Nada and food

[Guest guest]

When I left home and went to college, I developed a weight problem. I became a

binge eater. I have, once I recognized the problem, done a lot of work to get

the issue under control, and fortunately, since I'm an athlete, it has never

affected my weight beyond being maybe 10-15lbs overweight; although it hasn't

helped me in reaching my athletic goals, that's for sure. I realized recently

what the source of my binge eating is, and I was just curious if anyone else

experienced this. So here are a few memories, and then my conclusion.

Memory #1: Growing up, my mother never made enough food to serve a family of

five. We certainly could afford to have enough food, but my mother, for some

reason, made only enough for two people. And that had to be portioned amongst 5

people. Being the youngest, I rarely went to bed with a full belly, and quite

often had my food stolen off my plate by my older brothers. They all think that

my brothers stealing the food off my plate is a funny memory, but to me it's a

sad and painful memory. Eventually, I stopped putting my food on my plate at

all, and would usually just take some scraps off of my father's plate, and my

dad tried to save some food for me.

Memory #2: A few years ago, my mother came out to visit. I rode my bike 20 miles

to visit her at my brother's house, and I was considerably hungry when I got

there. So we went to get a subway sandwich. She talked a lot about how her

stepson was eating her out of house and home (he's a tall boy and very

athletic), and how he eats so much. She finds it to be her responsibility to

restrict his caloric intake. She thinks he eats too much and should eat as much

as her: a post-menopausal, completely sedentary woman who can probably get by on

1200 calories a day. When we got to subway, I got a 12 inch sub, and she got a

child's size sub. Then she boasts to me that she could never eat a 12-inch sub,

and (in a " I'm better than you voice) she only needs a small sandwich, even the

6 inch is too big. My response at the time was: " good for you, Mom. I'm an

athlete and just burned 2000 calories riding here. "

Memory #3: She is always angry when my stepbrother gets to have more food on his

plate than she thinks he should have. Or when he gets to eat and it's not

controlled by her.

My interpretation of just these memories is that since nada considers us all to

be just extensions of herself, why would we have different appetites, or why

would she even need to make enough food for us to eat? She's eating, isn't she?

So that should be enough. I think my stints with binge eating come from the fact

that I was always hungry growing up, because she never made enough food, and now

I think there's a subconscious feeling that someone will take the food off my

plate.

I'm just pondering...