Guest guest Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 http://vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html Anyone know how to self reference like he says in the article? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 That really is a very good article; it states very succinctly and accurately what we discuss here pretty much every day: that emotional abuse is just as toxic, devastating and destructive as other forms of abuse. I think that what the author means by " self referencing " is " gaining objectivity. " He means gaining the ability to step back away from your own subjectivity, your own in-person viewpoint, and observe yourself and the way you interact with your parents and the way they interact with you... from a distance, as though you were observing your neighbors or some strangers interacting with their adult child. When you can gain objectivity/ " self referencing " , you can perceive when or if you are actually being discounted, shamed, controlled, coerced, terrorized, tortured or otherwise abused by your parents. Gaining that objectivity is sometimes perceived as a " light bulb " moment: an epiphany in which the truth suddenly becomes clear. Sometimes the truth revealed is painful: someone who truly loves you does not do such things to you. A long-term pattern of discounting your feelings and thoughts, denigrating you, shaming you, coercing you, using guilt to manipulate you into doing something against your better judgment, etc.... none of these things are acts of love. So true objectivity (aka " self referencing " ) allows the scales to fall from our eyes so that we can see the truth: the raw, unvarnished truth: the personality-disordered parent is (often) incapable of loving her child in what is considered by most people to be a " normal " way. Instead, the kind of " love " shown is horribly abnormal, frightening, inconsistent, self-serving, and destructive to the child's vulnerable, developing psyche. So, " self-referencing " is understanding your own background in an objective way, which allows you to emotionally distance yourself from further abuse and begin to heal. I think I have been able to do this, I think I'm gaining more and more objectivity. Its allowing me to play with the idea that I no longer have to actually take *anything* my mother says to me personally. What she says to me, what she says about me... is really about her and serves her needs first and foremost. I don't have to accept her version of reality any longer. I accept my own version of reality, instead. -Annie > > http://vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html > Anyone know how to self reference like he says in the article? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Wow - GREAT article, GS! Thanks for sharing! > > http://vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html > Anyone know how to self reference like he says in the article? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Excellent article, Girlscout, ty for sharing it. I also agree with Annie's definition of " self referencing " . I think it's just meant to say a way of changing our own thinking, setting up our own boundaries, our own ideas and finding our true self instead of living with the delusions we were constantly given. We are not those horrible things our abusive parents said we were, so I think the author believes that once we can break free of those bonds, we can start to put our own life in perspective. Like I said, Annie said it better lol. Ty again for the article. I bookmarked it. Mia On Sun, Mar 6, 2011 at 10:54 PM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > > > http://vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html > Anyone know how to self reference like he says in the article? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 It's interesting that he talks about self-parenting too. With T, I am working on learning to re-parent myself. It's very difficult because we have learned to continue the cycle of bad parenting within our own psyches. > > > > > > > http://vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html > > Anyone know how to self reference like he says in the article? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Great article! This bit: " If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what " goodness " really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels— " You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say " —only continues the cycle. " about the self-referencing it's like we need to re-brainwash ourselves with new tapes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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