No Harassment order (watered down Restraining Order)

February 27, 2011

Hi. This is long… I haven't been here in a while, so there's lots of backstory:

Just under 10 months ago, I went NC with Nada (I was 19, still in college, not

in contact with ANY other family members, being harassed, etc). For a backstory

scroll down.

I sent Nada a letter at the beginning of NC essentially stating " I won't be

contacting you, at *least* for the rest of the summer, please don't contact me. "

I got snail mail, over 100 emails (some harassing, some irrational/delusional,

some " loving " / " apologetic " ). She also tried to find me by calling the Dean of

Students at a nearby college (that my college rents dorms from)… the dean there

got a weird feeling about her and called MY school's Dean of Students office to

let them know/warn them; I was the student worker there, so essentially the Dean

at the other college told me (not knowing it was me) that my mother was trying

to find me.

The emails continued through the school year. She tried contacting me by

emailing (at least) one of my professors (that I know of), and that was a " last

straw " of sorts for me. I sent her an email saying more clearly " because you

didn't respect the boundary I set during the summer, I don't feel safe

reestablishing contact with you; please STOP contacting me and related third

parties in any way shape or form, and I will enforce this boundary if

necessary. " I don't qualify for a restraining order, but by this point my state

had enacted a " no harassment order " that I would probably qualify for. I wanted

to get one, but gathering info took too long/I chickened out.

Things were quiet for a while, but last week I got a warning email from my

grandma that my mum was acting particularly crazy, classmates in her grad

program had filed formal complaints against her, and she was trying really hard

to find me. I'm pretty well protected online and very careful with social

networking sites. Somehow she found my new phone number and sent me a 4 or

5-message long text that made absolutely no sense (no context: egypt is

dangerous, your visa will expire soon (not true), I'm leaving the country

because of Egypt, tell me where you are, the middle east tortures women, I love

you, check in with me). She then called me as a restricted number (I picked up,

said hello, heard her voice and hung up).

I'm a crisis counselor at a rape/crisis hotline, and I called my organization to

get some legal counseling (that was awkward, but they're good people and it's a

great organization). I'm going to court tomorrow morning (with a legal advocate

from the center) to get the 10-day " no harassment order " (g-d willing, the judge

will grant it to me), and after ten days, I would to go back for a two-party

hearing (me and my mum both present to the judge) and ask that it be extended

for a year. If she doesn't show up, it's automatically extended… it's the same

procedure as a restraining order, and it's my last resort. I'm freaking out:

what kind of daughter does that to her mother (guilt/self-blame), what if the

judge doesn't believe me, what if I get a 10-day program and my mum shows up for

the 2party hearing but it isn't extended… I'm scared.

Any words of wisdom or support?

*************

Backstory:

NC happened at the end of my 2nd year in college (I'm still in school). The blow

up was so scary that I took out a no trespass order at my college. I live

off-campus now, but I won't take out a no trespass order here because then my

Nada would get my address.

Some relatives got in touch with me (Nada wouldn't let me talk to them), but

they're all in a different country—I got to see some of them over school breaks.

I'm putting myself through school and graduating early. Next fall is my last

semester (I'm graduating when I'm 20), but I need Nada's tax report to apply for

financial aid (I'm fighting for a dependency override) to afford to go back next

fall.

Now that I'm not as afraid of Nada, I can be involved with the Jewish community

without fear (she was antisemitic went though we're Jewish… she tried to raise

me Christian). I've become orthodox/chassidic, and I love having an accepting

community, and a community with the same beliefs, practices, customs, and

general goals as I do. I have an incredible support system there; it's like a

mini-family.

I don't want to be in school right now (dealing with trauma but) mostly because

this is the first time in my life that *I* can choose what I want to do, and I

feel like my degree (self-designed @ a nontraditional college) will be useless.

I'll (G-d willing) get my U.S. citizenship sometime this summer (hopefully in

time for the annual July 4th swearing in ceremony in the town where I live), and

then I'll be able to travel more freely.

Long-story short, I want to take a break, drop-out for a bit, maybe travel again

(I've lived all over and speak (rustily) German, French, Spanish, English, and

I'm learning Hebrew and Yiddish).

-Maia

February 27, 2011

You have plenty of hard evidence (if you've kept her phone messages and e-mails)

and live witnesses to confirm that your mother has a long history now of

obsessively stalking and harassing you even though you told her in writing that

you want no contact, so, I don't see any problem with you getting your

harassment/restraining order.

I think a more relevant question for you to ask is:

" What kind of mother obsessively stalks and harasses her adult child even when

repeatedly asked to stop? "

You did not cause your mother to be mentally ill, which in my opinion she

clearly is. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it. You can't make your

mother happy. If you lived with her and slavishly catered to her every whim,

she would still not be happy with you or with herself.

You can't help her, you can't " fix " her brokenness.

She needs psychiatric help, and possibly meds.

All you can do is choose to protect yourself. You have the right to protect

yourself from abuse, sad as it is that your abuser is your own mother.

I don't think anyone would think badly of you for having to take this step,

under the given circumstances. At least, I don't.

-Annie

>

> Hi. This is long… I haven't been here in a while, so there's lots of

backstory:

>

> ...Just under 10 months ago, I went NC with Nada (I was 19, still in college,

not in contact with ANY other family members, being harassed, etc). For a

backstory scroll down.... I'm freaking out: what kind of daughter does that to

her mother (guilt/self-blame), what if the judge doesn't believe me, what if I

get a 10-day program and my mum shows up for the 2party hearing but it isn't

extended… I'm scared.

>

> Any words of wisdom or support?

February 27, 2011

To answer your question, the kind of daughter who fights for legal

protection is the kind who is being harassed by a mentally ill, unstable and

dangerous parent.

Hallmark invented this sugar sweet mother for holidays, for their profits.

She does things like wears aprons, bakes cookies and takes your temperature.

For most of us on this list, this kind of mother is a complete myth. Maybe,

like unicorns, its true somewhere, but I've not seen one myself.

Can you get into therapy? It has helped me SO SO much.

On Sun, Feb 27, 2011 at 12:01 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> You have plenty of hard evidence (if you've kept her phone messages and

> e-mails) and live witnesses to confirm that your mother has a long history

> now of obsessively stalking and harassing you even though you told her in

> writing that you want no contact, so, I don't see any problem with you

> getting your harassment/restraining order.

>

> I think a more relevant question for you to ask is:

> " What kind of mother obsessively stalks and harasses her adult child even

> when repeatedly asked to stop? "

>

> You did not cause your mother to be mentally ill, which in my opinion she

> clearly is. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it. You can't make your

> mother happy. If you lived with her and slavishly catered to her every whim,

> she would still not be happy with you or with herself.

>

> You can't help her, you can't " fix " her brokenness.

>

> She needs psychiatric help, and possibly meds.

>

> All you can do is choose to protect yourself. You have the right to protect

> yourself from abuse, sad as it is that your abuser is your own mother.

>

> I don't think anyone would think badly of you for having to take this step,

> under the given circumstances. At least, I don't.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > Hi. This is long… I haven't been here in a while, so there's lots of

> backstory:

> >

> > ...Just under 10 months ago, I went NC with Nada (I was 19, still in

> college, not in contact with ANY other family members, being harassed, etc).

> For a backstory scroll down.... I'm freaking out: what kind of daughter does

> that to her mother (guilt/self-blame), what if the judge doesn't believe me,

> what if I get a 10-day program and my mum shows up for the 2party hearing

> but it isn't extended… I'm scared.

> >

> > Any words of wisdom or support?

>

February 28, 2011

Hi Maia,

I read this and so feel what you are going through. Your nada sounds a lot like

mine. My nada not only doesn't respect boundaries, but almost makes it her

personal mission to see how far she can go to break those boundaries. You are

doing the right thing. I wish I had the courage to do what you are doing when I

was your age. I also struggled with the guilt which got the best of me. Now here

I am ten years later with a family of my own wishing I could turn back the clock

and get the harassment order before I built the life I have now. A part of me

thought that maybe nada would get help, maybe she would get better. Truth is

that over the years she has only gotten worse, and now ten years later I am

going through the no harassment order. I had to deal with nadas antics through

my engagement and when I got married. What should have been one of the happiest

times was a very stressful time because nada was constantly trying to sabotage

it. Then when I had my baby girl, nada was at it again but worse than ever. I so

wish I could go back to when I was 19 and do what you are doing. I commend you

for being so young yet so smart, strong and brave. Please keep us posted on what

happens.

~Shan

>

> Hi. This is long I haven't been here in a while, so there's lots of