visit with Nada

[Guest guest]

Just thought I'd share a personal update. My waif/hermit/histrionic nada has

been on her best behavior lately because she knows I'll cut off contact with her

if her behavior gets too extreme. Still, even her best behavior is totally

bizarre, and I try to limit my in-person contact with her to as little possible.

Went to visit her this weekend for 3 hours for my daughter's birthday. Mom was

drunk, but not falling down or anything. (She's now on heavy duty painkillers

for all of her " ailments " as well as alcohol. She's always been a drinker, but

she's definitely becoming a drunk.)

While we were there, she had to bring up yet again her theory that my dad is not

actually my grampa's child, that she thinks his mother slept around and that my

brother and I are not blood-related to our grampa at all. Which is ridiculous,

because my brother looks exactly like grampa. And not that I would care, per se,

but it's just one in a line of lies she tells about her in-laws, which hurt me

for many years because my grandparents were so good to my brother and me and we

loved them very much. (They're both gone now, and yet she still feels the need

to talk trash on them.)

It was odd. I felt sad for her, but in a very passing way, like you would for

someone you don't know very well. And I certainly don't feel the urge anymore to

try to intervene. Her health is her business, and frankly, if she shortens her

life with her bad diet, drugs and alcohol, it's not going to hurt my feelings

any. She looks terrible, her place is a mess, she has no money—-but that's all

her fault. Not mine.

I wish I could get over feeling the need to spend holidays with her. She loves

them like a child. One of the reasons she so desperately wants to keep in

contact with me is because I give her presents on her birthday and at Christmas.

She loves presents. She loves things.

[Guest guest]

Wow, its very dangerous to mix prescription pain-killers with alcohol, I've

known a couple of people who killed themselves that way, and both were young.

One guy I went to high-school with did that in his 20's, and my second cousin's

fiance killed himself that way too.

RE visiting your nada: maybe you could just drop in for an hour's visit very

early in the day on a holiday, take nada out to breakfast, give nada her

present, and then go do something you really want to do with your family?

There's nothing that says you must spend more than an hour or so visiting nada,

which then precludes your doing anything else.

Since my nada was never happy with whatever generous amount of time my Sister

would spend with her, and only complained that Sister was never there often

enough, Sister finally reached the end of her rope and cut way, way, way back on

the amount of face-time she gave nada (once a month instead of several times a

week.) And at first nada was more well-behaved during the monthly visits (!!)

but now nada is saying untrue things like, " I only see you once a year. " So,

either nada's memory is truly deteriorating or its just becoming more openly

evident that she never did have a firm grasp on reality and her memory is a

shifting quagmire of conflicting/forgotten information. Or, in true bpd

fashion, perhaps nada simply equates feelings with facts, and if she *feels*

that Sister is only coming over once a year, then it is a fact. Hard to tell

at this point.

-Annie/anuria

>

> Just thought I'd share a personal update. My waif/hermit/histrionic nada has

been on her best behavior lately because she knows I'll cut off contact with her

if her behavior gets too extreme. Still, even her best behavior is totally

bizarre, and I try to limit my in-person contact with her to as little possible.

Went to visit her this weekend for 3 hours for my daughter's birthday. Mom was

drunk, but not falling down or anything. (She's now on heavy duty painkillers

for all of her " ailments " as well as alcohol. She's always been a drinker, but

she's definitely becoming a drunk.)

>

> While we were there, she had to bring up yet again her theory that my dad is

not actually my grampa's child, that she thinks his mother slept around and that

my brother and I are not blood-related to our grampa at all. Which is

ridiculous, because my brother looks exactly like grampa. And not that I would

care, per se, but it's just one in a line of lies she tells about her in-laws,

which hurt me for many years because my grandparents were so good to my brother

and me and we loved them very much. (They're both gone now, and yet she still

feels the need to talk trash on them.)

>

> It was odd. I felt sad for her, but in a very passing way, like you would for

someone you don't know very well. And I certainly don't feel the urge anymore to

try to intervene. Her health is her business, and frankly, if she shortens her

life with her bad diet, drugs and alcohol, it's not going to hurt my feelings

any. She looks terrible, her place is a mess, she has no money—-but that's all

her fault. Not mine.

>

> I wish I could get over feeling the need to spend holidays with her. She loves

them like a child. One of the reasons she so desperately wants to keep in

contact with me is because I give her presents on her birthday and at Christmas.

She loves presents. She loves things.

>

[Guest guest]

Amber - Hang on a minute. Was your daughter with you when you made the recent

visit to your nada? I ask because - BPD issues aside - if your mother was drunk

when you walked into her home, you have an excuse to turn right around and walk

out. No matter how crazy these people are, no matter how pitiful, as parents we

do not have to have any justification for refusing to expose our kids to drunks

or drug abusers. You know the old line, " no jury in the world would convict

me " ? Well, nobody in the world would criticize you for taking your child out of

that environment, based solely on the fact that your mother was drunk when you

arrived. No apologies, no excuses needed.

As always, our responsibities as parents trumps any (perceived) obligation we

might have to our Nadas or Fadas - or anybody else, for that matter.

And I second Annie's idea about shortening visits for holidays. I've chosen to

take my son to visit his Grandmother (Nada) a day or two before Christmas, at a

restaurant (neutral ground), for an hour or two. Then we fire up the Christmas

carols on the way home, secure in the knowledge that our holiday will not be

ruined by having to spend time with her.

Just a thought...

[Guest guest]

Sigh, that's so sad.

For you and for her. And I feel your pain sitting through that long visit,

listening to her going on and on. And for your daughter. I'm sure she senses how

superficial the visit is.

My mother does that when she's in one of her melancholy moods, she'll start

talking about the wrong done to her by her mother in law, by these people,

those. I'm sure she talks about me with my brother, b/c she talks about him to

me!

>

> Just thought I'd share a personal update. My waif/hermit/histrionic nada has

been on her best behavior lately because she knows I'll cut off contact with her

if her behavior gets too extreme. Still, even her best behavior is totally

bizarre, and I try to limit my in-person contact with her to as little possible.

Went to visit her this weekend for 3 hours for my daughter's birthday. Mom was

drunk, but not falling down or anything. (She's now on heavy duty painkillers

for all of her " ailments " as well as alcohol. She's always been a drinker, but

she's definitely becoming a drunk.)

>

> While we were there, she had to bring up yet again her theory that my dad is

not actually my grampa's child, that she thinks his mother slept around and that

my brother and I are not blood-related to our grampa at all. Which is

ridiculous, because my brother looks exactly like grampa. And not that I would

care, per se, but it's just one in a line of lies she tells about her in-laws,

which hurt me for many years because my grandparents were so good to my brother

and me and we loved them very much. (They're both gone now, and yet she still

feels the need to talk trash on them.)

>

> It was odd. I felt sad for her, but in a very passing way, like you would for

someone you don't know very well. And I certainly don't feel the urge anymore to

try to intervene. Her health is her business, and frankly, if she shortens her

life with her bad diet, drugs and alcohol, it's not going to hurt my feelings

any. She looks terrible, her place is a mess, she has no money—-but that's all

her fault. Not mine.

>

> I wish I could get over feeling the need to spend holidays with her. She loves

them like a child. One of the reasons she so desperately wants to keep in

contact with me is because I give her presents on her birthday and at Christmas.

She loves presents. She loves things.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, .

Yes, you're right, and I've thought about that.

My mom's been drinking for so long that she's one of those people who is highly

functioning when she drinks. I am positive that neither my brother nor my

husband even knew that she had been drinking. I could just tell because she was

flushed in the face and sweating and her eyes were a little glazed over. Were my

mother falling down drunk or acting unusual, I would immediately remove my child

from the situation and in fact, I've done that. But mother telling a

hateful/false/strange story about my dad's parents is not unusual for her at

all. She does that whether she's been drinking or not.

Three hours may sound like a long visit to some of you, but the last time we saw

her was Christmas Eve. So, in the scheme of things, it really wasn't that long.

And our Christmas Eve visits are down to just 4 or 5 hours when really, my

mother would like us to be there the whole day, like 8 or 10 hours.

What makes me the most sad is that I tried for a long time to hide my dislike

for my mother from my kid but I just can't do it anymore. So it's an ordeal for

her too to see grandma. I tried for years to pretend that everything was A-OK

between me and grandma but the dysfunction got to be too big to hide.

I'm trying to sheild us all as much as possible. The FOG prevents me from

cutting off contact altogether.

[Guest guest]

Oh, and the reason I KNOW she'd been drinking was that when we were alone in the

kitchen, she told me that she'd gargled with burbon for her sore throat and that

was the reason she had alcohol on her breath.

>

> Hey, .

>

> Yes, you're right, and I've thought about that.

>

> My mom's been drinking for so long that she's one of those people who is

highly functioning when she drinks. I am positive that neither my brother nor my

husband even knew that she had been drinking. I could just tell because she was

flushed in the face and sweating and her eyes were a little glazed over. Were my

mother falling down drunk or acting unusual, I would immediately remove my child

from the situation and in fact, I've done that. But mother telling a

hateful/false/strange story about my dad's parents is not unusual for her at

all. She does that whether she's been drinking or not.

>

> Three hours may sound like a long visit to some of you, but the last time we

saw her was Christmas Eve. So, in the scheme of things, it really wasn't that

long. And our Christmas Eve visits are down to just 4 or 5 hours when really, my

mother would like us to be there the whole day, like 8 or 10 hours.

>

> What makes me the most sad is that I tried for a long time to hide my dislike

for my mother from my kid but I just can't do it anymore. So it's an ordeal for

her too to see grandma. I tried for years to pretend that everything was A-OK

between me and grandma but the dysfunction got to be too big to hide.

>

> I'm trying to sheild us all as much as possible. The FOG prevents me from

cutting off contact altogether.

>

[Guest guest]

Amber - I get that she may be high-functioning, and that the alcoholism is only

part of the picture. (It's a sad state of affairs when somebody being a drunk

is the least of your worries!) I guess what I was trying to say is that her

being drunk is an automatic excuse for you to leave - I was assuming you're like

me, and would love to have any excuse to flee. (Aha! I smell booze! Buh-bye,

Nada!) But it sounds like you're making an effort to visit with Nada every few

months. This is laudible - I honor anybody here who's willing to spend any time

at all with their BPD parent. It's more than I can stomach. -

[Guest guest]

Your nada is on a destructive path right now combining Rx pain meds with

alcohol. That is quite possibly fatal. That is also how my grandmother

killed herself. =( I just want to reinforce this to you because... well, I

am NOT a nurse yet, but I am a nursing student... and that means I know just

enough to be dangerous. But I do know enough to see a giant red flag there

with mixing of narcotics (I assume) and liquor. Yikes. BUT, then again,

what can you do? Other than potentially alert the authorities of her

behavior? I honestly don't know =(

I also think it seems very nada-like to " love things " . Funny how

possessions can make them happy, but human beings can be abused & thrown

away.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You don't deserve it. None of us

do.

Mia

>

>

> Just thought I'd share a personal update. My waif/hermit/histrionic nada

> has been on her best behavior lately because she knows I'll cut off contact

> with her if her behavior gets too extreme. Still, even her best behavior is

> totally bizarre, and I try to limit my in-person contact with her to as

> little possible. Went to visit her this weekend for 3 hours for my

> daughter's birthday. Mom was drunk, but not falling down or anything. (She's

> now on heavy duty painkillers for all of her " ailments " as well as alcohol.

> She's always been a drinker, but she's definitely becoming a drunk.)

>

> While we were there, she had to bring up yet again her theory that my dad

> is not actually my grampa's child, that she thinks his mother slept around

> and that my brother and I are not blood-related to our grampa at all. Which

> is ridiculous, because my brother looks exactly like grampa. And not that I

> would care, per se, but it's just one in a line of lies she tells about her

> in-laws, which hurt me for many years because my grandparents were so good

> to my brother and me and we loved them very much. (They're both gone now,

> and yet she still feels the need to talk trash on them.)

>

> It was odd. I felt sad for her, but in a very passing way, like you would

> for someone you don't know very well. And I certainly don't feel the urge

> anymore to try to intervene. Her health is her business, and frankly, if she

> shortens her life with her bad diet, drugs and alcohol, it's not going to

> hurt my feelings any. She looks terrible, her place is a mess, she has no

> money—-but that's all her fault. Not mine.

>

> I wish I could get over feeling the need to spend holidays with her. She

> loves them like a child. One of the reasons she so desperately wants to keep

> in contact with me is because I give her presents on her birthday and at

> Christmas. She loves presents. She loves things.

>