New here

February 27, 2011

Hello,

I am a mother of two in my mid twenties. I was raised by a BPD mother who I

have now had no contact with for 9 months or so. In my healing process I am

coming to realise that I married a man who is not BPD but has very

controlling traits. I am struggling right now with trying to figure out

what to do in this situation. I have very little contact with any family

and only superficial contact with the ones I do. I am unemployed so I feel

I cannot leave. It just feels like the more I get better the worse my

husband is treating me. I look forward to spending some time here and

hopefully finding some peace in a very hurtful world.

BB

February 28, 2011

Hi Beatrice,

What a beautiful beautiful name, its one of my favorites.

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry for all of your pain and suffering. How

old are your kids? Do you have a therapist? I wonder if you could access one

through school maybe? I think it would help you so so much.

Annie (another person on our group) will know this better than I do, but I

believe there is a group for BPD couples/persons who are partnered with a

BPD. There is also a book - is it called Splitting? Or You're my World - if

you look on bpd central you will see some resources for splitting from a

personality disordered spouse. Even if you do not decide to do that, it

might help you out to see more information.

Hugs and Welcome, Girlscout

On Mon, Feb 28, 2011 at 4:16 PM, Beatrice Benedick <

motherlessmommy@...> wrote:

> Hello,

>

> Hubby has always had some issues but prior to me beginning this healing

> journey I denied the seriousness of them. If I had to try and judge the

> issues we are having I would say that it is way worse now. I am not fully

> a

> stay at home mom and will not be able to stay in that boat for long

> (sadly).

> I am currently unemployed and in collage.

>

> To keep this semi-short I will detail only the current issues. He is

> very passively critical. He shows me no respect. He works from home so I

> get no time away from him which adds to the issue. It is so hard to convey

> in writing how exactly he acts. He will remind me to take care of the kids

> as if I cannot handle it on my own. Once, he blamed me outright for

> causing

> diaper rash in front of his mother. He insisted that I did not change our

> baby's diaper all day as I tried to tell him that I had just checked her

> diaper an hour before. He ignored what I said and proclaimed that I had

> not

> done it all day. Because of his working from home I can never have the

> house to myself. I am recently quitting smoking and in the past few days

> decided to get in shape again. I asked him to give me some time to

> exercise

> (nada was very critical of my weight) because I am uncomfortable being

> watched. He was working so should have been able to stay in his office for

> awhile. He came into the room I was in (on a different floor of the house)

> 7 minutes later. He then proceeded to " explain " why I should not use that

> room. I have asked him dozens of times in many different ways to show me

> more courtesy and respect but he always has an excuse as to why he did what

> he did. Each incident by itself is trivial and easy to overlook but I am

> able now to see the pattern of disrespect and his attempts to have his way.

>

> I fall into the cycle of thinking that I am overreacting but I know that I

> am not. I feel like he is opposed to me making positive changes. Each

> time

> I have tried to quit smoking he will pick arguments on the first or second

> day after I have asked him to be patient with me. I do realize that I am

> responsible for me but I believe that a spouse should be supportive. He

> leaves me with most household responsibilities but I have to do them his

> way

> or it is wrong.

>

> I have hit my breaking point but when I tried to discuss divorce with him

> he

> refused to leave without the kids and I know he will use the kids to hurt

> me

> which I cannot bear to put them through. Besides, right now there is no

> way

> that I will get custody. He has a job and family support which I lack.

> The

> courts have shown a lack of concern for emotional health of children and

> that is what the issue would be with him.

>

> Sorry, I am sure this is not a much better overview. I am still hurting

> and

> cannot come up with the words to describe the situation well. As for nada,

> he does understand that situation and is at least supportive of the NC.

>

> BB

>

> >

> > Hello BB,

> >

> > I too am a stay-at-home mom in my twenties (29, but still in my twenties,

> > lol) I was also raised by a BPD mother and am going on 7 months no

> contact.

> > I do not have control issues with my husband, but I know that it is hard

> for

> > him sometimes to understand what I am going through with having a BPD

> mother

> > and choosing to have no contact. So often, I find myself here. Everyone

> here

> > really understands and supports each other. I have been a member to this

> msg

> > board for years but have only recently really been " active " . I find it

> very

> > therapeutic to the " healing " process, especially after deciding to have

> no

> > contact with my mother. How does your husband feel about your mother?

> Does

> > he understand BPD? Has he always been controlling or just recently?

> >

> > I know how sometimes all you need is just someone to listen too. Message

> or

> > write me anytime! I hope you find your peace and I hope this group helps,

> > even if just a little.

> >

> > ~Shan

> >

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > I am a mother of two in my mid twenties. I was raised by a BPD mother

> who

> > I

> > > have now had no contact with for 9 months or so. In my healing process

> I

> > am

> > > coming to realise that I married a man who is not BPD but has very

> > > controlling traits. I am struggling right now with trying to figure out

> > > what to do in this situation. I have very little contact with any

> family

> > > and only superficial contact with the ones I do. I am unemployed so I

> > feel

> > > I cannot leave. It just feels like the more I get better the worse my

> > > husband is treating me. I look forward to spending some time here and

> > > hopefully finding some peace in a very hurtful world.

> > >

> > > BB

> > >

February 28, 2011

Hi Beatrice, welcome to the Group.

I'm no psychologist, but from what I've read about personality disorder, the

kind of controlling, rigid, and perfectionist behavior you describe RE your

husband could possibly be obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not the

same thing as *obsessive-compulsive disorder*) or perhaps narcissistic pd.

In any case, living with someone who is domineering, difficult to please and who

demeans and criticizes you in front of other people can't be easy.

There is a support Group within this " BPD Central/Welcome To Oz " community for

those who are married to someone with bpd, and are trying to decide whether to

stay or leave: " WTO Transitions " . Here's the link to the extensive list of

WTO support groups:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/support/email.shtml

And, I agree that if you can manage it, therapy for yourself (through your

school) would probably be a benefit to you. If your husband is open to couple's

therapy, that would be great too, but, its usually not easy to bring up the

subject of therapy with someone who has personality disorder. Unfortunately its

a characteristic of those with personality disorder to believe that they are

perfectly fine, nothing is wrong with them at all, and all their problems

originate with other people and circumstances outside their own self.

In any case, this particular Group is more focused on dealing with parents with

borderline pd, but not rigidly so. But you might find more targeted discussions

and feedback RE being married to someone with bpd at one of the other WTO

Groups. You can be in both Groups, or several, if you like!

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I am a mother of two in my mid twenties. I was raised by a BPD mother who I

> have now had no contact with for 9 months or so. In my healing process I am

> coming to realise that I married a man who is not BPD but has very

> controlling traits. I am struggling right now with trying to figure out

> what to do in this situation. I have very little contact with any family

> and only superficial contact with the ones I do. I am unemployed so I feel

> I cannot leave. It just feels like the more I get better the worse my

> husband is treating me. I look forward to spending some time here and

> hopefully finding some peace in a very hurtful world.

>

> BB

>

February 28, 2011

Girlscout,

Thank you. I adore Shakespeare and borrowed the names from him in order to

maintain privacy (much ado about nothing). I am aware of the other group

but it is actually my mother who is BPD. I am not sure if hubby has

a diagnosable issue but there is defiantly a problem. I overlooked many

behaviors over the years as I was not yet in a healthy place. I think that

he may feel threatened by my positive changes (low self esteem and fear of

losing me?).

My kids are 1 and 3. I do not currently have a therapist. The last one I

saw was not a good fit for me.

BB

February 28, 2011

Anne,

Thank you. I wasn't very clear (should never type while upset-lol) that

hubby does want to work on the issue, he is not denying it. We just cannot

seem to be on the same page. He seems to need me to tell him each time how

to behave and that makes for a very one-sided relationship (and boring). I

think I will check out the other group, it can't hurt. I am still trying to

explore how my relationship with nada is affecting the current situation,

though.

BB

February 28, 2011

Hi I really feel for you. I have dealt with MANY guys like this. My father was

like this so its a type I attract and try to cope with. He sounds passive

aggressive and narcissistic just from what you wrote. Good luck with this

horrendous problem.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Re: New here

Hello,

Hubby has always had some issues but prior to me beginning this healing

journey I denied the seriousness of them. If I had to try and judge the

issues we are having I would say that it is way worse now. I am not fully a

stay at home mom and will not be able to stay in that boat for long (sadly).

I am currently unemployed and in collage.

To keep this semi-short I will detail only the current issues. He is

very passively critical. He shows me no respect. He works from home so I

get no time away from him which adds to the issue. It is so hard to convey

in writing how exactly he acts. He will remind me to take care of the kids

as if I cannot handle it on my own. Once, he blamed me outright for causing

diaper rash in front of his mother. He insisted that I did not change our

baby's diaper all day as I tried to tell him that I had just checked her

diaper an hour before. He ignored what I said and proclaimed that I had not

done it all day. Because of his working from home I can never have the

house to myself. I am recently quitting smoking and in the past few days

decided to get in shape again. I asked him to give me some time to exercise

(nada was very critical of my weight) because I am uncomfortable being

watched. He was working so should have been able to stay in his office for

awhile. He came into the room I was in (on a different floor of the house)

7 minutes later. He then proceeded to " explain " why I should not use that

room. I have asked him dozens of times in many different ways to show me

more courtesy and respect but he always has an excuse as to why he did what

he did. Each incident by itself is trivial and easy to overlook but I am

able now to see the pattern of disrespect and his attempts to have his way.

I fall into the cycle of thinking that I am overreacting but I know that I

am not. I feel like he is opposed to me making positive changes. Each time

I have tried to quit smoking he will pick arguments on the first or second

day after I have asked him to be patient with me. I do realize that I am

responsible for me but I believe that a spouse should be supportive. He

leaves me with most household responsibilities but I have to do them his way

or it is wrong.

I have hit my breaking point but when I tried to discuss divorce with him he

refused to leave without the kids and I know he will use the kids to hurt me

which I cannot bear to put them through. Besides, right now there is no way

that I will get custody. He has a job and family support which I lack. The

courts have shown a lack of concern for emotional health of children and

that is what the issue would be with him.

Sorry, I am sure this is not a much better overview. I am still hurting and

cannot come up with the words to describe the situation well. As for nada,

he does understand that situation and is at least supportive of the NC.

BB

>

> Hello BB,

>

> I too am a stay-at-home mom in my twenties (29, but still in my twenties,

> lol) I was also raised by a BPD mother and am going on 7 months no contact.

> I do not have control issues with my husband, but I know that it is hard for

> him sometimes to understand what I am going through with having a BPD mother

> and choosing to have no contact. So often, I find myself here. Everyone here

> really understands and supports each other. I have been a member to this msg

> board for years but have only recently really been " active " . I find it very

> therapeutic to the " healing " process, especially after deciding to have no

> contact with my mother. How does your husband feel about your mother? Does

> he understand BPD? Has he always been controlling or just recently?

>

> I know how sometimes all you need is just someone to listen too. Message or

> write me anytime! I hope you find your peace and I hope this group helps,

> even if just a little.

>

> ~Shan

>

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I am a mother of two in my mid twenties. I was raised by a BPD mother who

> I

> > have now had no contact with for 9 months or so. In my healing process I

> am

> > coming to realise that I married a man who is not BPD but has very

> > controlling traits. I am struggling right now with trying to figure out

> > what to do in this situation. I have very little contact with any family

> > and only superficial contact with the ones I do. I am unemployed so I

> feel

> > I cannot leave. It just feels like the more I get better the worse my

> > husband is treating me. I look forward to spending some time here and

> > hopefully finding some peace in a very hurtful world.

> >

> > BB

> >

March 1, 2011

Hi BB,

You're very welcome here. I hope you will feel free to unburden yourself here.

I can imagine everything on your plate...kids..demands...tough marriage

dynamics. Is your husband open to couples' counseling? It must feel scary for

you to progress in your healing, but it's good that you do it, esp for your

kids.

Fiona