Is there anything I like about my mother?

[Guest guest]

Oh I love the way you think, Annie! Those are some good tactics =)

Mia

On Sun, Mar 13, 2011 at 3:14 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I thought of another strategy: Just start gradually doing things around

> your home that your nada finds irritating. (Even if you find them irritating

> too; this is a strategic tactic.)

>

> If nada likes it quiet, start listening to music or talk radio all the

> time, and crank it up loud. If nada likes the temperature to be on the cool

> side, set the thermostat higher. If she likes things neat and clean, make a

> lot of mess. If nada likes talking to you non-stop, just start talking over

> her and interrupting her as though you don't hear her. If nada only likes

> certain foods, start serving her exotic new foods. Tell nada your washer and

> drier have broken so that she will have to wash stuff by hand. If nada is

> allergic to cats, then your dear friend X has asked you a favor: " Say Hello

> to kitty, nada: he's staying with us for a while. " If there is an air

> freshener she doesn't like, that is now your favorite air freshener.

>

> Spend as little time with nada as possible; you suddenly develop a busy

> social life and/or work life that is taking up all your free time.

>

> You've probably been going out of your way to make nada feel comfortable

> and welcome, so, start doing the opposite.

>

> Make nada long desperately to return to her own home where she can have

> things her own way.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

Those really are some great ideas/suggestions. Unfortunately, in the case of my

mother they will not really work. I am a medical student and she knows that I am

in the thick of school right now (finishing my second year in May), so the

conference idea won't work and even if I convinced her that I have a medical

conference, she would just stay at my home. (Not only is she here, but she has

invited another person to my home for 2 months! I wish I were joking... I really

should write that long post I have been meaning to write about this whole

situation. Hopefully it will be a relief and I won't fall apart while writing.)

I have not made her comfortable. Unfortunately, she makes herself comfortable,

generally while making everyone else very uncomfortable. (Although I doubt she

is ever really comfortable, because she is so angry and miserable almost all the

time.)

As far as pushing her around and making it patently obvious that she's

unwelcome, it will be like stepping onto a huge field of landmines, which will

not only explode now, but will continue exploding for years (she still holds

grudges about things I said/did 20 years ago). I suspect she has touches of NPD

as well, because she has a very fragile ego in a way that is a bit more

characteristic of NPD than BPD.

Thank you for the support, it means so much, and thanks for the ideas, even if

they won't help with my mother right now, they are excellent suggestions for

dealing with difficult people in general.

Arianna

(I am going to try to compose a post for a new thread about this crazy situation

of mine.)

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included above

describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be changed - it

is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do some of the

" good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes for me sometimes,

feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods so I could cook/feed

myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't available to make any food,

etc. She is wise about her money and is a multimillionaire (literally), and I am

very happy about that and grateful to her for managing her finances so well

after my step-dad's death - not because I will ever see a dime of that money

(she has made it amply clear and even shown me her will, I will get nothing,

which is fine by me, honestly) but because at least I don't have to worry about

her being on the street and starving.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to like

someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no peace with

them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the dark clouds of

BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she invited

herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My husband moved to

another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find work after we moved

for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making it through my second

year of medical school on our own. We were managing quite well - I am a fairly

efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I cook healthy food daily, we

make sure the kids get plenty of help with homework and attention both from me

and from my husband via Skype, our clothes are clean, our home environment is

very peaceful and full of unconditional love where everyone feels safe and

validated, and I even manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a

week " dessert days " , and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every

week to clean the floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about

things being tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was

absolutely hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I

refused, because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything, and

when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will make it into

a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she realized that she

wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for help, she came at me

directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told her " NO " , emphatically and

repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny aside: a close friend of mine

suggested not picking her up from the airport! haha...))

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been meaning

to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I start I feel

like I might break down while writing it and I just can't afford to break down

right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future are on the line. The

point is that even when she is seemingly trying to " help " me, she brings so much

toxic energy that it takes twice as much effort to survive her than it would

have taken to do (myself) whatever task it is she is trying to do to help. This

makes it very hard (if not impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even

when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Arianna:  I hope you find time to post because I would be really

interested. 

Sorry if this is a weird analogy but I can't help thinking about there already

being the " camel's nose in the tent " - such a wacky visual (courtesy of

my Republican uncle complaining about health care), but in your case your mom

is

already in the tent, so to speak. You have a tougher situation than just turning

up the heat when she arrives.  BUT, I htink Annies has a good point that there

may be subtle things you can do to set limits. She's in the comfort zone. My

mother is a total drama queen not unlke yours - super, hyper sensitive (do this,

do that, me, me, me) - but when I told her it's not business as usual because

her behavior was going to cause my brother to have a divorce, she stopped dead

in her tracks. Your mother can control her behavior, you just need to set limits

and consequences for bad behavior...and I think that's what Annie is suggesting.

You may be totally unaware of it, but she seems to be in control of your

environment. dw

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, March 13, 2011 4:12:57 PM

Subject: Re: Is there anything I like about my mother?

 

Dear Annie,

Those really are some great ideas/suggestions. Unfortunately, in the case of my

mother they will not really work. I am a medical student and she knows that I am

in the thick of school right now (finishing my second year in May), so the

conference idea won't work and even if I convinced her that I have a medical

conference, she would just stay at my home. (Not only is she here, but she has

invited another person to my home for 2 months! I wish I were joking... I really

should write that long post I have been meaning to write about this whole

situation. Hopefully it will be a relief and I won't fall apart while writing.)

I have not made her comfortable. Unfortunately, she makes herself comfortable,

generally while making everyone else very uncomfortable. (Although I doubt she

is ever really comfortable, because she is so angry and miserable almost all the

time.)

As far as pushing her around and making it patently obvious that she's

unwelcome, it will be like stepping onto a huge field of landmines, which will

not only explode now, but will continue exploding for years (she still holds

grudges about things I said/did 20 years ago). I suspect she has touches of NPD

as well, because she has a very fragile ego in a way that is a bit more

characteristic of NPD than BPD.

Thank you for the support, it means so much, and thanks for the ideas, even if

they won't help with my mother right now, they are excellent suggestions for

dealing with difficult people in general.

Arianna

(I am going to try to compose a post for a new thread about this crazy situation

of mine.)

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included above

>describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be changed - it

>is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do some of the

> " good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes for me

sometimes,

>feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods so I could cook/feed

>myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't available to make any food,

>etc. She is wise about her money and is a multimillionaire (literally), and I

am

>very happy about that and grateful to her for managing her finances so well

>after my step-dad's death - not because I will ever see a dime of that money

>(she has made it amply clear and even shown me her will, I will get nothing,

>which is fine by me, honestly) but because at least I don't have to worry about

>her being on the street and starving.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to like

>someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no peace with

>them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the dark clouds of

>BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she invited

>herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My husband moved to

>another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find work after we moved

>for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making it through my second

>year of medical school on our own. We were managing quite well - I am a fairly

>efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I cook healthy food daily, we

>make sure the kids get plenty of help with homework and attention both from me

>and from my husband via Skype, our clothes are clean, our home environment is

>very peaceful and full of unconditional love where everyone feels safe and

>validated, and I even manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a

>week " dessert days " , and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every

>week to clean the floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about

>things being tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was

>absolutely hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I

>refused, because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

>attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything, and

>when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will make it

into

>a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she realized that she

>wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for help, she came at me

>directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told her " NO " , emphatically and

>repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny aside: a close friend of mine

>suggested not picking her up from the airport! haha...))

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

>frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been

meaning

>to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I start I feel

>like I might break down while writing it and I just can't afford to break down

>right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future are on the line. The

>point is that even when she is seemingly trying to " help " me, she brings so

much

>toxic energy that it takes twice as much effort to survive her than it would

>have taken to do (myself) whatever task it is she is trying to do to help. This

>makes it very hard (if not impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even

>when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Our nadas must be sisters. Miserable, unhappy and mean but a hard worker. I was

thinking the other day too that I never learned anything from mine either. It is

like I have to figure everything out for myself.

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, March 13, 2011 12:11:45 PM

Subject: Re: Is there anything I like about my mother?

 

Mia,

Do we have the same nada?! Mine is exactly the same, bitter, mean, sad,unhappy,

but definitely a hard worker. In fact, that hard working part is the only thing

I learned from her, and unfortunately, it has turned into a bad thing for me.

You can't just be a hard worker for the sake of working hard. You have to take

pleasure in your work, and be proud of it. And not let others diminish it. I

could go on and on about how her " hard working " nature has affected me.

The other thing I wanted to add is that I did not learn anything from my nada.

She never taught me anything--anything specific or about life. You know how

people say: my mother always taught me... I have nothing to say after that

ellipses. Definitely with my dad, I can say he taught me a lot of things and

still does.

[Guest guest]

Wow, your nada is very domineering, isn't she!

My question is:

What is the absolutely worse case scenario, the worst possible thing that could

happen if you gently told her that you have enjoyed seeing her but you need your

space back now, and you've arranged for her to depart on X date?

*Would she make a suicide threat?

Then call 911; she needs a psych evaluation.

*Would she scream at you and call you ugly, hateful names?

Then right away you can leave the room or say to her on the phone, " I won't

listen to you when you call me names and scream at me like that. We can discuss

this some other time when you are calm. 'bye. "

And you do that each and every time she starts up with verbally abusing you.

You don't tolerate that any longer.

Each and every time; you have to be consistent.

The nano-second she starts verbally abusing you, making accusations, calling you

a bad daughter, criticizing you, trying to make you feel guilty

(inappropriately) etc., you just calmly say, " I'm not going to discuss that with

you, mother. Is there something else you want to talk with me about? No? OK,

I'll talk to you later then. 'bye. "

*Would she bad-mouth you to your relatives?

You can't control what she says to your relatives and what your relatives will

choose to believe. If your relatives choose to believe nada, then, so be it.

You can always develop a friendship or relationship with your relatives

separately from nada, if they're willing.

Or, would she do worse things than that?

*Would she stalk you, make threatening phone calls to you, vandalize your

property? Attempt to commit identity theft? Steal from you?

You can document threatening phone calls and letters, take pictures of

vandalized property, pictures of her following you, and you can then get a

restraining order.

*Would she commit slander and libel against you? Call your school and tell them

lies about you in order to ruin your reputation?

You can get a restraining order, and let the appropriate administration/student

services personnel at your school know that they may be receiving odd phone

calls from your mother, against whom you have a restraining order.

So... All this is really all about what you, yourself, are willing to do, and

what you are willing to tolerate.

Your nada isn't going to magically get well and stop abusing you. In fact, it

seems to me that as they age their behaviors seem to get worse. (My nada is now

less able to control her acting out behaviors in public, plus she's starting to

hallucinate.)

So, once you decide what behaviors of hers you can and cannot tolerate or what

you are willing to tolerate, you can establish boundaries for yourself and give

your nada consequences for violating them.

In my opinion, being a good daughter and a good, decent human being has nothing

to do with being a doormat and a punching bag for a mentally ill, abusive

parent.

My opinion is that if you can start to emotionally detach, stop accepting the

inappropriate and misplaced guilt and responsibility for her happiness that

you're carrying, you will be able to set boundaries for yourself and not be

afraid of how your personality-disordered mother will react.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included above

describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be changed - it

is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do some of

the " good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes for me

sometimes, feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods so I could

cook/feed myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't available to make

any food, etc. She is wise about her money and is a multimillionaire

(literally), and I am very happy about that and grateful to her for managing her

finances so well after my step-dad's death - not because I will ever see a dime

of that money (she has made it amply clear and even shown me her will, I will

get nothing, which is fine by me, honestly) but because at least I don't have to

worry about her being on the street and starving.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to like

someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no peace with

them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the dark clouds of

BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she invited

herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My husband moved to

another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find work after we moved

for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making it through my second

year of medical school on our own. We were managing quite well - I am a fairly

efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I cook healthy food daily, we

make sure the kids get plenty of help with homework and attention both from me

and from my husband via Skype, our clothes are clean, our home environment is

very peaceful and full of unconditional love where everyone feels safe and

validated, and I even manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a

week " dessert days " , and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every

week to clean the floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about

things being tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was

absolutely hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I

refused, because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything, and

when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will make it into

a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she realized that she

wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for help, she came at me

directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told her " NO " , emphatically and

repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny aside: a close friend of mine

suggested not picking her up from the airport! haha...))

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been meaning

to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I start I feel

like I might break down while writing it and I just can't afford to break down

right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future are on the line. The

point is that even when she is seemingly trying to " help " me, she brings so much

toxic energy that it takes twice as much effort to survive her than it would

have taken to do (myself) whatever task it is she is trying to do to help. This

makes it very hard (if not impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even

when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Arianna,

How about telling her you've invited an exchange student to stay with you while

they come to your school, and there won't be enough room for her and her

uninvited guest?

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included above

describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be changed - it

is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do some of

the " good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes for me

sometimes, feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods so I could

cook/feed myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't available to make

any food, etc. She is wise about her money and is a multimillionaire

(literally), and I am very happy about that and grateful to her for managing her

finances so well after my step-dad's death - not because I will ever see a dime

of that money (she has made it amply clear and even shown me her will, I will

get nothing, which is fine by me, honestly) but because at least I don't have to

worry about her being on the street and starving.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to like

someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no peace with

them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the dark clouds of

BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she

invited herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My husband

moved to another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find work after

we moved for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making it through my

second year of medical school on our own. We were managing quite well - I am a

fairly efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I cook healthy food daily,

we make sure the kids get plenty of help with homework and attention both from

me and from my husband via Skype, our clothes are clean, our home environment is

very peaceful and full of unconditional love where everyone feels safe and

validated, and I even manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a

week " dessert days " , and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every

week to clean the floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about

things being tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was

absolutely hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I

refused, because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything, and

when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will make it into

a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she realized that she

wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for help, she came at me

directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told her " NO " , emphatically and

repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny aside: a close friend of mine

suggested not picking her up from the airport! haha...))

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been meaning

to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I start I feel

like I might break down while writing it and I just can't afford to break down

right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future are on the line. The

point is that even when she is seemingly trying to " help " me, she brings so much

toxic energy that it takes twice as much effort to survive her than it would

have taken to do (myself) whatever task it is she is trying to do to help. This

makes it very hard (if not impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even

when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If we were voting on this, I'd vote for the " exchange student " strategy.

Brilliant!

-Annie

>

> Arianna,

>

> How about telling her you've invited an exchange student to stay with you

while they come to your school, and there won't be enough room for her and her

uninvited guest?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

This was so amazingly helpful. Your rational breakdown of the different avenues

down which this situation can devolve is absolutely on target!

Normally I can do this sort of calm rational thinking, but when I spend too much

time in her orbit, I start questioning my own sanity and start losing footing.

The sort of re-direction you have given me is extremely helpful and timely.

I am going to post the rest of what I want to say in a separate thread already

(I feel bad for having hijacked this one so much already).

Arianna

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included above

describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be changed - it

is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do some of

the " good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes for me

sometimes, feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods so I could

cook/feed myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't available to make

any food, etc. She is wise about her money and is a multimillionaire

(literally), and I am very happy about that and grateful to her for managing her

finances so well after my step-dad's death - not because I will ever see a dime

of that money (she has made it amply clear and even shown me her will, I will

get nothing, which is fine by me, honestly) but because at least I don't have to

worry about her being on the street and starving.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to like

someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no peace with

them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the dark clouds of

BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she

invited herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My husband

moved to another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find work after

we moved for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making it through my

second year of medical school on our own. We were managing quite well - I am a

fairly efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I cook healthy food daily,

we make sure the kids get plenty of help with homework and attention both from

me and from my husband via Skype, our clothes are clean, our home environment is

very peaceful and full of unconditional love where everyone feels safe and

validated, and I even manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a

week " dessert days " , and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every

week to clean the floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about

things being tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was

absolutely hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I

refused, because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything, and

when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will make it into

a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she realized that she

wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for help, she came at me

directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told her " NO " , emphatically and

repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny aside: a close friend of mine

suggested not picking her up from the airport! haha...))

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been meaning

to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I start I feel

like I might break down while writing it and I just can't afford to break down

right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future are on the line. The

point is that even when she is seemingly trying to " help " me, she brings so much

toxic energy that it takes twice as much effort to survive her than it would

have taken to do (myself) whatever task it is she is trying to do to help. This

makes it very hard (if not impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even

when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I love the exchange student idea!!! Or a nanny would also work. If it were

my nada, I'd have to make up a story about how the nanny was homeless or

something to get her to comply. Wow, I haven't thought about that in years.

Pretend hardship was always my best tool for getting nada to let me do

something - naturally I had to be helping someone in a worse situation than

me. Now I see that I actually was the one in a terrible situation!

On Sun, Mar 13, 2011 at 10:28 PM, Arianna wrote:

>

>

> Dear Annie,

>

> This was so amazingly helpful. Your rational breakdown of the different

> avenues down which this situation can devolve is absolutely on target!

>

> Normally I can do this sort of calm rational thinking, but when I spend too

> much time in her orbit, I start questioning my own sanity and start losing

> footing. The sort of re-direction you have given me is extremely helpful and

> timely.

>

> I am going to post the rest of what I want to say in a separate thread

> already (I feel bad for having hijacked this one so much already).

>

>

> Arianna

>

>

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Dear Annie... the portion of your post I have included

> above describes my life so truthfully that not a single word needs to be

> changed - it is 100% applicable to me.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > My mother is also quite high functioning and she did do

> some of the " good " things that you mention - like making some nice clothes

> for me sometimes, feeding me healthy foods/teaching me about healthy foods

> so I could cook/feed myself (starting at around age 11) when she wasn't

> available to make any food, etc. She is wise about her money and is a

> multimillionaire (literally), and I am very happy about that and grateful to

> her for managing her finances so well after my step-dad's death - not

> because I will ever see a dime of that money (she has made it amply clear

> and even shown me her will, I will get nothing, which is fine by me,

> honestly) but because at least I don't have to worry about her being on the

> street and starving.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > However, like you said, I don't know if it is possible to

> like someone with such an abusive and abrasive personality. There is no

> peace with them, even the few and fleeting happy times are lived under the

> dark clouds of BPD and can never be enjoyed fully.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > She is here at my house right now - a visit for which she

> invited herself, claiming that it is for my " benefit " . (Back story: My

> husband moved to another state for a job (we had no choice, he couldn't find

> work after we moved for me to go to school) while the kids and I are making

> it through my second year of medical school on our own. We were managing

> quite well - I am a fairly efficient, hard-working, and organized person. I

> cook healthy food daily, we make sure the kids get plenty of help with

> homework and attention both from me and from my husband via Skype, our

> clothes are clean, our home environment is very peaceful and full of

> unconditional love where everyone feels safe and validated, and I even

> manage to bake a small batch of cookies for our twice a week " dessert days " ,

> and we have a cleaning lady who comes for 1-2 hours every week to clean the

> floors and bathrooms. I have never complained to anyone about things being

> tough, and I have never said I need any extra help. My mother was absolutely

> hell-bent on trying to get me to " ask " her to come help me, I refused,

> because a) her " help " has so many emotional and psychological strings

> attached that I would rather beg on the street than ask her for anything,

> and when you ask her for a little water to help grow a flower, she will

> make it into a hurricane that destroys everything in its path. When she

> realized that she wouldn't be able to manipulate me into asking her for

> help, she came at me directly and asked me if I needed her " help " . I told

> her " NO " , emphatically and repeatedly. And here she is anyway... (funny

> aside: a close friend of mine suggested not picking her up from the airport!

> haha...))

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Sorry about the long back story... I am so full of BPD-nada

> frustration right now (ever since she got here 2 weeks ago), I have been

> meaning to write a big post about my current situation, but every time I

> start I feel like I might break down while writing it and I just can't

> afford to break down right now, my dreams, my career and my family's future

> are on the line. The point is that even when she is seemingly trying to

> " help " me, she brings so much toxic energy that it takes twice as much

> effort to survive her than it would have taken to do (myself) whatever task

> it is she is trying to do to help. This makes it very hard (if not

> impossible) to appreciate her or her actions, even when she is well-meaning.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > -Arianna

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>