Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 My nada was essentially ---- a lazy pig. She never prepared a meal after I was about 5 years old. My dad told me he would come home from work around 6 pm when I was a toddler and find me and my brother hadn't been fed all day and still in our pajamas. She ate candy, junk and soda. She would eat 2 bags of chips in a day plus several giant hersey bars. She was between 50 and 100 lbs overweight, it fluxuated. I remember her bragging to me, once I reached my full height/size that she weighed 120 pounds at age 20. I'll admit I have never been that slim. I'm about 5 foot 7 and around 145 pounds on me is about a size 6. That works for me just fine. I'm a very curvy, tallish woman with a feminine figure. I'm learning to be good with that. But I'll admit I struggle with my weight and proper nutrition constantly. I sway between anorexia and overeating. Its a source of great shame and I'm working on it. In therapy I'm trying to figure out how to be who I want to be, like who I am etc. Weight is just a symbol of the shame that was inflicted on me. My nada signed me up for cooking lessons with my grandma when I was about 6 years old. She told me she did this so I could learn to cook for her. From then on I made the family meals. My dad and I did it together and we did the shopping. What mom does that??????? Has her 6 year old learn to cook for her??? Specifically she wanted me to learn to make homemade pies for her. There were also times when I was with her that she would starve me. Other times she would try to force food on me. In college, when I was minoring in nutrition and food science, I told her one day that I was full. She said (I do not lie) " eat until you are SATIATED, not full. That means you can stuff yourself until you are satisfied. " I was like what the hell, what a bastardization of a nutrition sound bite!!!!! > > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I > became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of > work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, > it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; > although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. > I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just > curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and > then my conclusion. > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family > of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for > some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned > amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full > belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. > They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny > memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped > putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps > off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 > miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when > I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how > her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very > athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to > restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as > much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably > get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, > and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never > eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a > small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: > " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding > here. " > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food > on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's > not controlled by her. > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us > all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, > or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, > isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating > come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never > made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that > someone will take the food off my plate. > > I'm just pondering... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Can I just say that I had no idea I was typing a subject line that already existed?! Hahahaha, talk about strange coincidences. Now I'm reading the other messages on this thread. > > > > > > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I > > became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of > > work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, > > it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; > > although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. > > I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just > > curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and > > then my conclusion. > > > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family > > of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for > > some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned > > amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full > > belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. > > They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny > > memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped > > putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps > > off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 > > miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when > > I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how > > her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very > > athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to > > restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as > > much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably > > get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, > > and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never > > eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a > > small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: > > " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding > > here. " > > > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food > > on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's > > not controlled by her. > > > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us > > all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, > > or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, > > isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating > > come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never > > made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that > > someone will take the food off my plate. > > > > I'm just pondering... > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I think you're probably right. Possibly you also associate food with love. Your father tried to feed you at least a little, so maybe you associated this as meaning that he was showing love and caring to you. Its hard to imagine a mother who literally starves her children for both affection and food like that. Its beyond cruel. What's even more bizarre is that your father allowed it, it didn't seem abnormal or cruel to him. How these people find and marry each other is what puzzles and amazes me! And why for pity's sake do such disturbed people voluntarily have children? I just can't figure it out. (I also wonder how many " accidental " child deaths are actually due to mistreatment, neglect, and murder by mentally disordered parents?) -Annie > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and then my conclusion. > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding here. " > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's not controlled by her. > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that someone will take the food off my plate. > > I'm just pondering... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 That's horrible. Seems several of our nadas had food control issues RE their kids. Mine was very controlling about what I ate and seemed to enjoy forcing me to eat things I didn't like or didn't want to try. Everything she made was perfect, and I was supposed to like everything she made. I was not allowed to have my own tastes and preferences. Mealtimes became torture sessions. I ended up being underweight as a child because mealtimes were so stressful and upsetting for me, I completely lost my appetite. My throat would close up from stress so that swallowing even a small bite would make me feel like I was choking. I was underweight until I hit puberty, when I finally felt hungry, then I started over-eating/binge eating. I've had a problem with maintaining a proper weight ever since, yo-yoing up and down, up and down, over a period of several years, over and over. Just another reason why those with pds should not be raising kids, in my opinion. They mess up their kids' heads and bodies on several levels. -Annie > > > > > > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I > > became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of > > work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, > > it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; > > although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. > > I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just > > curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and > > then my conclusion. > > > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family > > of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for > > some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned > > amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full > > belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. > > They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny > > memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped > > putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps > > off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 > > miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when > > I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how > > her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very > > athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to > > restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as > > much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably > > get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, > > and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never > > eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a > > small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: > > " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding > > here. " > > > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food > > on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's > > not controlled by her. > > > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us > > all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, > > or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, > > isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating > > come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never > > made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that > > someone will take the food off my plate. > > > > I'm just pondering... > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Annie, You wrote: > Its hard to imagine a mother who literally starves her children for both affection and food like that. Its beyond cruel. What's even more bizarre is that your father allowed it, it didn't seem abnormal or cruel to him. The " father " part of the equation is a huge issue for me, since my dad's behavior of supporting stepnada's verbal and emotional abuse is so incomprehensible to me, and is just as hurtful as the actual abuse. Particularly because dad didn't do this sort of thing before he was married to stepnada. Everyone here KNOWS how irrational nadas can be. But for some reason dad bought into all that. I think you've mentioned before that you read other WTO sites for parents or spouses of bpds, etc. What I'm really curious about--do any dads ever post about how their bpd spouse treats their kids? Are they ever conflicted about this? Does anyone have insights into the inner workings of a dishrag dad? Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 In my father's defense, he probably didn't really notice because he was in the military and away a lot. After he retired he worked for an airline and was also away a lot. When my dad cooked dinner, there was always enough for everyone. I'm not sure he even realized that there wasn't enough food there. I mean, he should have, but that would have required arguments with nada. I dunno, I guess I see him as a victim in all this too. He knows that things were messed up, and he wasn't a perfect parent. > > > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and then my conclusion. > > > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding here. " > > > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's not controlled by her. > > > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that someone will take the food off my plate. > > > > I'm just pondering... > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I find this very interesting about dads too. I have forgiven my dad. I love him, and we have a healthy and close relationship now that he is divorced, and I especially am thankful he married my stepmom who is the closest thing to a real mother I have ever known. I talk to her more than I talk to either of my biological parents. And FYI, she became my stepmom when I was 22, so I was already an adult. =) My father married my nada at age 18. So I think that he was young enough that her behavior screwed with his head. Also, he was away so much, that when he did come home and have dinner with the family, I think he just thought " she must know how much the kids need, since she's with them so much " . I don't blame him for being away; he was serving in the airforce and supporting his family. When he retired, working for an airline was what he had to do to support his family, and he loved the work. We were all teenagers or adults at that point, and I don't blame him for that either. He always made a point to be there to see my performances and concerts, and schedule his work around that--which is tough for an airline pilot. In a way, I think he was conditioned by nada's BPD just like we were. Granted, he was the adult and should have been able to see that something was wrong. But I guess he just thought that their relationship was volatile. You know, sometimes people don't want to see the whole truth, and I can guess that this is true with my dad. He was NOT a dishrag. He fought with nada about how to raise us kids, but always lost. She would hold some threat over his head. And he would have to back down. You know how fighting with a nada is. That's just my take on it all. Perhaps I'm being too forgiving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 , I don't think you're being too forgiving; I think you're being exactly forgiving enough as YOU need, which is the most important part--doing what *you* feel most comfortable with. And I think that's great Holly > > > I find this very interesting about dads too. I have forgiven my dad. I love > him, and we have a healthy and close relationship now that he is divorced, > and I especially am thankful he married my stepmom who is the closest thing > to a real mother I have ever known. I talk to her more than I talk to either > of my biological parents. And FYI, she became my stepmom when I was 22, so I > was already an adult. =) > > My father married my nada at age 18. So I think that he was young enough > that her behavior screwed with his head. Also, he was away so much, that > when he did come home and have dinner with the family, I think he just > thought " she must know how much the kids need, since she's with them so > much " . I don't blame him for being away; he was serving in the airforce and > supporting his family. When he retired, working for an airline was what he > had to do to support his family, and he loved the work. We were all > teenagers or adults at that point, and I don't blame him for that either. He > always made a point to be there to see my performances and concerts, and > schedule his work around that--which is tough for an airline pilot. > > In a way, I think he was conditioned by nada's BPD just like we were. > Granted, he was the adult and should have been able to see that something > was wrong. But I guess he just thought that their relationship was volatile. > You know, sometimes people don't want to see the whole truth, and I can > guess that this is true with my dad. He was NOT a dishrag. He fought with > nada about how to raise us kids, but always lost. She would hold some threat > over his head. And he would have to back down. You know how fighting with a > nada is. > > That's just my take on it all. Perhaps I'm being too forgiving. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 MY nada wouldn't let me eat anything but ONE cookie on Christmas at my father's best friend's house where we went every Christmas Eve. All she had to do was look at me and I would stop what ever I was doing and obey her. In public she never said a word! She prides herself to this day on that and says 'now you have a big mouth and I have to teach you before I die all over again to never disagree with anyone! Always let them have their way or say with you. If they abuse you or get angry with you for any reason, you are to accept it and smile and say THANK YOU. You are never to complain about anything and just go along with what others want you to do or say.' At the age of 8 as I think I have said before my nada took me to our family doctor to put me in diet pills because I was 'five pounds overweight'. I am large boned as she is so the doctor didn't feel I was really overweight at all but nada talked him into giving me amphetamines which made me jumpy, teary, moody and gave me an inability to concentrate in school. My grades dropped from B pluses, B minuses and a few A's to B minuses and C's! I was only able to maintain an A in English which for some reason or other I never needed to study for. Nada didn't care. When I lost the five pounds in a week (she put me on her scale DAILY and sometimes three times a day) and if it fluctuated at all towards the negative, she would beat me when my father wasn't home for 'sneaking food someplace' and wouldn't let me eat the next meal. Since my father was always working and I was an only child, he never knew what was going on of course. When he WAS home, she would let me eat but would put the food ON my plate and I wasn't to touch a morsel more. I am now a BBW and weigh a lot more than I should. I try to lose weight and I do but that Atkins' diet and eating Lean Cuisines do it while I'm on them but when I go out to eat with friends unless I am very careful I gain again so it is a yo yo syndrome for me. I am down to a 2 X now and I WAS a 4X but I am having trouble getting below the 2X. I am very tall and large boned. Some friends think the reason I hold on to the weight is to punish nada as she hates overweight people, but I don't think so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 , I wonder if there was a reason your dad accepted jobs that kept him on the road. Could it be nada? Marilyn, I think you are beautiful!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 oH Oh Oh my goodness that is torture indeed. GRRR I want to slap your NADA with a stinking rotten frozen fish or make her stand on the naughty scales in the corner until she begs your forgiveness. It's taken me over 20 years to try and learn how to make basic decisions as an adult as I was so brainwashed like you to just do the thing that NADA instigated/controlled. Maybe the eating thing is just a part of that whole learning what you want to do, because you can, because it's not up to her anymore! it's your choice! I see that as positive! When I was under NADAs rule as a kid i was on every bizarre diet, anorexic/bulimic behaviour. Now I just eat what I want when I want and there is NO guilt as I am responsible for me. Some of the eating we do post-NADA is nurturing and giving a gift to ourselves,taking care of ourselves, especially if the NADAs used food/withdrawal to punish / abandon us. I think the food abuse issues can be the hardest of all to forgive and relearn as we all need food just to survive, so every day can be a continual inescapable wretched reminder of the NADA tyranny. It sounds like you are doing absolutely bloody brilliantly you amazing human being!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I don't go to those sites very often anymore, because it was starting to trigger me that here were guys (mostly) posting about the emotional and sometimes physical abuse they were enduring from their wife or live-in girlfriend, and they'd go on and on about how they, themselves, the adult non-pd partner, was suffering so much... and then sort of casually and briefly they might mention something about " ...and I'm worried about the kids... " and then continue with their own issues RE the abuse from their bpd partner/spouse that they were trying to deal with. So, my overriding impression at the " partner/spouse " sites is that the non-pd partner or spouse appears to be more concerned about their own feelings and needs as opposed to what kinds of damage are being done to their kids. The partner or spouse will post how they are still " in love " with their pd spouse (often sounding very much the way an addict sounds, needing the bpd partner in spite of the abuse) and looking for ways to " cure " her or him, or techniques for handling boundary-setting with the bpd spouse, or wondering if its time to leave their bpd spouse for their own mental health. The kids, if there are any, are just sort of in the background, like scenery or props. But that's just my impression. -Annie > Its hard to imagine a mother who literally starves her children for both affection and food like that. Its beyond cruel. What's even more bizarre is that your father allowed it, it didn't seem abnormal or cruel to him. > > The " father " part of the equation is a huge issue for me, since my dad's behavior of supporting stepnada's verbal and emotional abuse is so incomprehensible to me, and is just as hurtful as the actual abuse. Particularly because dad didn't do this sort of thing before he was married to stepnada. Everyone here KNOWS how irrational nadas can be. But for some reason dad bought into all that. > > I think you've mentioned before that you read other WTO sites for parents or spouses of bpds, etc. What I'm really curious about--do any dads ever post about how their bpd spouse treats their kids? Are they ever conflicted about this? Does anyone have insights into the inner workings of a dishrag dad? > > Jill > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 {my stints with binge eating come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that someone will take the food off my plate.} that makes sense, . I feel bad for her stepson, sheesh. I hope he gets his fill of food! 1200 calories isn't even enough for me, I can imagine for a growing kid. my mother's food issue was that if we said no to her food or to a second helping, she would respond, " NO???!!!?? " as though we had personally attacked and offended her. Food was love for her. She made too much and liked seeing me fat. Then she would make comments and make fun of how fat I was. If i started exercising, she would make lots of desserts, etc. that I liked to tempt me. When I would reject them completely and she would see me progress in my goals, she would almost like get mad that I was doing well. Sick. I'm glad you've overcome your food issues, . It's still such a challenge for me, esp the emotional eating. Just when I think I've conquered it, a really stressful event will do me in and I cave to a bag of chips and then descend from there. Fiona > > When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I became a binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of work to get the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, it has never affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; although it hasn't helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. I realized recently what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just curious if anyone else experienced this. So here are a few memories, and then my conclusion. > > Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family of five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for some reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned amongst 5 people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full belly, and quite often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. They all think that my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny memory, but to me it's a sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped putting my food on my plate at all, and would usually just take some scraps off of my father's plate, and my dad tried to save some food for me. > > Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 miles to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when I got there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how her stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as much as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably get by on 1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, and she got a child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never eat a 12-inch sub, and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a small sandwich, even the 6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: " good for you, Mom. I'm an athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding here. " > > Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food on his plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's not controlled by her. > > My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us all to be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, or why would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, isn't she? So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating come from the fact that I was always hungry growing up, because she never made enough food, and now I think there's a subconscious feeling that someone will take the food off my plate. > > I'm just pondering... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Annie, Thank you for sharing your impression. It's the same impression I get from my own father. I do worry about my dad, though. I mean, I think you hit it on the head--my brother and I are pretty much background scenery/props as far as Dad is concerned, and he doesn't really think about us unless we could enhance his life in some way--as in he's feeling lonely and isolated and we could alleviate that if we could just get along with stepnada. He definitely spends a lot of time thinking about how to cure stepnada or make her better--for example he says, " She clings to these negative impressions of people. I just need to find a way to help her let go of grudges... " And he counsels me how to behave around her, basically giving me tips on being a better co-dependent eggshell-walker. His whole schtick is about controlling her misbehavior. He spends most of his waking moments making sure something in her environment won't set her off, and the stress of it is showing on him. I have a friend with an alcoholic son who has spent significant chunks of her life learning about alcoholism and codependent families. She says that sometimes the co-dependent partner of an alcoholic looks a lot worse than the alcoholic does because they are under so much stress trying to control everything all the time for the alcoholic. This friend wonders if it's the same for my dad, and I think it may be. So here I am worrying a lot about him, when really to him, I'm probably pretty much background scenery. Not quite fair, but there you have it. But I really appreciate your input. Thank you! Jill > Its hard to imagine a mother who literally starves her children for both affection and food like that. Its beyond cruel. What's even more bizarre is that your father allowed it, it didn't seem abnormal or cruel to him. > > > > The " father " part of the equation is a huge issue for me, since my dad's behavior of supporting stepnada's verbal and emotional abuse is so incomprehensible to me, and is just as hurtful as the actual abuse. Particularly because dad didn't do this sort of thing before he was married to stepnada. Everyone here KNOWS how irrational nadas can be. But for some reason dad bought into all that. > > > > I think you've mentioned before that you read other WTO sites for parents or spouses of bpds, etc. What I'm really curious about--do any dads ever post about how their bpd spouse treats their kids? Are they ever conflicted about this? Does anyone have insights into the inner workings of a dishrag dad? > > > > Jill > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 , I can tell you love and appreciate your dad a lot, and I'm glad you've forgiven him. It sounds like you are in a very healthy place in your relationship with him--congratulations! What a wonderful thing. I can definitely understand how being married to a bpd so young would change your way of seeing things. I think my dad was 40 when he got together with my stepnada and it's definitely screwed with his thinking. What concerns me is that he's changed so much--it's like he's lost the essential parts of his identity and now he exists only for stepnada. He'll say things like, " I want to go do X with these people, I really like these people, but your stepnada thinks I should do Y. She's always right about these things so I guess I'll do Y. " And I know she keeps him from seeing my brother and me, too. OK, I'll be realistic: he's making a CHOICE to back down from her and not see us. I have two incredible daughters whom he loves (he's seen them a handful of times). My brother has boys, ages 3 and 5, and I don't think my dad has ever seen them. It's tragic. (They spend a lot of time with HER grandchildren.) And now, stepnada has been telling Dad that he has Alzheimer's, which I suspect is a crock of shit, but it's stressing Dad out. Anyway, I digress. Maybe this last point should be a thread of its own. I really appreciate your comments! Jill > > I find this very interesting about dads too. I have forgiven my dad. I love him, and we have a healthy and close relationship now that he is divorced, and I especially am thankful he married my stepmom who is the closest thing to a real mother I have ever known. I talk to her more than I talk to either of my biological parents. And FYI, she became my stepmom when I was 22, so I was already an adult. =) > > My father married my nada at age 18. So I think that he was young enough that her behavior screwed with his head. Also, he was away so much, that when he did come home and have dinner with the family, I think he just thought " she must know how much the kids need, since she's with them so much " . I don't blame him for being away; he was serving in the airforce and supporting his family. When he retired, working for an airline was what he had to do to support his family, and he loved the work. We were all teenagers or adults at that point, and I don't blame him for that either. He always made a point to be there to see my performances and concerts, and schedule his work around that--which is tough for an airline pilot. > > In a way, I think he was conditioned by nada's BPD just like we were. Granted, he was the adult and should have been able to see that something was wrong. But I guess he just thought that their relationship was volatile. You know, sometimes people don't want to see the whole truth, and I can guess that this is true with my dad. He was NOT a dishrag. He fought with nada about how to raise us kids, but always lost. She would hold some threat over his head. And he would have to back down. You know how fighting with a nada is. > > That's just my take on it all. Perhaps I'm being too forgiving. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Fiona, Thanks for your encouragement, but I haven't " overcome " them. I am a binge eater. It's sort of like an addiction. I'm learning to deal with it. And the healthier I get dealing with my nada issues, the less I need to binge eat. Isn't that funny? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 - Funny, yes, and completely familiar. In the past year and a half since the " BPD lightbulb " went off and I started realizing the impact my Nada's mental illness had on my entire family, I've finally - FINALLY - been able to disconnect food from emotion. It's been work, but not impossible. I live in fear that I'll fall off the diet and exercise wagon, but I have to say it is so much easier this time around - I'm not sabotaging myself. Any time I start questioning whether my new boundaries are too cruel to Nada, I just look in my closet and realize that none of those clothes would have fit me a year ago, my knees don't hurt these days, I have some energy, and I no longer feel that I'm making myself seriously ill. For me, the LC/NC decision was truly a matter of my own survival - mentally and physically. I feel sorry for my mother, but I'll be damned if I'll throw my health and future under the bus of her madness. > > Fiona, > > Thanks for your encouragement, but I haven't " overcome " them. I am a binge eater. It's sort of like an addiction. I'm learning to deal with it. And the healthier I get dealing with my nada issues, the less I need to binge eat. Isn't that funny? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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