What should I do with my Mothers Birthday coming up? Please help

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother for

about a year and 2 month.

It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I had to

go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing various

things to me.

During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't show up

to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older brother,

called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks. And my

Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and asking

to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

At the beginning:

After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are all

aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any celebrations for

her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed to persuade her

to have a family gathering to mark the event after all.

[Details about the event and asking to confirm]

At the end of the email:

Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this, knowing that

you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that a

celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very special

birthday gift to Mom indeed.

Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to read

what he wrote to me.

Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the event.

I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

(explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

or something of the sort?

Or should I do nothing at all?

My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to the

event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

What should I do???

Thanks plenty,

Jack

[Guest guest]

Jack,

My first thought, reading your story, is that it sounds a LOT like my dad's

guilt trips. He's trying to manipulate you through guilt trips by setting up

an impossible scenario that, if you don't go to your mother's birthday

party, you'll be such a bad child, horrible person, yadda yadda.

(man, that sounds a lot like my dad!)

I see two things you could do. 1, you could just ignore it and maintain NC,

because, after all, you're NC already. It won't actually change anything if

you stay NC.

2, you could send a very brief email as a Reply All email and say, " Hi all,

I'm sorry, I already made plans and can't go. Happy Birthday, Mom.

Sincerely, Jack. "

That second possibility could cause some backlash on part of your dad, as

well, because he's probably expecting that everyone must drop their plans,

no matter how important, and go with his way of doing things. (if he's

anything like my dad, that is.)

I'm sorry your dad put you in such an impossible position!

Holly

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother

> for about a year and 2 month.

> It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I

> had to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing

> various things to me.

>

> During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't show

> up to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older

> brother, called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

>

> Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks. And

> my Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

> asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

>

> At the beginning:

> After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are

> all aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any

> celebrations for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have

> managed to persuade her to have a family gathering to mark the event after

> all.

>

> [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

>

> At the end of the email:

> Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this, knowing

> that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that a

> celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

> obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very

> special birthday gift to Mom indeed.

>

> Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to

> read what he wrote to me.

>

> Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

> event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

> (explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> or something of the sort?

> Or should I do nothing at all?

> My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to

> the event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

>

> What should I do???

>

> Thanks plenty,

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is a classic hoover maneuver - they are trying to pull you back in to

the dysfunctional family pattern. How dare you break ranks and save

yourself? Don't fall for it!

My T puts it this way - " families are like a bucket of crawdads. A group of

them can be lying in a bucket, suffering and dying. If one starts to climb

out, and make its way over the side to freedom, the other crawdads ALWAYS

reach out and drag the smart one back in so that it can die along side

them. "

Crawdads are shitty, huh. What I personally have done to deal with this type

of stuff, is I just stopped opening e-mails from them. And I NEVER listen to

voice mails. A lot of folks change their e-mail addresses or block e-mails.

You can also change your phone number if you need to. I haven't done that

personally - my family isn't that persistant (which actually kind of hurts).

If I do get an e-mail or voice mail that I think might have info I need to

know, I have my boyfriend read it and just deliver the facts to me. That's

how I found out my grandmother died. I didn't go to the funeral though,

because the thought of being in such close proximity to my nada, bada and

all of their flying monkeys makes me vomit.

Good luck. I'd just delete it and forget about it, though I know how things

like that can really set you off. The reality is, they want you to think you

are breaking your mom's heart - but they made their choices, you escaped,

and now they are just trying to drag you back into the bucket to die in

misery surrounded by a bunch of hateful crawdads. Fly free!

On Sun, Feb 27, 2011 at 6:05 AM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> Jack,

>

> My first thought, reading your story, is that it sounds a LOT like my dad's

> guilt trips. He's trying to manipulate you through guilt trips by setting

> up

> an impossible scenario that, if you don't go to your mother's birthday

> party, you'll be such a bad child, horrible person, yadda yadda.

>

> (man, that sounds a lot like my dad!)

>

> I see two things you could do. 1, you could just ignore it and maintain NC,

> because, after all, you're NC already. It won't actually change anything if

> you stay NC.

>

> 2, you could send a very brief email as a Reply All email and say, " Hi all,

> I'm sorry, I already made plans and can't go. Happy Birthday, Mom.

> Sincerely, Jack. "

>

> That second possibility could cause some backlash on part of your dad, as

> well, because he's probably expecting that everyone must drop their plans,

> no matter how important, and go with his way of doing things. (if he's

> anything like my dad, that is.)

>

> I'm sorry your dad put you in such an impossible position!

> Holly

>

> On Sun, Feb 27, 2011 at 4:02 AM, jackcanbera

> wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother

> > for about a year and 2 month.

> > It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I

> > had to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also

> doing

> > various things to me.

> >

> > During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't

> show

> > up to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older

> > brother, called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

> >

> > Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks.

> And

> > my Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> > So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

> > asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

> >

> > At the beginning:

> > After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we

> are

> > all aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any

> > celebrations for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have

> > managed to persuade her to have a family gathering to mark the event

> after

> > all.

> >

> > [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

> >

> > At the end of the email:

> > Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this,

> knowing

> > that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that

> a

> > celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present,

> will

> > obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very

> > special birthday gift to Mom indeed.

> >

> > Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to

> > read what he wrote to me.

> >

> > Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

> > event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> > On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

> > (explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> > or something of the sort?

> > Or should I do nothing at all?

> > My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to

> > the event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

> >

> > What should I do???

> >

> > Thanks plenty,

> > Jack

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Jack,

This was my favorite part: " After Mom had reached a decision that due to the

circumstances that we are all aware of, that she did not want to have any

celebrations for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed

to persuade her to have a family gathering to mark the event after all. "

I'm sure it was INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT for him to convince her. Probably had to

practically twist her arm, right?

I agree with Girlscout Cowboy that this is a classic hoover maneuver. I too,

went through a period when I felt physically ill at the idea of visiting my BPD

(my mother). If this is how you feel, you have every right to stay away and not

feel guilty about it. Maybe you can just tell them you haven't been well? It's

the truth! Perhaps you can also make plans for the day of the party so that you

can be occupied with something else instead of dreading a phone call or

wondering what they're all doing.

--Jgar

[Guest guest]

I agree with all of the other posts. Jack, only you know what is best in

this situation, but you do need to protect yourself & your sanity!

Good luck, Jack.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Jack, can you send her a birthday card? That would be so much easier than being

at the family gathering. That way, you at least acknowledged her birthday.

Birthdays with BPD'ers are tough. It's hard to even choose a card, isn't it?

Just get her a humorous one.You dad violated you again by sending the email to

all of your siblings. That should have been private. So much for good taste,

right?

Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother for

about a year and 2 month.

> It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I had

to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing various

things to me.

>

> During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't show up

to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older brother,

called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

>

> Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks. And my

Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

>

> At the beginning:

> After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are all

aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any celebrations for

her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed to persuade her

to have a family gathering to mark the event after all.

>

> [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

>

> At the end of the email:

> Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this, knowing

that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that a

celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very special

birthday gift to Mom indeed.

>

>

> Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to read

what he wrote to me.

>

>

> Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

(explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> or something of the sort?

> Or should I do nothing at all?

> My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to the

event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

>

> What should I do???

>

> Thanks plenty,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

I personally would not go. I have learned that if something is hurtful to

me that I do better to stay away. Of course, I do not know you personally

and you may be far more equipped than I to handle such a situation. Only

you can decide what works for you

BB

[Guest guest]

Hi Jack, oh I had a chuckle and a shake of the head when I read your post.

Please know my sympathies are with you. Everybody on this board has experienced

the emotional coercion you are currently going through, at some time or another.

fada sounds like a real piece of work! It's the typical, " poor me, " " blame it on

the kids and take absolutely no responsibility for anything " BP/NPD song and

dance. Break out the violins!

If I stood in your shoes, I would have a good belly laugh at this latest

manipulation, I would throw the invitation in the trash and get on with my life.

I know that you are probably feeling too much pain to feel much like laughing,

but the sooner you can get there, the more joy you will find in life, and the

more interests and fulfillments outside the KO-disordered family.

Best regards,

AFB

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother

for about a year and 2 month.

> > It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I

had to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing

various things to me.

> >

> > During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't show

up to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older brother,

called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

> >

> > Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks. And

my Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> > So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

> >

> > At the beginning:

> > After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are

all aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any celebrations

for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed to persuade

her to have a family gathering to mark the event after all.

> >

> > [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

> >

> > At the end of the email:

> > Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this, knowing

that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that a

celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very special

birthday gift to Mom indeed.

> >

> >

> > Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to read

what he wrote to me.

> >

> >

> > Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> > On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

(explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> > or something of the sort?

> > Or should I do nothing at all?

> > My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to

the event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

> >

> > What should I do???

> >

> > Thanks plenty,

> > Jack

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jack,

I've been in similar situations with my parents. As a child of BPD parents, we

are taught to ignore our needs, let alone our wants. I think the best thing you

can do is think about what you would like to do and act on that. If the thought

of attending this party makes you anxious, angry, etc., then don't go. No matter

how they respond, they will be fine. Your mother and father are much stronger

and capable than they want you to know.

Whatever ends up happening, you will come out on top because, unlike them, you

are taking the time to process this situation, weigh the pros and cons, and are

thinking carefully about it. You are dealing with it. They are simply reacting

and choosing to not work through their issues.

I agree with AFB, when we are able to not let them pull us in emotionally, we

can move on with our lives. This is a difficult place to get to for me and I'm

sure others, but we will get there! Best of luck. Follow your gut and you will

be great!

-T

>

> Hi Jack, oh I had a chuckle and a shake of the head when I read your post.

Please know my sympathies are with you. Everybody on this board has experienced

the emotional coercion you are currently going through, at some time or another.

fada sounds like a real piece of work! It's the typical, " poor me, " " blame it on

the kids and take absolutely no responsibility for anything " BP/NPD song and

dance. Break out the violins!

>

> If I stood in your shoes, I would have a good belly laugh at this latest

manipulation, I would throw the invitation in the trash and get on with my life.

I know that you are probably feeling too much pain to feel much like laughing,

but the sooner you can get there, the more joy you will find in life, and the

more interests and fulfillments outside the KO-disordered family.

> Best regards,

> AFB

>

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother

for about a year and 2 month.

> > > It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I

had to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing

various things to me.

> > >

> > > During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't

show up to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older

brother, called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

> > >

> > > Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks.

And my Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> > > So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

> > >

> > > At the beginning:

> > > After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are

all aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any celebrations

for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed to persuade

her to have a family gathering to mark the event after all.

> > >

> > > [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

> > >

> > > At the end of the email:

> > > Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this,

knowing that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that

a celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very special

birthday gift to Mom indeed.

> > >

> > >

> > > Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to

read what he wrote to me.

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> > > On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

(explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> > > or something of the sort?

> > > Or should I do nothing at all?

> > > My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to

the event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

> > >

> > > What should I do???

> > >

> > > Thanks plenty,

> > > Jack

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey everyone!!!

Thanks a lot for your replies!

You really helped me a lot!

I feel much better now!

This is true therapy....

Annie, I think I'll do what you suggested - I think I'll just send some e-card

the day before or something like that.

Thanks again everyone who replied, you really helped me, it's good to know

you're all here.

Best and hugs,

Jack

>

> Hi Jack, oh I had a chuckle and a shake of the head when I read your post.

Please know my sympathies are with you. Everybody on this board has experienced

the emotional coercion you are currently going through, at some time or another.

fada sounds like a real piece of work! It's the typical, " poor me, " " blame it on

the kids and take absolutely no responsibility for anything " BP/NPD song and

dance. Break out the violins!

>

> If I stood in your shoes, I would have a good belly laugh at this latest

manipulation, I would throw the invitation in the trash and get on with my life.

I know that you are probably feeling too much pain to feel much like laughing,

but the sooner you can get there, the more joy you will find in life, and the

more interests and fulfillments outside the KO-disordered family.

> Best regards,

> AFB

>

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I'm NC with my Father for about a year and 7 month now and with my mother

for about a year and 2 month.

> > > It started with me going NC with my father, he's meaner, but eventually I

had to go NC with my mother too after she was supporting him and also doing

various things to me.

> > >

> > > During this NC period, my Father had his 50th birthday, which I didn't

show up to, and I don't remember which member of my family, maybe my older

brother, called me to tell me how much it wasn't good for him etc. etc.

> > >

> > > Anyway, now my Mothers 50th birthday is coming up, it's in a few weeks.

And my Father wants to do it at a restaurant.

> > > So, he sent an email to all of the siblings writing about the event, and

asking to confirm the day and date, look what he wrote at the email:

> > >

> > > At the beginning:

> > > After Mom had reached a decision that due to the circumstances that we are

all aware of [me being NC...], that she did not want to have any celebrations

for her birthday, I am pleased to tell you all that I have managed to persuade

her to have a family gathering to mark the event after all.

> > >

> > > [Details about the event and asking to confirm]

> > >

> > > At the end of the email:

> > > Jack, even though Mom has reluctantly agreed to go ahead with this,

knowing that you have not agreed to participate, I hope it is clear to you, that

a celebration of this nature, without every one of Moms children present, will

obviously be mixed with deep sadness; while your presence will be a very special

birthday gift to Mom indeed.

> > >

> > >

> > > Now, the same email was sent to all of my siblings, and they all had to

read what he wrote to me.

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyway, now I feel very unsure, I'm for sure not going physically to the

event. I get anxieties only *thinking* about being near my Father.

> > > On the other hand, I don't know, maybe I should write my Mother an Email

(explaining things and wishing her a happy birthday) or call her

> > > or something of the sort?

> > > Or should I do nothing at all?

> > > My Father made me feel like I'm this terrible person if I won't arrive to

the event, and like I'll ruin the whole 50th Mothers birthday....

> > >

> > > What should I do???

> > >

> > > Thanks plenty,

> > > Jack

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tessa, your thoughtful post inspired me and I wanted to reflect a moment on

comments you made. You importantly point out that Jack is the one truly

responding to this situation responsibly and with care and concern. Jack, you

know nada and fada are a danger to your own health and peace of mind. If they

were people you didn't care about, you'd be gone in a cloud of dust to never

return. But because you do care, you're putting lots of time and personal energy

into trying to evaluate this situation and " do the right thing. " nada and fada

are deny, deny, deny, turn away, blame it on the wayward kid. Who is the adult

here, and who is acting like an ornery teenager? Who is thinking about others

and who is so selfishly me-centered that they can't see past their own nose?

KOs can turn themselves into pretzels, self-sacrifice, even destroy their own

lives and it does not change anything. Mentally disordered parents must be

removed from the pedestal reserved for them by nature, and placed at a distance

where their screaming, ranting and childish demands are safely diminished.

Send a nice card, text message whatever, but don't go to the party and don't

violate your hard-won boundaries. The only person you can help is yourself, and

that's the only person you will hurt, as well. The rest is just smoke and sound

effects from hopelessly disordered people who bear the title Mother and Father

but in reality are just plain old nada and fada.

My best,

AFB

>

>

> Hi Jack,

>

> I've been in similar situations with my parents. As a child of BPD parents, we

are taught to ignore our needs, let alone our wants. I think the best thing you

can do is think about what you would like to do and act on that. If the thought

of attending this party makes you anxious, angry, etc., then don't go. No matter

how they respond, they will be fine. Your mother and father are much stronger

and capable than they want you to know.

>

> Whatever ends up happening, you will come out on top because, unlike them, you

are taking the time to process this situation, weigh the pros and cons, and are

thinking carefully about it. You are dealing with it. They are simply reacting

and choosing to not work through their issues.

>

> I agree with AFB, when we are able to not let them pull us in emotionally, we

can move on with our lives. This is a difficult place to get to for me and I'm

sure others, but we will get there! Best of luck. Follow your gut and you will

be great!

>

> -T

[Guest guest]

Thanks a lot for your last replies Tessa and AFB!

AFB - reading what you wrote, I remembered, when I just started NC with my

Father, I recommended a therapist I believe in to my parents.

I thought (naively...), that they'll go to a ***long term series*** of sessions,

and maybe that'll help.

ANYWAY, they went to only one appointment. And after, in different means, I was

able to more or less know what happened at that appointment...

And what happened was.... They were talking about *me*, about that *I* have

problems, that maybe *I* have a mental sickness and the sort.....

I don't know if that was the only thing they talked about, but it was a main

part of the appointment...

G wiz...

Jack

> >

> >

> > Hi Jack,

> >

> > I've been in similar situations with my parents. As a child of BPD parents,

we are taught to ignore our needs, let alone our wants. I think the best thing

you can do is think about what you would like to do and act on that. If the

thought of attending this party makes you anxious, angry, etc., then don't go.

No matter how they respond, they will be fine. Your mother and father are much

stronger and capable than they want you to know.

> >

> > Whatever ends up happening, you will come out on top because, unlike them,

you are taking the time to process this situation, weigh the pros and cons, and

are thinking carefully about it. You are dealing with it. They are simply

reacting and choosing to not work through their issues.

> >

> > I agree with AFB, when we are able to not let them pull us in emotionally,

we can move on with our lives. This is a difficult place to get to for me and

I'm sure others, but we will get there! Best of luck. Follow your gut and you

will be great!

> >

> > -T

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jack! Ah yes, the " family therapy " kabuki dance, where PD parents think

they're going to play the " blame " game, using the therapist as a tool, and end

up quitting because they can't stand the honesty. I've been there too.

Right now I'm reading a book that was recommended on this board. It's called

" The Family Crucible, The Intense Experience of Family Therapy. " I had seen

someone mention it and googled it, and went to Amazon and read a free excerpt of

a chapter. I was really captivated by what I read and ordered it used for two

bucks plus 3.99 shipping. A total deal. It came yesterday and I'm reading it

today. In the book, two capable therapists take on a family--mom,dad, three

kids. On the surface it looks like the mom and daughter are at war. What comes

out is that the mom and kid are fighting because the marriage is too fragile to

withstand any disagreement or fighting. So the kid sacrifices herself to keep

the parents together.

It might ring a bell with you. It's certainly ringing mine. Ringy dingy. fada

and nada couldn't stand any scrutiny of their habits and lifestyle, so I was a

sacrificial lamb that went away to save their marriage. I'm just putting the

puzzle pieces together, but it seems to be the case. Me going NC never bothered

fada. He knew I had to go or his secret cheating would be out in the open, even

though we all knew about it. It was easy to blame my NC as the only problem in

the family.

You are so lucky, Jack, to be dealing with all this at a young age. How I wish I

had these resources 20, 30 years earlier. Make the most of it, my friend, and

grab all the mental health and normalcy for yourself that you can get.

Blessings,

AFB

>

> Thanks a lot for your last replies Tessa and AFB!

>

> AFB - reading what you wrote, I remembered, when I just started NC with my

Father, I recommended a therapist I believe in to my parents.

> I thought (naively...), that they'll go to a ***long term series*** of

sessions, and maybe that'll help.

>

> ANYWAY, they went to only one appointment. And after, in different means, I

was able to more or less know what happened at that appointment...

> And what happened was.... They were talking about *me*, about that *I* have

problems, that maybe *I* have a mental sickness and the sort.....

> I don't know if that was the only thing they talked about, but it was a main

part of the appointment...

>

> G wiz...

> Jack

>

>