taking a sabbatical from nada

[Guest guest]

I don't get to post consistently here, and for that I apologize. I read list

digests as much as possible, but I am on an assignment deadline right now.

Still, I want to share something simple, but profound, that is happening in my

life.

I have deliberately and without guilt (for once) chosen to minimize (down as

close to zero contact as feels natural to me) my contact with my nada. I won't

call it no contact, because that feels like it would be too limiting to me right

now. Because I had a mental health relapse right after Thanksgiving, I had to

re-evaluate how I was handling my triggers. My nada told me in the past that I

" had to " share when I went to the hospital. Well, it was interesting to me that

even though I knew I could make my own choices about what I wanted to share, I

still felt like I had to prove something by answering the phone from her, not

long after I had come back from hospital early in December. I've since come to

realize it was self-nurturing for me to keep the story of my relapse something

private, not to be shared with her. I've told friends who really know me and

care about me, when the timing seemed right. It has been interesting, to say the

least, to answer the usual " why " questions. I have a myriad of explanations, but

the story comes out differently for each person I share it with, and I see that

is natural too. Some folks can accept a my evolving understanding. Some would

like to be of help during the crisis, and they too told me to call them next

time it happened. Nooooo, I won't put anyone through that... though I can

understand their caring impulse to want to help me avoid the crisis!

What is really interesting is this: I feel no sadness nor guilt for not sharing

any of the story at all, with my mom. I think this is because I finally

understand that I have built the healthy loving relationships I need. Nada is

not able to participate in such a relationship with me, because her belief

system only allows her to see me as inadequate. If I told her about my relapse,

she would have new reasons to look for me to be inadequate. I don't actually

have the character strength to deal with this, and for once, this is absolutely

OK with me. Why SHOULD an adult daughter have to prove she can defend herself

against her mother? I no longer am willing to laugh off, defend myself or try

to make the relationship better than it is, because all efforts take me circling

around the same drain... being sucked into a state of arrested annoyance. I get

so annoyed that I lose my integrity and my serenity trying to relate to her!

So at last, I am doing the work of my recovery program, the special work of

making amends to myself . To me this means having compassion for me, and taking

time to know who I really am... when I am not finding myself defending my psyche

against nada's Sherman tank nature. I am actually a person who prefers happiness

to being " strong " or " right " .

It may not sound like a lot of time yet, but the last time I made or took a

phone call from nada was the weekend of January 24th. I think she may have

tried to call me since, but I no longer look for private caller to show up on my

caller id. I don't really care if she calls, and it really seems that somehow I

am not around when the phone rings. Or else she is not calling me. In the past,

I would think, " OH this must mean I should call HER, to show her that I am still

a good daughter... " Forget that! Instead, every day I ask myself, " do you

feel like talking to your mom? " And each day the answer is such a peaceful " no " .

I no longer should on myself.... and make myself go prove I am a " good "

daughter. Heck I know I am a good daughter and that honoring who I am.... by not

exposing myself to caustic words.. it what taking care of me is all about

---for now.

In the meantime, I meditate, and read and when I have physical injuries from

doing new things (gardening, dropping skillets on my toe, and falling down while

roller-skating)... instead of wanting reassurance from nada or anyone else, I

am kind to me. I don't whine for attention or tell myself how unlucky I am for

my injuries. I use ice, arnica, my chiropractor when necessary and I take hot

baths when my injuries are ready for that phase of treatment. And I soldier on,

taking special care of me, but not letting the injury be an excuse to retreat

from life too long....

In the absence of having to figure out HOW to respond to nada in a way that does

not diminish me.... I finally feel like an adult who can take care of herself!

BAnd this past 6 weeks of not hearing nada's voice or even caring what she

thinks of me.... have seemed like the longest, most savory six weeks of my life!

I'm just taking it one day at a time... towards inner peace.

Best,

[Guest guest]

(((((())))))

I can " hear " the peacefulness and... " centered-ness " in your post.

Sounds to me like you've reached a big milestone in your path toward healing.

I'm happy for you! Its like climbing up a tall mesa and getting that big, wide

view at the top, and taking a deep breath and realizing, " Wow, I did it! "

Congratulations from me, and a big thumb's up.

-Annie

>

> I don't get to post consistently here, and for that I apologize. I read list

digests as much as possible, but I am on an assignment deadline right now.

>

> Still, I want to share something simple, but profound, that is happening in my

life.

>

> I have deliberately and without guilt (for once) chosen to minimize (down as

close to zero contact as feels natural to me) my contact with my nada. I won't

call it no contact, because that feels like it would be too limiting to me right

now. Because I had a mental health relapse right after Thanksgiving, I had to

re-evaluate how I was handling my triggers. My nada told me in the past that I

" had to " share when I went to the hospital. Well, it was interesting to me that

even though I knew I could make my own choices about what I wanted to share, I

still felt like I had to prove something by answering the phone from her, not

long after I had come back from hospital early in December. I've since come to

realize it was self-nurturing for me to keep the story of my relapse something

private, not to be shared with her. I've told friends who really know me and

care about me, when the timing seemed right. It has been interesting, to say the

least, to answer the usual " why " questions. I have a myriad of explanations, but

the story comes out differently for each person I share it with, and I see that

is natural too. Some folks can accept a my evolving understanding. Some would

like to be of help during the crisis, and they too told me to call them next

time it happened. Nooooo, I won't put anyone through that... though I can

understand their caring impulse to want to help me avoid the crisis!

>

> What is really interesting is this: I feel no sadness nor guilt for not

sharing any of the story at all, with my mom. I think this is because I finally

understand that I have built the healthy loving relationships I need. Nada is

not able to participate in such a relationship with me, because her belief

system only allows her to see me as inadequate. If I told her about my relapse,

she would have new reasons to look for me to be inadequate. I don't actually

have the character strength to deal with this, and for once, this is absolutely

OK with me. Why SHOULD an adult daughter have to prove she can defend herself

against her mother? I no longer am willing to laugh off, defend myself or try

to make the relationship better than it is, because all efforts take me circling

around the same drain... being sucked into a state of arrested annoyance. I get

so annoyed that I lose my integrity and my serenity trying to relate to her!

>

> So at last, I am doing the work of my recovery program, the special work of

making amends to myself . To me this means having compassion for me, and taking

time to know who I really am... when I am not finding myself defending my psyche

against nada's Sherman tank nature. I am actually a person who prefers happiness

to being " strong " or " right " .

>

> It may not sound like a lot of time yet, but the last time I made or took a

phone call from nada was the weekend of January 24th. I think she may have

tried to call me since, but I no longer look for private caller to show up on my

caller id. I don't really care if she calls, and it really seems that somehow I

am not around when the phone rings. Or else she is not calling me. In the past,

I would think, " OH this must mean I should call HER, to show her that I am still

a good daughter... " Forget that! Instead, every day I ask myself, " do you

feel like talking to your mom? " And each day the answer is such a peaceful " no " .

I no longer should on myself.... and make myself go prove I am a " good "

daughter. Heck I know I am a good daughter and that honoring who I am.... by not

exposing myself to caustic words.. it what taking care of me is all about

---for now.

>

> In the meantime, I meditate, and read and when I have physical injuries from

doing new things (gardening, dropping skillets on my toe, and falling down while

roller-skating)... instead of wanting reassurance from nada or anyone else, I

am kind to me. I don't whine for attention or tell myself how unlucky I am for

my injuries. I use ice, arnica, my chiropractor when necessary and I take hot

baths when my injuries are ready for that phase of treatment. And I soldier on,

taking special care of me, but not letting the injury be an excuse to retreat

from life too long....

>

>

> In the absence of having to figure out HOW to respond to nada in a way that

does not diminish me.... I finally feel like an adult who can take care of

herself!

> BAnd this past 6 weeks of not hearing nada's voice or even caring what she

thinks of me.... have seemed like the longest, most savory six weeks of my life!

I'm just taking it one day at a time... towards inner peace.

>

> Best,

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you victoria! I am still learning to do that for myself but it sounds

like such a great place to be:) julie

>

> I don't get to post consistently here, and for that I apologize. I read list

digests as much as possible, but I am on an assignment deadline right now.

>

> Still, I want to share something simple, but profound, that is happening in my

life.

>

> I have deliberately and without guilt (for once) chosen to minimize (down as

close to zero contact as feels natural to me) my contact with my nada. I won't

call it no contact, because that feels like it would be too limiting to me right

now. Because I had a mental health relapse right after Thanksgiving, I had to

re-evaluate how I was handling my triggers. My nada told me in the past that I

" had to " share when I went to the hospital. Well, it was interesting to me that

even though I knew I could make my own choices about what I wanted to share, I

still felt like I had to prove something by answering the phone from her, not

long after I had come back from hospital early in December. I've since come to

realize it was self-nurturing for me to keep the story of my relapse something

private, not to be shared with her. I've told friends who really know me and

care about me, when the timing seemed right. It has been interesting, to say the

least, to answer the usual " why " questions. I have a myriad of explanations, but

the story comes out differently for each person I share it with, and I see that

is natural too. Some folks can accept a my evolving understanding. Some would

like to be of help during the crisis, and they too told me to call them next

time it happened. Nooooo, I won't put anyone through that... though I can

understand their caring impulse to want to help me avoid the crisis!

>

> What is really interesting is this: I feel no sadness nor guilt for not

sharing any of the story at all, with my mom. I think this is because I finally

understand that I have built the healthy loving relationships I need. Nada is

not able to participate in such a relationship with me, because her belief

system only allows her to see me as inadequate. If I told her about my relapse,

she would have new reasons to look for me to be inadequate. I don't actually

have the character strength to deal with this, and for once, this is absolutely

OK with me. Why SHOULD an adult daughter have to prove she can defend herself

against her mother? I no longer am willing to laugh off, defend myself or try

to make the relationship better than it is, because all efforts take me circling

around the same drain... being sucked into a state of arrested annoyance. I get

so annoyed that I lose my integrity and my serenity trying to relate to her!

>

> So at last, I am doing the work of my recovery program, the special work of

making amends to myself . To me this means having compassion for me, and taking

time to know who I really am... when I am not finding myself defending my psyche

against nada's Sherman tank nature. I am actually a person who prefers happiness

to being " strong " or " right " .

>

> It may not sound like a lot of time yet, but the last time I made or took a

phone call from nada was the weekend of January 24th. I think she may have

tried to call me since, but I no longer look for private caller to show up on my

caller id. I don't really care if she calls, and it really seems that somehow I

am not around when the phone rings. Or else she is not calling me. In the past,

I would think, " OH this must mean I should call HER, to show her that I am still

a good daughter... " Forget that! Instead, every day I ask myself, " do you

feel like talking to your mom? " And each day the answer is such a peaceful " no " .

I no longer should on myself.... and make myself go prove I am a " good "

daughter. Heck I know I am a good daughter and that honoring who I am.... by not

exposing myself to caustic words.. it what taking care of me is all about

---for now.

>

> In the meantime, I meditate, and read and when I have physical injuries from

doing new things (gardening, dropping skillets on my toe, and falling down while

roller-skating)... instead of wanting reassurance from nada or anyone else, I

am kind to me. I don't whine for attention or tell myself how unlucky I am for

my injuries. I use ice, arnica, my chiropractor when necessary and I take hot

baths when my injuries are ready for that phase of treatment. And I soldier on,

taking special care of me, but not letting the injury be an excuse to retreat

from life too long....

>

>

> In the absence of having to figure out HOW to respond to nada in a way that

does not diminish me.... I finally feel like an adult who can take care of

herself!

> BAnd this past 6 weeks of not hearing nada's voice or even caring what she

thinks of me.... have seemed like the longest, most savory six weeks of my life!

I'm just taking it one day at a time... towards inner peace.

>

> Best,

>