8 years NC

March 5, 2011

Monday is a very special day for me. It marks 8 years to the date of when I

ended my suffocating marriage. Filing for divorce is what lead my parents to

react so negatively and unsupportively (as though I had the word SLUT

emblazoned on my chest) that I went NC. It is the date I celebrate as my NC

anniversary - because I don't know exactly what day I closed the door on my

mother for good - i think it was in May, because she waited about 2 months

before coming to see me to tell me I was a cold bitch, wanted to discuss the

fact that I might date (and that would be bad because a hint that I might be

a sexual person was horrifying and shameful to her, despite her sharing her

sexuality with me when I was in elementary school), and she let me know that

she hadn't called me or been to see me for 2 months after I filed for

divorce because a friend of hers was divorcing and she chose to support the

friend instead of me. And then my father went on to tell me (on a different

day) that " he never ever ever wanted to meet another son in law. " My

response - Ok- YOU won't be meeting him then, ever.

Now I look at it as those behaviors forced me to leave the relationship,

instead of me turning my back on them like the " cold bitch " my mother said I

was.

And the act of leaving a horrible marriage and then closing the door on my

horrible parents - that allowed me to begin healing. I think I still have a

ways to go. But I have come a long way. It was a pretty freaking scary thing

to do. For one thing, I was terrified (even though I had an M.S. degree and

about 5 years work experience plus a recent promotion that lead directly

into my divorce because my ex was threatened by it) that I would flounder

financially and be unable to support myself with neither parents or a

husband to help me. I call BULLSHIT on that belief by the way - what a

shitty thing to teach your high-acheiving daughter.

Any thoughts on how to celebrate? My big idea was to make a special date

with my T, which I did for first thing that morning.

But that hardly seems like enough of a celebration - since this 8th year has

been the best one, when I have made the most progress yet. One thing that is

interesting, is that i tried to maintain a relationship with my dad for

about the first 5 years of NC with nada. It didn't go well. And when I

closed the door on him, about 3 years ago, thats when my life really started

to change and I discovered BPD and a whole new world emerged.

March 5, 2011

Cheers for you!!!!!

>

> Monday is a very special day for me. It marks 8 years to the date of when I

> ended my suffocating marriage. Filing for divorce is what lead my parents to

> react so negatively and unsupportively (as though I had the word SLUT

> emblazoned on my chest) that I went NC. It is the date I celebrate as my NC

> anniversary - because I don't know exactly what day I closed the door on my

> mother for good - i think it was in May, because she waited about 2 months

> before coming to see me to tell me I was a cold bitch, wanted to discuss the

> fact that I might date (and that would be bad because a hint that I might be

> a sexual person was horrifying and shameful to her, despite her sharing her

> sexuality with me when I was in elementary school), and she let me know that

> she hadn't called me or been to see me for 2 months after I filed for

> divorce because a friend of hers was divorcing and she chose to support the

> friend instead of me. And then my father went on to tell me (on a different

> day) that " he never ever ever wanted to meet another son in law. " My

> response - Ok- YOU won't be meeting him then, ever.

>

> Now I look at it as those behaviors forced me to leave the relationship,

> instead of me turning my back on them like the " cold bitch " my mother said I

> was.

>

> And the act of leaving a horrible marriage and then closing the door on my

> horrible parents - that allowed me to begin healing. I think I still have a

> ways to go. But I have come a long way. It was a pretty freaking scary thing

> to do. For one thing, I was terrified (even though I had an M.S. degree and

> about 5 years work experience plus a recent promotion that lead directly

> into my divorce because my ex was threatened by it) that I would flounder

> financially and be unable to support myself with neither parents or a

> husband to help me. I call BULLSHIT on that belief by the way - what a

> shitty thing to teach your high-acheiving daughter.

>

> Any thoughts on how to celebrate? My big idea was to make a special date

> with my T, which I did for first thing that morning.

>

> But that hardly seems like enough of a celebration - since this 8th year has

> been the best one, when I have made the most progress yet. One thing that is

> interesting, is that i tried to maintain a relationship with my dad for

> about the first 5 years of NC with nada. It didn't go well. And when I

> closed the door on him, about 3 years ago, thats when my life really started

> to change and I discovered BPD and a whole new world emerged.

>

March 5, 2011

Wow. Congratulations! As a total dork, my idea of celebration is an afternoon

spent drinking coffee and reading magazines at the nearest bookstore, maybe

followed by a pasta dinner, but I hope whatever you do, you have a great time--

sounds like you really deserve it!

March 5, 2011

Jgar that sounds SUPER fun!!!!! I like quiet celebrations myself.

>

> Wow. Congratulations! As a total dork, my idea of celebration is an

> afternoon spent drinking coffee and reading magazines at the nearest

> bookstore, maybe followed by a pasta dinner, but I hope whatever you do, you

> have a great time-- sounds like you really deserve it!

>

March 5, 2011

Really? Oh God. I m a dork!

Doug

>

> Wow. Congratulations! As a total dork, my idea of celebration is an

afternoon spent drinking coffee and reading magazines at the nearest

bookstore, maybe followed by a pasta dinner, but I hope whatever you do,

you have a great time-- sounds like you really deserve it!

>

March 5, 2011

Wow, little sister. I can now respond to another of your posts. Yes,

your story does sometimes take my breath away. Like this one. My God.

Some more comments intermingled with your post below:

>

> Monday is a very special day for me. It marks 8 years to the date of

when I

> ended my suffocating marriage. Filing for divorce is what lead my

parents to

> react so negatively and unsupportively (as though I had the word SLUT

> emblazoned on my chest) that I went NC.

When did they change? I thought we still used the Scarlet A that Hester

wore. I ll have to watch for that one. ( Is that totally irreverant?

Sorry... )

I was a cold bitch,

You know, no Borderline Mom who s child speaks to them has any f ing

idea what a cold bitch is. Ohhhh shaking with fury here. Insert dirty

word here.

wanted to discuss the

> fact that I might date (and that would be bad because a hint that I

might be

> a sexual person was horrifying and shameful to her, despite her

sharing her

> sexuality with me when I was in elementary school),

Such typical , and well remembered BP behavior. In many behaviors, but

in particular in regards to sexuality, so often my nada would roundly

condemn in others the precise behaviors which she flaunted and engaged

in. I was expected to agree with her that her sister was a slut for

having had intimate relations with at least one man not her husband

after she divorced, but accept the speech, " You know , a woman has

needs, too " ( eww. ) from her about her flaunting those behaviors

herself. I agree, women have sexual lives and needs. But it is none

of my business how they deal with that part of thier lives , unless I am

actively engaged in trying to join them in it! But it is not a topic

for polite conversation between a man and a woman who are not exploring

the topic, and it is absolutely inappropriate conversation from a parent

to child. This holds true no matter what the childs age.

and she let me know that

> she hadn't called me or been to see me for 2 months after I filed for

> divorce because a friend of hers was divorcing and she chose to

support the

> friend instead of me.

Do they all read the same f ing book? Go to Borderline Camp together

and learn the same songs and chants? Crap. So many times my mom did

exactly such things to me. Absurdly, she expected that I would

celebrate how she got involved as a substitute grandmother to stranger '

s kids, while neglecting mine. How very much it is true of us that for

our Borderline mothers, we did not exist unless we were fulfilling a

need for them.

>

> Now I look at it as those behaviors forced me to leave the

relationship,

> instead of me turning my back on them like the " cold bitch " my mother

said I

> was.

Go Girlscout, Go Girlscout, Go Girlscout!

>) that I would flounder

> financially and be unable to support myself with neither parents or a

> husband to help me. I call BULLSHIT on that belief by the way - what a

> shitty thing to teach your high-acheiving daughter.

>

They do teach us a loser mentality. Either that we cannot succeed, or

that they will always need everything we can achieve, so even if we win,

we ll stay in the same poverty because we will, of course , give it all

to them. Success either terrifies us, or seems vastly unreachable.

What an awful thing to do to us,indeed.

> Any thoughts on how to celebrate? My big idea was to make a special

date

> with my T, which I did for first thing that morning.

Damn girl, you re dating your Therapist? Where did you leave that SLUT

sign? ( KO humor. We do have a twisted one, don t we)

> But that hardly seems like enough of a celebration - since this 8th

year has

> been the best one, when I have made the most progress yet. One thing

that is

> interesting, is that i tried to maintain a relationship with my dad

for

> about the first 5 years of NC with nada. It didn't go well. And when I

> closed the door on him, about 3 years ago, thats when my life really

started

> to change and I discovered BPD and a whole new world emerged.

Make the day about YOU. Schedule a day at a spa. Facial, massage,

mani/pedi, new hair. Buy a whole new outfit, top to bottom. Go to

dinner someplace nice, someplace that doesnt use paper napkins and has a

wine list, invite a friend you can share a special day with to meet you,

see a movie, catch a concert.

Indulge. Drink wine, sip coffee, eat chocolate. Embrace JOY!

That is my list of suggestions.

You survived it. You are alive. LIVE!

Doug

March 5, 2011

Thanks Dougee!!!! I think THe SLUT replacing the a was part of my town's

sports teams makeovers. Boy's said " caveman " and the girls said " cave

reallly really small " and " SLUT " " " " really really big. It's been an accepted

practice ever since

I needed that Dougie!!! I really did - 8 years. Did I ever think I would

make it that long. When I started, I had questions like who will I call of

my car breaks down = ez enough - triple a. What if I need financial advice

- well duh, I would be giving it the them not vice versa. What if i need a

ride to or from a medial procedure = oh taxi cab works just fine. . . and on

and on it goes. The one point thats still sticky is finding a dog sitter -

my mother would surely kill my pet before I could pick it up, so that's

never been an option, but it hurt because I watched theres a thousand times.

Wow the sad is sinking in to mix with the proud feelings.

>

> Wow, little sister. I can now respond to another of your posts. Yes,

> your story does sometimes take my breath away. Like this one. My God.

>

> Some more comments intermingled with your post below:

>

> >

> > Monday is a very special day for me. It marks 8 years to the date of

> when I

> > ended my suffocating marriage. Filing for divorce is what lead my

> parents to

> > react so negatively and unsupportively (as though I had the word SLUT

> > emblazoned on my chest) that I went NC.

>

> When did they change? I thought we still used the Scarlet A that Hester

> wore. I ll have to watch for that one. ( Is that totally irreverant?

> Sorry... )

>

> I was a cold bitch,

>

> You know, no Borderline Mom who s child speaks to them has any f ing

> idea what a cold bitch is. Ohhhh shaking with fury here. Insert dirty

> word here.

>

> wanted to discuss the

> > fact that I might date (and that would be bad because a hint that I

> might be

> > a sexual person was horrifying and shameful to her, despite her

> sharing her

> > sexuality with me when I was in elementary school),

>

> Such typical , and well remembered BP behavior. In many behaviors, but

> in particular in regards to sexuality, so often my nada would roundly

> condemn in others the precise behaviors which she flaunted and engaged

> in. I was expected to agree with her that her sister was a slut for

> having had intimate relations with at least one man not her husband

> after she divorced, but accept the speech, " You know , a woman has

> needs, too " ( eww. ) from her about her flaunting those behaviors

> herself. I agree, women have sexual lives and needs. But it is none

> of my business how they deal with that part of thier lives , unless I am

> actively engaged in trying to join them in it! But it is not a topic

> for polite conversation between a man and a woman who are not exploring

> the topic, and it is absolutely inappropriate conversation from a parent

> to child. This holds true no matter what the childs age.

>

> and she let me know that

> > she hadn't called me or been to see me for 2 months after I filed for

> > divorce because a friend of hers was divorcing and she chose to

> support the

> > friend instead of me.

>

> Do they all read the same f ing book? Go to Borderline Camp together

> and learn the same songs and chants? Crap. So many times my mom did

> exactly such things to me. Absurdly, she expected that I would

> celebrate how she got involved as a substitute grandmother to stranger '

> s kids, while neglecting mine. How very much it is true of us that for

> our Borderline mothers, we did not exist unless we were fulfilling a

> need for them.

>

> >

> > Now I look at it as those behaviors forced me to leave the

> relationship,

> > instead of me turning my back on them like the " cold bitch " my mother

> said I

> > was.

>

> Go Girlscout, Go Girlscout, Go Girlscout!

>

> >) that I would flounder

> > financially and be unable to support myself with neither parents or a

> > husband to help me. I call BULLSHIT on that belief by the way - what a

> > shitty thing to teach your high-acheiving daughter.

> >

>

> They do teach us a loser mentality. Either that we cannot succeed, or

> that they will always need everything we can achieve, so even if we win,

> we ll stay in the same poverty because we will, of course , give it all

> to them. Success either terrifies us, or seems vastly unreachable.

> What an awful thing to do to us,indeed.

>

> > Any thoughts on how to celebrate? My big idea was to make a special

> date

> > with my T, which I did for first thing that morning.

>

> Damn girl, you re dating your Therapist? Where did you leave that SLUT

> sign? ( KO humor. We do have a twisted one, don t we)

>

> > But that hardly seems like enough of a celebration - since this 8th

> year has

> > been the best one, when I have made the most progress yet. One thing

> that is

> > interesting, is that i tried to maintain a relationship with my dad

> for

> > about the first 5 years of NC with nada. It didn't go well. And when I

> > closed the door on him, about 3 years ago, thats when my life really

> started

> > to change and I discovered BPD and a whole new world emerged.

>

> Make the day about YOU. Schedule a day at a spa. Facial, massage,

> mani/pedi, new hair. Buy a whole new outfit, top to bottom. Go to

> dinner someplace nice, someplace that doesnt use paper napkins and has a

> wine list, invite a friend you can share a special day with to meet you,

> see a movie, catch a concert.

>

> Indulge. Drink wine, sip coffee, eat chocolate. Embrace JOY!

>

> That is my list of suggestions.

>

> You survived it. You are alive. LIVE!

>

> Doug

>

March 5, 2011

Whoo hoo! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last. How to

celebrate? Well, what represents freedom to you? Is it splashing a little money

around out on the town? Is it making a donation to a group that helps KOs? Is it

taking the day completely off to journal, cook and eat nutritious food and

reflect? Whatever it is, plan it and do it with love and appreciation for

yourself.

AFB

March 5, 2011

the donation is a good idea. i might spend some special time with my id that

day too.

On Sat, Mar 5, 2011 at 8:38 PM, awayfromborderland <

awayfromborderland@...> wrote:

>

> Whoo hoo! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last. How

> to celebrate? Well, what represents freedom to you? Is it splashing a little

> money around out on the town? Is it making a donation to a group that helps

> KOs? Is it taking the day completely off to journal, cook and eat nutritious

> food and reflect? Whatever it is, plan it and do it with love and

> appreciation for yourself.

> AFB

>

March 6, 2011

Congratulations to you! You've made light years of progress in your life. I

bet it feels so far from where you came from. But it's all because of *your*

efforts, and you deserve to celebrate.

Happy Monday.

March 6, 2011

To say goodbye to my past, i bought one of those paper lantens, wrote on it all

my childhood dreams and wishes from a mother which i never had and let it off

into the sky.....