Just shoveled snow for fada and feel like a piece of garbage.

February 21, 2011

I just can't do anything at all no matter how small for my fada without feeling

like an extreme whore. I just don't stop, y'know I really do envy sociopaths.

They can't feel love or empathy and I'm jealous. I live with my fada and my

hatred is all consuming. I can't leave because I'm unemployed, have no car,

access to a car, any income, savings, credit, have any friends, family or see

anyone.

Fada set me up and convinced my entire family I'm violent, mean and cannot be

trusted by calling the police and having me arrested after an extended extreme

paranoid delusion fueled sabotage. I can't get a job now because of it and I

lost my entire family. It's been 2 1/2 years now. I pushed him and threatened

to kill him but I am sooo glad I did because now he doesn't know what I'll do.

He thinks twice about doing anything nasty to me now because he thinks I am

going to kill him if he does. I never will and can never tell him that.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Just another after my FOG backslide.

February 21, 2011

,

My heart really breaks for you. And I wish I had some actual advice but I can

only think of one suggestion and that's maybe to call a social worker? Maybe

some of the other people on the board here who have had experience with social

workers can weigh in on this suggestion. Or maybe, I don't know if there is some

sort of welfare program that maybe can help you get out and away from him and on

your own? I know it's scary to leave because you don't want to be homeless, but

maybe a shelter is safer for you, right now? Maybe you would be able to

rehabilitate your life from his damage, they might be able to help you find work

and a stable home?

I'm just trying to think of ways for you to get out. Every time you post it

sounds like your soul is being crushed a little more.

I think others on here have had some experience with shelters or social workers.

Maybe they can weigh in.

February 21, 2011

, I second 's advice for you. Start with baby steps,and then go on

from there. Button pushing can send us all over the edge at one point or

another.

Annie

>

> ,

>

> My heart really breaks for you. And I wish I had some actual advice but I can

only think of one suggestion and that's maybe to call a social worker? Maybe

some of the other people on the board here who have had experience with social

workers can weigh in on this suggestion. Or maybe, I don't know if there is some

sort of welfare program that maybe can help you get out and away from him and on

your own? I know it's scary to leave because you don't want to be homeless, but

maybe a shelter is safer for you, right now? Maybe you would be able to

rehabilitate your life from his damage, they might be able to help you find work

and a stable home?

>

> I'm just trying to think of ways for you to get out. Every time you post it

sounds like your soul is being crushed a little more.

>

> I think others on here have had some experience with shelters or social

workers. Maybe they can weigh in.

>

February 22, 2011

I third the recommendation. Thank you for it, .

, every time you post I feel saddened for you in such a difficult

situation, because I've been there myself. But I also get the sense that you

are so emotionally raw that you may need to seek your own help to try to deal

with this. Yes, at the moment you will be living with him and will need to find

a way to strike a balance, but you won't always live with him. It will give you

a personal connection with someone to work on this stuff with.

I have been homeless before thanks to my Nada, but I had good, supportive, local

friends that helped me find placements during those times. Perhaps, as

said, getting connected to your local social services may be helpful. They

often have housing lists, can help you fill out forms for social assistance if

you need it and can point you in the direction of low/no cost counseling. Even

if yours doesn't have those things, it's their mission to at least point you in

the right direction. It's essentially a starting point.

Please take care of yourself, .

Latasha

February 22, 2011

Thnakyou for your kindly responses. I would like to see a therapist but I have

no income at all, and the therapists who specialize in BPD are not on a bus

route and require some payment for new clients.

It's hard to explain the depth of my Fada's sabotage. I've written several

explanations in drafts of this email and I just can't write it clearly enough

without paragraphs of detail. Basically, therapists for me are discouraging

because I have determined(just a guess) without formal diagnosis that I have

'dyspraxia'. This is a neurological developmental disorder and is famously

misdiagnosed as mental illness by psychologists and psychiatrists. During

therapy my credibility in their eyes fades with each session.

Dyspraxia is a guess but easily explains my imbalance, motor control, short-term

memory problems, speech problems, schooling difficulties and work problems.

Memory problems are the career and college career killers(it's the only one I

care about). My only respite is the recommendation of my neurologist who found

strange test results and recommended at my frustration, neuro-psychological

testing. But in my life as usual, insurance does not cover it and there is no

way in hell my family will loan me the money.

Finding a BPD and dyspraxia therapy specialist is non-existent and kind of a

dead end. Even if I'm formally diagnosed there is no treatment for dyspraxia.

I'm the only one who even diagnosed this in myself or BPD in my Fada.

Therapists confirm the delusions of the rest of my family and therefore lack of

help from them. I have a Mother, Sister, Aunts and cousins but they all listen

to my Mother who after betraying me with Fada I snapped and dropped a bomb on

her. I told my sister her little dark secret and that was that. I might as

well be dead now. I took control, was honest and will forever pay.

Thankyou again for listening. You guys are great!

>

> I third the recommendation. Thank you for it, .

>

> , every time you post I feel saddened for you in such a difficult

situation, because I've been there myself. But I also get the sense that you

are so emotionally raw that you may need to seek your own help to try to deal

with this. Yes, at the moment you will be living with him and will need to find

a way to strike a balance, but you won't always live with him. It will give you

a personal connection with someone to work on this stuff with.

>

> I have been homeless before thanks to my Nada, but I had good, supportive,

local friends that helped me find placements during those times. Perhaps, as

said, getting connected to your local social services may be helpful.

They often have housing lists, can help you fill out forms for social assistance

if you need it and can point you in the direction of low/no cost counseling.

Even if yours doesn't have those things, it's their mission to at least point

you in the right direction. It's essentially a starting point.

>

> Please take care of yourself, .

>

> Latasha

>

February 22, 2011

So sorry, . I agree with the other posters, though. If I was you (and I'm

not so I have no idea what your day-to-day situation is like) I would do

whatever I could to get out of there. You can try to find a social worker or

somebody who can help you get out of that situation. I can't imagine what I

would be doing if I was still living with my nada. The best thing I ever did for

myself was find to somebody else to live with while my nada got steadily worse.

It was definitely embarrassing (I was in high school at the time) but I found

people who were willing to let me live with them for a while. If you have a

disability that keeps you from getting the schooling/job that you need to

support yourself, you could talk to a social worker about disability benefits. I

have a step-aunt who is able to live on her own in an apartment with her

disability benefits. I wonder if you could that. It is definitely worth finding

out I think.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

-J

> >

> > I third the recommendation. Thank you for it, .

> >

> > , every time you post I feel saddened for you in such a difficult

situation, because I've been there myself. But I also get the sense that you

are so emotionally raw that you may need to seek your own help to try to deal

with this. Yes, at the moment you will be living with him and will need to find

a way to strike a balance, but you won't always live with him. It will give you

a personal connection with someone to work on this stuff with.

> >

> > I have been homeless before thanks to my Nada, but I had good, supportive,

local friends that helped me find placements during those times. Perhaps, as

said, getting connected to your local social services may be helpful.

They often have housing lists, can help you fill out forms for social assistance

if you need it and can point you in the direction of low/no cost counseling.

Even if yours doesn't have those things, it's their mission to at least point

you in the right direction. It's essentially a starting point.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself, .

> >

> > Latasha

> >

>

February 23, 2011

, I have my difficulties with therapists too, but I'd recommend you find

one also. In the end it's not about what they specialize in - it's about the

individual and their ability to really perceive you and your situation in a way

that helps you. Even someone with just general training if " the fit " is right

might be able to at least be your ally and sounding board.

Is there anything you can do each day that helps to relieve your stress and

bring in positive energy and ideas? Long walks, meditation, hard exercise, a

creative hobby of some kind? Those things might help things be more bearable at

least.

There are people who live on welfare and in subsidized housing. Have you

exhausted disability as an option? It's not a fun situation at all, but if you

could do that you'd at least be able to get out of your father's home. Could be

the start of rebuilding...

Good luck,

February 23, 2011

, I was going to suggest something similar to what climberkayak wrote. You

say you spent time in jail, is there not some type of counseling or rehab to

help you from that? I would also recommend legal aid to see if you have any

legal outs with Fada or looking into the legality of what happens if you place

yourself in a mental health clinic. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, but I know from

personal experience if you show up at an Emergency Room and say you are afraid

you may hurt yourself or others you will probably receive placement somewhere in

a mental health facility. You would have a T and dr.s Fada may or may not be

responsible for your care, but maybe they could help you with disability and

placement outside of Fada's. You do not say whether you live in an isolated

rural community or if you live in a busy city. There would be more options for

you in a busy city, like buses and other public transportation. The second time

my son was placed in a mental health facility he had gone to the hospital

because he thought his medication wasn't right and he made the mistake of saying

he felt like putting a bag over his head. He got ushered into the hall to be

watched by security and placed in a locked ward. While we were questioned about

his health and mental state we had no control over his placement or his care and

he had to give permission for us to talk to the counselors as he was considered

an adult in his 20's even though he lived at home.

Fada sounds as if he is trying to make you live just the way he lives my fada

wanted to do this to me too. It is a terrible feeling. You feel as if you are

suffocating.

I do recommend some kind of counseling just so they can help you get out of that

house, sometimes a minister, some churches will pick you up and give you rides

or help you find a job. Some ministers are professional counselors. I think the

idea is to find a counselor or social worker who can help you see what options

are available in your community to get out of Fada's house. If you are in a more

populated area some ministries specialize in helping people who are released

from jail. Even volunteering at a soup kitchen might help you find people who

know how to help you find ways to get help and get out of Fada's house. In my

state there are state run mental health clinics with counselors and you are

charged according to income if you do not have insurance, an out patient

facility of some type like this. My son hated the locked ward! If you go to an

ER be really careful of what you say, or you could end up in one, too.

Good luck!

Kay

Your situation seems untenable. I hope you find some respite.

---

February 23, 2011

, this is a link to a ADD newsletter

http://www.adultattentiondeficitdisorder.net/additude-magazine.html

that I receive via email. I also have problems, that mirrow some ADD

characteristics. I read this newsletter and implement the ideas that I feel

will help me thru my day. Sometimes the idea works and sometimes it doesn't.

The point is, that I am working on myself and do see positive results.

blessings, Connie

>

> Thnakyou for your kindly responses. I would like to see a therapist but I

have no income at all, and the therapists who specialize in BPD are not on a bus

route and require some payment for new clients.

>

> It's hard to explain the depth of my Fada's sabotage. I've written several

explanations in drafts of this email and I just can't write it clearly enough

without paragraphs of detail. Basically, therapists for me are discouraging

because I have determined(just a guess) without formal diagnosis that I have

'dyspraxia'. This is a neurological developmental disorder and is famously

misdiagnosed as mental illness by psychologists and psychiatrists. During

therapy my credibility in their eyes fades with each session.

>

> Dyspraxia is a guess but easily explains my imbalance, motor control,

short-term memory problems, speech problems, schooling difficulties and work

problems. Memory problems are the career and college career killers(it's the

only one I care about). My only respite is the recommendation of my neurologist

who found strange test results and recommended at my frustration,

neuro-psychological testing. But in my life as usual, insurance does not cover

it and there is no way in hell my family will loan me the money.

>

> Finding a BPD and dyspraxia therapy specialist is non-existent and kind of a

dead end. Even if I'm formally diagnosed there is no treatment for dyspraxia.

I'm the only one who even diagnosed this in myself or BPD in my Fada.

Therapists confirm the delusions of the rest of my family and therefore lack of

help from them. I have a Mother, Sister, Aunts and cousins but they all listen

to my Mother who after betraying me with Fada I snapped and dropped a bomb on

her. I told my sister her little dark secret and that was that. I might as

well be dead now. I took control, was honest and will forever pay.

>

> Thankyou again for listening. You guys are great!

>

February 23, 2011

Hi . I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties right now. I was

wondering if you had applied for assistance, such as Medicaid? (If you are

in the US). Now, I am in no way, shape or form an expert, but I can't help

but wonder if what's going on with the dizziness, motor control, etc, is

actually a balance disorder. I have what's called bilateral vestibulopathy,

which is a disorder of the vestibular part of both of my ears. When the

body is unbalanced, and the brain has to spend all of it's time focusing on

staying balanced, you sure can have issues with motor control, speech,

mental processing, short term memory etc. I went to an ENT (ear nose

throat) doctor and had middle ear testing done. Once they figured out what

was going on, I had to go to vestibular rehabilitation... twice. But, it

did end up helping A LOT. Besically vestibular rehab is like physical

therapy that teaches you (retrains your brain) to use other balance centers

in the body. Our ears are generally our primary balance centers, but we

have muscle receptors and obviously our eyes to help aid in balance.

Sometimes we just need to relearn how to use those when there's something

going on in the ear.

What makes me suspect this is frankly that you're a KO. Often bilateral

vestibulopathy can occur after head injury. If you were ever physically

abused and had any head trauma, this could be what's going on. Again, I am

NOT an expert, not a doctor, etc. But it is just something I thought of

because I've dealt with BV myself. It can also be caused by medications

which are toxic to the vesibular part of the ears (ototoxicity). There is

not a lot of information online about it, but this is a great website:

http://www.dizziness-and-balance.com/disorders/bilat/bilat.html

Anyway, my whole point of posting this was to maybe give you some hope.

Even if it's not bilateral vestibulopathy and I honestly wouldn't know

because I'm not a doctor and I sure don't know or need to know your medical

history, I really hope you will try not to get too worried that something is

incurable or unable to be fixed. There is often hope for many conditions

and ways we can learn to cope & even retrain our amazingly wonderful brains!

I hope you will look into something like Medicaid if you're in the US and

see about getting to a doctor & a therapist (there are some that do accept

Medicaid!). Also, if you're having difficulties working and it is something

difficult & life long, if you were to receive a proper diagnosis you may be

able to get disability which would give you some income and eventually

Medicare. If that were to happen, you might be able to focus on healing

from the horrors of your fada and whatever might be going on with your

balance/coordination.

Again, I'm not a doctor. What's going on with the balance/coordination/etc

could be a multitude of things. I just thought of my own experiences with

the bilateral vestibulopathy and know how AWFUL I felt before getting a

proper diagnosis and treatment. It's not cured (because there is no cure),

but it's very well managed now. I hardly ever have problems with it now.

Please hang in there. There is almost always hope.

Mia

On Tue, Feb 22, 2011 at 8:55 PM, H wrote:

>

> Thnakyou for your kindly responses. I would like to see a therapist but I

> have no income at all, and the therapists who specialize in BPD are not on a

> bus route and require some payment for new clients.

>

> It's hard to explain the depth of my Fada's sabotage. I've written several

> explanations in drafts of this email and I just can't write it clearly

> enough without paragraphs of detail. Basically, therapists for me are

> discouraging because I have determined(just a guess) without formal

> diagnosis that I have 'dyspraxia'. This is a neurological developmental

> disorder and is famously misdiagnosed as mental illness by psychologists and

> psychiatrists. During therapy my credibility in their eyes fades with each

> session.

>

> Dyspraxia is a guess but easily explains my imbalance, motor control,

> short-term memory problems, speech problems, schooling difficulties and work

> problems. Memory problems are the career and college career killers(it's the

> only one I care about). My only respite is the recommendation of my

> neurologist who found strange test results and recommended at my

> frustration, neuro-psychological testing. But in my life as usual, insurance

> does not cover it and there is no way in hell my family will loan me the

> money.

>

> Finding a BPD and dyspraxia therapy specialist is non-existent and kind of

> a dead end. Even if I'm formally diagnosed there is no treatment for

> dyspraxia. I'm the only one who even diagnosed this in myself or BPD in my

> Fada. Therapists confirm the delusions of the rest of my family and

> therefore lack of help from them. I have a Mother, Sister, Aunts and cousins

> but they all listen to my Mother who after betraying me with Fada I snapped

> and dropped a bomb on her. I told my sister her little dark secret and that

> was that. I might as well be dead now. I took control, was honest and will

> forever pay.

>

> Thankyou again for listening. You guys are great!

> gest<WTOAdultChildren1-digest ?subject=Email+Delivery:+Digest>•

>

Unsubscribe<WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ?subject=Unsubscribe>•

Terms

> of Use <http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/>

> .

>

February 23, 2011

Wow, thanks for all the wonderful responses and possible solutions! You guys

really are great.

Yes, I have tried to apply for medicare but Michigan requires you to apply for

state assistance first and enrollment is only 2 months a year(just missed it).

I've talked to Michigan's Rehabilitation Office(which is where disabled people

go) to start a business but they rejected my ideas and then rejected my

eligibility after that(counselor changed her mind about me since I didn't really

qualify to begin with).

I have considered ADD and therapists don't think I have it. Bilateral

vestibulopathy is a new one and I'll look into it and I greatly appreciate the

compassion you guys have. Thankyou.

I've had a lot of time since being laid off and honestly it was my choice 5

years ago not to pursue another job(then anyways when the market was stable). I

could not handle the weird treatment emotionally any more(sounds selfish I know)

after several jobs who let me go under ambiguous circumstances. I was fired for

making copies on the xerox machine without paying for them, another I was

falsely accused of stealing a laptop which later came out 2 employees set me up

for, etc. My immediate boss is usually uncomfortable firing me and co-workers

are usually shocked.

During my jobless time I accomplished a lot while living with my Mother and then

later with Fada. I've got a system to improve fuel effficiency of diesel

engines, designed a magnetic monopole for power, caused non-relativistic time

dilation, figured out how to reverse neurological paralysis(it's weird). Those

ideas can all make money but the best idea(with Fada around) causes a

non-thermodynamic(cold) nuclear reaction to occur and I don't fully understand

the process yet(but it's easy to do).

My idea to get out of my Dad's house is to raise 500 bucks to turn mercury

isotopes into a substance that I can sell to several local companies for a

living wage. It's not my idea, I'm copying what's already been done. Still

it's hard for me to believe I can do this and I struggle with self-esteem

constantly but what usually tanks my intiative is fear of Fada sabotage.

Just a little background on me. I was arrested for pushing my Father after one

of his paranoid delusions about me. The prosceutor charged me with domestic

violence and I refused to plead guilty. I couldn't afford 500 dollars for bail

and had to stay in jail for 3 weeks because I refused to negotiate a guilty plea

with the prosceutor and had to wait for trial. My family refused to pay for bail

of course and Fada is always totally broke. I then broke down and settled with

the prosecutor an hour before trial(she took me seriously then) and offered to

settle for a disorderly charge(in my own fucking house!!!) 1 year non-reporting

probation, 1000bucks and counseling to verify I can move back with Fada

safely(he thought I might be nuts).

Fada by then was sorry and remorseful. Of course I couldn't move back in with

Fada as I had to wait for an approval by a therapist. That was an extreme

disaster as I had no way to convince the therapist I was normal(dyspraxia

weirdness). During this whole process I had move into a seedy motel room while

waiting for approval and after 3 days move onto my Fada's front lawn in a tent.

I lived in that tent for months. Even my therapist told my probation officer

that I was doing that secretly and called the police on me. During therapy,

Fada(the only visit) was able to defeat the introductory personality test and

passed with flying colors(he studied it in college). I finally threatened to

sue the therapist, contact the APA and formally file a complaint and that sped

up their approval.

>

> >

> > Thnakyou for your kindly responses. I would like to see a therapist but I

> > have no income at all, and the therapists who specialize in BPD are not on a

> > bus route and require some payment for new clients.

> >

> > It's hard to explain the depth of my Fada's sabotage. I've written several

> > explanations in drafts of this email and I just can't write it clearly

> > enough without paragraphs of detail. Basically, therapists for me are

> > discouraging because I have determined(just a guess) without formal

> > diagnosis that I have 'dyspraxia'. This is a neurological developmental

> > disorder and is famously misdiagnosed as mental illness by psychologists and

> > psychiatrists. During therapy my credibility in their eyes fades with each

> > session.

> >

> > Dyspraxia is a guess but easily explains my imbalance, motor control,

> > short-term memory problems, speech problems, schooling difficulties and work

> > problems. Memory problems are the career and college career killers(it's the

> > only one I care about). My only respite is the recommendation of my

> > neurologist who found strange test results and recommended at my

> > frustration, neuro-psychological testing. But in my life as usual, insurance

> > does not cover it and there is no way in hell my family will loan me the

> > money.

> >

> > Finding a BPD and dyspraxia therapy specialist is non-existent and kind of

> > a dead end. Even if I'm formally diagnosed there is no treatment for

> > dyspraxia. I'm the only one who even diagnosed this in myself or BPD in my

> > Fada. Therapists confirm the delusions of the rest of my family and

> > therefore lack of help from them. I have a Mother, Sister, Aunts and cousins

> > but they all listen to my Mother who after betraying me with Fada I snapped

> > and dropped a bomb on her. I told my sister her little dark secret and that

> > was that. I might as well be dead now. I took control, was honest and will

> > forever pay.

> >

> > Thankyou again for listening. You guys are great!

> >

gest<WTOAdultChildren1-digest ?subject=Email+Delivery:+Digest>•

> >

Unsubscribe<WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ?subject=Unsubscribe>•

Terms

> > of Use <http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/>

> > .

> >

>

February 23, 2011

Just a few more thoughts ...if you can stand any more advice You know

that cliche about the perfect being the enemy of the good? I really see that

in your posts and it's something I have a problem with myself. If you will only

accept the best option and you can't get it, then you suffer with having no

option at all. Lots of creative people and inventors have to suffer through

working a regular type of job just so they can eat, pay the rent, etc. You too

might have to take something that might feel like drudgery, but if it got you

your freedom from an environment which is torture for you - living with your

fada - it could be worth it to you. Likewise odds are you won't find a

therapist who specializes in BPD and dyspraxia, but there's a chance, just a

chance, you might find one who can help you with the practical steps of getting

things to a better place. Wishing you well.

>

> Wow, thanks for all the wonderful responses and possible solutions! You guys

really are great.

>

> Yes, I have tried to apply for medicare but Michigan requires you to apply for

state assistance first and enrollment is only 2 months a year(just missed it).

I've talked to Michigan's Rehabilitation Office(which is where disabled people

go) to start a business but they rejected my ideas and then rejected my

eligibility after that(counselor changed her mind about me since I didn't really

qualify to begin with).

>

> I have considered ADD and therapists don't think I have it. Bilateral

vestibulopathy is a new one and I'll look into it and I greatly appreciate the

compassion you guys have. Thankyou.

>

> I've had a lot of time since being laid off and honestly it was my choice 5

years ago not to pursue another job(then anyways when the market was stable). I

could not handle the weird treatment emotionally any more(sounds selfish I know)

after several jobs who let me go under ambiguous circumstances. I was fired for

making copies on the xerox machine without paying for them, another I was

falsely accused of stealing a laptop which later came out 2 employees set me up

for, etc. My immediate boss is usually uncomfortable firing me and co-workers

are usually shocked.

>

> During my jobless time I accomplished a lot while living with my Mother and

then later with Fada. I've got a system to improve fuel effficiency of diesel

engines, designed a magnetic monopole for power, caused non-relativistic time

dilation, figured out how to reverse neurological paralysis(it's weird). Those

ideas can all make money but the best idea(with Fada around) causes a

non-thermodynamic(cold) nuclear reaction to occur and I don't fully understand

the process yet(but it's easy to do).

>

> My idea to get out of my Dad's house is to raise 500 bucks to turn mercury

isotopes into a substance that I can sell to several local companies for a

living wage. It's not my idea, I'm copying what's already been done. Still

it's hard for me to believe I can do this and I struggle with self-esteem

constantly but what usually tanks my intiative is fear of Fada sabotage.

>

> Just a little background on me. I was arrested for pushing my Father after

one of his paranoid delusions about me. The prosceutor charged me with domestic

violence and I refused to plead guilty. I couldn't afford 500 dollars for bail

and had to stay in jail for 3 weeks because I refused to negotiate a guilty plea

with the prosceutor and had to wait for trial. My family refused to pay for bail

of course and Fada is always totally broke. I then broke down and settled with

the prosecutor an hour before trial(she took me seriously then) and offered to

settle for a disorderly charge(in my own fucking house!!!) 1 year non-reporting

probation, 1000bucks and counseling to verify I can move back with Fada

safely(he thought I might be nuts).

>

> Fada by then was sorry and remorseful. Of course I couldn't move back in with