Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 One year ago I went to a pulmonary clinic and was diasgnosed with a fatal disease. I had been lc with nada for one year. I acknowledged BD, mother's day and Christmas. I did not call nada and she had not called me for over five years. When nada got my letter, she called me and became the mother I had always wanted: kind, interested, compassionate. She called within two days after every Dr appointment to check on my progress. In May of 2010, I decided to seek a second opinion and sought an appointment with a teaching lung center. The doctors there reviewed my x-rays, lab results etc. This center determined that I have a rare lung disease (NOT FATAL, thank you, Lord) and I need to be very careful with my health. The lung center will continue to monitor my health. I joyously called nada in September and shared the good news with her. She expressed happiness and was very positive. In October, nada called and was the nada I knew and dreaded: nasty, caustic and of course, everything was my fault. I was stunned. Sadly realising that because of " being cured " nada did not have to act concerned. In November and December, calls between us were cordial and chatty. Nada now calls me because: she is bored and has no one to talk to or she is mad at the world and wants to dump her garbage on me. The main topic of her conversation is how wonderful my brother and his family are. This brother has two children and nada celebrates all holidays with gifts to the family. I have a large family and nada has NEVER even sent one of my children so much as a birthday card. My children will not return her phone calls beause she is so hateful to them. This last call, weathly almost 90 year old nada made it very clear that she will use her money to hold family members hostage for " benefits " after her death. Two years ago, I went limited contact and had a peaceful year. Now I know that nada can truly control her actions as evidenced by her about face as my diagnosis is no longer fatal. So I am griefing again and very very sad. This is the end of her life (her mother lived to 96 !!) and what we are sharing is once again a battlefield that she must " win " at all cost. And yes, nada speaks to others in the family how sweet I am, how wonderful my children are blah blah blah. May we all heal, Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Hi Connie, I'm glad for you that your condition did not turn out to be fatal; how stressful that must have been for you! I can't imagine, wow. And then to experience your nada's change of attitude, reverting to treating you badly because you were NOT terminally ill? Good Lord! Truly, its a kick in the stomach when we finally accept the reality, that in our case our mother isn't really capable of being a loving human being. Instead, its all about control and manipulation and surface appearances. I had to basically disinherit myself in order to take that weapon out of nada's hands. I didn't like what that was doing to me. I basically said, " Leave me out. Take my name off everything " so that nada could not even bring the subject up, as she would do, RE " I want to discuss how my will should be set up. " She was deliberately yanking my chain and I finally realized it, and just bowed out of that dance. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint. I don't think I would have had the willpower to do that if my nada were actually wealthy. My ability to withstand temptation is underdeveloped, so, I was able to turn down a few thousand potential dollars. I'm grateful that my character was not tested by a stupendous amount of money, I don't think I could turn THAT down. But all this is by way of saying that I can relate to your story, that nadas with npd traits and pure narcissists are indeed likely to use money/inheritance as weapons of control and manipulation: to engender competition and jealousy among their children/heirs. I think they want us to kowtow and slavishly kiss up to them, to compete with each other for their favors. I think they enjoy it. -Annie > > One year ago I went to a pulmonary clinic and was diasgnosed with a fatal disease. I had been lc with nada for one year. I acknowledged BD, mother's day and Christmas. I did not call nada and she had not called me for over five years. > > When nada got my letter, she called me and became the mother I had always wanted: kind, interested, compassionate. She called within two days after every Dr appointment to check on my progress. > > In May of 2010, I decided to seek a second opinion and sought an appointment with a teaching lung center. The doctors there reviewed my x-rays, lab results etc. This center determined that I have a rare lung disease (NOT FATAL, thank you, Lord) and I need to be very careful with my health. The lung center will continue to monitor my health. > > I joyously called nada in September and shared the good news with her. She expressed happiness and was very positive. > > In October, nada called and was the nada I knew and dreaded: nasty, caustic and of course, everything was my fault. I was stunned. Sadly realising that because of " being cured " nada did not have to act concerned. > > In November and December, calls between us were cordial and chatty. Nada now calls me because: she is bored and has no one to talk to or she is mad at the world and wants to dump her garbage on me. > > The main topic of her conversation is how wonderful my brother and his family are. This brother has two children and nada celebrates all holidays with gifts to the family. I have a large family and nada has NEVER even sent one of my children so much as a birthday card. My children will not return her phone calls beause she is so hateful to them. > > This last call, weathly almost 90 year old nada made it very clear that she will use her money to hold family members hostage for " benefits " after her death. > > Two years ago, I went limited contact and had a peaceful year. Now I know that nada can truly control her actions as evidenced by her about face as my diagnosis is no longer fatal. > > So I am griefing again and very very sad. This is the end of her life (her mother lived to 96 !!) and what we are sharing is once again a battlefield that she must " win " at all cost. > > And yes, nada speaks to others in the family how sweet I am, how wonderful my children are blah blah blah. > > May we all heal, Connie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Glad you are going to be ok - or at least somewhat ok. Yes, I think nada's get narcisstic supply from having an ill child. So they enjoy it. I've seen the same.So long as it didn't inconvience nada and she could brag about it to her friends she loved it if I was sick, had surgery or had any kind of problem. If you really died and she got to star in the funeral she'd be thrilled. I have a brother who died and boy did nada use that to her advantage every day for the rest of her life. She splits dead people good - living people are often bad. I have no idea why. Anyone know? On Mon, Feb 21, 2011 at 4:03 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Hi Connie, > > I'm glad for you that your condition did not turn out to be fatal; how > stressful that must have been for you! I can't imagine, wow. > And then to experience your nada's change of attitude, reverting to > treating you badly because you were NOT terminally ill? Good Lord! > > Truly, its a kick in the stomach when we finally accept the reality, that > in our case our mother isn't really capable of being a loving human being. > Instead, its all about control and manipulation and surface appearances. > > I had to basically disinherit myself in order to take that weapon out of > nada's hands. I didn't like what that was doing to me. I basically said, > " Leave me out. Take my name off everything " so that nada could not even > bring the subject up, as she would do, RE " I want to discuss how my will > should be set up. " She was deliberately yanking my chain and I finally > realized it, and just bowed out of that dance. Don't get me wrong, I am not > a saint. I don't think I would have had the willpower to do that if my nada > were actually wealthy. My ability to withstand temptation is underdeveloped, > so, I was able to turn down a few thousand potential dollars. I'm grateful > that my character was not tested by a stupendous amount of money, I don't > think I could turn THAT down. > > But all this is by way of saying that I can relate to your story, that > nadas with npd traits and pure narcissists are indeed likely to use > money/inheritance as weapons of control and manipulation: to engender > competition and jealousy among their children/heirs. I think they want us to > kowtow and slavishly kiss up to them, to compete with each other for their > favors. I think they enjoy it. > > -Annie > > > > > > > One year ago I went to a pulmonary clinic and was diasgnosed with a fatal > disease. I had been lc with nada for one year. I acknowledged BD, mother's > day and Christmas. I did not call nada and she had not called me for over > five years. > > > > When nada got my letter, she called me and became the mother I had always > wanted: kind, interested, compassionate. She called within two days after > every Dr appointment to check on my progress. > > > > In May of 2010, I decided to seek a second opinion and sought an > appointment with a teaching lung center. The doctors there reviewed my > x-rays, lab results etc. This center determined that I have a rare lung > disease (NOT FATAL, thank you, Lord) and I need to be very careful with my > health. The lung center will continue to monitor my health. > > > > I joyously called nada in September and shared the good news with her. > She expressed happiness and was very positive. > > > > In October, nada called and was the nada I knew and dreaded: nasty, > caustic and of course, everything was my fault. I was stunned. Sadly > realising that because of " being cured " nada did not have to act concerned. > > > > In November and December, calls between us were cordial and chatty. Nada > now calls me because: she is bored and has no one to talk to or she is mad > at the world and wants to dump her garbage on me. > > > > The main topic of her conversation is how wonderful my brother and his > family are. This brother has two children and nada celebrates all holidays > with gifts to the family. I have a large family and nada has NEVER even sent > one of my children so much as a birthday card. My children will not return > her phone calls beause she is so hateful to them. > > > > This last call, weathly almost 90 year old nada made it very clear that > she will use her money to hold family members hostage for " benefits " after > her death. > > > > Two years ago, I went limited contact and had a peaceful year. Now I know > that nada can truly control her actions as evidenced by her about face as my > diagnosis is no longer fatal. > > > > So I am griefing again and very very sad. This is the end of her life > (her mother lived to 96 !!) and what we are sharing is once again a > battlefield that she must " win " at all cost. > > > > And yes, nada speaks to others in the family how sweet I am, how > wonderful my children are blah blah blah. > > > > May we all heal, Connie > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 What an amazing story! First, I am so glad you are well/better and not terminal. Thank goodness. I have also seen nadas get a high off of taking care of their children and also to get sympathy. Her friends probably gave her so much attention because you were ill. And you're impending death probably gave her a lot of fuel, since she would be the grieving mother. I'm sorry that you have to got through all this again. Truly sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Connie, 90 year olds can be toxic too! I was glad to read that at least she is saying nice things about you to others. Maybe she liked the limited contact? And within that lack of contact was an idealization of you and your children? Who knows. I am only speculating. I am glad you are doing well, health-wise. That some some great news for you! Annie > > One year ago I went to a pulmonary clinic and was diasgnosed with a fatal disease. I had been lc with nada for one year. I acknowledged BD, mother's day and Christmas. I did not call nada and she had not called me for over five years. > > When nada got my letter, she called me and became the mother I had always wanted: kind, interested, compassionate. She called within two days after every Dr appointment to check on my progress. > > In May of 2010, I decided to seek a second opinion and sought an appointment with a teaching lung center. The doctors there reviewed my x-rays, lab results etc. This center determined that I have a rare lung disease (NOT FATAL, thank you, Lord) and I need to be very careful with my health. The lung center will continue to monitor my health. > > I joyously called nada in September and shared the good news with her. She expressed happiness and was very positive. > > In October, nada called and was the nada I knew and dreaded: nasty, caustic and of course, everything was my fault. I was stunned. Sadly realising that because of " being cured " nada did not have to act concerned. > > In November and December, calls between us were cordial and chatty. Nada now calls me because: she is bored and has no one to talk to or she is mad at the world and wants to dump her garbage on me. > > The main topic of her conversation is how wonderful my brother and his family are. This brother has two children and nada celebrates all holidays with gifts to the family. I have a large family and nada has NEVER even sent one of my children so much as a birthday card. My children will not return her phone calls beause she is so hateful to them. > > This last call, weathly almost 90 year old nada made it very clear that she will use her money to hold family members hostage for " benefits " after her death. > > Two years ago, I went limited contact and had a peaceful year. Now I know that nada can truly control her actions as evidenced by her about face as my diagnosis is no longer fatal. > > So I am griefing again and very very sad. This is the end of her life (her mother lived to 96 !!) and what we are sharing is once again a battlefield that she must " win " at all cost. > > And yes, nada speaks to others in the family how sweet I am, how wonderful my children are blah blah blah. > > May we all heal, Connie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 Connie, First of all, I'm so glad to hear your illness isn't fatal. How stressful that time must've been for you when you were told it was. Yeesh! Secondly, yes, isn't that just like nadas? As long as you're dying, they're human to us. After the dust has settled, return to regular programming. This would be difficult for me, b/c I would [erroneously] feel like I " owed " her for her good wishes, time, commitment, but, you and I both know that's not so. If anything, if being in contact with her makes you stressed or ill, you might consider scaling back from her in consideration of your own health. So sorry for all you've been through. Take good care of yourself. Fiona > > One year ago I went to a pulmonary clinic and was diasgnosed with a fatal disease. I had been lc with nada for one year. I acknowledged BD, mother's day and Christmas. I did not call nada and she had not called me for over five years. > > When nada got my letter, she called me and became the mother I had always wanted: kind, interested, compassionate. She called within two days after every Dr appointment to check on my progress. > > In May of 2010, I decided to seek a second opinion and sought an appointment with a teaching lung center. The doctors there reviewed my x-rays, lab results etc. This center determined that I have a rare lung disease (NOT FATAL, thank you, Lord) and I need to be very careful with my health. The lung center will continue to monitor my health. > > I joyously called nada in September and shared the good news with her. She expressed happiness and was very positive. > > In October, nada called and was the nada I knew and dreaded: nasty, caustic and of course, everything was my fault. I was stunned. Sadly realising that because of " being cured " nada did not have to act concerned. > > In November and December, calls between us were cordial and chatty. Nada now calls me because: she is bored and has no one to talk to or she is mad at the world and wants to dump her garbage on me. > > The main topic of her conversation is how wonderful my brother and his family are. This brother has two children and nada celebrates all holidays with gifts to the family. I have a large family and nada has NEVER even sent one of my children so much as a birthday card. My children will not return her phone calls beause she is so hateful to them. > > This last call, weathly almost 90 year old nada made it very clear that she will use her money to hold family members hostage for " benefits " after her death. > > Two years ago, I went limited contact and had a peaceful year. Now I know that nada can truly control her actions as evidenced by her about face as my diagnosis is no longer fatal. > > So I am griefing again and very very sad. This is the end of her life (her mother lived to 96 !!) and what we are sharing is once again a battlefield that she must " win " at all cost. > > And yes, nada speaks to others in the family how sweet I am, how wonderful my children are blah blah blah. > > May we all heal, Connie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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