My Nada Is Dying of Congestive Heart Failure

[Guest guest]

Her nurse practitioner confirmed Wed. that my nada is dying of congestive heart

failure. She is in extremely bad shape yet she said 'even though your mother is

making terrible choices for her care, she is mentally competent so there's

nothing you can do.'

She told Ann (the angel of a woman who is caring for her three times a day -

running over there before work to make her a meager breakfast - at lunch time

and after work) that she IS dying but she went short of telling ME that.

She is still at home where she wants to die she has always maintained. She is a

little over a month from turning 90 (April 5). Nada can't even stand or walk.

She can't change her 'diaper' and no one can help her do that because she can't

stand up for anyone to do that. She is swollen up with fluid so badly and her

feet and legs are blue I was told by another neighbor. She hasn't had water for

over 2 weeks and refused to call in a plumber saying to me on the phone 'the

pipes will unfreeze in a day or two' even though I kept telling her to get a

plumber. She is able to eat one scrambled egg and one piece of toast in the

morning Ann said. We are working on getting her a visiting nurse to come in

every day as the nurse practitioner she goes to requested, but the bathroom is

so filthy and the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that

no one can stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it

would put nada in a nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained

that if ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself. She has attempted

numerous times in the 60 years I have known her (I saved her twice myself) and

at that time she was physically well! I know she has an opium based painkiller

in her possession but I don't know where it is and I am 6 hours away from her.

We DID get a plumber in there to the tune of $600 to fix the busted pipes so the

water problem will be fixed tomorrow.

Still the witch/bitch even now SCREAMED at me on Valentine's Day that I was a

'liar' and told her I was 'making her food' that I was sending and I never said

that. I told her I was sending her food goodies since she couldn't get up to

MAKE any food for herself. She called me filthy names and told me the 'only

thing I want you to send me is a death present' (whatever THAT is).

Then yesterday morning she screamed and cried at me on the phone " I'm a g.d.

f'ing invalid! I can't walk! I can't stand! My ass hurts because I can't clean

myself! I pee myself and can't change my diaper! I want you to get down here

and have them tear off your legs and put them on me. That's what I want from

you. " She wasn't being facetious - she wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

How absurd is that since 1. I would NEVER do that even if some surgeon WERE

willing to do that. 2. She would never make it through the surgery anyway for

a heart replacement or any other procedure.

At this point I just want this OVER and her gone. None of my friends up here

are now saying I am 'mean' for wanting that, but a part of me can't help but

want her to be HUMAN and NICE and say SOMETHING nice to me before she passes. I

don't want my last memories of her to be witch/bitch.

The neighbor Ann told me she praises me to the hilt all the time to her. On

Wednesday before she took her to the nurse practitioner she goes to she pointed

out all the beautiful things I had made her over the years (I am VERY

creative/crafty/artistic) and my high school picture which adorns her recliner

as well as how much she 'loves me'. When she got home from the 'doctor', she

asked Ann to bring her the afghan I had made her so she could 'wrap herself in

me'. I cried when she told me all this because nada NEVER says nice things to

me except when I originally give her something I made, but it's been a long

while now since I did that. So I have conflicting feelings about nada's passing

now. Nada has been very generous with me financially since I lost my job all

this time and I know deep down in her twisted, warped way loves me.

I told Ann since she does have a living will and a 'do not resusitate' order and

I know where it is in her house if she finds her in even worse condition to wait

until she calls 911, but part of me feels guilty for saying that yet since all

of her systems are drowning and shutting down, does it make sense to keep nada

alive by calling 911??? I don't think so.

This is all a bit harder on me than I thought it would be.

I mentioned hospice to her nurse practitioner and she told me 'your mother is

not a candidate for hospice because we have no terminal diagnosis until she gets

the blood tests tomorrow done which I doubt she will'. Nada can't stand or walk

and can't GET to the lab to get the work done. I felt like saying to the woman

- a bad heart - congestive heart failure - uncontrolled diabetes - extremely

high blood pressure combination aren't 'terminal illnesses?' Duh! So we are

getting a visiting nurse to come in an hour every day if nada makes it despite

her refusal to accept anyone in there once the bathroom is cleaned (we

supposedly had someone coming in there yesterday but I haven't heard about it).

I didn't hear from Ann yesterday despite my numerous phone calls and the woman

was calling me every day.

I was torn between having a friend take me down there in her van (I have pulled

muscles from a fall on both legs) and me driving down there is out of the

question as is me running to take two trains and a taxi as the timing between

them stinks. (I have barely 15 minutes to do it and it's a 15 minute drive by

taxi AFTER I run out of the terminal which I can't do now which is another 10

minute run). Should I feel guilty because I am not running down there to see

what will be nada's last days?

[Guest guest]

no need to feel guilty, romantic libra.. you never need to act out of guilt

(which contains hidden anger i believe) and if you did i believe you would not

be a positive influence on your nada anyways if you did,  it would be a waste

of time i think. 

i would try to focus on the rare good moments with her that are in your mind and

heart.. and remember those as she is passing.. even praying for her that the

spirit world with angels and guides and God will be with her as she approaches

the end and passes then at last and finds her rest and peace at last.  you are

doing everything you can right now i believe and no need to feel guilty in any

objective sense i don't think. you have been her whipping girl for long enuf.. i

pray for you that her passing with bring not only her but you some sense of

peace and glorious liberation that you have every right to feel and to have.. 

and remember, even with a nada's passing this will mean a hole in your heart and

there will be some grief.. mostly the final loss of the mother you never had.

 and it may hurt for awhile.

i wish you all the best in this very difficult situation,blessings and peace to

you,annps i hope her passing will occur swiftly and soon so as to bring her the

only real peace and rest she has probably ever had in her life of mental

illness, untreated and uncontrollable as she has refused help all her life for

her untreated bpd.best of luck to you!  you are new life and she is the old.

 it may always be with you in some form or other but you can sill lead the life

you choose, not of your nada's choosing and be well and happy.. that is my wish

for you.ann

Subject: My Nada Is Dying of Congestive Heart Failure

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, February 20, 2011, 6:07 AM

 

Her nurse practitioner confirmed Wed. that my nada is dying of congestive

heart failure. She is in extremely bad shape yet she said 'even though your

mother is making terrible choices for her care, she is mentally competent so

there's nothing you can do.'

She told Ann (the angel of a woman who is caring for her three times a day -

running over there before work to make her a meager breakfast - at lunch time

and after work) that she IS dying but she went short of telling ME that.

She is still at home where she wants to die she has always maintained. She is a

little over a month from turning 90 (April 5). Nada can't even stand or walk.

She can't change her 'diaper' and no one can help her do that because she can't

stand up for anyone to do that. She is swollen up with fluid so badly and her

feet and legs are blue I was told by another neighbor. She hasn't had water for

over 2 weeks and refused to call in a plumber saying to me on the phone 'the

pipes will unfreeze in a day or two' even though I kept telling her to get a

plumber. She is able to eat one scrambled egg and one piece of toast in the

morning Ann said. We are working on getting her a visiting nurse to come in

every day as the nurse practitioner she goes to requested, but the bathroom is

so filthy and the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that

no one can stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it

would put nada in a

nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained that if ANYONE

mentions nursing home, she will kill herself. She has attempted numerous times

in the 60 years I have known her (I saved her twice myself) and at that time

she was physically well! I know she has an opium based painkiller in her

possession but I don't know where it is and I am 6 hours away from her.

We DID get a plumber in there to the tune of $600 to fix the busted pipes so the

water problem will be fixed tomorrow.

Still the witch/bitch even now SCREAMED at me on Valentine's Day that I was a

'liar' and told her I was 'making her food' that I was sending and I never said

that. I told her I was sending her food goodies since she couldn't get up to

MAKE any food for herself. She called me filthy names and told me the 'only

thing I want you to send me is a death present' (whatever THAT is).

Then yesterday morning she screamed and cried at me on the phone " I'm a g.d.

f'ing invalid! I can't walk! I can't stand! My ass hurts because I can't clean

myself! I pee myself and can't change my diaper! I want you to get down here

and have them tear off your legs and put them on me. That's what I want from

you. " She wasn't being facetious - she wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

How absurd is that since 1. I would NEVER do that even if some surgeon WERE

willing to do that. 2. She would never make it through the surgery anyway for

a heart replacement or any other procedure.

At this point I just want this OVER and her gone. None of my friends up here

are now saying I am 'mean' for wanting that, but a part of me can't help but

want her to be HUMAN and NICE and say SOMETHING nice to me before she passes. I

don't want my last memories of her to be witch/bitch.

The neighbor Ann told me she praises me to the hilt all the time to her. On

Wednesday before she took her to the nurse practitioner she goes to she pointed

out all the beautiful things I had made her over the years (I am VERY

creative/crafty/artistic) and my high school picture which adorns her recliner

as well as how much she 'loves me'. When she got home from the 'doctor', she

asked Ann to bring her the afghan I had made her so she could 'wrap herself in

me'. I cried when she told me all this because nada NEVER says nice things to

me except when I originally give her something I made, but it's been a long

while now since I did that. So I have conflicting feelings about nada's passing

now. Nada has been very generous with me financially since I lost my job all

this time and I know deep down in her twisted, warped way loves me.

I told Ann since she does have a living will and a 'do not resusitate' order and

I know where it is in her house if she finds her in even worse condition to wait

until she calls 911, but part of me feels guilty for saying that yet since all

of her systems are drowning and shutting down, does it make sense to keep nada

alive by calling 911??? I don't think so.

This is all a bit harder on me than I thought it would be.

I mentioned hospice to her nurse practitioner and she told me 'your mother is

not a candidate for hospice because we have no terminal diagnosis until she gets

the blood tests tomorrow done which I doubt she will'. Nada can't stand or walk

and can't GET to the lab to get the work done. I felt like saying to the woman

- a bad heart - congestive heart failure - uncontrolled diabetes - extremely

high blood pressure combination aren't 'terminal illnesses?' Duh! So we are

getting a visiting nurse to come in an hour every day if nada makes it despite

her refusal to accept anyone in there once the bathroom is cleaned (we

supposedly had someone coming in there yesterday but I haven't heard about it).

I didn't hear from Ann yesterday despite my numerous phone calls and the woman

was calling me every day.

I was torn between having a friend take me down there in her van (I have pulled

muscles from a fall on both legs) and me driving down there is out of the

question as is me running to take two trains and a taxi as the timing between

them stinks. (I have barely 15 minutes to do it and it's a 15 minute drive by

taxi AFTER I run out of the terminal which I can't do now which is another 10

minute run). Should I feel guilty because I am not running down there to see

what will be nada's last days?

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry sweetie, I don't have any good advice. My nada is in her 60s

and I will not be there when she dies. I won't get news of her slow decline

towards death. I won't be at her funeral. She is on her own and she knows

it. I won't take calls about her condition. If I move I won't tell her where

I go. I don't believe she has my phone number. etc etc. I went NC knowing

that for her to die alone (or with anyone but me with her) would be a

consequence for her. And I'm sure she will enjoy it and play it up and play

the victim and tell everyone in her tiny little world how rotten I am.

So no, don't feel guilty. Don't sweat it. Its amazingly hard on you. Isn't

it so much more honest to say no, this isn't working for me mom so I won't

be there. Plus you have an obligation to take care of yourself first. You

are no good to her with untreated injuries. Get better soon.

>

>

> no need to feel guilty, romantic libra.. you never need to act out of guilt

> (which contains hidden anger i believe) and if you did i believe you would

> not be a positive influence on your nada anyways if you did, it would be a

> waste of time i think.

> i would try to focus on the rare good moments with her that are in your

> mind and heart.. and remember those as she is passing.. even praying for her

> that the spirit world with angels and guides and God will be with her as she

> approaches the end and passes then at last and finds her rest and peace at

> last. you are doing everything you can right now i believe and no need to

> feel guilty in any objective sense i don't think. you have been her whipping

> girl for long enuf.. i pray for you that her passing with bring not only her

> but you some sense of peace and glorious liberation that you have every

> right to feel and to have..

> and remember, even with a nada's passing this will mean a hole in your

> heart and there will be some grief.. mostly the final loss of the mother you

> never had. and it may hurt for awhile.

> i wish you all the best in this very difficult situation,blessings and

> peace to you,annps i hope her passing will occur swiftly and soon so as to

> bring her the only real peace and rest she has probably ever had in her life

> of mental illness, untreated and uncontrollable as she has refused help all

> her life for her untreated bpd.best of luck to you! you are new life and

> she is the old. it may always be with you in some form or other but you can

> sill lead the life you choose, not of your nada's choosing and be well and

> happy.. that is my wish for you.ann

>

>

>

> Subject: My Nada Is Dying of Congestive Heart Failure

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Sunday, February 20, 2011, 6:07 AM

>

>

>

>

> Her nurse practitioner confirmed Wed. that my nada is dying of congestive

> heart failure. She is in extremely bad shape yet she said 'even though your

> mother is making terrible choices for her care, she is mentally competent so

> there's nothing you can do.'

>

> She told Ann (the angel of a woman who is caring for her three times a day

> - running over there before work to make her a meager breakfast - at lunch

> time and after work) that she IS dying but she went short of telling ME

> that.

>

> She is still at home where she wants to die she has always maintained. She

> is a little over a month from turning 90 (April 5). Nada can't even stand or

> walk. She can't change her 'diaper' and no one can help her do that because

> she can't stand up for anyone to do that. She is swollen up with fluid so

> badly and her feet and legs are blue I was told by another neighbor. She

> hasn't had water for over 2 weeks and refused to call in a plumber saying to

> me on the phone 'the pipes will unfreeze in a day or two' even though I kept

> telling her to get a plumber. She is able to eat one scrambled egg and one

> piece of toast in the morning Ann said. We are working on getting her a

> visiting nurse to come in every day as the nurse practitioner she goes to

> requested, but the bathroom is so filthy and the place REEKS of urine,

> purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that no one can stand to be in there for

> very long and the authorities upon seeing it would put nada in a

> nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained that if ANYONE

> mentions nursing home, she will kill herself. She has attempted numerous

> times in the 60 years I have known her (I saved her twice myself) and at

> that time she was physically well! I know she has an opium based painkiller

> in her possession but I don't know where it is and I am 6 hours away from

> her.

>

> We DID get a plumber in there to the tune of $600 to fix the busted pipes

> so the water problem will be fixed tomorrow.

>

> Still the witch/bitch even now SCREAMED at me on Valentine's Day that I was

> a 'liar' and told her I was 'making her food' that I was sending and I never

> said that. I told her I was sending her food goodies since she couldn't get

> up to MAKE any food for herself. She called me filthy names and told me the

> 'only thing I want you to send me is a death present' (whatever THAT is).

>

> Then yesterday morning she screamed and cried at me on the phone " I'm a

> g.d. f'ing invalid! I can't walk! I can't stand! My ass hurts because I

> can't clean myself! I pee myself and can't change my diaper! I want you to

> get down here and have them tear off your legs and put them on me. That's

> what I want from you. " She wasn't being facetious - she wasn't being

> sarcastic - she meant it. How absurd is that since 1. I would NEVER do that

> even if some surgeon WERE willing to do that. 2. She would never make it

> through the surgery anyway for a heart replacement or any other procedure.

>

> At this point I just want this OVER and her gone. None of my friends up

> here are now saying I am 'mean' for wanting that, but a part of me can't

> help but want her to be HUMAN and NICE and say SOMETHING nice to me before

> she passes. I don't want my last memories of her to be witch/bitch.

>

> The neighbor Ann told me she praises me to the hilt all the time to her. On

> Wednesday before she took her to the nurse practitioner she goes to she

> pointed out all the beautiful things I had made her over the years (I am

> VERY creative/crafty/artistic) and my high school picture which adorns her

> recliner as well as how much she 'loves me'. When she got home from the

> 'doctor', she asked Ann to bring her the afghan I had made her so she could

> 'wrap herself in me'. I cried when she told me all this because nada NEVER

> says nice things to me except when I originally give her something I made,

> but it's been a long while now since I did that. So I have conflicting

> feelings about nada's passing now. Nada has been very generous with me

> financially since I lost my job all this time and I know deep down in her

> twisted, warped way loves me.

>

> I told Ann since she does have a living will and a 'do not resusitate'

> order and I know where it is in her house if she finds her in even worse

> condition to wait until she calls 911, but part of me feels guilty for

> saying that yet since all of her systems are drowning and shutting down,

> does it make sense to keep nada alive by calling 911??? I don't think so.

>

> This is all a bit harder on me than I thought it would be.

>

> I mentioned hospice to her nurse practitioner and she told me 'your mother

> is not a candidate for hospice because we have no terminal diagnosis until

> she gets the blood tests tomorrow done which I doubt she will'. Nada can't

> stand or walk and can't GET to the lab to get the work done. I felt like

> saying to the woman - a bad heart - congestive heart failure - uncontrolled

> diabetes - extremely high blood pressure combination aren't 'terminal

> illnesses?' Duh! So we are getting a visiting nurse to come in an hour every

> day if nada makes it despite her refusal to accept anyone in there once the

> bathroom is cleaned (we supposedly had someone coming in there yesterday but

> I haven't heard about it). I didn't hear from Ann yesterday despite my

> numerous phone calls and the woman was calling me every day.

>

> I was torn between having a friend take me down there in her van (I have

> pulled muscles from a fall on both legs) and me driving down there is out of

> the question as is me running to take two trains and a taxi as the timing

> between them stinks. (I have barely 15 minutes to do it and it's a 15 minute

> drive by taxi AFTER I run out of the terminal which I can't do now which is

> another 10 minute run). Should I feel guilty because I am not running down

> there to see what will be nada's last days?

>

>

[Guest guest]

No, I don't think you should feel guilty because you physically can't go and

visit your nada. From what you've been through since I've been reading your

posts, I think that simply remaining in contact with her by phone is a very

loving act on your part. I think you have a generous heart to put up with that

kind of treatment your whole life. In some ways your nada is a more extreme

version of mine; the behaviors you describe such as saying nice things about you

to other people but being mean and hateful or manipulative to your face (or by

phone) is like my nada, and the stubborn obstinacy is too. I personally can't

take it any longer so I admire your fortitude.

Losing a parent can be very difficult, even losing a nada. Some of us KOs still

have that hard-wired bond to this person who gave birth to us even though trying

to have a relationship with her has become an untenable and toxic thing.

You have my condolences. Please don't feel guilty about your nada.

-Annie

>

> Her nurse practitioner confirmed Wed. that my nada is dying of congestive

heart failure. She is in extremely bad shape yet she said 'even though your

mother is making terrible choices for her care, she is mentally competent so

there's nothing you can do.'

>

> She told Ann (the angel of a woman who is caring for her three times a day -

running over there before work to make her a meager breakfast - at lunch time

and after work) that she IS dying but she went short of telling ME that.

>

> She is still at home where she wants to die she has always maintained. She is

a little over a month from turning 90 (April 5). Nada can't even stand or walk.

She can't change her 'diaper' and no one can help her do that because she can't

stand up for anyone to do that. She is swollen up with fluid so badly and her

feet and legs are blue I was told by another neighbor. She hasn't had water for

over 2 weeks and refused to call in a plumber saying to me on the phone 'the

pipes will unfreeze in a day or two' even though I kept telling her to get a

plumber. She is able to eat one scrambled egg and one piece of toast in the

morning Ann said. We are working on getting her a visiting nurse to come in

every day as the nurse practitioner she goes to requested, but the bathroom is

so filthy and the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that

no one can stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it

would put nada in a nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained

that if ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself. She has attempted

numerous times in the 60 years I have known her (I saved her twice myself) and

at that time she was physically well! I know she has an opium based painkiller

in her possession but I don't know where it is and I am 6 hours away from her.

>

> We DID get a plumber in there to the tune of $600 to fix the busted pipes so

the water problem will be fixed tomorrow.

>

> Still the witch/bitch even now SCREAMED at me on Valentine's Day that I was a

'liar' and told her I was 'making her food' that I was sending and I never said

that. I told her I was sending her food goodies since she couldn't get up to

MAKE any food for herself. She called me filthy names and told me the 'only

thing I want you to send me is a death present' (whatever THAT is).

>

> Then yesterday morning she screamed and cried at me on the phone " I'm a g.d.

f'ing invalid! I can't walk! I can't stand! My ass hurts because I can't clean

myself! I pee myself and can't change my diaper! I want you to get down here

and have them tear off your legs and put them on me. That's what I want from

you. " She wasn't being facetious - she wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

How absurd is that since 1. I would NEVER do that even if some surgeon WERE

willing to do that. 2. She would never make it through the surgery anyway for

a heart replacement or any other procedure.

>

> At this point I just want this OVER and her gone. None of my friends up here

are now saying I am 'mean' for wanting that, but a part of me can't help but

want her to be HUMAN and NICE and say SOMETHING nice to me before she passes. I

don't want my last memories of her to be witch/bitch.

>

> The neighbor Ann told me she praises me to the hilt all the time to her. On

Wednesday before she took her to the nurse practitioner she goes to she pointed

out all the beautiful things I had made her over the years (I am VERY

creative/crafty/artistic) and my high school picture which adorns her recliner

as well as how much she 'loves me'. When she got home from the 'doctor', she

asked Ann to bring her the afghan I had made her so she could 'wrap herself in

me'. I cried when she told me all this because nada NEVER says nice things to

me except when I originally give her something I made, but it's been a long

while now since I did that. So I have conflicting feelings about nada's passing

now. Nada has been very generous with me financially since I lost my job all

this time and I know deep down in her twisted, warped way loves me.

>

> I told Ann since she does have a living will and a 'do not resusitate' order

and I know where it is in her house if she finds her in even worse condition to

wait until she calls 911, but part of me feels guilty for saying that yet since

all of her systems are drowning and shutting down, does it make sense to keep

nada alive by calling 911??? I don't think so.

>

> This is all a bit harder on me than I thought it would be.

>

> I mentioned hospice to her nurse practitioner and she told me 'your mother is

not a candidate for hospice because we have no terminal diagnosis until she gets

the blood tests tomorrow done which I doubt she will'. Nada can't stand or walk

and can't GET to the lab to get the work done. I felt like saying to the woman

- a bad heart - congestive heart failure - uncontrolled diabetes - extremely

high blood pressure combination aren't 'terminal illnesses?' Duh! So we are

getting a visiting nurse to come in an hour every day if nada makes it despite

her refusal to accept anyone in there once the bathroom is cleaned (we

supposedly had someone coming in there yesterday but I haven't heard about it).

I didn't hear from Ann yesterday despite my numerous phone calls and the woman

was calling me every day.

>

> I was torn between having a friend take me down there in her van (I have

pulled muscles from a fall on both legs) and me driving down there is out of the

question as is me running to take two trains and a taxi as the timing between

them stinks. (I have barely 15 minutes to do it and it's a 15 minute drive by

taxi AFTER I run out of the terminal which I can't do now which is another 10

minute run). Should I feel guilty because I am not running down there to see

what will be nada's last days?

>

[Guest guest]

Please, please, please DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! BPD's are miserable in any state, and

usually the more you do for them the more miserable they are, and the less they

appreciate you. The only real relief/release you will know is when they die. If

you can find it in your heart to forive your Nada for all the lousy parenting

she poured on you, then by all means do so, but do not feel guilty. Even if you

went there, cleaned her, and her house on your hands and knees, she would still

be screaming at you in anger.

I know! I moved Fada in with us when I was 7 weeks post-op from my second knee

replacement. I ran myself ragged trying to please him and nothing I did was good

enough. My PT was upset because all the progress I made on my knee dissipated,

my husband ( a physician) finally MADE me stop waiting on Fada hand and foot,

because he said I couldn't keep up the pace and recover from my surgery, and no

matter what we did for the old grouch it wasn't enough. He still lives with us,

but now that my family doctor has diagnosed him as BPD I have absolved myself of

all but about 1% of my guilt. I PRAY EVERY DAY FOR HIM TO DIE! And I pray for

God's mercy on him. There is no hope for him on this earth! But God is more

loving than us and I know that He knows what happened to ruin Fada and send him

down the BPD path. I've forgiven Fada my lousy childhood and while I pray for

him to die every day, I also pray for the ability to forgive him for needing to

live with me (most of his health problems are somewhat self imposed due to the

fact that he succumbs to every arthritic ache and pain and refuses to do one

thing to help himself) and making my whole family miserable.

I don't! feel guilty for wanting to be free of my 56 years of prison, why

should you?

Kay

[Guest guest]

>the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that no one can

stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it would put

nada in a nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained that if

ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself.

Marilyn, are you *sure* that calling adult protective services is something

you'd never do? No human being should have to live and die in those

conditions. If she decides to kill herself because of being in a nursing home,

that is her choice but I can't help but wonder that she doesn't use that threat

as a means of control. I realize because of her attempts in the past that this

could be a real threat. But there's the issue of what are your choices, and

what are hers.

>...hurts because I can't clean myself! I pee myself and can't change my

diaper! I want you to get down here and have them tear off your legs and put

them on me. That's what I want from you. " She wasn't being facetious - she

wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

Holy freaking crap! There's something so horrifying about that even though it's

so crazy and ridiculous. Whatever you do APS or in home health aides and the

like, keep yourself safe as you can emotionally, physically, and psychically

from her.

[Guest guest]

I second 's nomination to call someone to take her someplace where she

is cared for. I can't believe I didn't see it - yeah the suicide threats are

a manipulation.

And tear your legs off oooooh no wonder you aren't too excited to see her.

Geesh freaky

On Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 3:50 PM, climberkayak wrote:

>

>

> >the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that no one

> can stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it

> would put nada in a nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has

> maintained that if ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself.

>

> Marilyn, are you *sure* that calling adult protective services is something

> you'd never do? No human being should have to live and die in those

> conditions. If she decides to kill herself because of being in a nursing

> home, that is her choice but I can't help but wonder that she doesn't use

> that threat as a means of control. I realize because of her attempts in the

> past that this could be a real threat. But there's the issue of what are

> your choices, and what are hers.

>

> >...hurts because I can't clean myself! I pee myself and can't change my

> diaper! I want you to get down here and have them tear off your legs and put

> them on me. That's what I want from you. " She wasn't being facetious - she

> wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

>

> Holy freaking crap! There's something so horrifying about that even though

> it's so crazy and ridiculous. Whatever you do APS or in home health aides

> and the like, keep yourself safe as you can emotionally, physically, and

> psychically from her.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > maintained that if ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself.

Fada and I had this exact same conversation and I told my husband and he said,

" that will be a neat trick! Don't know how he can kill himself when he can't

pull his own pants up! " So how is your Nada going to kill herself when she can't

even stand up? They have controlled us since we were children, but if she can't

stand up, she can't get to anything to kill herself, so no matter what she

threatens when you think it through logically, do you think she has the ability

to commit suicide other than a hunger strike, and though she's not eating much,

she is still eating.

I know that many BPD's are suicidal, but I also wonder if there isn't a

contingent that threatens suicide as part of their efforts to control.

I am sorry that your Nada lives in filthy conditions but I also know from Fada

that filth begins long before they really can't take care of themselves. Fada is

arthritic but he can get around okay but he stopped bathing or caring for

personal hygiene about two years ago. long before he had a physical excuse to

stop and I have a feeling that some of the dirt and filth started long before

your Nada truly started to deteriorate. I'm not sure if it is your

responsibility to call protective services, shouldn't the health care provider

who is making her meals do that? Does her nurse practitioner make house calls?

If so that seems to be her responsibility since she has actually seen the

conditions.You can not physically visit so you are operating on the hear say of

others who see the conditions. If you think you should call protective services

do so if they put her in a nursing home and she is as sick as you say, she's not

going to be able to call you and yell at you any way. She won't be able to reach

the phone and who says you have to call her. Besides she's finding stuff to make

you feel guilty about now. One thing for sure with a BPD you're " damned if you

do, and damned if you don't " So if you think you should call protective

services, then do it! So far you haven't called protective services and she's

still miserable and making you miserable. YOU CAN NOT FIX A BPD! My family

practitioner makes me say that after him.

Just don't feel guilty. If she has made up her mind to die she will do so either

quickly or slowly and face it, when we all reach a certain age our bodies are

going to deteriorate, and we're all going to die. I have excellent care for Fada

we keep him clean and so well fed he is gaining weight and he takes his

medication, but he refuses to walk, even to the bathroom, he does come to the

kitchen for most meals, but wants at least one in his room and I see him fading,

even though he is in excellent health. He takes only 1 pill, a diuretic, for his

physical condition, the rest are all for his mental state. I think some of this

is the progression of the BPD. All of us who have lost a BPD or are going

through the process should be compiling notes perhaps some professional can make

use of them, but I just see this gradual progression into decline. Several of us

are mentioning parents who refuse to walk to the bathroom even though they are

probably capable of still using the toilet, and there are other things going on,

I can't always name them. But this progression into becoming more and more of a

helpless baby and the expectation of entitlement that we will do everything for

them. Something they have trained us to do since we were infants.

As for wanting them to give her your legs, not only is that creepy but SWOE says

that " BPD's don't know where they stop and you begin " what could be more proof

of that, than wanting your legs?

Just don't feel guilty!

Kay

[Guest guest]

You are such a gem....

I think you already know the answer to this question in your heart. My hope is

that you will start (sounds like you've already started) to begin the official

grieving process.

My only hope is that I can be as graceful and yet realistic with my thoughts as

you have so clearly stated yours in your post, when that time comes in my

family.

I will be thinking of you in these next days and weeks. I wish you peace and

internal freedom, my friend.

Latasha

[Guest guest]

<<Libra>> So sorry for all the pain you're in. You can only do what you can

do. And you HAVE been there for her all her life. It's the codependent in us

that feels like we have to rescue and that it would be all right only if we're

there.

I can't imagine what you're going through and don't look forward to it myself.

>

> Her nurse practitioner confirmed Wed. that my nada is dying of congestive

heart failure. She is in extremely bad shape yet she said 'even though your

mother is making terrible choices for her care, she is mentally competent so

there's nothing you can do.'

>

> She told Ann (the angel of a woman who is caring for her three times a day -

running over there before work to make her a meager breakfast - at lunch time

and after work) that she IS dying but she went short of telling ME that.

>

> She is still at home where she wants to die she has always maintained. She is

a little over a month from turning 90 (April 5). Nada can't even stand or walk.

She can't change her 'diaper' and no one can help her do that because she can't

stand up for anyone to do that. She is swollen up with fluid so badly and her

feet and legs are blue I was told by another neighbor. She hasn't had water for

over 2 weeks and refused to call in a plumber saying to me on the phone 'the

pipes will unfreeze in a day or two' even though I kept telling her to get a

plumber. She is able to eat one scrambled egg and one piece of toast in the

morning Ann said. We are working on getting her a visiting nurse to come in

every day as the nurse practitioner she goes to requested, but the bathroom is

so filthy and the place REEKS of urine, purplish-black vomit and diarrhea that

no one can stand to be in there for very long and the authorities upon seeing it

would put nada in a nursing home pronto if they saw it but nada has maintained

that if ANYONE mentions nursing home, she will kill herself. She has attempted

numerous times in the 60 years I have known her (I saved her twice myself) and

at that time she was physically well! I know she has an opium based painkiller

in her possession but I don't know where it is and I am 6 hours away from her.

>

> We DID get a plumber in there to the tune of $600 to fix the busted pipes so

the water problem will be fixed tomorrow.

>

> Still the witch/bitch even now SCREAMED at me on Valentine's Day that I was a

'liar' and told her I was 'making her food' that I was sending and I never said

that. I told her I was sending her food goodies since she couldn't get up to

MAKE any food for herself. She called me filthy names and told me the 'only

thing I want you to send me is a death present' (whatever THAT is).

>

> Then yesterday morning she screamed and cried at me on the phone " I'm a g.d.

f'ing invalid! I can't walk! I can't stand! My ass hurts because I can't clean

myself! I pee myself and can't change my diaper! I want you to get down here

and have them tear off your legs and put them on me. That's what I want from

you. " She wasn't being facetious - she wasn't being sarcastic - she meant it.

How absurd is that since 1. I would NEVER do that even if some surgeon WERE

willing to do that. 2. She would never make it through the surgery anyway for

a heart replacement or any other procedure.

>

> At this point I just want this OVER and her gone. None of my friends up here

are now saying I am 'mean' for wanting that, but a part of me can't help but

want her to be HUMAN and NICE and say SOMETHING nice to me before she passes. I

don't want my last memories of her to be witch/bitch.

>

> The neighbor Ann told me she praises me to the hilt all the time to her. On

Wednesday before she took her to the nurse practitioner she goes to she pointed

out all the beautiful things I had made her over the years (I am VERY

creative/crafty/artistic) and my high school picture which adorns her recliner

as well as how much she 'loves me'. When she got home from the 'doctor', she

asked Ann to bring her the afghan I had made her so she could 'wrap herself in

me'. I cried when she told me all this because nada NEVER says nice things to

me except when I originally give her something I made, but it's been a long

while now since I did that. So I have conflicting feelings about nada's passing

now. Nada has been very generous with me financially since I lost my job all

this time and I know deep down in her twisted, warped way loves me.

>

> I told Ann since she does have a living will and a 'do not resusitate' order

and I know where it is in her house if she finds her in even worse condition to

wait until she calls 911, but part of me feels guilty for saying that yet since

all of her systems are drowning and shutting down, does it make sense to keep

nada alive by calling 911??? I don't think so.

>

> This is all a bit harder on me than I thought it would be.

>

> I mentioned hospice to her nurse practitioner and she told me 'your mother is

not a candidate for hospice because we have no terminal diagnosis until she gets

the blood tests tomorrow done which I doubt she will'. Nada can't stand or walk

and can't GET to the lab to get the work done. I felt like saying to the woman

- a bad heart - congestive heart failure - uncontrolled diabetes - extremely

high blood pressure combination aren't 'terminal illnesses?' Duh! So we are

getting a visiting nurse to come in an hour every day if nada makes it despite

her refusal to accept anyone in there once the bathroom is cleaned (we

supposedly had someone coming in there yesterday but I haven't heard about it).

I didn't hear from Ann yesterday despite my numerous phone calls and the woman

was calling me every day.

>

> I was torn between having a friend take me down there in her van (I have

pulled muscles from a fall on both legs) and me driving down there is out of the

question as is me running to take two trains and a taxi as the timing between

them stinks. (I have barely 15 minutes to do it and it's a 15 minute drive by

taxi AFTER I run out of the terminal which I can't do now which is another 10

minute run). Should I feel guilty because I am not running down there to see

what will be nada's last days?

>