Guest guest Posted February 23, 2011 Report Share Posted February 23, 2011 I pretty much cut-off Nada about 6 months ago, enough was enough and I just couldn't take it anymore. I know my husband has had to deal with more than he ever should have had to, but he is a wonderful man and had always been there for me. Fortunately for my little girl she is very young and does not know Nada. My husband and I decided that for Nada to have a relationship with any of us, she had to agree to therapy. Nada has had a lifetime of chances yet I still keep giving them. When will I learn? She has agreed to go to therapy several times but always ends up canceling. Then she finally agreed to family therapy and we were supposed to have our first session this Friday. I got a msg from her Monday stating that she was going to have to cancel. Apparently she had been in a car accident (the 2nd one in a month) and wouldn't be able to make the appt and didn't know when she would be able to attend in the future. I know there were no serious injuries, as my step-father who had also been in the car was able to go back to work and Nada had called me from home. She told me what her injuries were and it was mostly just some bumps and bruises and a bit of seat belt rash. I wrote an email (that is the only way I will respond to her anymore) that stated I was sorry to hear about the car accident and I was happy that no one was seriously hurt. I told her not to worry about the counseling and that we would reschedule when she was feeling up for it. Apparently I failed the test. I got an email back that said I do not love unconditionally, I am a cold person and that she feels sorry for my daughter and to have a nice life. ---- WOW! Definitely not the response I expected. So basically if I don't let nada do and say whatever she wants, if I have boundaries, if I want to spare my family from her drama then that means I don't love unconditionally? It just makes me so angry that I say something like sorry to hear about the accident, glad you are ok and that somehow makes me the worst person ever, yet she can say awful things and everyone just has to deal with it and take it. I am done dealing. I am done giving chances. Sorry for the rant everyone, but nadas email made my blood boil and as much as I want to write her back and give her a piece of my mind I know it would be pointless. So I came here where I knew people would understand. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 23, 2011 Report Share Posted February 23, 2011 Your nada sounds a bit like mine; my nada has and always has had unrealistic expectations about me. I was always criticized for not being perfect. I wasn't smart enough, or pretty enough, or obedient enough, or talented enough, or good enough, or anything enough. I didn't show her my love and appreciation frequently or intensely enough, either. (Note: I have to give nada credit for encouraging me to develop my talent, but, sadly, I think it was for her own sake. She wanted something to make her look like a super-mom, it wasn't about me, it was about her.) So, you didn't show your concern the " right " way, apparently; you didn't meet nada's expectations. She was probably expecting that her drama would elicit a phone call from you, and you didn't take the bait, although you did express your sympathy and you didn't berate her for missing the appointment. Its just another indication of your nada's unrealistic, fantasy-like expectations RE what things ought to be like or should be like, and never mind that she brought the limited contact from you on herself *by mistreating you.* I think we end up in a more peaceful emotional state when we accept that nada is truly severely mentally ill and is incapable of meeting *our* expectations of a good-enough mother. (Me personally, I'd settle for simply having a " neutral " , somewhat detached, non-abusive mom. But maybe even that is too much of an expectation. Mine's either " black " or " white. " ) -Annie > > I pretty much cut-off Nada about 6 months ago, enough was enough and I just couldn't take it anymore. I know my husband has had to deal with more than he ever should have had to, but he is a wonderful man and had always been there for me. Fortunately for my little girl she is very young and does not know Nada. My husband and I decided that for Nada to have a relationship with any of us, she had to agree to therapy. Nada has had a lifetime of chances yet I still keep giving them. When will I learn? She has agreed to go to therapy several times but always ends up canceling. Then she finally agreed to family therapy and we were supposed to have our first session this Friday. I got a msg from her Monday stating that she was going to have to cancel. Apparently she had been in a car accident and wouldn't be able to make the appt and didn't know when she would be able to attend in the future. I know there were no serious injuries, as my step-father who had also been in the car was able to go back to work and Nada had called me from home. She told me what her injuries were and it was mostly just some bumps and bruises and a bit of seat belt rash. I wrote an email (that is the only way I will respond to her anymore) that stated I was sorry to hear about the car accident and I was happy that no one was seriously hurt. I told her not to worry about the counseling and that we would reschedule when she was feeling up for it. Apparently I failed the test. I got an email back that said I do not love unconditionally, I am a cold person and that she feels sorry for my daughter. ---- WOW! Definitely not the response I expected. It makes me so angry that I say something like sorry to hear about the accident, glad you are ok and that somehow makes me the worst person ever, yet she can say awful things and everyone just has to deal. I am done dealing. I am done giving chances. > > Sorry for the rant everyone, but nadas email made my blood boil and as much as I want to write her back and give her a piece of my mind I know it would be pointless. So I came here where I knew people would understand. > > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 I think she probably accepted your concern because most BPD's love the attention and feeling like a victim. What may have pushed her over the edge was the fact that you're not letting go of the family counseling. She feels pushed into a corner and is fighting back with her attacks that your love is not unconditional. Hmm, unconditional love doesn't mean you have to be her whipping boy, taking whatever she feels like dishing out. You can care about and love a person but you don't have to love and accept their behavior. I'm still working on that with my nada. I don't want to watch her suffer although she brings a lot of that on herself. But I don't have to stand there and let her treat me like dog poop either. > > I was sorry to hear about the car accident and I was happy that no one was seriously hurt. I told her not to worry about the counseling and that we would reschedule when she was feeling up for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Good on you for not responding. Yes it does make you so angry you can feel your blood boil when these things happen. Responding just buys into the game and gives them the attention that they require and the drama they thrive on. I too always come here with my anger. You are safe here and validated. NC has been the best thing for me and my husband and daughter. I too asked Nada to seek help to be in our lives and she told me she was too old to change, so that was it, no more contact. Sounds like your Nada was expecting you to feel sorry for her again and drop your boundries. Of course she was angry you didn't. Well done!!!!!!!!!!! I think you should pat yourself on the back for standing strong and knowing what is good for you. Hang in there, Kazam x > > I pretty much cut-off Nada about 6 months ago, enough was enough and I just couldn't take it anymore. I know my husband has had to deal with more than he ever should have had to, but he is a wonderful man and had always been there for me. Fortunately for my little girl she is very young and does not know Nada. My husband and I decided that for Nada to have a relationship with any of us, she had to agree to therapy. Nada has had a lifetime of chances yet I still keep giving them. When will I learn? She has agreed to go to therapy several times but always ends up canceling. Then she finally agreed to family therapy and we were supposed to have our first session this Friday. I got a msg from her Monday stating that she was going to have to cancel. Apparently she had been in a car accident (the 2nd one in a month) and wouldn't be able to make the appt and didn't know when she would be able to attend in the future. I know there were no serious injuries, as my step-father who had also been in the car was able to go back to work and Nada had called me from home. She told me what her injuries were and it was mostly just some bumps and bruises and a bit of seat belt rash. I wrote an email (that is the only way I will respond to her anymore) that stated I was sorry to hear about the car accident and I was happy that no one was seriously hurt. I told her not to worry about the counseling and that we would reschedule when she was feeling up for it. Apparently I failed the test. I got an email back that said I do not love unconditionally, I am a cold person and that she feels sorry for my daughter and to have a nice life. ---- WOW! Definitely not the response I expected. So basically if I don't let nada do and say whatever she wants, if I have boundaries, if I want to spare my family from her drama then that means I don't love unconditionally? It just makes me so angry that I say something like sorry to hear about the accident, glad you are ok and that somehow makes me the worst person ever, yet she can say awful things and everyone just has to deal with it and take it. I am done dealing. I am done giving chances. > > Sorry for the rant everyone, but nadas email made my blood boil and as much as I want to write her back and give her a piece of my mind I know it would be pointless. So I came here where I knew people would understand. > > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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