Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 When will this constant ache in my chest for a mother end? Just like the issue I had when I posted here about knowing what the right thing to say to my daughter was, I would have done anything for some mother advice from a real mother. I have to admit, though, even if my mother was alive, I was motherless because any issue I ever had was turned around to be about her or she was a big victim. I am so tired of this constant sadness when I see mothers and daughters walking somewhere (or what I would perceive as mothers and daughters) together, spending time together. My mother never once did anything meaningful with me...ever. She never did anything that didn't benefit her. She was always the victim, always the child...I was her mother even when I was 7. I hate it. I always longed for a mom. I am a mother now and in many ways it soothes my soul to give to my children what I never had, but at the same time, it hurts so much to know that inner child in my never received anything from a mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Do you have a T? They reparent you - it really helps. My T has also taught me that I do have a family, of my own creation. > > > > When will this constant ache in my chest for a mother end? Just like the > issue I had when I posted here about knowing what the right thing to say to > my daughter was, I would have done anything for some mother advice from a > real mother. I have to admit, though, even if my mother was alive, I was > motherless because any issue I ever had was turned around to be about her or > she was a big victim. > > I am so tired of this constant sadness when I see mothers and daughters > walking somewhere (or what I would perceive as mothers and daughters) > together, spending time together. My mother never once did anything > meaningful with me...ever. She never did anything that didn't benefit her. > She was always the victim, always the child...I was her mother even when I > was 7. I hate it. I always longed for a mom. > > I am a mother now and in many ways it soothes my soul to give to my > children what I never had, but at the same time, it hurts so much to know > that inner child in my never received anything from a mom. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 , go on a quest to find a surrogate mom. Not a surrogate nada, a surrogate mom. LOL I found a couple for myself. They are the best. They are both neighbors. One is 87 and the other is 80. They are both lovely people and they are so kind to me. We do things together and we have a lot of fun communicating and laughing and sharing. I highly recommend it. It has taken some of the sting out of my lack of relationship with my nada. Hugs, to you! Annie 2 > > > When will this constant ache in my chest for a mother end? Just like the issue I had when I posted here about knowing what the right thing to say to my daughter was, I would have done anything for some mother advice from a real mother. I have to admit, though, even if my mother was alive, I was motherless because any issue I ever had was turned around to be about her or she was a big victim. > > I am so tired of this constant sadness when I see mothers and daughters walking somewhere (or what I would perceive as mothers and daughters) together, spending time together. My mother never once did anything meaningful with me...ever. She never did anything that didn't benefit her. She was always the victim, always the child...I was her mother even when I was 7. I hate it. I always longed for a mom. > > I am a mother now and in many ways it soothes my soul to give to my children what I never had, but at the same time, it hurts so much to know that inner child in my never received anything from a mom. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 YES!!!!! YES!!!!! AND MORE YES!!!!! My experience as a KO only helped me mother well. When I was at a party a few years ago, a stranger came up to me and said: " If I ever have kids, I want them to be like yours. They are nice, well-behaved, confident, and are so comfortable with themselves. What do you do as a parent? " I didn't say it out loud, but my first thought was: I remembered how my parents made me feel. And I never, ever did any of those things. In fact, this evening I went to a restaurant with a friend. I asked the waitress if she was the one who had served my boys and I a month ago. (We were in a couple of times). She said: " Yes. I remember your boys well. They are really good kids, and I don't see that often. I think those boys are great. " I could go on and on and on. Mothering is something I do exceptionally well. Far better than average, according to all of my friends and all of the boys' teachers. The point is, I started parenting from scratch in a lot of ways, but I know how to love. And I'm not BPD. So I researched what I didn't know, and created the kind of mothering I always wanted. In fact, the ability to love sacrificially and strong intuition made me ultra-qualified for parenting, in some ways. It was hard, but it wasn't rocket science. Once you have kids of your own, you will by shocked by one thing: It is really, really difficult to screw it up as bad as nada did. In fact, a person would have to be completely out of her mind to have done such a horrid job. Yeah. You get it. Thanks for asking. Good question! And I'm very proud of you for allowing yourself this grieving period. May it be a season of deep healing, and may you be relieved of this sadness soon. Blessings, Karla > > Just throwing a thought into the wind and seeing what comes back at > me . . . I'm sure this will draw some interesting responses . . . > > Now that I'm finally wrapping my head around not having a " real " > mother, I'm going through a very intense grieving process (hence, > the large number of posts). I'm able to go through the motions (go > to work, walk the dogs, etc), but I cry at the drop of a hat, and I > am finding myself literally aching in my bones for real parents in a > way that I never have before. Still, I am 24, I live 3,000 miles > from my extended family (which doesn't have a whole lot to do with > me anyway), and I have no friends that fit the " mothering " category. > I am pretty much resigned to not having a mother, or a " motherly " > influence. > > That said, there is nothing I value higher in this world than > parenthood, and my husband and I are drawing closer to that time. My > question is: Is it possible to be a good mother if you never had > one? Can you understand and enjoy the parent-child bond if the first > time you have one is when you're the parent? > > Regardless, I need a good, productive round of therapy before I'm > ready -- I know that much. Meanwhile, I'd love to hear any thoughts > y'all might have on the subject. > > The only thing worse than not having children would be to screw them > up as badly as I was. :-P > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 -- No advice. Just hugs. I'm so sorry you are in this grief period. It hurts like blue blazes, doesn't it? Just know you aren't alone and others grieve with you. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) Blessings, Karla > > > When will this constant ache in my chest for a mother end? Just like the issue I had when I posted here about knowing what the right thing to say to my daughter was, I would have done anything for some mother advice from a real mother. I have to admit, though, even if my mother was alive, I was motherless because any issue I ever had was turned around to be about her or she was a big victim. > > I am so tired of this constant sadness when I see mothers and daughters walking somewhere (or what I would perceive as mothers and daughters) together, spending time together. My mother never once did anything meaningful with me...ever. She never did anything that didn't benefit her. She was always the victim, always the child...I was her mother even when I was 7. I hate it. I always longed for a mom. > > I am a mother now and in many ways it soothes my soul to give to my children what I never had, but at the same time, it hurts so much to know that inner child in my never received anything from a mom. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Hi I feel the same way. I just can't let go of it. What I realize now, when I am able, is that I did to my kids the same thing that my nada did to me; rather i set up the same dynamics that i grew up in. especially for my son...that part really sucks... i think i am getting better but realizing the damage that i did and still am doing with them is so awful. have you or anyone had to deal with that pain? i didn't realize it all. i thought i was so different from her but the difference was superficial. i wasn't even aware and still to this day notice things..those internalize parents....in my thoughts and actions....  Felicia Ward Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to compromise. ________________________________ To: wtoadultchildren1 Sent: Thu, March 3, 2011 2:22:28 PM Subject: Mothering  When will this constant ache in my chest for a mother end? Just like the issue I had when I posted here about knowing what the right thing to say to my daughter was, I would have done anything for some mother advice from a real mother. I have to admit, though, even if my mother was alive, I was motherless because any issue I ever had was turned around to be about her or she was a big victim. I am so tired of this constant sadness when I see mothers and daughters walking somewhere (or what I would perceive as mothers and daughters) together, spending time together. My mother never once did anything meaningful with me...ever. She never did anything that didn't benefit her. She was always the victim, always the child...I was her mother even when I was 7. I hate it. I always longed for a mom. I am a mother now and in many ways it soothes my soul to give to my children what I never had, but at the same time, it hurts so much to know that inner child in my never received anything from a mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 I appreciate the support. Yes, I do have a therapist and she is fine (when I can see her), but she cant replace a mom for me. I get hit with things about my mother just out of the blue and at random times. I mean, I can be walking in the grocery store and something she said or did hits me. It's like she was always so hostile towards me and no matter what I did or said to try to keep things smoothe. Today, I walked in from the grocery store and something hit me that I hadn't forgotten, but try to put out of my mind. I remember once my mother got up ranting about the house being a mess and stormed out the door leaving me home alone. I was 11, I think. While she was gone, I cleaned the house -- or what I perceived to be cleaning -- which included washing the dishes in cold water (I didn't know it was supposed to be hot). I thought I did a great thing and she would be happy that I had cleaned the house. I was dead wrong. Instead, when she got home, she started ordering me around and screamed at me for washing dishes and told me how nothing was where it was supposed to do and I figured I had just done something so horribly wrong. And now here I am, an adult, with kids of my own, and I couldn't even fathom doing or saying the things to anyone, let alone my children, that my mother said to me. And it's hard. I just can't seem to get past all this crap and right when I think I've made steps in the right direction, I get knocked down again. I hate it. I just want to enjoy my life and I feel like I'm stuck in this place of living in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 ((((())))) I know what you mean. There is something so horribly memorable about being screamed at and denigrated when all you wanted to do was please your mother: try to make her happy, at least for a while, with a surprise. A genuine gift from the heart to show her how much you loved her and wanted her to be happy. A little kid cleaning the whole house by herself, without even being asked? That was such a sweet and thoughtful and truly caring thing for you to do. YOU heard her complaint, YOU responded with compassion and human empathy for her frustration and sadness, and you tried to help her and make her feel better. And it got you screamed at, denigrated, and traumatized, and probably badly confused as well. And shamed. Like someone posted earlier: a normal, relatively mentally healthy mom's worst day is better than a personality-disordered mom's best day. Its that clear of a difference. These individuals are just, very sadly, too mentally ill to be raising a child. Being screamed at for being NICE, and THOUGHTFUL, for God's sake??!! Its just unconscionable. Truly. Another red flag at just how disturbed these people are, and how badly kids need to be saved from daily doses of this kind of emotional abuse. -Annie > > > I appreciate the support. Yes, I do have a therapist and she is fine (when I can see her), but she cant replace a mom for me. > > I get hit with things about my mother just out of the blue and at random times. I mean, I can be walking in the grocery store and something she said or did hits me. It's like she was always so hostile towards me and no matter what I did or said to try to keep things smoothe. > > Today, I walked in from the grocery store and something hit me that I hadn't forgotten, but try to put out of my mind. I remember once my mother got up ranting about the house being a mess and stormed out the door leaving me home alone. I was 11, I think. While she was gone, I cleaned the house -- or what I perceived to be cleaning -- which included washing the dishes in cold water (I didn't know it was supposed to be hot). I thought I did a great thing and she would be happy that I had cleaned the house. > > I was dead wrong. Instead, when she got home, she started ordering me around and screamed at me for washing dishes and told me how nothing was where it was supposed to do and I figured I had just done something so horribly wrong. > > And now here I am, an adult, with kids of my own, and I couldn't even fathom doing or saying the things to anyone, let alone my children, that my mother said to me. And it's hard. I just can't seem to get past all this crap and right when I think I've made steps in the right direction, I get knocked down again. > > I hate it. > I just want to enjoy my life and I feel like I'm stuck in this place of living in the past. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks Annie. I am just now realizing how my mother kept me quiet. I think it has been a mystery to me because I have to wondered why i didn't tell someone or say something that caused red flags. I am wondering it even more now because I have 2 sons and a daughter. All three of my kids tell everyone under the sun and moon what goes on in our house and we laugh about it because my daughter especially will tell things like, " My mom hit her head on the cabinet this morning and said the d-word " .. And dare I ever say " don't tell daddy, momma got pulled over for speeding.. " because you can bet that will be the very first thing they inform their daddy of when he walks in.LOL. That's a small example, but even their teachers tell me they hear everything that goes on the homes of their students. And you know, I don't even care. Okay, well, I do care that my 6 year old told his first grade teacher that his mommy 'went to jail' when all I got was a speeding ticket. We did find out that he associated a cop pulling me over for speeding as 'jail' and yes, it was funny later, but an uncomfortable moment when his teacher asked me about it. Said she couldn't imagine me going to jail and she knew there had to be a explanation. I wasn't sure whether I should be upset he said it or glad he didn't know what real jail was! Anyway, I'm off topic, but I realize why I didn't say anything about my childhood. I was blamed. I was shamed. I was beaten down (verbally). I truly thought I was a weirdo, stupid, and people would think I was " abnormal " if I didn't tow the line. i rarely got to do anything away from my mother's watchful eye and she gave me that " shut up or I'll kill you when you get home " look. She made me lie to people about my homelife, convicing me that people didn't need to know what went on in our private life. She would scream, rant, and rave, and verbally assault me for even laughing too loud. I couldn't do anything that was normal in her eyes. Personally, I think I acted like an abused child. I have been a foster parent and I know how a child acts when they have been abused. That is exactly how I acted. Withdrawn, socially abnormal, painfully timid. My mother constantly told me I wasn't acting normal and to stop acting like a weirdo. Then when I'd stand there like, " What am I doing? " she would reply with, " SEE YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!! " and my father would stand there like he didn't know what to say and agree with her. I dunno. I dont mean to write a book. I guess I need some venue to get all this out and maybe I should start a blog. Re: Mothering ((((())))) I know what you mean. There is something so horribly memorable about being screamed at and denigrated when all you wanted to do was please your mother: try to make her happy, at least for a while, with a surprise. A genuine gift from the heart to show her how much you loved her and wanted her to be happy. A little kid cleaning the whole house by herself, without even being asked? That was such a sweet and thoughtful and truly caring thing for you to do. YOU heard her complaint, YOU responded with compassion and human empathy for her frustration and sadness, and you tried to help her and make her feel better. And it got you screamed at, denigrated, and traumatized, and probably badly confused as well. And shamed. Like someone posted earlier: a normal, relatively mentally healthy mom's worst day is better than a personality-disordered mom's best day. Its that clear of a difference. These individuals are just, very sadly, too mentally ill to be raising a child. Being screamed at for being NICE, and THOUGHTFUL, for God's sake??!! Its just unconscionable. Truly. Another red flag at just how disturbed these people are, and how badly kids need to be saved from daily doses of this kind of emotional abuse. -Annie > > > I appreciate the support. Yes, I do have a therapist and she is fine (when I can see her), but she cant replace a mom for me. > > I get hit with things about my mother just out of the blue and at random times. I mean, I can be walking in the grocery store and something she said or did hits me. It's like she was always so hostile towards me and no matter what I did or said to try to keep things smoothe. > > Today, I walked in from the grocery store and something hit me that I hadn't forgotten, but try to put out of my mind. I remember once my mother got up ranting about the house being a mess and stormed out the door leaving me home alone. I was 11, I think. While she was gone, I cleaned the house -- or what I perceived to be cleaning -- which included washing the dishes in cold water (I didn't know it was supposed to be hot). I thought I did a great thing and she would be happy that I had cleaned the house. > > I was dead wrong. Instead, when she got home, she started ordering me around and screamed at me for washing dishes and told me how nothing was where it was supposed to do and I figured I had just done something so horribly wrong. > > And now here I am, an adult, with kids of my own, and I couldn't even fathom doing or saying the things to anyone, let alone my children, that my mother said to me. And it's hard. I just can't seem to get past all this crap and right when I think I've made steps in the right direction, I get knocked down again. > > I hate it. > I just want to enjoy my life and I feel like I'm stuck in this place of living in the past. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 I think you've hit on the dynamic, exactly. The child who is constantly criticized by an irritable, controlling, un-pleasable parent has no choice but to believe that this is happening to her *because she deserves it* for being " weird " , bad, not perfect enough, etc., and she feels deep shame for this. " There must be something very badly wrong with me, " thinks the child of the bpd parent, " otherwise my mother would love me. " (And how much more would this seem true, if the child has a sibling whom her mother dotes on and treats like a little prince or princess? The scapegoated child would draw NO other conclusion that its only due to her own defectiveness or badness.) The abused/unloved child feels *so deeply ashamed* of having somehow earned this demeaning treatment, that she does not bring it up to anyone who could help her. If your own mother doesn't love you and thinks you're a horrible, weird, repulsive, bad person, why would anyone else be kinder to you than your own mother? Or, if some adult is kind to you occasionally, the abused child would believe they're probably only doing so out of pity. Not because you, as an individual little person, deserve love and kindness, but because that's the way this particular person treats mangy, stray dogs and cats.) So the abused child is in a deep well of distorted reality and without intervention its nearly impossible for her to climb out of it by herself. And yet, growing up feeling like an unworthy, degraded form of humanity did not turn you into a borderline pd person. Instead, you are a good mother with happy, healthy, self-confident children and you've even taken in foster children to love and care for. You are an awesome human being! This is another indicator to me that there must be some kind of genetic " bullet " that some of us children of bpd parents somehow, miraculously, dodged. You grew up in an invalidating, abusive environment: denigration and shame were routinely inflicted on you as a helpless child, yet, in SPITE of such abuse you grew up to be an empathetic, compassionate, kind and loving mother to your own children. I hope a cure will be found for personality disorder soon; hopefully gene therapy can repair those damaged genetic switches that control empathy and compassion: turn those on, and turn off the genes controlling the cognitive distortion, the negative filtering, the narcissism, the emotional dysregulation, the inability to see a child as a fellow human being with feelings. We can only hope. -Annie > > > Thanks Annie. I am just now realizing how my mother kept me quiet. I think it has been a mystery to me because I have to wondered why i didn't tell someone or say something that caused red flags. I am wondering it even more now because I have 2 sons and a daughter. All three of my kids tell everyone under the sun and moon what goes on in our house and we laugh about it because my daughter especially will tell things like, " My mom hit her head on the cabinet this morning and said the d-word " .. And dare I ever say " don't tell daddy, momma got pulled over for speeding.. " because you can bet that will be the very first thing they inform their daddy of when he walks in.LOL. > > That's a small example, but even their teachers tell me they hear everything that goes on the homes of their students. And you know, I don't even care. Okay, well, I do care that my 6 year old told his first grade teacher that his mommy 'went to jail' when all I got was a speeding ticket. We did find out that he associated a cop pulling me over for speeding as 'jail' and yes, it was funny later, but an uncomfortable moment when his teacher asked me about it. Said she couldn't imagine me going to jail and she knew there had to be a explanation. I wasn't sure whether I should be upset he said it or glad he didn't know what real jail was! > > Anyway, I'm off topic, but I realize why I didn't say anything about my childhood. I was blamed. I was shamed. I was beaten down (verbally). I truly thought I was a weirdo, stupid, and people would think I was " abnormal " if I didn't tow the line. i rarely got to do anything away from my mother's watchful eye and she gave me that " shut up or I'll kill you when you get home " look. She made me lie to people about my homelife, convicing me that people didn't need to know what went on in our private life. She would scream, rant, and rave, and verbally assault me for even laughing too loud. I couldn't do anything that was normal in her eyes. > > Personally, I think I acted like an abused child. I have been a foster parent and I know how a child acts when they have been abused. That is exactly how I acted. Withdrawn, socially abnormal, painfully timid. My mother constantly told me I wasn't acting normal and to stop acting like a weirdo. Then when I'd stand there like, " What am I doing? " she would reply with, " SEE YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!! " and my father would stand there like he didn't know what to say and agree with her. > > I dunno. I dont mean to write a book. I guess I need some venue to get all this out and maybe I should start a blog. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 Annie, You always know the right things to say. I wish I could word things like you do. Believe me, I have questioned many times if I have BPD (and I can see my t banging her head against the wall now), but I've never questioned it when it comes to my own parenting. I've mostly questioned it because I get very attached to motherly people and then end up feeling hurt by it. Anyway, as for my parenting, my t is always pointing to that as my indicator that I'm not bpd (she has seen my kids too). It literally makes me ill to picture my children in my childhood for even 5 minutes alone. They would be so traumatized. I don't have any super secrets to parenting. I have done both what felt natural and logical to me and that was to use positive parenting techniques. I learned from both watching other people with their kids (throwing the bad out sometimes and taking the good in) and reading a lot of books on positive parenting and giving them logical concequences instead of punitive. Years ago I posted on AOL message boards about parenting and I learned a whole lot from nonspanking parents before I ever had kids. I know I'm not a perfect parent. I have learned the hard way sometimes and made mistakes. My almost 13 year old son has an attitude that puts me 2 clicks away from putting him on ebay sometimes -- kidding, of course. About the ebay, not the attitude. I've made mistakes. For a long time, I over indulged my kids because any type of consequence for them felt like abuse to me. I had to get through that and it was a lot of tears and therapy in order to do it and it's another reason I chose positive parenting because it doesn't feel abusive (even though I logically know putting a child in their room is not abuse...watching them hang their heads and walk out of the room broke my heart and I'd end up not following through). I think the biggest difference is that when I make a mistake, I am not afraid to admit it and apologize to my children. My mother wouldn't have been caught dead apologizing to me. I try to make sure I communicate with them about age appropriate things and let them be independent without hovering while making sure they know they can come to me at any time. I admit the hovering part is hard not to do. I had the situation with my daughter and came here for help (and you all did great, thank you!). Sometimes I need that extra encouragement from my therapist that it's all okay and I'm doing it right. I love my kids so much. I cant imagine parenting another way. They each have their own personalities and their own likes and dislikes. I could go on all day about how I am constantly reassuring them that they can have their own choices because my daughter tends to like everything I like and wants to mimic things I am interested in. Which is fine, but I know my mother never gave me the choice to be my own person and I want to assure her that it's okay to like things I don't like or want to do things that don't interest me. I think she has the message. Today she informed me she hated the Little House on the Prairie series books I got her after I told her how much I loved them as a child. Little House books are now put up for grandkids, lol. Maybe somebody will want to read them one day! Re: Mothering I think you've hit on the dynamic, exactly. The child who is constantly criticized by an irritable, controlling, un-pleasable parent has no choice but to believe that this is happening to her *because she deserves it* for being " weird " , bad, not perfect enough, etc., and she feels deep shame for this. " There must be something very badly wrong with me, " thinks the child of the bpd parent, " otherwise my mother would love me. " (And how much more would this seem true, if the child has a sibling whom her mother dotes on and treats like a little prince or princess? The scapegoated child would draw NO other conclusion that its only due to her own defectiveness or badness.) The abused/unloved child feels *so deeply ashamed* of having somehow earned this demeaning treatment, that she does not bring it up to anyone who could help her. If your own mother doesn't love you and thinks you're a horrible, weird, repulsive, bad person, why would anyone else be kinder to you than your own mother? Or, if some adult is kind to you occasionally, the abused child would believe they're probably only doing so out of pity. Not because you, as an individual little person, deserve love and kindness, but because that's the way this particular person treats mangy, stray dogs and cats.) So the abused child is in a deep well of distorted reality and without intervention its nearly impossible for her to climb out of it by herself. And yet, growing up feeling like an unworthy, degraded form of humanity did not turn you into a borderline pd person. Instead, you are a good mother with happy, healthy, self-confident children and you've even taken in foster children to love and care for. You are an awesome human being! This is another indicator to me that there must be some kind of genetic " bullet " that some of us children of bpd parents somehow, miraculously, dodged. You grew up in an invalidating, abusive environment: denigration and shame were routinely inflicted on you as a helpless child, yet, in SPITE of such abuse you grew up to be an empathetic, compassionate, kind and loving mother to your own children. I hope a cure will be found for personality disorder soon; hopefully gene therapy can repair those damaged genetic switches that control empathy and compassion: turn those on, and turn off the genes controlling the cognitive distortion, the negative filtering, the narcissism, the emotional dysregulation, the inability to see a child as a fellow human being with feelings. We can only hope. -Annie > > > Thanks Annie. I am just now realizing how my mother kept me quiet. I think it has been a mystery to me because I have to wondered why i didn't tell someone or say something that caused red flags. I am wondering it even more now because I have 2 sons and a daughter. All three of my kids tell everyone under the sun and moon what goes on in our house and we laugh about it because my daughter especially will tell things like, " My mom hit her head on the cabinet this morning and said the d-word " .. And dare I ever say " don't tell daddy, momma got pulled over for speeding.. " because you can bet that will be the very first thing they inform their daddy of when he walks in.LOL. > > That's a small example, but even their teachers tell me they hear everything that goes on the homes of their students. And you know, I don't even care. Okay, well, I do care that my 6 year old told his first grade teacher that his mommy 'went to jail' when all I got was a speeding ticket. We did find out that he associated a cop pulling me over for speeding as 'jail' and yes, it was funny later, but an uncomfortable moment when his teacher asked me about it. Said she couldn't imagine me going to jail and she knew there had to be a explanation. I wasn't sure whether I should be upset he said it or glad he didn't know what real jail was! > > Anyway, I'm off topic, but I realize why I didn't say anything about my childhood. I was blamed. I was shamed. I was beaten down (verbally). I truly thought I was a weirdo, stupid, and people would think I was " abnormal " if I didn't tow the line. i rarely got to do anything away from my mother's watchful eye and she gave me that " shut up or I'll kill you when you get home " look. She made me lie to people about my homelife, convicing me that people didn't need to know what went on in our private life. She would scream, rant, and rave, and verbally assault me for even laughing too loud. I couldn't do anything that was normal in her eyes. > > Personally, I think I acted like an abused child. I have been a foster parent and I know how a child acts when they have been abused. That is exactly how I acted. Withdrawn, socially abnormal, painfully timid. My mother constantly told me I wasn't acting normal and to stop acting like a weirdo. Then when I'd stand there like, " What am I doing? " she would reply with, " SEE YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!! " and my father would stand there like he didn't know what to say and agree with her. > > I dunno. I dont mean to write a book. I guess I need some venue to get all this out and maybe I should start a blog. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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