Feeling like the energy and life force get sucked out of you...

February 22, 2011

Today I am going to call her nada. I have not used the term until now, I have

not been able to bring myself to think it, much less write it. I have clung to

" mother " for all this time. Partly because she is not 100% bad, and there have

been good moments, and partly because admitting that you are an emotional and

psychological orphan is more difficult than one may think.

There is a long, heartfelt post trying to collect itself in my brain. A coherent

post that will give a chronological account of recent events, that will help me

work through the pain and frustration (the pain that her disease inflicts on me

and the frustration of my frequent retreats from the boundary lines and defenses

I have set up to protect myself), but I do not have the strength and mental

stamina to even write that post right now.

She is like a thunderstorm, an energy-sucking vortex, a hurricane, an earthquake

mixed together. She is miserable while she is raging, she is not happy to be

doing it, you can tell. Her whole life is strife, and yet she is incapable of

NOT being that way and unwilling to even try. The worst part is that just like

with those natural disasters, she leaves the person in her wake (most often that

person is me) disoriented, bewildered, paralyzed.

I cannot read, or think, or write, or be... I cannot engage fully with my

children or engage in my life when she sucks the life force out of me. I look

back upon my life and mourn the potential that has been lost, the days and hours

of creativity and productivity, the many good things I could have done in this

world, that have been stolen by this disease of hers.

I am capable, creative, have a top 2% IQ, loving, flexible, have incredible

interpersonal skills (I am not blowing my own horn here, all of this is either

objectively measured, like IQ, or has been given as feedback to me over decades

by teachers, friends, bosses). There is not a single person in my life who has

not enjoyed and benefited from their acquaintance with me. I try to leave every

place, every project a little better than when I found it. And yet, I look at

how little of what I had sat out to accomplish I have actually been able to

accomplish. I look at projects I have had to abandon, at the opportunities I

have had to let go, etc.... all because of my " family situation " . Lest I come

across as blaming anyone, including nada, for my failures, let me clarify that I

and I alone am responsible for my life. I do not walk around thinking or saying,

" oh, it's my mother's fault, it's my father's fault, etc. " about ANYTHING (in

fact this is to such a degree that it frustrates 2 of my close friends who know

the situations, because they feel like I accept too much responsibility for

things that are not at all, and never were, within my control). What I am

feeling is a deep sense of sadness and regret, and not just for me, but for all

the other people in the world whose lives have been affected by BPD and other

mental illnesses.

Who knows what could have been accomplished? Perhaps cures for cancers would

have been discovered by now if the people capable of finding them had not been

stuck in intractable family nightmares? Who is to say that the abused child of a

BPD or narcissistic or schizophrenic mother who is now focusing all his energy

on surviving the aftermath of her abuse would not have found a great

alternative/clean/cheap energy solution by now? Who is to say that a great

musician has not been forever lost to the world because not only was her talent

not recognized or supported, but her entire life has been a struggle for basic

emotional/psychological/physical survival?

This is what makes me so sad today... as I sit here incapable of focusing on

reading what I clearly enjoy, unable to study for the exam I have tomorrow. Some

may say I am weak because I should be able to just focus and march through this.

Perhaps I am weak... but some days it's a lot harder to be strong after

repeatedly hearing " you are evil, fundamentally mean, an ungrateful monster

undeserving child of the world's greatest mother " ... Today is such a day...

Arianna

February 22, 2011

((((((Arianna))))))

Yes, some days its just harder than other days. I can resonate; when I was

still in contact with my nada, being around her sapped everything out of me.

After prolonged contact, I felt like an empty insect husk after the spider is

done with it.

I don't have much advice, except perhaps offering that perhaps you could try

what works for me sometimes: getting angry.

Us KOs have been conditioned in childhood to deny and repress our anger: it was

forbidden. But now that we are adults we can choose to access it.

Being abused should make us angry! I'm not talking mindless rage, I'm talking

righteous indignation. How dare anyone think he or she has the *right* to

verbally or physically abuse me, shame or denigrate me (for no reason), use or

exploit me, cheat or steal from me, or attempt to destroy my good name and

reputation? Being treated unfairly ought to make us mad enough to stand up to

it and say, " Enough is enough! " We have the right to say things like, " I'm not

for screaming at, calling names, or having false accusations dumped on me. When

you act that way I'm not going to listen. I'm going to leave/hang up. "

That only works for me when I'm not forced to remain in my nada's presence; so

if I'm just visiting her for a brief time or if I'm on the phone with her and

have the power to leave or hang up, I can be assertive like that.

Its still draining to be assertive, but much less so that just silently " taking

it. "

-Annie

>

> Today I am going to call her nada. I have not used the term until now, I have

not been able to bring myself to think it, much less write it. I have clung to

" mother " for all this time. Partly because she is not 100% bad, and there have

been good moments, and partly because admitting that you are an emotional and

psychological orphan is more difficult than one may think.

>

> There is a long, heartfelt post trying to collect itself in my brain. A

coherent post that will give a chronological account of recent events, that will

help me work through the pain and frustration (the pain that her disease

inflicts on me and the frustration of my frequent retreats from the boundary

lines and defenses I have set up to protect myself), but I do not have the

strength and mental stamina to even write that post right now.

>

> She is like a thunderstorm, an energy-sucking vortex, a hurricane, an

earthquake mixed together. She is miserable while she is raging, she is not

happy to be doing it, you can tell. Her whole life is strife, and yet she is

incapable of NOT being that way and unwilling to even try. The worst part is

that just like with those natural disasters, she leaves the person in her wake

(most often that person is me) disoriented, bewildered, paralyzed.

>

> I cannot read, or think, or write, or be... I cannot engage fully with my

children or engage in my life when she sucks the life force out of me. I look

back upon my life and mourn the potential that has been lost, the days and hours

of creativity and productivity, the many good things I could have done in this

world, that have been stolen by this disease of hers.

>

> I am capable, creative, have a top 2% IQ, loving, flexible, have incredible