Odd things Nadas & Fadas said or did

[Guest guest]

Incidentally, I went onto the Oz yahoo group for people divorcing a BP and read

some of the posts. There were people who were waffling and unsure about

divorcing, and some even had small children. I posted this story about fada

being sick, and I let them know on that listserv that this is what your old age

will be like.

I think I might have convinced a few people to push through and finalize their

divorces, and I certainly made some friends who asked me for advice for being a

better parent to their children. I exchanged emails with them for a while.

I'm glad I had a tiny opportunity to share the wisdom I know, and hopefully help

a few people from going down the road Fada took to old age in hell.

Hugs,

Walkingto Happiness

>

>

> On a roll here...someone stop me!

>

> Nada wouldn't visit Fada in hospital much when he had bowel cancer surgery &

treatment as she thought it was just TOO BORING and nothing for her to do, plus

" your Father doesnt want to do anything except lie around and feel sorry for

himself and he doesn't make any interesting conversation (!) so whats the point

of going? "

>

> Then when he came out of surgery she cooked him lots and lots of fried bacon,

eggs, liver, meat and other hard-to-digest food as he needed to recover from the

surgery and get his bowel working again...(!)

>

> She hasn't quite managed to deliberately feed him to death yet tho'.

>

[Guest guest]

From time to time, I'll go over to the " Undecided " Group, and if any member

there mentions that they have children and their bpd spouse or bpd

girlfriend/boyfriend is being hostile or rejecting or hyper-critical, or

punitive, or negligent, or has unrealistic, perfectionistic expectations of the

children, or treats them as though she is envious of them or jealous of them, if

she scapegoats them, then, I post there and mention that I am the adult child of

a bpd mother, and that kind of treatment messed me up really badly.

I urge the non-pd parent to get treatment for the kids, that the kids are

essentially voiceless and have to endure whatever abuse the bpd caretaker feels

like dishing out when the non-pd parent isn't around. I hope that I too have

opened some eyes, and gotten some kids out of a bad situation sooner rather than

later.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > On a roll here...someone stop me!

> >

> > Nada wouldn't visit Fada in hospital much when he had bowel cancer surgery &

treatment as she thought it was just TOO BORING and nothing for her to do, plus

" your Father doesnt want to do anything except lie around and feel sorry for

himself and he doesn't make any interesting conversation (!) so whats the point

of going? "

> >

> > Then when he came out of surgery she cooked him lots and lots of fried

bacon, eggs, liver, meat and other hard-to-digest food as he needed to recover

from the surgery and get his bowel working again...(!)

> >

> > She hasn't quite managed to deliberately feed him to death yet tho'.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, that is indeed the perfect comeback, but you're right, it wouldn't

have helped things any - my father or mother would have come up with

something else totally bizarre and illogical.

Another odd thing that happened during that same visit where they freaked

out over my leg hair - the thing that caused me to leave, and never visit

them again - well, this isn't funny, just incredibly odd and uncalled-for:

I went out to lunch with an old family friend, a very sweet elderly

gentleman who had known my parents and family for decades. I had recently

been diagnosed with clinical depression, and I was talking to him about

that. I couldn't talk to my parents about it - I mean, I'd tried that very

morning but they'd just started screaming at me and saying I was just

lazy and stupid and wanting attention, but this man was a kind and

compassionate soul, so I knew I could confide in him. As we were talking, he

told me he knew depression could be inherited and that, in fact, my uncle,

my father's brother (who died before I was born) had suffered from

depression and had committed suicide. Well, the story I'd been told was that

there was some kind of a love triangle involving my uncle and his spurned

girlfriend, who shot and killed him. So I went home and asked my father if

Uncle Mickey had committed suicide. How did he react? He immediately

PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE - hard - and proceded to kick and slap me. And

then both my parents started screaming at me and calling me horrible things,

and crying. I remember trembling and feeling sick. My parents knew I had

been out to lunch with their old friend, and my father called him and

screamed and swore at him, and my parents cut this nice man out of their

life completely. They didn't even stop to consider for one second that, hm,

he may have gotten the information wrong or some rumor had gotten out of

hand. It turns out the truth was that my uncle WAS killed by his spurned

girlfriend, but the thing is, this old family friend had meant well, and he

may have heard a wrong version of what happened and my parents never even

thought of asking him where he got his information. Well, I called a friend

to pick me up (over the screams and protests and slaps and tears of my

parents), stayed with her for the rest of the time I was in L.A., and I

never saw my parents again.

Judy

On Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 1:35 AM, climberkayak wrote:

>

>

> Wow, that's got me laughing. I thought of a comeback for your father - the

> fish don't need the hair to hold the pheromones because the water carries

> them. Not that you saying that would have helped things any...what

> neurotics!

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > When I was 28, living in San Francisco, I was in tour in Los Angeles,

> where

> > my parents lived. I had a week off, and I hadn't seen my parents for

> several

> > years, so I went home to visit and stay a few days until I had to go back

> to

> > San Francisco.

> > At the time, I wasn't shaving my legs or pits. Hairiness was the style

> among

> > my female friends in San Francisco

> > So I walk into the living room and my parents see the hair on my legs

> > (which, by the way, was neither particularly thick nor dark) and start

> > screaming at me about it. My father actually started CRYING. My mother

> goes

> > on and on about how NICE PEOPLE shave their legs and armpits, and BAD

> PEOPLE

> > don't. I logically pointed out that even NICE men didn't shave, and MEN

> are

> > people. So my mother screams at the top of her lungs, " IF A MAN IS NICE,

> HE

> > SHAVES HIS LEGS AND ARMPITS!) (guess that means my father - still crying

> -

> > wasn't nice). Then my father sobs, " What is the PURPOSE of that hair

> > anyway? It has no PURPOSE! " And I started in on this whole thing about

> the

> > purposes of body hair, being all scientific about it, and when I got to

> the

> > part about body hair holding pheromones and playing an important part in

> the

> > mating process, my father yells, " FISH MATE, AND THEY DON'T HAVE HAIR! "

> > At that point, I could say no more.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Not to be cruel, but I think the people on the list for people who are in a

relationship with BPs (either planning to stay or leave) should all come over to

our list occasionally and see what happens to a child of an undiagnosed or

untreated person with BPD. It's one thing for them to subject themselves to it,

but occasionally I see posts on that list from people who love their BPD so much

and want to marry them and have kids (and considering how their BPDs treat them,

I find it horrifying). It's quite another thing to knowingly subject a child you

intend to bring into this world or your born children to a life with someone who

has BPD and is not seeking treatment. In fact, subjecting your children to a

spouse with BPD who abuses them is unconsciounable neglect, isn't it?

I don't know, perhaps I'm being harsh, but it really kills me to think that I

won't be the last one. Many more children will have to grow up the way I did,

and suffer the way I did as a child and adult, and will have good portions of

their lives stolen from them due to psychological trauma caused by living with

someone with BPD. I don't want to be insensitive to people with BPD. Yes, they

have a disorder, an illness, but that's still no reason to subject any child to

that life.

[Guest guest]

Plastic surgery ain't all it's cut up to be!

Snort.

As the KO of 'that' beautiful story, I'll say that my reality with Nada has

always been 'colorful' at best... I have so many stories that come to mind it's

overwhelming. But the recurrent theme is always, " Nada is RIGHT and someone

else is WRONG. " The lengths she'll go to keep this true and viable are amazing.

When she does go off on so me weird, bizarre, colorful, often illegal tangent, I

now catch myself thinking, 'I bet OTHER PEOPLE'S MOTHERS don't say things like

this.' Keeps me relatively sane to realize it's really HER and NOT me!

Therapist had (has) me keeping a bullet point tablet of 'weird stuff Nada says "

in a format like this 1) list the 'thing', 2) list the circumstance under which

it was said, 3) list how I FELT in 2 or 3 words about it. Nothing more.

Nothing less. Man oh mighty... would make an EXCELLENT movie that no one would

watch because REAL PEOPLE DON'T DO THESE THINGS!

Lynnette

>

> So... from reading posts lately, I see some really strange (yet oddly funny)

> things that nadas & fadas have said/done. So I thought I'd start a thread

> (maybe we had a similar one before, if so, sorry! I honestly can't

> remember). One nada bailed on her plastic surgery bill, and I read another

> demanding her child's legs?!! Omg, how bizzare!

>

> My nada didn't really ever do anything super strange, but she would say kind

> of strange things. Here are a couple of short examples.

>

> Nada was a Christian when she felt like being one and I don't recall ever

> going to church with her aside from weddings or funerals. After I graduated

> high school, I started reading books on other religions out of curriosity.

> She found them in my room and threw a fit because I told her I didn't know

> if I was Christian or not. Years prior she had said, " I dread the day YOU

> become a mother " .... well, after sharing my thoughts on religion, she looked

> at me and said, " Well what if *I* want to take MY grandkids to church! " I

> said, " Go for it, I want them to make up their own minds "

>

> Another one that's kinda funny to me is when I wanted to take Astronomy as

> an elective in college. She looked at me with this snarky look and

> scoffed... " What? You wana learn how to tell people's fortunes? Horoscopes? "

> I almost died because she was SO serious and I remember trying not to laugh

> that she was confusing Astronomy with Astrology. Oy!

>

> In some ways I almost wish my nada had said & done more odd things like the

> plastic surgery story (as long as it did not involve me) because then I'd

> have more to look back & laugh at while I recover from her!

>

> Anyway, anyone else have any short little stories & oddities that their

> nadas or fadas did? This could be amusing.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada announced at the dinner table (in front of my grandparents, step-fada,

little sister & brother) that I had emotional problems because I tried ecstasy

in college. I was mortified. When I approached her about it later, she told me

it was a joke. FUNNY!!!

Lesson learned: even when Nada seems normal, do NOT confide in her.

>

> So... from reading posts lately, I see some really strange (yet oddly funny)

> things that nadas & fadas have said/done. So I thought I'd start a thread

> (maybe we had a similar one before, if so, sorry! I honestly can't

> remember). One nada bailed on her plastic surgery bill, and I read another

> demanding her child's legs?!! Omg, how bizzare!

>

> My nada didn't really ever do anything super strange, but she would say kind

> of strange things. Here are a couple of short examples.

>

> Nada was a Christian when she felt like being one and I don't recall ever

> going to church with her aside from weddings or funerals. After I graduated

> high school, I started reading books on other religions out of curriosity.

> She found them in my room and threw a fit because I told her I didn't know

> if I was Christian or not. Years prior she had said, " I dread the day YOU

> become a mother " .... well, after sharing my thoughts on religion, she looked

> at me and said, " Well what if *I* want to take MY grandkids to church! " I

> said, " Go for it, I want them to make up their own minds "

>

> Another one that's kinda funny to me is when I wanted to take Astronomy as

> an elective in college. She looked at me with this snarky look and

> scoffed... " What? You wana learn how to tell people's fortunes? Horoscopes? "

> I almost died because she was SO serious and I remember trying not to laugh

> that she was confusing Astronomy with Astrology. Oy!

>

> In some ways I almost wish my nada had said & done more odd things like the

> plastic surgery story (as long as it did not involve me) because then I'd

> have more to look back & laugh at while I recover from her!

>

> Anyway, anyone else have any short little stories & oddities that their

> nadas or fadas did? This could be amusing.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

When I was just ending junior high schooll, at the dinner table during a dinner

party, my nada started telling everyone how well developed I was in terms of my

boobs. I couldn't believe it and i was mortified. I didn't even know the

guests (her friends) very well. I could go on and on.........

Annie

> >

> > So... from reading posts lately, I see some really strange (yet oddly funny)

> > things that nadas & fadas have said/done. So I thought I'd start a thread

> > (maybe we had a similar one before, if so, sorry! I honestly can't

> > remember). One nada bailed on her plastic surgery bill, and I read another

> > demanding her child's legs?!! Omg, how bizzare!

> >

> > My nada didn't really ever do anything super strange, but she would say kind

> > of strange things. Here are a couple of short examples.

> >

> > Nada was a Christian when she felt like being one and I don't recall ever

> > going to church with her aside from weddings or funerals. After I graduated

> > high school, I started reading books on other religions out of curriosity.

> > She found them in my room and threw a fit because I told her I didn't know

> > if I was Christian or not. Years prior she had said, " I dread the day YOU

> > become a mother " .... well, after sharing my thoughts on religion, she looked

> > at me and said, " Well what if *I* want to take MY grandkids to church! " I

> > said, " Go for it, I want them to make up their own minds "

> >

> > Another one that's kinda funny to me is when I wanted to take Astronomy as

> > an elective in college. She looked at me with this snarky look and

> > scoffed... " What? You wana learn how to tell people's fortunes? Horoscopes? "

> > I almost died because she was SO serious and I remember trying not to laugh

> > that she was confusing Astronomy with Astrology. Oy!

> >

> > In some ways I almost wish my nada had said & done more odd things like the

> > plastic surgery story (as long as it did not involve me) because then I'd

> > have more to look back & laugh at while I recover from her!

> >

> > Anyway, anyone else have any short little stories & oddities that their

> > nadas or fadas did? This could be amusing.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

(((((Judy)))))

I don't blame you, how horrible and traumatizing to be struck hard in the face

for getting some information wrong about a long-dead relative, for crying out

loud. Jeez, Louise! I wouldn't want to spend any time with such cruel and

violent people, either. No wonder you were clinically depressed, you poor kid.

Their behavior is both extremely odd and extremely unloving.

-Annie

> > >

> > > When I was 28, living in San Francisco, I was in tour in Los Angeles,

> > where

> > > my parents lived. I had a week off, and I hadn't seen my parents for

> > several

> > > years, so I went home to visit and stay a few days until I had to go back

> > to

> > > San Francisco.

> > > At the time, I wasn't shaving my legs or pits. Hairiness was the style

> > among

> > > my female friends in San Francisco

> > > So I walk into the living room and my parents see the hair on my legs

> > > (which, by the way, was neither particularly thick nor dark) and start

> > > screaming at me about it. My father actually started CRYING. My mother

> > goes

> > > on and on about how NICE PEOPLE shave their legs and armpits, and BAD

> > PEOPLE

> > > don't. I logically pointed out that even NICE men didn't shave, and MEN

> > are

> > > people. So my mother screams at the top of her lungs, " IF A MAN IS NICE,

> > HE

> > > SHAVES HIS LEGS AND ARMPITS!) (guess that means my father - still crying

> > -

> > > wasn't nice). Then my father sobs, " What is the PURPOSE of that hair

> > > anyway? It has no PURPOSE! " And I started in on this whole thing about

> > the

> > > purposes of body hair, being all scientific about it, and when I got to

> > the

> > > part about body hair holding pheromones and playing an important part in

> > the

> > > mating process, my father yells, " FISH MATE, AND THEY DON'T HAVE HAIR! "

> > > At that point, I could say no more.

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Y'know, occasionally on this board someone will suggest meeting nadas and/or

fadas at restaurants where they'll be on their best behavior, but some of my

most embarassing moments have been in restaurants with my parents.

One time, when I was in college and had gone home to visit nada and we went to

breakfast with my brother, she announced very loudly in a full Village Inn that

she'd heard from one of her friends that I'd been sleeping with my best friend

who is female, and so am I. Now, I have many gay friends and I love them dearly

and I'm essentially straight, but to announce such a thing in a Village Inn in

the morning, in the midwest in the early 1990s was, well, unusual. I remember at

the time being both floored and embarrassed, not because of the lesbian charge,

but just because you don't announce such a thing so loudly in a public place.

There has been more than one time that nada has flirted very openly and

embarassingly with cute male waiters in their 20s when she was in her 60s (and

overweight and just not in good shape), telling me when he'd walk away, " I wish

I could get in his pants! "

Then there was the time that she berated our female server for not bringing her

something that *she never even ordered*. It didn't matter that both my brother

and I were there the whole time, and we'd heard her NOT order the thing, she

insisted she had and gave this poor girl hell. (My mother is almost never kind

to female wait staff.) My brother and I made sure to tip her well.

Then there's fada, who nearly always reeks of BO because he's too cheap to

shower every day. (Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's what I said.) I always

prefer it when we go to a Mexican restaurant or a pizza place, because those

smells usually mask the BO to some extent.

Ass holes.

[Guest guest]

There are sooooooo many stories I could tell about nada and her odd things that

she has said, it is unreal.

One goodie was how she would tell me that NO man would EVER want me except for

her $. She actually thinks I'm stupid enough to tell a man she has $! Nice to

trash your daughter like that, isn't it?!

Another goodie was when she was walking around CVS Pharmacy with my friend

Reggie from here. They had Halloween witches hats and other costuming 1/2 price

and we had gone down to see her. She asked us if we would take her to the

pharmacy. She was standing in line and grabbed the witches hat and said very

loudly, " that hat looks like a condo " . There was a LONG line of people on

either side of her and some walking behind her and they all stared at her. My

friend was just as bad to encourage her and said, " you mean CONDOM " - she said

'yes condo'. Then nada proceeded to go into her private sex life story in

public in front of everyone very loudly saying, " my husband Eddie couldn't - you

know - do it - you know - he was important the last three years of his life'.

She said, " you mean IMPOTENT' - she said 'yes Important'. The she went on, " He

couldn't screw me but I didn't care. You get over 40 and you don't care about

that, do you Reggie?' I thought oh brother! I wanted to crawl some place.

Another goodie has to do with nada YEARS ago when I was 19 going for my first

job after two years in business college. I had failed to get two jobs because I

'lacked experience'. I had business college behind me but no practical

experience. So nada was mad at me and told me, " I will show you how to get a

job! I'll take you to that next interview. " I begged her not to go in with me

but she did. It was a small insurance office. The receptionist asked if she

could help us. I was about to say, " I'm here to see Mr. " but my nada

replied for me, " We're here to see the boss man and he's going to hire my

daughter here. " She gave me a very funny look and gave me the application to

fill out. I did and she went in to tell him 'we' were here to see him. Nada

followed me in and said, " Mr. Boss Man, this is my daughter Marilyn. She's a

good girl. I raised her right. She respects her elders - she won't talk back -

she is a bit fat and a bit inexperienced but she'll work hard for you or you can

call me and I will kick her butt for you. You just tell me. She needs a job

and will work cheap. " I wanted to DIE. He said, " With all due respect, Mrs. H

_ _ _ _ _ _ _, I am here to interview your daughter so I would like her to

answer my questions from now on. " Nada answered, " I am NOT Mrs. H _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_! I divorced THAT bird brain three YEARS ago! I am Mrs. G _ _ _ _ _ _ now!

He was MY boss. I know how to pick 'em, but don't worry. Marilyn doesn't have

HIS brain - she has one like MINE and she's smarter than he is. " I was once

again humiliated and ashamed. He proceeded to ask me a few questions which I

answered. Nada kept quiet but she had already ruined it for me. He said he

needed a secretary with 'far more experience than I had' and 'sorry'. Nada said

on the way out, " you have NO taste if you are not going to hire MY daughter!

She might be a bit plump but she's a good girl. You are a jerk " and we left.

Later she told me that 'enough of looking for secretarial jobs! You think

you're a PRINCESS?! You think you're too GOOD to work in a factory or as a

housecleaner like I did! I've got news for you! You're nothing! You need to

come down off your high horse and I saw a job in a new plastics factory in

Denville. Eddie and I are going to take you there and you WILL take that job if

I have to kill you. " I hated that job. I stood on my feet all day on the

concrete; had to pull out a dozen hot plastic compacts (tops and bottoms) - one

every 3 minutes or the machine would close up with the previous dozen of plastic

compacts in it and it would fudge up the machine which would then need to be

repaired. You couldn't take a break until someone came to relieve you. If you

had to go to the bathroom, you had to tell someone and if there was someone to

take over the machine, fine - you could go but if not, you had to hold it. One

day I got sick and got diarrea. It was VERY embarrassing. If no one came to

take over, you didn't get a break either. It was 115 degrees in there from the

plastic melting machines all around and it was FALL! The cheesecloth gloves

didn't protect your hands and you wound up getting blisters on them and cuts

from having to clean the dozen compacts of the little nubs left when you twisted

them off and put them in cardboard boxes for the next phase which was the

assembly line. It was a horrible job and paid very poorly. The boss was a

skinny hippie who came on to me the first day and told me if I was 'nice to him'

he would take me off the monster machine and put me on the lipstick sample

machine where I could 'sit down' and 'shut it down to take breaks'. Being naive

I had NO idea what he meant. He put me on the lipstick machine as incentive to

be 'nice to him'. It was a lot better job. At lunch time he said, all I had

to do if I wanted to STAY on that job and get a raise in a month was go in his

van and 'smoke some weed or get high on pills with him and do him good and rock

the van' during our lunch half hour. Nada was VERY mad when they picked me up

after work and I told them I was NOT going back there to work. Nada asked why

and I told her. She replied, " He's a MAN and your BOSS! I did MY boss here and

it isn't so bad. You'd get ahead if you gave him what he wanted. I don't know

WHY he would want a fat ass like YOU but it takes all kinds I guess. But screw

him. You can't do better than a boss. You don't have to do no drugs or smoke

pot though. " I was 19 and a virgin who was saving myself for my husband! I

wound up a short while later moving in with friends in Newark and getting a job

for the state far away from nada.

[Guest guest]

Oh. Was that....a joke?

> >

> > So... from reading posts lately, I see some really strange (yet

oddly funny)

> > things that nadas & fadas have said/done. So I thought I'd start a

thread

> > (maybe we had a similar one before, if so, sorry! I honestly can't

> > remember). One nada bailed on her plastic surgery bill, and I read

another

> > demanding her child's legs?!! Omg, how bizzare!

> >

> > My nada didn't really ever do anything super strange, but she would

say kind

> > of strange things. Here are a couple of short examples.

> >

> > Nada was a Christian when she felt like being one and I don't recall

ever

> > going to church with her aside from weddings or funerals. After I

graduated

> > high school, I started reading books on other religions out of

curriosity.

> > She found them in my room and threw a fit because I told her I

didn't know

> > if I was Christian or not. Years prior she had said, " I dread the

day YOU

> > become a mother " .... well, after sharing my thoughts on religion,

she looked

> > at me and said, " Well what if *I* want to take MY grandkids to

church! " I

> > said, " Go for it, I want them to make up their own minds "

> >

> > Another one that's kinda funny to me is when I wanted to take

Astronomy as

> > an elective in college. She looked at me with this snarky look and

> > scoffed... " What? You wana learn how to tell people's fortunes?

Horoscopes? "

> > I almost died because she was SO serious and I remember trying not

to laugh

> > that she was confusing Astronomy with Astrology. Oy!

> >

> > In some ways I almost wish my nada had said & done more odd things

like the

> > plastic surgery story (as long as it did not involve me) because

then I'd

> > have more to look back & laugh at while I recover from her!

> >

> > Anyway, anyone else have any short little stories & oddities that

their

> > nadas or fadas did? This could be amusing.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Isn't it amazing how they could say such horrible things and then later tell

they were 'kidding.' My mother did this constantly. She would say something

hateful and mean and then turn around and tell me to stop being so overly

sensitive and even often claimed I was flat out making up something she did.

That whole denial thing. Or!!! OR!! OMG!! She would do something and then

claim she was 'just trying to help' and out came the victim of me being so mean

and cruel to her because she was ONLY trying to help. Specifically, my husband

told her he knew his father who raised him wasn't his birth father, but had

never confronted his mother with it. (My mother is prob. BPD too, but thats

another story). Anyway, my husband's mother had this 'secret' in the family and

didn't know my husband was told by his own sister that his father was not really

his birth father.

So what does my mother do?

GETS ON THE PHONE AND CALLS HIS MOTHER TO TELL HER.

When I confronted her, she bursts into tears and claims she was trying to help

their relationship. Or not! Whatever!

Re: Odd things Nadas & Fadas said or did

My nada announced at the dinner table (in front of my grandparents, step-fada,

little sister & brother) that I had emotional problems because I tried ecstasy

in college. I was mortified. When I approached her about it later, she told me

it was a joke. FUNNY!!!

Lesson learned: even when Nada seems normal, do NOT confide in her.

>

> So... from reading posts lately, I see some really strange (yet oddly funny)

> things that nadas & fadas have said/done. So I thought I'd start a thread

> (maybe we had a similar one before, if so, sorry! I honestly can't

> remember). One nada bailed on her plastic surgery bill, and I read another

> demanding her child's legs?!! Omg, how bizzare!

>

> My nada didn't really ever do anything super strange, but she would say kind

> of strange things. Here are a couple of short examples.

>

> Nada was a Christian when she felt like being one and I don't recall ever

> going to church with her aside from weddings or funerals. After I graduated

> high school, I started reading books on other religions out of curriosity.

> She found them in my room and threw a fit because I told her I didn't know

> if I was Christian or not. Years prior she had said, " I dread the day YOU

> become a mother " .... well, after sharing my thoughts on religion, she looked

> at me and said, " Well what if *I* want to take MY grandkids to church! " I

> said, " Go for it, I want them to make up their own minds "

>

> Another one that's kinda funny to me is when I wanted to take Astronomy as

> an elective in college. She looked at me with this snarky look and

> scoffed... " What? You wana learn how to tell people's fortunes? Horoscopes? "

> I almost died because she was SO serious and I remember trying not to laugh

> that she was confusing Astronomy with Astrology. Oy!

>

> In some ways I almost wish my nada had said & done more odd things like the

> plastic surgery story (as long as it did not involve me) because then I'd

> have more to look back & laugh at while I recover from her!

>

> Anyway, anyone else have any short little stories & oddities that their

> nadas or fadas did? This could be amusing.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, you guys these are just awful stories! What on earth are these ndadas

& fadas thinking?!!! Oy to the vey.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Dear WalkingTH...

(Depressed today) - Sadly how can I be in your FOO when my FOO has ceased to

exist? There are some living breathing creatures bearing my surname walking

around but they bear no resemblance to a family proper. I would love to have a

proper FOO or create a new one now I am older and know what I would choose!

It is funny that even tho I know you meant that as a shared common

experience...it resonated with me that we all on this board just do not have

family...we are little satellite stations alone by necessity, not choice.

It is especially hard to see the NADA/FADA brigade being completely

unsympathetic in the face of confimed medical diagnosis as that is something

REAL to latch onto. They can't dispute it or argue with the medical facts. They

just don't frigging care at all for the sick person.

I was heartbroken when my dad was in hospital. I am 12,000 miles away - She told

me he lay motionless, speechless, staring at the wall, that he had told her not

to visit as he didn't want visitors. No wonder. Who wants the angel of death

creeping around your bedside when you're doing your darndest to survive!!!!

She told me he didn't want any letters, messages, gifts, anything. None of my

FOO would tell me even what ward he was in let alone the room number. It was

ridiculous. AFter he recovered I gave hime the CDs I had bought to help him get

thru the hospital stay - he loved them - but i hadn't given them at teh time as

she told me that he doest like music and never listens to any (!???).

Lucky for me Dad learnt to text, so we kept in touch that way...but she did not

know we texted so I guess he deliberately didnt tell her.

I am ambivalent about my dad/FADA - he has supported her crazyness most of my

life, now i am wondering how much of it is self=preservation on his part or she

just broke his spirit.

I am hoping he lives longer than NADA so we can see what a relationship is like

without her distorting everything.

Sorry about the rant! I went off-track there!

rebecca

> RGBARGY,

> Are you in my FOO? One of the clues I had when I was unravelling what was

really wrong and I finally realized the reality of BPD, was when fada was sick

and nada ignored him. I cleaned up his vomit, he had vomited on himself in bed.

I came into the kitchen, where she was cooking this large meal, and I said " your

husband is sick. " and she said " oh he does that sometimes " . Without any concern,

and just continued cooking this meal that no one ate.

>

> These BPs have no compassion whatsoever. And fada just goes along with it,

acts as if nothing is wrong. Because then he would have to realize all of his

pain and what a waste his life has been.

>

> I am sorry about my tone, just completely discouraged at the moment, but

doesn't what happened in my FOO seem eerily like what happened in yours?

>

> Walkingto Happiness.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

On the topic of family - I thought for a long time that I had no family too.

Then I went to therapy. My T and I worked on this issue over probably 5 or 6

sessions. She eventually met every member of my real family (there are 5 of

us). She taught me that your family is something you create. She says life

is a garden, and you choose what to plant and what to nurture. I have an

amazing relationship with my boyfriend that is uncommonly close and

supportive (according to my T). I also have 3 dogs. It sounds weird to

someone who isn't an animal lover, but for me, my dogs are the epitomy of

" safe people. " They are my babies, they come when I call, they hug me when I

cry, they always want to do the things I want to do. Just going for a ride

in the car with me is the ultimate excitement for them. My little girl dog

even loves to shop, ha ha, my retail therapist.My little female dog goes to

every therapy session with me - she is seriously like my security blanket. I

take her everywhere I can. I feel so much more comfortable when she or my

boyfriend are with me. Interestingly, my little female dog is the family

member that has changed the most in response to my therapy. Everyone can see

it. She is calm, self assured, confident that I love her, deeply bonded to

me, and willing to try anything. It's been great for her. She also started

sleeping in my arms at night - every night.

My T says that my family is stonger than most peoples. And I made it myself.

So anyway, I just wanted to respond - that yes it hurts to be from a shitty

family of origin. But we can leave that behind and then plant whatever we

want in our gardens.

XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

> Dear WalkingTH...

> (Depressed today) - Sadly how can I be in your FOO when my FOO has ceased

> to exist? There are some living breathing creatures bearing my surname

> walking around but they bear no resemblance to a family proper. I would love

> to have a proper FOO or create a new one now I am older and know what I

> would choose!

>

> It is funny that even tho I know you meant that as a shared common

> experience...it resonated with me that we all on this board just do not have

> family...we are little satellite stations alone by necessity, not choice.

>

> It is especially hard to see the NADA/FADA brigade being completely

> unsympathetic in the face of confimed medical diagnosis as that is something

> REAL to latch onto. They can't dispute it or argue with the medical facts.

> They just don't frigging care at all for the sick person.

>

> I was heartbroken when my dad was in hospital. I am 12,000 miles away - She

> told me he lay motionless, speechless, staring at the wall, that he had told

> her not to visit as he didn't want visitors. No wonder. Who wants the angel

> of death creeping around your bedside when you're doing your darndest to

> survive!!!!

>

> She told me he didn't want any letters, messages, gifts, anything. None of

> my FOO would tell me even what ward he was in let alone the room number. It

> was ridiculous. AFter he recovered I gave hime the CDs I had bought to help

> him get thru the hospital stay - he loved them - but i hadn't given them at

> teh time as she told me that he doest like music and never listens to any

> (!???).

> Lucky for me Dad learnt to text, so we kept in touch that way...but she did

> not know we texted so I guess he deliberately didnt tell her.

>

> I am ambivalent about my dad/FADA - he has supported her crazyness most of

> my life, now i am wondering how much of it is self=preservation on his part

> or she just broke his spirit.

>

> I am hoping he lives longer than NADA so we can see what a relationship is

> like without her distorting everything.

>

> Sorry about the rant! I went off-track there!

> rebecca

>

>

> > RGBARGY,

> > Are you in my FOO? One of the clues I had when I was unravelling what was

> really wrong and I finally realized the reality of BPD, was when fada was

> sick and nada ignored him. I cleaned up his vomit, he had vomited on himself

> in bed. I came into the kitchen, where she was cooking this large meal, and

> I said " your husband is sick. " and she said " oh he does that sometimes " .

> Without any concern, and just continued cooking this meal that no one ate.

> >

> > These BPs have no compassion whatsoever. And fada just goes along with

> it, acts as if nothing is wrong. Because then he would have to realize all

> of his pain and what a waste his life has been.

> >

> > I am sorry about my tone, just completely discouraged at the moment, but

> doesn't what happened in my FOO seem eerily like what happened in yours?

> >

> > Walkingto Happiness.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Girlscout

Thanks! i always like reading your posts - you are resilient and inspiring! i

wonder if I will ever get to that safe calm place.

Today I am just feeling you know...very alone. I made the mistake of taking our

small son to a 'family' restaurant - lots of happy families all able to have a

normal social function. It bothered me that I get upset when I see normal

families together.

So after that I am feeling the aloneness of being forced to make such a hard and

stupid choice which is the NC way.

I have been xtreme LC for 20+ years, it is now heading towards the NC option.

This saddens me -That the choice is between megacrap or nothing!

The garden metaphor is a good one. I just seem to be pulling up weeds and

stopping the FOO from planting more slugs!

It's funny - today my very lovely husband went out and bought some climbing

roses for our front gate. I will hold onto what you said and creatively

visualise those roses spreading sweet blossom over my future.

Yeah Yeah YEah....I'll get a therapist!!!

Thanks

>

> >

> >

> >

> > Dear WalkingTH...

> > (Depressed today) - Sadly how can I be in your FOO when my FOO has ceased

> > to exist? There are some living breathing creatures bearing my surname

> > walking around but they bear no resemblance to a family proper. I would love

> > to have a proper FOO or create a new one now I am older and know what I

> > would choose!

> >

> > It is funny that even tho I know you meant that as a shared common

> > experience...it resonated with me that we all on this board just do not have

> > family...we are little satellite stations alone by necessity, not choice.

> >

> > It is especially hard to see the NADA/FADA brigade being completely

> > unsympathetic in the face of confimed medical diagnosis as that is something

> > REAL to latch onto. They can't dispute it or argue with the medical facts.

> > They just don't frigging care at all for the sick person.

> >

> > I was heartbroken when my dad was in hospital. I am 12,000 miles away - She

> > told me he lay motionless, speechless, staring at the wall, that he had told

> > her not to visit as he didn't want visitors. No wonder. Who wants the angel

> > of death creeping around your bedside when you're doing your darndest to

> > survive!!!!

> >

> > She told me he didn't want any letters, messages, gifts, anything. None of

> > my FOO would tell me even what ward he was in let alone the room number. It

> > was ridiculous. AFter he recovered I gave hime the CDs I had bought to help

> > him get thru the hospital stay - he loved them - but i hadn't given them at

> > teh time as she told me that he doest like music and never listens to any

> > (!???).

> > Lucky for me Dad learnt to text, so we kept in touch that way...but she did

> > not know we texted so I guess he deliberately didnt tell her.

> >

> > I am ambivalent about my dad/FADA - he has supported her crazyness most of

> > my life, now i am wondering how much of it is self=preservation on his part

> > or she just broke his spirit.

> >

> > I am hoping he lives longer than NADA so we can see what a relationship is

> > like without her distorting everything.

> >

> > Sorry about the rant! I went off-track there!

> > rebecca

> >

> >

> > > RGBARGY,

> > > Are you in my FOO? One of the clues I had when I was unravelling what was

> > really wrong and I finally realized the reality of BPD, was when fada was

> > sick and nada ignored him. I cleaned up his vomit, he had vomited on himself

> > in bed. I came into the kitchen, where she was cooking this large meal, and

> > I said " your husband is sick. " and she said " oh he does that sometimes " .

> > Without any concern, and just continued cooking this meal that no one ate.

> > >

> > > These BPs have no compassion whatsoever. And fada just goes along with

> > it, acts as if nothing is wrong. Because then he would have to realize all

> > of his pain and what a waste his life has been.

> > >

> > > I am sorry about my tone, just completely discouraged at the moment, but

> > doesn't what happened in my FOO seem eerily like what happened in yours?

> > >

> > > Walkingto Happiness.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh thank you for the compliment. I don't feel resilient, but I'm becoming

more so every day.

I LOVE the roses metaphor. It will be so cool to watch them grow. I've been

working on the " safe " people issue for months now - whoa its been a huge

one. I now see every person I meet as either good for me or bad for me - and

I see how they were hurt as kids and how it has changed them.

I also read just the other day about a intimacy map deal. You draw circles

of who you will allow close to you, how close they can get based on levels

like intimate partner, close friend, friend, acquaintance and stranger.

Seemed like a powerful exercise for a KO!

>

>

> Dear Girlscout

> Thanks! i always like reading your posts - you are resilient and inspiring!

> i wonder if I will ever get to that safe calm place.

> Today I am just feeling you know...very alone. I made the mistake of taking

> our small son to a 'family' restaurant - lots of happy families all able to

> have a normal social function. It bothered me that I get upset when I see

> normal families together.

>

> So after that I am feeling the aloneness of being forced to make such a

> hard and stupid choice which is the NC way.

> I have been xtreme LC for 20+ years, it is now heading towards the NC

> option. This saddens me -That the choice is between megacrap or nothing!

>

> The garden metaphor is a good one. I just seem to be pulling up weeds and

> stopping the FOO from planting more slugs!

>

> It's funny - today my very lovely husband went out and bought some climbing

> roses for our front gate. I will hold onto what you said and creatively

> visualise those roses spreading sweet blossom over my future.

>

> Yeah Yeah YEah....I'll get a therapist!!!

> Thanks

>

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Dear WalkingTH...

> > > (Depressed today) - Sadly how can I be in your FOO when my FOO has

> ceased

> > > to exist? There are some living breathing creatures bearing my surname

> > > walking around but they bear no resemblance to a family proper. I would

> love

> > > to have a proper FOO or create a new one now I am older and know what I

> > > would choose!

> > >

> > > It is funny that even tho I know you meant that as a shared common

> > > experience...it resonated with me that we all on this board just do not

> have

> > > family...we are little satellite stations alone by necessity, not

> choice.

> > >

> > > It is especially hard to see the NADA/FADA brigade being completely

> > > unsympathetic in the face of confimed medical diagnosis as that is

> something

> > > REAL to latch onto. They can't dispute it or argue with the medical

> facts.

> > > They just don't frigging care at all for the sick person.

> > >

> > > I was heartbroken when my dad was in hospital. I am 12,000 miles away -

> She

> > > told me he lay motionless, speechless, staring at the wall, that he had

> told

> > > her not to visit as he didn't want visitors. No wonder. Who wants the

> angel

> > > of death creeping around your bedside when you're doing your darndest

> to

> > > survive!!!!

> > >

> > > She told me he didn't want any letters, messages, gifts, anything. None

> of

> > > my FOO would tell me even what ward he was in let alone the room

> number. It

> > > was ridiculous. AFter he recovered I gave hime the CDs I had bought to

> help

> > > him get thru the hospital stay - he loved them - but i hadn't given

> them at

> > > teh time as she told me that he doest like music and never listens to

> any

> > > (!???).

> > > Lucky for me Dad learnt to text, so we kept in touch that way...but she

> did

> > > not know we texted so I guess he deliberately didnt tell her.

> > >

> > > I am ambivalent about my dad/FADA - he has supported her crazyness most

> of

> > > my life, now i am wondering how much of it is self=preservation on his

> part

> > > or she just broke his spirit.

> > >

> > > I am hoping he lives longer than NADA so we can see what a relationship

> is

> > > like without her distorting everything.

> > >

> > > Sorry about the rant! I went off-track there!

> > > rebecca

> > >

> > >

> > > > RGBARGY,

> > > > Are you in my FOO? One of the clues I had when I was unravelling what

> was

> > > really wrong and I finally realized the reality of BPD, was when fada

> was

> > > sick and nada ignored him. I cleaned up his vomit, he had vomited on

> himself

> > > in bed. I came into the kitchen, where she was cooking this large meal,

> and

> > > I said " your husband is sick. " and she said " oh he does that

> sometimes " .

> > > Without any concern, and just continued cooking this meal that no one

> ate.

> > > >

> > > > These BPs have no compassion whatsoever. And fada just goes along

> with

> > > it, acts as if nothing is wrong. Because then he would have to realize

> all

> > > of his pain and what a waste his life has been.

> > > >

> > > > I am sorry about my tone, just completely discouraged at the moment,

> but

> > > doesn't what happened in my FOO seem eerily like what happened in

> yours?

> > > >

> > > > Walkingto Happiness.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >