you are, don't do things that are so out there. What's > a nine year old to do? I wanted to feel safe and telling someone made me > feel a bit safer. Annie > > > > > > Geesh, Annie... > > > > I hear you say she was angry at you, but your reaction was so, so normal. > I am sure many of us have those types of stories, which is sad. > > > > Latasha > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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