Pointers Please!!!

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all communication

with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own now and do not

want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada was never

physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention

the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused (for

example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police found

her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.)

Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere by

herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after enough awful

phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough was enough. We

still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now.

After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has agreed to

go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work on having a

relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really great. The

lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I even want to

try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly repeating

history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt is this

Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the therapist

and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist like when

we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was

younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works. I am

scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the repercussions

will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called " safe place " .

Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very

much appreciated!

Thanks

[Guest guest]

First of all, good for you for protecting your little one. I'd tell your mom to

go to the therapist alone for several months and then you MIGHT join in at a

later date. Watch in those several months whether she has made any changes. If

not, that's your answer. Sure, a therapist's office might provide some safety

and boundaries, but you you said, the aftermath might be horrific!!!!! Take

good care. This is my opinion. Let's see what others say.

Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all communication

with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own now and do not

want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada was never

physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention

the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused (for

example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police found

her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.)

Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere by

herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after enough awful

phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough was enough. We

still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now.

After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has agreed to

go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work on having a

relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really great. The

lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I even want to

try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly repeating

history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt is this

Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the therapist

and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist like when

we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was

younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works. I am

scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the repercussions

will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called " safe place " .

Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very

much appreciated!

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

That's exactly what I was going to say too, fellow Annie.

I would only agree to family counseling IF nada first agreed to go to weekly

individual therapy for at least 6 months prior, and give me proof that she'd

gone, such as giving me her therapists's name and number.

I personally didn't get anything out of agreeing to a family therapy session

with nada and her therapist. All that happened was that I could hear nada

crying in the background (it was done by conference call) and the therapist just

talked pretty much non-stop for the whole session. He basically said we should

try to get along better.

Gee, thanks, dude. (Your tax dollars at work; this was paid for by nada's

social security benefits.)

And so far, I can't recall anyone posting about a really good, positive, family

therapy session with their bpd or npd parent either at this group or at the

other groups I belong to.

So, maybe if you feel you can't get out of it, you could agree to have the

session with nada by conference call like I did. It takes the stress level down

a bit to know you don't have to physically be in her presence before, during, or

after the session.

On the upbeat side: if your nada is fairly low-functioning, she probably will

not be able to manage attending a weekly private therapy session for 6 months,

so, you'll be off the hook if you make that stipulation a requirement for your

participation after she does that.

Best of luck to you.

-Annie/anuria

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all communication

with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own now and do not

want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada was never

physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention

the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused (for

example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police found

her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.)

Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere by

herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after enough awful

phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough was enough. We

still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now.

After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has agreed to

go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work on having a

relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really great. The

lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I even want to

try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly repeating

history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt is this

Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the therapist

and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist like when

we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was

younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works. I am

scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the repercussions

will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called " safe place " .

Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very

much appreciated!

> >

> > Thanks

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'd be very hesitant to do this. What does your nada expect the

therapist to do for her? If she isn't admitting to having a

serious problem, then chances are high that she isn't going to

listen to what the therapist tells her. How did she choose the

therapist? Going to one with no experience with BPD is not

likely to have any good results even in the unlikely event of

your nada listening to the therapist.

If your nada is anything like mine, she'll probably drowned out

anything you want to say to the therapist and fill the the

therapist's ears with her false version of events. She'll make

it sound like you're the one with the problem, not her. If the

therapist doesn't have any experience with BPD, he/she may be

taken in by whatever stories your nada tells. Nadas tend to be

expert manipulaters and often put on a good show for outsiders.

My advice is not to do this unless you can have a private talk

with the therapist before going with your nada so that the

therapist has some understanding of the truth going in. Even

then I'd be very hesitant and suspicious of the whole thing. I

agree with the suggestion that you not participate in any joint

sessions with her until she has shown a real committment to

getting therapy. I think you're right to be scared of the

repercussions of saying what you feel with her there.

At 01:34 PM 02/21/2011 shann2485 wrote:

>Hello,

>

>I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

>communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little

>girl of my own now and do not want to subject her to the things

>I had to go through. My nada was never physically abusive but

>VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention the

>emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has

>caused (for example, getting a phone call at work from the

>hospital because the police found her passed out in an elevator

>which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.) Then she gets

>angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere

>by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally

>after enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband

>and I decided enough was enough. We still get the phone calls

>and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now. After 6

>months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has

>agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try

>to work on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6

>months have been really great. The lack of stress and

>obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

>After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure

>I even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12

>years of constantly repeating history I am very skeptical that

>therapy will help anything. Our appt is this Friday and I am

>very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

>to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we

>see the therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her

>after seeing the therapist like when we are done and walking to

>our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was younger, but

>never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works.

>I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy

>that the repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we

>are outside that so-called " safe place " . Has anyone else been

>through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very much

>appreciated!

>

>Thanks

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Great advice! Thank you both! Another big part of why I am so skeptical about

all of this is because this is not the first time she has agreed to therapy. The

last therapist she " supposedly " saw a few months ago didn't last long. She went

to 4 sessions and then stopped. He was too far away, then he was too expensive.

I don't even know if she really went. I am sure the same pattern will happen

with family therapy. She will go once or twice and think its enough and

everything is fixed or the therapist will say something she doesn't like and

that will be the end of it but I am going to call the therapist now and see

about a conference call, a great idea!!

Nada going to therapy has been a bit of an ultimatum. She loves to remind my

husband and I along with just about any person who will listen to her of what

terrible people we are keeping her from seeing her grandchild. I told her that

if she went to therapy and her and I could establish a healthy relationship she

could see my daughter, but that we will have had to have been in a " healthy "

place for quite awhile before that could happen. This is pretty much a last

chance for her and as sad as it might be to think, a part of me hopes that this

attempt doesn't work either and that my family and I can move on with our own

lives. We have plenty of other family members that love and support us in a

healthy way, and I am so afraid for my daughter to ever have to experience or

witness me experiencing turmoil because of nada. I gave nada the ultimatum of

therapy thinking she would never go, big mistake on my part and now I feel like

I am between a rock and a hard spot. The need to protect my family and also

feeling like I have to honor my word and trying to figure out if there is a way

to do both....

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own

now and do not want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada

was never physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to

mention the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused

(for example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police

found her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the

bathroom.) Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter

anywhere by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after

enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough

was enough. We still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just

ignore them now. After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us,

she has agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work

on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really

great. The lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so

many ways. After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I

even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly

repeating history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt

is this Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am

afraid to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the

therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist

like when we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy

when I was younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy "

works. I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the

repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called

" safe place " . Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any

advice is very much appreciated!

> > >

> > > Thanks

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I would be willing to bet just about everything on how right you are... what you

said are my fears exactly. I actually picked the therapist though and she is

experienced with BPD along with many other personality disorders. I have spoken

to this therapist on the phone and have given her a bit of our history, but

after reading the replys to my post it looks like therapy is just not a good

idea any way you slice it when it comes to nadas. I have yet to see anyone who

has actually benefited from it. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

Although I wish none of us had to go through the things we have with our nadas,

it is nice to know that I am not the only one out there.

> >Hello,

> >

> >I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

> >communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little

> >girl of my own now and do not want to subject her to the things

> >I had to go through. My nada was never physically abusive but

> >VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention the

> >emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has

> >caused (for example, getting a phone call at work from the

> >hospital because the police found her passed out in an elevator

> >which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.) Then she gets

> >angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere

> >by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally

> >after enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband

> >and I decided enough was enough. We still get the phone calls

> >and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now. After 6

> >months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has

> >agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try

> >to work on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6

> >months have been really great. The lack of stress and

> >obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

> >After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure

> >I even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12

> >years of constantly repeating history I am very skeptical that

> >therapy will help anything. Our appt is this Friday and I am

> >very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

> >to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we

> >see the therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her

> >after seeing the therapist like when we are done and walking to

> >our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was younger, but

> >never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works.

> >I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy

> >that the repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we

> >are outside that so-called " safe place " . Has anyone else been

> >through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very much

> >appreciated!

> >

> >Thanks

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with everyone - the scenario of the nada going to therapy a few

times and then crying to everyone how she did what she was told and her

daughter is just a bitch is so true. The won't keep going because they won't

look at themselves in a mirror.

But Family Therapy is amazing amazing amazing. I've only read about it and I

find it so interesting that I actually want to go back to school and study

it. Start with the Family Crucible by Karl Whitaker. Totally look into it -

just too cool.

XOXO

>

>

> I would be willing to bet just about everything on how right you are...

> what you said are my fears exactly. I actually picked the therapist though

> and she is experienced with BPD along with many other personality disorders.

> I have spoken to this therapist on the phone and have given her a bit of our

> history, but after reading the replys to my post it looks like therapy is

> just not a good idea any way you slice it when it comes to nadas. I have yet

> to see anyone who has actually benefited from it. Thank you so much for

> sharing your experience. Although I wish none of us had to go through the

> things we have with our nadas, it is nice to know that I am not the only one

> out there.

>

>

>

> > >Hello,

> > >

> > >I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

> > >communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little

> > >girl of my own now and do not want to subject her to the things

> > >I had to go through. My nada was never physically abusive but

> > >VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention the

> > >emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has

> > >caused (for example, getting a phone call at work from the

> > >hospital because the police found her passed out in an elevator

> > >which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.) Then she gets

> > >angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere

> > >by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally

> > >after enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband

> > >and I decided enough was enough. We still get the phone calls

> > >and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now. After 6

> > >months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has

> > >agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try

> > >to work on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6

> > >months have been really great. The lack of stress and

> > >obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

> > >After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure

> > >I even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12

> > >years of constantly repeating history I am very skeptical that

> > >therapy will help anything. Our appt is this Friday and I am

> > >very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

> > >to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we

> > >see the therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her

> > >after seeing the therapist like when we are done and walking to

> > >our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was younger, but

> > >never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works.

> > >I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy

> > >that the repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we

> > >are outside that so-called " safe place " . Has anyone else been

> > >through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very much

> > >appreciated!

> > >

> > >Thanks

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One other thing to thing about. Your daughter is very young now, correct? But

when she gets older, like around 10 or so, and balks at something her grandnada

did, her grandnada will unleash on her too. When your nada can't control your

daugher, look out.

Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own

now and do not want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada

was never physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to

mention the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused

(for example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police

found her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the

bathroom.) Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter

anywhere by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after

enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough

was enough. We still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just

ignore them now. After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us,

she has agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work

on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really

great. The lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so

many ways. After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I

even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly

repeating history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt

is this Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am

afraid to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the

therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist

like when we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy

when I was younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy "

works. I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the

repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called

" safe place " . Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any

advice is very much appreciated!

> > > >

> > > > Thanks

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Annie, my daughter is only 2 right now. What you have said is something I

have often thought and worried about. An even bigger fear of mine is that when

my daughter is even older, nada will try to " recruit " my daughter to her side by

making my husband and I look like the enemy which I know can be very easy to do

in the eyes of a teenager. I fear the " secrets " nada might tell her or the

inappropriate things she might try to do behind our backs to score points or

seem cool to our daughter, like encourage her to have sex with boyfriends, skip

school, or buy alcohol or cigarettes. I have seen her do it before when I was

little with her sisters kids. They all thought she was the " coolest " aunt. I

don't want my daughter to get caught up in that.

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello,

> > > > >

> > > > > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own

now and do not want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada

was never physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to

mention the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused

(for example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police

found her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the

bathroom.) Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter

anywhere by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after

enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough

was enough. We still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just

ignore them now. After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us,

she has agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work

on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really

great. The lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so

many ways. After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I

even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly

repeating history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt

is this Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am

afraid to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the

therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist

like when we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy

when I was younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy "

works. I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the

repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called

" safe place " . Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any

advice is very much appreciated!

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, that would definitely be another worry. You've witnessed it already!

Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hello,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all

communication with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own

now and do not want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada

was never physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to

mention the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused

(for example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police

found her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the

bathroom.) Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter

anywhere by herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after

enough awful phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough

was enough. We still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just

ignore them now. After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us,

she has agreed to go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work

on having a relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really

great. The lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so

many ways. After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I

even want to try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly

repeating history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt

is this Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am

afraid to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the

therapist and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist

like when we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy

when I was younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy "

works. I am scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the

repercussions will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called

" safe place " . Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any

advice is very much appreciated!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Thanks

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Shann:

I read your post and said to myself, " I have to respond to this post because I

know what this woman is feeling. I have walked a mile in those shoes. "

All I can do is tell you what I would do, and have done, when confronted with

the feelings you describe: I would cancel the appointment without apology, and

simply inform both the therapist and nada, that I need more rest, separation and

space. Then I would take whatever phone/email changes necessary to make that

happen.

If I had a husband and daughter, both depending on me for love and support, my

choice would be super easy. Do I choose the Black Hole of Need, Trouble and

Chaos which is nada? Or do I choose love, life and my future, which are husband

and daughter?

I think you already know the correct answer, and your feelings are telegraphing

loud and clear that this therapy, at this time, is no way to proceed.

Hope this helps.

AFB

[Guest guest]

Thank you AFB. The truth is very clear, but it always helps to hear it from

other people. I had made up my mind earlier today after reading everyones

responses. I'm just not ready to put myself and possibly my family through this,

things have been going well lately and I am not ready to go back to the drama

that is nada... not sure if I ever will to be honest. However, Nada beat me to

the punch this afternoon and cancelled. She said she was in a car accident

yesterday (2nd one in a month), that she wouldn't be able to make it to our

session Friday, and that she didn't know when she would be able to make it. I

know there were no serious injuries from this accident, but I can't help but

wonder if there might be a DUI.

>

> Dear Shann:

> I read your post and said to myself, " I have to respond to this post because I

know what this woman is feeling. I have walked a mile in those shoes. "

>

> All I can do is tell you what I would do, and have done, when confronted with

the feelings you describe: I would cancel the appointment without apology, and

simply inform both the therapist and nada, that I need more rest, separation and

space. Then I would take whatever phone/email changes necessary to make that

happen.

>

> If I had a husband and daughter, both depending on me for love and support, my

choice would be super easy. Do I choose the Black Hole of Need, Trouble and

Chaos which is nada? Or do I choose love, life and my future, which are husband

and daughter?

>

> I think you already know the correct answer, and your feelings are

telegraphing loud and clear that this therapy, at this time, is no way to

proceed.

> Hope this helps.

> AFB

>

[Guest guest]

The red flags are flapping in the cyclone winds rising....

What a classic ploy by your malevolent Nada - in agreeing to therapy she can

make it look on the surface like she's the one co-operating with you....but try

not to get hoovered back in and deliberately remember and consiously call to

memory ALL the times she consciously chose NOT to cooperate with providing you

with a normal relationship or behavioural patterns in the first place...

I have been tricked by this too many times...we want desperately to hope that

the nada will change...and that somehow somewhere out there is a miracle-worker

therapist who can help them to become normal loving responsible...even for just

that one hour....we can fool ourselves into believing we can have the parent we

want.

But we don't have that parent, and from the way you write, with such protective

true love for your own daughter, you do understand clearly and precisely that

you don't have that parent either.

So I would say that...

1-UNLESS your nada already has a clinical diagnosis in place AND

2-UNLESS you get to choose and pre-authorise the therapist AND

3-UNLESS your husband / + any other persons you choose gets to go with you AND

4-UNLESS your nada is not allowed to talk AT ALL in the session and just lISTEN

to why you have concerns and how her behaviour has caused the NC....AND

5-UNLESS she commits in writing to a minimum of X amount of months of therapy of

this nature before you ever start AND

6- pays for the x months upfront in a big lump payment ( which you photograph

for future evidence for the next time you feel suckered in) AND

7- UNLESS she agrees the therapy is not a bargaining tool to allow her to see

your daughter, but a tool to help your relationship together... and that she

must accept that even with years of therapy you may still decide to have NC

between your daughter and her...AND

8- she agrees to printed transcripts of the therapy contents made available in

free distribution to whoever you would like!!! ( especially those who she

falsely tries to impress with her fakery and crooked behaviour!) AND

9-ANY OTHER FREAKING INSANE TERMS YOU WISH TO IMPOSE so that you can be in

charge of setting as many boundaries as you need for this to be safe FOR YOU!!!

10- AND she does all the legwork for booking the appointments, organising the

transport, paying the sessions, paying your babysitter...pays you for your time

in attending the session, pays for acleaner to come in and cook your dinner and

clean your house while you're away !!!! JUST MAKE HER WORK FOR IT GIRL!!!!

11- AND you have a list of at least 10, 20, 100 things that will demonstrate her

CHANGED BEHAVIOUR oVER A COURSE of years that will represent a true change of

heart, body and soul.

Basically, she'll probably just yank your chain with this one for a while until

she finds some other ploy to annoy, corrupt, or whittle away your precious new

time in your sacred new life...THAT SHE IS NOT A PART OF...this therapy things

is a desperate twisted attempt to be a part of the life you have cut her out of

and she is pretending to do anything to be allowed to bend your will / coerce

you subtly to allow her back in...and remember it is all her fault and a

consequence of her previous behaviour that she is out in the cold...once back

inside the warmth of your life she will drain you dry and suck the warmth and

hard-won joy from you like the vampire you know she is....and you simply do not

exist to accomodate her whims anymore. She had her chances a million times

already.

Now it's all about you, your man, your daughter. You can keep your new life

sacred. remember as you take these hard steps that you are the champion

protectors for your daughter, that your NADA/FADA never was for you!

>

> Hello,

>

> I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all communication

with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own now and do not

want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada was never

physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention

the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused (for

example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police found

her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.)

Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere by

herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after enough awful

phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough was enough. We

still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now.

After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has agreed to

go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work on having a

relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really great. The

lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I even want to

try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly repeating

history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt is this

Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the therapist

and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist like when

we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was

younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works. I am

scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the repercussions

will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called " safe place " .

Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very

much appreciated!

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I really needed to hear that!!! When it was

just me before husbands and babies, I kind of had the attitude of " I'm strong

and I can take it " . It is definitely a whole new ball game now that I have a

family of my own, my mama-bear instincts have definitely taken over the

obligation and guilt that I had when it came to nada. Now I just need to get

past the fear of what crazy thing she might do next.

I can not thank you all enough for your responses. I get a lot of support

through other family and friends, but no one truly understands like all of you.

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I could really use some/any helpful advice. I have cut off all communication

with my nada about 6 months ago. I have a little girl of my own now and do not

want to subject her to the things I had to go through. My nada was never

physically abusive but VERY mentally and emotionally abusive... not to mention

the emotional trauma that her past drinking and drug abuse has caused (for

example, getting a phone call at work from the hospital because the police found

her passed out in an elevator which she apparently mistook for the bathroom.)

Then she gets angry that I won't let her take my 2 year old daughter anywhere by

herself... yeah, like that's ever going to happen. Finally after enough awful

phone calls and emails from her, my husband and I decided enough was enough. We

still get the phone calls and emails and texts, but we just ignore them now.

After 6 months of zero contact or getting a response from us, she has agreed to

go to see a therapist as long as I go with her to try to work on having a

relationship. In all honesty, these past 6 months have been really great. The

lack of stress and obligation has benefited me and my family in so many ways.

After experiencing these past months without her, I am not sure I even want to

try to have a relationship anymore and after 12 years of constantly repeating

history I am very skeptical that therapy will help anything. Our appt is this

Friday and I am very nervous about it, as crazy as it sounds to me, I am afraid

to see her. I am afraid of the interaction with her before we see the therapist

and I am afraid of the interaction with her after seeing the therapist like when

we are done and walking to our cars. I have had individual therapy when I was

younger, but never with her. I am not sure how this " family therapy " works. I am

scared that if I speak my true feelings during therapy that the repercussions

will be relentless and extreme once we are outside that so-called " safe place " .

Has anyone else been through this? If so, was it beneficial? Any advice is very

much appreciated!

> >

> > Thanks

> >

>