Dad's recent death, mom's previous suicide attempts

[Guest guest]

My mom is a BPD. About 30 years ago she threatened suicide if i did not do " x. "

(which i did; i was pretty young then!). Then a year or so after that she

attempted suicide in such a way that signalled to me that she was trying to get

my dad to rescue her. This was a big turning point in their relationship and he

acquiesced to her wresting complete control of their relationship, at least in

my humble opinion. In the years that followed, their relationship devolved into

a very unhealthy one whose basis was a tightly woven two-of them against a cruel

world. A paranoid duo, really. during those years, my dad transformed from a

happy, inclusive, family oriented, kindhearted engineer/scientist/nature-loving

teddy bear to a paranoid, lonely, frustrated reclusive resentful, angry,

helpless demoralized and debilitated man. It was agony to watch this, although

thank goodness I saw it from a distance. My dad was given ultimatums from my

mom--either me or her; either his 3 siblings or her; and he chose her. That is

how, in my opinion, his life and his identiy as it existed became tormented and

even destroyed. I tried many many times to have a relationship with my parents,

to little avail.

I believe that my mom broke my dad's spirit. She poisons the relationships of

all those around her, presenting ultimatums in which one must choose between a

relationship with her and a relationship with the people she defines as the

enemy (such as my aunts and uncles!). I was unwilling to make these choices, so

I was rejected, hurled out of her life, again and again. But now I see that the

rejection was a much better alternative to being in a relationship with her! She

has caused so much suffereing for my dad's brothers and sister; for me; and most

of all, for my dad. I can hardly stand to be with her for a whole day or to

touch her, never mind living with her or being married to her or being " with

her " in the biblical sense, as my dad did of course. I feel repulsd by her (and

feel guilty about this sense of repulsion, although i'd like to get over that

guilt, since why would someone healthy be attracted to that?).

My dad died a few weeks ago. Now she wants to be " close " --see me and my kids and

husband and have contact, after years of throwing me out of her life. At first

at the time around the funeral I was happy to be by her side supporting her in

her time of great need. Then I saw her manipulative, passive aggressive

antisocial, cameleonic side all over again. she is brilliant at seeming so

innocent and kind and tiny and needy all at once, making you want to help her

and love her; and once people get close, then she turns on people, degrades and

demoralizes, dominates isolates them and attempts to strip her " loved one " of

their support system so that only she is left. My poor father. Thank goodness i

have not been in the snare.

Therefore, in seeing her behavior and recalling it so vividly, this week I made

the decision not to have a relationship with her anymore in my life, except for

letter writing.

My question is this: how do I notify her of this? As i see it, my best options

are (1)write her a letter telling her that i am sorry, as much as i love her

very much, no calls and personal visits, because i cannot tolerate the certainty

of another rejection, along with the certain pain that would come into my life

if she came back into my life, along with a section about the fact that she has

BPD and here are some excellent resources to help her heal (she is 74); (2) do

not contact her again at all not attempting to explain. the only letters would

be superficial greeting cards.

The problem is that no matter what I do I am afraid that she will try to kill

herself. right now I am plagued with guilt if I write a letter to her saying no

more relationship because then I am afraid she will kill herself. I am also

afraid that she will kill herself if i stop writing, since for a couple weeks i

was exchanging phone calls. So I have this reservoir of guilt and feel damned if

i do and damned if i do not.

i drafted but did not mail a loving letter to her that explained why i could not

see her or talk with her anymore. It also gave information about mental health

resouces for her to pursue (she is 74). A KEY POINT: However, in feeling this

out, I beleive that I will feel less guilty if i do not write and she kills

herslef, than if i do write and she kills herself. this is because at least i

will not think that what i wrote caused her to kill herself.

What ways of eliminating guilt do you think are best? I need to have more

control over this stupid guilt! On an intellectual level I realize that I should

not feel guilty, but on an emotional level I am just not there yet. Has anyone

out there had any success with these guilt issues? And in resolving them?

Even though the second scenario sounds better, I do feel guilty abandoning my

mom in her greatest hour of need after my dad has died. If I thought that I was

not as vulnerable to being harmed by her as I feel, I would not cut off contact

with her, especially at a time like this!

Carolyn

[Guest guest]

Carolyn - we've talked about this choice many times, and most of us here have

come to the point where we wonder how - or whether - to notify Nada that we're

going to a " no contact " or " low contact " mode with her. I think the general

consensus has been that it does no good to make an announcement to her. She

will just use that as fodder for a tirade, or a sulk, or whatever she does when

you cross her. See, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her, so you cannot

possibly have any grounds for your decision to cut ties with her. There is no

way to explain that you've made a logical decision to save your own mental

health. She won't understand.

So - I think you just do what you need to do, without telling her why. If you

want to give her a " weaning period " due to your dad's death, fine. Maybe a

month, in which you steadily decrease the amount of time you allow her to

monopolize your time. At the end of the month, you can go to " superficial mode "

- seasonal holiday cards, bland pleasantries, but no real information about you

or your family that she can use against you, and certainly no invitations to

your home. We've talked at length here about coping mechanisms we can use to

put some space and distance between ourselves and our Nadas - meeting at

restaurants, never getting into the same car with her, etc.

I think the biggest hurdle to all this is giving yourself permission to just DO

IT. If you hear one inkling of suicidal threats from her, call 911 and have her

taken in for a psych evaluation. If she's serious, she needs immediate

attention. If she's faking to get your attention, three days in a psych ward

ought to keep her from making those threats again - at least, not to you. And

if the worst happens and she does end her own life, you have to let yourself

comprehend that it will not be due to anything you did or didn't do.

It sucks to have a BPD parent. Sucks for them, sucks for us. Dealing with it

takes work, but it feels much better when you get a little distance from the

enormous gravitational pull of their sickness.

[Guest guest]

Hi Carolyn,

I know it feels so guilty doing something that you feel is only in the best

interest of your family. I agree with that writing a letter might just

give your mother something to feed off of and cause grief over. I don't think

you need to explain to her why you're limiting her contact or feel guilty for

not explaining it to her. I know that's hard to come to terms with, I'm

struggling with it myself.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and keeps you safe.

[Guest guest]

Dear Carolyn:

I hear the pain involved with your dilemma and please know that any KO who reads

your post will sympathize and feel your position deeply. You face the impossible

choices that all KOs face at some time or another, and the only real comfort to

be found in this place is the knowledge that others have come there before you,

and others will come there after you. It never ends.

So the question you ask is, " What do I do? " You have clearly laid out the

details of nada and the circumstances surrounding fada's death. My condolences,

by the way, on your father's passing.

I think you know what to do. I just feel that from your post. You know what to

do because a decision has been made deep down, and you already feel guilt about

it. My response would be to please tell us what your possible decision is. Why

don;t you write it down and post it and ask for comments from the group. You can

see your thoughts in writing, and then take in the group opinion before taking

any action.

I hope this is helpful, and I will look for your response.

Kindest regards

AFB

[Guest guest]

Another thing I thought to do this afternoon is to send a simple letter that

tells my mom how grateful i am for the good things that she did for me while i

was a child. She got much worse as she got older. Did much more immoral things

that hurt people later in life than when i was a kid. When I was a child she

subjected herself to great inner torment, but by and large she did the best she

could to be a good mother. Although growing up under her was hard, I could see

she was trying to be a loving mom, and often, she was. Sometimes it was very

difficult being her daughter and often when things were hard i perceived her

agony and wished i could rescue her, especially when i was very little.

After I grew up, she made a suicide attempt and at least one other threat and

then she made a decision to throw her pain and anger on to others rather than

just inflicting it upon herself. This actually helped her to feel happier.

That was when she became a person who felt entitled to inflict pain onto others.

She became very domineering and demanded to get her way regardless of the pain

that it caused her " loved ones. " Her demand for control became absolute. It is

as if she went from being a waif to being a dominantly hermitish BP with

recessive waif, and underlying witch qualities that would come out when she felt

anxious, demeaned, excluded, rejected, out of control, fearful, or any other

feeling that she was unwilling to tolerate, as per Lawson's book.

I feel that she played a major role in the destruction of my father as a human

being. She demanded his merger with her, and total control of their

relationship, and I believe that my dad lived with the threat of her suicide

over his head for many years, and she won ultimate control over him in part

because he feared she would do this if he left her or even if he failed to

permit her to control the relationship.

To quote him once, he felt like a caged in animal. In order to be with my mom,

he willingly gave up his relationship with me, his sister, and his two brothers,

his sisters in law and brother in law ,and his aunt and uncle (whom he was very

close to), and his father, and all of his neices and nephews and he never even

got to meet any of his 15 great nieces and nephews. My loss of my relationship

with my dad was very painful because my father and i were exceptionally close

during my entire childhood; but it was too threatening to my mom and ultimately

she prevailed and it was not permitted to continue. I missed hi8m and even my

mom terribly and tried over and over and over over many years to have a

relationship with them, but they became hopelessly reclusive and I was locked

out. All of us loved my father and mourned deeply his death and all those lost

years when we could have been together. He had also long ago given up his

friendships because my mom insisted that he should not go out with them. He was

totally isolated and alone, with her as his only companion and only family

member.

The truth is that my father could have contacted me, his brothers and sister,

and the rest of the family but he chose not to do so. this is the most

mystifying and painful part of the story. And now he is gone.

In the course of his adult life he had 4 total hip replacements, a lymphoma, a

heart attack, and Parkinson;'s disease. I was not told about any of these things

except the first 2 hip operations, which occurred when I was young. By the end

of his life I think that he felt that my mom was the only one would would take

care of him. He grew to feel that the world was indifferent and even against he

and my mom, who comprised the only little world he trusted. This was his

transformation from a strong life-loving guy who braved challenges and lived

life with a set of ideals and principles.

I did not even know that he had been in a nursing home for the last year and a

third of his life until the day after he died, when my mom finally told me. No

one else in my family knew either. I would have visited him every chance I got

if either of them had told me. But for my mom, she would have ceased to have

control over my dad's life if we had found out, so therefore it was (another)

secret.

In addition to damaging my relationship with my dad, she also damaged my

relationships with my two grandfathers. If she had her way she would have

totally isolated me also. She is a very scary person, she tries first to work

her way into your heart, acting sweet and innocent and harmless and powerless.

Then once you are softened and vulnerable she she turns into an angry one woman

mob, demanding total compliance to her paranoid demands based on insane jealosy

and her need for total control.

I am going to draft the letter that I am thinking of sending to my mom. In this

letter I will tell her how grateful I am for what she did to raise me (since she

was so much better then, than she became after I left for college),and some chit

chat. Conflict makes her stronger and love makes her angry so none of that

emotional stuff will be part of my letter to her. Perhaps soon I will post a

draft of this letter.

Carolyn