AFter setting boundaries, nada breaks them

[Guest guest]

So nada both emailed me and sent me a card that said " I miss talking to you "

this week. This after my explicit instructions for her to ONLY contact me if

there is an emergency and only by phone. I responded to her email only to

clarify my boundaries. Do not fear, after sending it, I will delete any replies

without reading. If she breaks my rules, I will change my phone number as I

threatened her.

Here is my email to her:

" I have instructed you not to email me and only to contact me via phone and ONLY

in the case of an emergency. Any regular mail you continue to send me will be

returned to sender. This is your final warning before I change my phone number

and cut off all contact.

I will have no further contact with you unless you acknowledge your behavior and

what you have done. You cannot pretend that everything is okay and send me

stupid cards that say you miss talking to me. Do you miss screaming and yelling

at me and violently throwing things at me too? Do you miss treating me like dog

shit when I go out of my way and sacrifice to visit you, and then shit on that

too?

I will not allow abusive people in my life, and you are abusive. Do not email me

and do not send me mail. You may only contact me if someone is dying (that is

the only emergency I recognize from you) and ONLY, repeat ONLY by phone. Do not

call my work. If you continue, I will file harassment charges and change my

number and you will have NO contact with me ever again.

You may think that you did nothing wrong, but your violent behavior at Christmas

is unacceptable and your behaving that nothing is wrong and you have nothing to

be sorry for is reprehensible. I will not have contact with you unless I know

that you are seeking treatment for your abusive behavior.

Any responses will be automatically deleted and not read.

"

[Guest guest]

Good girl!!! Bravo!!! Awesome!!! You have come such a long way since

Christmas. Hugs, High fives and maybe even a football player style toush pat

>

>

> So nada both emailed me and sent me a card that said " I miss talking to

> you " this week. This after my explicit instructions for her to ONLY contact

> me if there is an emergency and only by phone. I responded to her email only

> to clarify my boundaries. Do not fear, after sending it, I will delete any

> replies without reading. If she breaks my rules, I will change my phone

> number as I threatened her.

>

> Here is my email to her:

>

> " I have instructed you not to email me and only to contact me via phone and

> ONLY in the case of an emergency. Any regular mail you continue to send me

> will be returned to sender. This is your final warning before I change my

> phone number and cut off all contact.

>

> I will have no further contact with you unless you acknowledge your

> behavior and what you have done. You cannot pretend that everything is okay

> and send me stupid cards that say you miss talking to me. Do you miss

> screaming and yelling at me and violently throwing things at me too? Do you

> miss treating me like dog shit when I go out of my way and sacrifice to

> visit you, and then shit on that too?

>

> I will not allow abusive people in my life, and you are abusive. Do not

> email me and do not send me mail. You may only contact me if someone is

> dying (that is the only emergency I recognize from you) and ONLY, repeat

> ONLY by phone. Do not call my work. If you continue, I will file harassment

> charges and change my number and you will have NO contact with me ever

> again.

>

> You may think that you did nothing wrong, but your violent behavior at

> Christmas is unacceptable and your behaving that nothing is wrong and you

> have nothing to be sorry for is reprehensible. I will not have contact with

> you unless I know that you are seeking treatment for your abusive behavior.

>

> Any responses will be automatically deleted and not read.

>

> "

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, your letter to your mom is awesome! Good job!

Annie

>

> >

> >

> > So nada both emailed me and sent me a card that said " I miss talking to

> > you " this week. This after my explicit instructions for her to ONLY contact

> > me if there is an emergency and only by phone. I responded to her email only

> > to clarify my boundaries. Do not fear, after sending it, I will delete any

> > replies without reading. If she breaks my rules, I will change my phone

> > number as I threatened her.

> >

> > Here is my email to her:

> >

> > " I have instructed you not to email me and only to contact me via phone and

> > ONLY in the case of an emergency. Any regular mail you continue to send me

> > will be returned to sender. This is your final warning before I change my

> > phone number and cut off all contact.

> >

> > I will have no further contact with you unless you acknowledge your

> > behavior and what you have done. You cannot pretend that everything is okay

> > and send me stupid cards that say you miss talking to me. Do you miss

> > screaming and yelling at me and violently throwing things at me too? Do you

> > miss treating me like dog shit when I go out of my way and sacrifice to

> > visit you, and then shit on that too?

> >

> > I will not allow abusive people in my life, and you are abusive. Do not

> > email me and do not send me mail. You may only contact me if someone is

> > dying (that is the only emergency I recognize from you) and ONLY, repeat

> > ONLY by phone. Do not call my work. If you continue, I will file harassment

> > charges and change my number and you will have NO contact with me ever

> > again.

> >

> > You may think that you did nothing wrong, but your violent behavior at

> > Christmas is unacceptable and your behaving that nothing is wrong and you

> > have nothing to be sorry for is reprehensible. I will not have contact with

> > you unless I know that you are seeking treatment for your abusive behavior.

> >

> > Any responses will be automatically deleted and not read.

> >

> > "

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

GOOD FOR YOU AMANDA! This is a great letter to your nada. I'm very proud

of you for speaking your mind & putting up VERY CLEAR boundaries. Good Good

Good!!!! I think you should print it & show your T. I bet s/he would agree

you did a great job =)

I know it's hard, but you will be ok, and we are here for you!

((((()))))

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Very good . It sucks to have to send such a letter. I am having to do

something very similar with my nada. What I hate about it is that I take the 5th

commandment at its word and I do not like uncomfortable feeling of having to

compromise it. But I do not think that the sages expected a child to sacrifice

his/her mental health in order to abide by it. At least I hope not.

For me, I do feel some guilt about having to do this, and yet no one should be

made to feel guilty about protecting oneself from the harm and destructiveness

of one's own mother when she turns from the sweet to the the mom with the scary

talions, as she inevitably will. People who have not been through this cannot

understand the pain of the rejection and the pain of having to defend oneself

from one's own mother, who, more than anyone else, is supposed to be the person

who you can count on to be consistently gentle and trustworthy and protective

and accepting of you.

A letter like the one you wrote is the least bad of the list of only-bad options

that are available to you. I did write something recently that was similar.

I tried to soften my own letter without compromising it. The thing I did to

soften my own letter was to list all the things I could think of that I was

grateful for that she did while i was growing up (and there were many of them),

so that she would know that I did feel gratitude and appreciation for the things

that she DID do. As a mom i know its sad not to feel appreciated on occasion

when kids, who are natuarlly immature, are thoughtless; and it happens to the

best of us when kids do thoughtless things under normal circumstances. So all

the more for BPD nadas who know how hard they tried to be kind and loving and do

the right thing despite thier illness. But they often are cruel and unwilling to

take responsibility for their cruelty, and this makes it hard for the adult

child to feel or express gratitude for the good things that their nada mom did

do. both sides feel victimized by this.

I am hoping that my explicit and extensive list of things that i appreciated her

for will help ease pain of the limitations in contact that i am now enforcing. I

do have empathy for her; and yet I will not expose myself anymore, so that she

cannot use my empathy to manipulate me. The unprincipled way that a BPD nada

will do anything she can to gain advantage, regardless of ethics or pain imposed

upon their " loved " ones, is one of the things that makes a BPD nada so toxic. It

is one of the things that forces the offspring to protect themselves by cutting

off contact.

If only BPD nadas were willing to engage in honest introspection, this whole

situation would be a lot easier. But they tend to be neither introspective, not

honest, nor principled, nor ethical, nor trustworthy. Nor do they accept the

existence of another individual's needs, since the acknowledgement of these

needs, in the world of the borderline, threatens the prospect of her own

narcissistic " needs " being met. So there is seldom much, if anything, to work

with. It is silly to even try to relate to a person like this, who has a myriad

of barriers to normal relational functioning, each of which makes normal

intimacy impossible.

Carolyn

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Mia. I realized that when I originally set up my boundaries, I didn't

explain why or state the consequences for breaking them. So what incentive does

she have to respect them or me? I'm sure I sounded a bit angry in this letter,

but I have a right to be angry; her behavior is unacceptable and disgusting. I

will not put up with it.

I told my step-mother about the email, and she and my dad are aware that I told

nada not to contact me and stop emailing me, etc., because I needed space. When

I told step-mom that nada had continued to email me and sent me a card, she was

flabbergasted. Stepmom is fairly understanding, but without giving her all the

dirty details, she sometimes says things like: you might want it to be different

in a few years. But when I responded: " I cannot enable her behavior. So it will

make me sad to not have the mother I want, I have never had the mother I want,

and really, my decision is based on her behavior. I can't have an abusive person

in my life, no matter who they are. It's just like she's an alcoholic, and I

have to say this is the consequence. I will not be around you if you behave this

way. "

When I said that, stepmom understood. And I think dad understands too that there

is stuff that he's not aware of. My dad is aware of my mom's rages, because a

lot of them were between him and her. But he's not aware of a lot of the stuff

that occurred between her and me and my brothers. He was in the military and

stationed away from home a lot, then he worked for an airline and was away a

lot too. Then they seperated and divorced, and he wasn't there at all.

I told my stepmom that when I called my dad earlier today and told him how I

finished my 20 mile run, the first thing he did, before I could even finish was

exclaim: I am so PROUD of you! Good job!

He was genuinely and truly happy for me. On the contrast, my mother would say

it like she was saying " I have to use the bathroom. " It would be empty and

hollow, and just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Because the way she says

it, it's almost like she's saying it with a tone that says " well, it's nice that

YOU can accomplish something. My life is so hard and so miserable and look at

all I've done and given up for you (which is bullshit) so I'm glad you can

accomplish things. But really I'm going to make it about me and how you should

pity me and apologize to me and thank me for giving you the opportunity to do

the things you want. " Does anyone else feel me on that?

Anyways, I'm waiting for the backlash, if any, from my letter. I doubt she will

do or say anything. She probably won't tell her husband that I sent it. But her

husband believes she has BPD too. But frankly, I think he's enmeshed. The way

she treats my 12 year old step brother...I swear I want to call CPS.