I need some parenting advice from mom's with daughters

[Guest guest]

Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing going

on here!

My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

help.

Can I be frank?

My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't post

on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall. In fact,

she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10. Did I

already say that?

I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her that

girls have menstrual cycles once a

month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic and

I don't know much about her biological family.

Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's ONLY

10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying that her

stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary region), I

realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even tonight. I asked her

the universal questions of whether she ate something different today, fell down,

hit herself accidentally on the playground or something, was she nauseous. She

is now sitting on the couch covered in a Snuggie watching TV and I am panicking

a little.

But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice for

people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because their

BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was hemorraging

and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was 16.

Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

WRONG.

Any help?

[Guest guest]

I've seen some families celebrate menarche (onset of menstrual periods).

Okay, only the females in the family. And I rather like that idea--that a

menstrual period is nothing to be ashamed of. Granted, guys think it's

totally gross and not something to yell out to the world, but it is a time

of celebration, a coming of age, if you will.

I don't have kids (only 23). But I do know that she deserves to know what

her body is doing, how it's changing. If she is having a period, turn it

into a celebration, coupled with life lessons. Some mothers take their

daughters out to a restaurant, eat out, have dessert, and turn this somewhat

scary thing into an " okay " thing, something perfectly natural and normal.

(Just don't overdo it with bloody cakes and blood red streamers, lol! Just

something nice and simple, because she is growing up.)

I remember running across this book while working at the library.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0962203696?tag=fertilitawarenes & link_code=as3 & creativeA\

SIN=0962203696 & creative=373489 & camp=211189

There are other books you can check out and read together, too, if that

would help you talk about it with her.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom, but hopefully this is a start for you

Holly

>

>

>

> Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing

> going on here!

>

> My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

> very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

> don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

> help.

>

> Can I be frank?

> My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't

> post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall.

> In fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10.

> Did I already say that?

>

> I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her

> that girls have menstrual cycles once a

> month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic

> and I don't know much about her biological family.

>

> Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's

> ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying

> that her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary

> region), I realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even

> tonight. I asked her the universal questions of whether she ate something

> different today, fell down, hit herself accidentally on the playground or

> something, was she nauseous. She is now sitting on the couch covered in a

> Snuggie watching TV and I am panicking a little.

>

> But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice

> for people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because

> their BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was

> hemorraging and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was

> 16.

>

> Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

> WRONG.

> Any help?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yep. Your daughter is right on the cusp of puberty and I think your instincts

are correct: it would be good to tell her very soon (or now) so that she isn't

scared, upset or bewildered when she has her first " show. " She'll know what it

is and that there's nothing wrong with her.

Maybe you could start by asking her what she's heard already about menstruation.

You can be pretty sure that little girls talk amongst themselves and she may

have heard the whole story already from girls who have older sisters, and you

can validate what she already knows. Or, if she's heard some wacky/bizarre

stuff, you can sort it out for her.

I think the key point is that if you're scared, embarrassed, nervous or upset by

the subject, then your emotions will come across to her, and she might possibly

interpret that your unease is due to something being wrong or shameful about

her.

My opinion is that if you can center yourself so that you are calm, relaxed and

compassionate (focused on her feelings), that will have a very positive impact

on your discussion more so than having all the technical details straight.

Possibly you are actually nervous at the whole idea of her hitting puberty and

becoming pregnant at 13 like her bio-mom did, but... she is not her bio-mom.

She has absorbed your family values over the years you have been raising her,

and she is her own person.

Knowledge is power. If she understands what menstruation is, and that it means

that yes, she CAN get pregnant, and that its better to wait until she is an

adult and has a stable, loving spouse and home before planning to bring new life

into this world, then, I think it would be *less* likely for her to follow in

her bio-mom's footsteps, don't you?

You can do that, and you'll do fine because you love her and care about her

feelings.

My nada " did her duty " and brought up the topic of sexual intercourse and

menstruation, but she couldn't look me in the face. She looked upset and rigid,

which automatically terrified the crap out of me. I remember her handing me a

booklet and saying " I want you to read this " and then she walked away; I didn't

even understand what I was reading. The cut-away diagrams of the engaged sexual

organs looked like spaghetti to me. I'm glad they gave us " the talk " and showed

us " the film " in 5th grade, that made more sense to me than the booklet nada

gave me or her curt, monosyllabic non-answers when I later tried to get her to

actually *explain* it to me. All I came away with from my " talk " with nada was

that something was wrong... with *me*... again.

Just my two cent's worth.

-Annie

>

>

> Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing

going on here!

>

> My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

help.

>

> Can I be frank?

> My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't

post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall. In

fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10. Did I

already say that?

>

> I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her that

girls have menstrual cycles once a

> month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic

and I don't know much about her biological family.

>

> Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's

ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying that

her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary region),

I realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even tonight. I asked

her the universal questions of whether she ate something different today, fell

down, hit herself accidentally on the playground or something, was she nauseous.

She is now sitting on the couch covered in a Snuggie watching TV and I am

panicking a little.

>

> But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice for

people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because their

BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was hemorraging

and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was 16.

>

> Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

WRONG.

> Any help?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like it is time to talk about " the birds and the bees " . Regardless on

whether she is going to start her period, I think 10 is a great age to have the

" talk " . If you wait too long she may hear about it from kids at school instead

and it would be soooo much better if she heard it from you. I also agree that it

should be something celebrated and made into a positive thing. Another good book

is " What's Happening to My Body Book for Girls " . Our local library has lots of

great books in the parenting section, maybe you could start there. My daughter

is not quite there yet, but if it were me I would sit down with her and just

explain it, keep to the facts and answer any questions she might have. Then do

something fun and girly to commemorate such a special time for her, maybe go to

a tea house or a spa. I would definitely stay away from make-up or bras (unless

she needed them) in an effort to discourage her from growing up too fast, lol.

>

> >

> >

> >

> > Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing

> > going on here!

> >

> > My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

> > very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

> > don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

> > help.

> >

> > Can I be frank?

> > My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't

> > post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall.

> > In fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10.

> > Did I already say that?

> >

> > I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her

> > that girls have menstrual cycles once a

> > month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic

> > and I don't know much about her biological family.

> >

> > Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's

> > ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying

> > that her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary

> > region), I realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even

> > tonight. I asked her the universal questions of whether she ate something

> > different today, fell down, hit herself accidentally on the playground or

> > something, was she nauseous. She is now sitting on the couch covered in a

> > Snuggie watching TV and I am panicking a little.

> >

> > But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice

> > for people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because

> > their BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was

> > hemorraging and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was

> > 16.

> >

> > Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

> > WRONG.

> > Any help?

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been struggling with this for a little

while. My therapist is constantly telling me that I am a good mom and make good

decisions where my children are concerned, but these are the types of issues

that I reaaally need help with and am always second guessing myself. I feel

like I have researched and Googled it until the cows come home and nothing has

really made me go, " Okay, I'll do it this way. " Thanks for the book information

also.

I decided not to tell her tonight. One reason is because she seemed perfectly

fine after about 20 minutes and I honestly think maybe it was something else.

But regardless, it's obvious I have to talk to her and I'm going to do it this

week. I want to wait until we are alone together and possibly involved in her

upcoming school project or something where she is also concentrating on

something else.

Do you all think that's a good or bad idea?

[Guest guest]

My opinion - just try not to make it too big of a deal. If you seem stressed

she will feel uncomfortable and it will lead to a bad memory. If you are

comfortable and natural it will go fine. I think the earlier you start

talking about it and the less of a taboo subject it is, the better things

will go.

Now how to acheive that - i have no idea. Maybe a few shots of vodka first?

Ha ha totally kidding. Love the Sober for 1 year and 1 month and 27

days Girlscout

Maybe this is a crazy idea - but I had a friend who made a pair of slippers

out of maxi pads and sold them at a craft fair. What if you did something

like that, and then shared with her that since she is such a big girl you

are going to clue her in on the secret of what a maxi pad is. Maybe not that

exactly, but something creative that could turn out to be a fun memory and a

special one. Make her feel like part of a grown up circle and in on the

joke?

>

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been struggling with this for a

> little while. My therapist is constantly telling me that I am a good mom and

> make good decisions where my children are concerned, but these are the types

> of issues that I reaaally need help with and am always second guessing

> myself. I feel like I have researched and Googled it until the cows come

> home and nothing has really made me go, " Okay, I'll do it this way. " Thanks

> for the book information also.

>

> I decided not to tell her tonight. One reason is because she seemed

> perfectly fine after about 20 minutes and I honestly think maybe it was

> something else. But regardless, it's obvious I have to talk to her and I'm

> going to do it this week. I want to wait until we are alone together and

> possibly involved in her upcoming school project or something where she is

> also concentrating on something else.

>

> Do you all think that's a good or bad idea?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I don't have a daughter but am a female so I'll throw in my two cents.

It's important to just be factual and simple about it - this doesn't have to be

a " Big Deal " . It's actually pretty important to just tell her you are female,

you are getting to the age where you bleed once a month, here's the supplies and

where they are located and how you use them. Tampons could be a little freaky

for her so you could tell her she doesn't have to try them till/if she's ready.

At the same time, tampons are best to hide the embarrassment a teenager can feel

about having a period way better than pads. Less to carry, easier to hide,

nothing to show. I'd say go light on the sex part of the talk - just say it's

part of her becoming a woman so she can have a baby one day. It might be better

to treat the whole sex details conversation separately.

Still 10 is older than it used to be - I'm amazed at the amount of sexual

references everywhere in our society. She may know more than you think already.

Also with the hormones in milk and meat, puberty is coming earlier than it would

otherwise. I have to give my nada credit that the periods and sex stuff was one

thing she mostly got right. She didn't hide it and she didn't focus on it.

When my period came at eleven my reaction was just " Oh shit, this is going to be

a pain in the ass. " I went to the cabinet got a pad and tried to forget about

it!

Oh one thing I wish my nada had done which was very important is that she did

not have me monitored for anemia even though I've had lifelong heavy periods.

In hindsight I was probably anemic or borderline anemic most of my teenage years

because of this. If your daughter's vitality noticeably drops in the first year

after she starts please get her a ferritin test - not just the regular CBC.

Good luck!

>

>

> Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing

going on here!

>

> My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

help.

>

> Can I be frank?

> My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't

post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall. In

fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10. Did I

already say that?

>

> I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her that

girls have menstrual cycles once a

> month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic

and I don't know much about her biological family.

>

> Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's

ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying that

her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary region),

I realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even tonight. I asked

her the universal questions of whether she ate something different today, fell

down, hit herself accidentally on the playground or something, was she nauseous.

She is now sitting on the couch covered in a Snuggie watching TV and I am

panicking a little.

>

> But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice for

people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because their

BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was hemorraging

and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was 16.

>

> Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

WRONG.

> Any help?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<<<>>> You're a super mom!! She's blessed to have you.

When we felt it was " time " to talk to my older daughter about it (and I started

with her when she was around 8 or 9 b/c she would see sanitary pads, etc and ask

about them), we got her books we liked that explained it. The one she loved the

most, that we bought her was the The Body Book " by Rue. It's a Christian

perspective, fyi. If you'd rather a non-religious perspective, I've heard the

American Girl body books are good, too.

I agree, it's a tough topic. So, of course is sex, and I was kind of proud of

myself last week when my 13 year old asked me, " does it hurt the first time?

What's an orgasm??? " I didn't freak. I just answered her best I could.

Siiiiiigggghhhh...

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

Fiona

>

>

> Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes... Nothing

going on here!

>

> My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care. She is a

very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very artistic. I

don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is not why I need

help.

>

> Can I be frank?

> My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is " can't

post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but very tall. In

fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My daughter is 10. Did I

already say that?

>

> I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never told her that

girls have menstrual cycles once a

> month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be genetic

and I don't know much about her biological family.

>

> Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself she's

ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this evening crying that

her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her stomach, more in the ovary region),

I realized I have to tell her and tell her soon. Maybe even tonight. I asked

her the universal questions of whether she ate something different today, fell

down, hit herself accidentally on the playground or something, was she nauseous.

She is now sitting on the couch covered in a Snuggie watching TV and I am

panicking a little.

>

> But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no advice for

people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR mothers because their

BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every month claiming she was hemorraging

and dying. Aside from the fact that I didn't start till I was 16.

>

> Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of telling her

WRONG.

> Any help?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think discussing it while you're doing something together is a fantastic idea,

esp b/c it sounds like it would allow you to be more relaxed and natural about

it.

My mom discussed it as a special, VERY important topic, kind of like when you're

watching a great show and there's a breaking news bulletin and your heart

seizes....?? Like that. i was like " uh oh, what did I do? what does she

want?? "

Discussing it while doing something fun together is good.

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been struggling with this for a

little while. My therapist is constantly telling me that I am a good mom and

make good decisions where my children are concerned, but these are the types of

issues that I reaaally need help with and am always second guessing myself. I

feel like I have researched and Googled it until the cows come home and nothing

has really made me go, " Okay, I'll do it this way. " Thanks for the book

information also.

>

> I decided not to tell her tonight. One reason is because she seemed perfectly

fine after about 20 minutes and I honestly think maybe it was something else.

But regardless, it's obvious I have to talk to her and I'm going to do it this

week. I want to wait until we are alone together and possibly involved in her

upcoming school project or something where she is also concentrating on

something else.

>

> Do you all think that's a good or bad idea?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As I recall, my wife told me our oldest daughter s comment after a talk

about the whole menstruation issue was " Yuck. "

We guys have it lucky. Still it is a difficult talk for us with our

sons as well. Sexuality and physiology of reproduction is personal, and

awkward, and truly ought to be.

What most of us found with our nada s was that for them, sadly , it was

not. We did not " have " the talk, we were subjected to it.

It s ok to let them know it is uncomfortable for you, too. Just like

it is for them. But you WILL talk, or answer anything about it for

them, discomfort or no. You will not beat them across the face with it.

As to books,

try this one

http://www.amazon.com/Before-She-Gets-Her-Period/dp/0962203696/ref=sr_1_\

4?ie=UTF8 & qid=1298990283 & sr=8-4

<http://www.amazon.com/Before-She-Gets-Her-Period/dp/0962203696/ref=sr_1\

_4?ie=UTF8 & qid=1298990283 & sr=8-4>

Parenting is not for sissies.

Doug

> >

> >

> > Or if you're a female it will work too. Guys close your eyes...

Nothing going on here!

> >

> > My daughter is 10. We adopted her when she was 4 from foster care.

She is a very sensitive child. She's sweet, smart, and inquisitive. Very

artistic. I don't know why I'm even telling you all this part as this is

not why I need help.

> >

> > Can I be frank?

> > My therapist is out of town and I need mother advice. Badly. This is

" can't post on FB for advice " either. She is really thin for her age but

very tall. In fact, she is 5'1. Her birthmother got pregnant at 13. My

daughter is 10. Did I already say that?

> >

> > I've wanted to keep my kids innocent and in doing so, have never

told her that girls have menstrual cycles once a

> > month. I am concerned because I know that the time close and can be

genetic and I don't know much about her biological family.

> >

> > Maybe I've subconsciously avoided the topic because I've told myself

she's ONLY 10, but when she came into the living room crying this

evening crying that her stomach hurt (and pointed lower than her

stomach, more in the ovary region), I realized I have to tell her and

tell her soon. Maybe even tonight. I asked her the universal questions

of whether she ate something different today, fell down, hit herself

accidentally on the playground or something, was she nauseous. She is

now sitting on the couch covered in a Snuggie watching TV and I am

panicking a little.

> >

> > But I don't have a book handy and I've Googled it and there is no

advice for people who have been warped and scared to death by THEIR

mothers because their BPD mother laid on the couch for a week every

month claiming she was hemorraging and dying. Aside from the fact that I

didn't start till I was 16.

> >

> > Fact is, more than being afraid of telling her, I am afraid of

telling her WRONG.

> > Any help?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

As an old mother of a grown daughter, I think it is a good idea to be relaxed

and casual when discussing female biology.

Of course, it was easy for me because my daughter and I raised show rabbits

together, and breeding the rabbits and helping the does with their kits gave

lots of good opportunities to discuss biology and human sexuality.

Has your daughter noticed TV commercials for feminine hygiene products? The next

time one of those comes on might be a convenient time to open the topic.

Your daughter will take her cues from you, and if you show by your behavior that

it is natural and NOT shameful, that will be helpful.

I wouldn't make too big of a deal of it the other way either, such as gushing,

" My little girl is a woman now! " That would be embarrassing.