I was only joking!

[Guest guest]

I have noticed a recurrant theme in recent posts that I thought worth it

s own thread.

Many of us report having experienced nada s technique of saying

thoughtless or cruel things to us, and then rationalizing or minimizing

it afterwards. 2 of the more common ways they do this are making it

seem a joke, or making it seem a failing in us if we don t accept it.

The humor approach seems to come when they are hurling direct barbs at

the KO and we respond like a normal human being. Ouch. That hurt. Why

do you do that to me?

Then we get the breezy, Oh lighten up, it was just a joke.

This is nonsense. People sometimes us cruel humor as a defense or as a

way of attacking without seeming to do so. In the case of nada s, they

do this over and over, even after being told, begged, pleaded with, not

to go there any more becasue it really hurts.

The other approach, that it is a failing in us seems to be used more for

inappropriate comments or statements, usually of a sexual nature. If

we get uncomfortable or resentful at being told graphic intimate

details, or having them comment or discuss things about our sexuality

that are totally inappropriate, then we are treated to some form of "

Well I thought you were mature enought to handle this. " or, " I just

thought you ought to know this about your Mother. "

Again, nonsense. I m fully mature enought to explore, discuss, or

engage in sexual talk, or sexuality, or sexual humor, teasing or

flirting. It is at times a very enjoyable part of life and my makeup.

I m a straight man, and flirting with women is one of my favorite things

to do. You members of the softer sex and a lot of fun, even if you are

totally indecipherable.

But I do not want to engage in that part of my life and make up with my

mother. Period. Nor do I want to hear the details of that part of her

life.

I finally had to set a boundary on it. She would blurt things out, and

when I objected, fall back to Well I just thought you ought to know. No

matter that I would say , each time, No, you are wrong. I do not need

to know. I do knot want to know. I DO know because you have assaulted

me with the information over and over, but I don t want to hear it from

your mouth again. Please stop.

What I finally did was set a boundary. If she was being mean, I would

warn one time, then leave or hang up. It is Not a joke, and changing

your tune later won t make it a joke. If it were a joke, it is a joke at

my expense, and I m not going to endure it again.

If it were sexually inappropriate talk, I would interupt, loudly,

intrusively, and warn her one time to stop it at once. If she pressed

on, I would leave or hang up, and enforce a few days of NC.

She never learned.

Doug