BACK FROM VISITING NADA IN THE HOSPICE CENTER

[Guest guest]

I'm back from visiting nada in the hospice center. My best friend Sue and I

went down to Jersey as most of you know every early Friday morning (we left at

6 am). I was EXHAUSTED already but I had to do it and I'm glad I did.

We found the hospice center with a bit of difficulty but we got there and went

right to see nada. When I saw her, I thought the woman at the desk had told me

the wrong room! She was soooooo small and emaciated - almost like a little

child laying there. She perked up a tiny bit but she didn't have her customary

wig on and she was very weak. Gone was the nada I knew who was extremely

feisty; stubborn to the core; mostly in witch mode and controlling of course.

Her spirit is gone and left in its place is a shell - most of her personality

(even the good parts and yes there are some) is gone. She has SOME fight left

in her but she definitely chooses her battles now carefully and doesn't have the

strength to fight everything any more. Despite our tumultuous relationship as

anyone with a BPD nada or fada can attest to, I started to cry. I didn't want

her to see that so I went out to the hall but as my legs were killing me

(pulled those muscles and sitting for 6 hours in a car isn't good as I stiffen

up), I didn't want to walk all the way down two hallways (you know how

hospitals are and this was no different in that respect) and out to the right of

the front door to the community room to sit alone and cry with my thoughts so I

took a big deep breathe and went back in.

I had mixed emotions and I didn't like the feeling, but I was doing it for nada

- I was doing the right thing and I was glad for that. She didn't recognize Sue

who she knew and last time I saw her she would have remembered everything. She

of course had a very warped, fantasy world past where she made it all up to suit

her and we know how that is, don't we, but now the stories were not spilling out

of her mouth like a fountain spills out water. I saw her for myself and this

time I knew for sure - she was dying. No one is saying exactly WHEN yet but her

left foot is developing sores on its own for some reason (diabetes related I'm

sure) and she has also for some unknown reason developed what they think is an

infection somewhere in her body and has a fever too now. They give her morphine

for pain as I found out yesterday. My friend who is a nurse practitioner/mental

health therapist told me that even in hospice they don't give you morphine

unless you have only days to live. My friend up here who is usually

cautiously optimistic about most things in that genre told me that she gives her

a few days or a week to live and that's it.

I told her I had a big surprise for her the next day and she couldn't smile

broadly but her eyes twinkled and she said 'that's nice'. I brought two

birthday desserts from Maine down with me and my other friend made chicken

fricasee with red bliss potatoes. She cut the chicken up into shreds and I sat

and fed her. She did eat heartily but that as we know doesn't mean anything but

only took a few mouthfuls of my desserts each said 'good' and that was it. This

isn't like her as she loves her desserts for the last few years. Before that

she watched her weight like a hawk and was almost anorexic in her thinking about

it. My mother's neighbors who were a God send this whole weekend working their

tales off to clean out my nada's house just as we did for her return home

tomorrow were all there and my nada was extremely happy. She characteristically

of course seemed to care a lot more for some of them than she does me, but I let

it slide. We all brought her gifts, two of us bought her flowers and it was

really nice. After they all went she was exhausted from just sitting there and

visiting with people.

Friday afternoon after visiting nada Sue P. and I went to the house and we were

shaking our heads at all the filth and clutter in those two bedrooms of hers and

the front porch. The rest of the house had been cleaned out by those same

neighbors working 12 to 15 hours last Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday and this,

they said made a dent in the entire house of course, but then again they had

worked on the kitchen, bathroom and living room and not the rest of the house.

We went to work cleaning out as much as we could in the living room and started

her bedroom but that was it.

She obviously had not slept in her bed for MONTHS as you couldn't even get to

her bed with all the bags, boxes etc. all over the room piled sky high. That

had to be cleaned out so the live-in could live there and have her own private

space. I had arranged that last week when I had found out that the hospice

nurse would not allow her to go home without a full time caregiver. It is going

to cost nada $160 a day 7 days a week but when you think 24 hours of care that's

not a lot of money per hour and the agency gets a big chunk of that I'm sure. I

went through over a hundred bags and boxes at least in the day and a half I

worked on it and we FINALLY were able to make the bed with brand new sheets etc.

on Saturday night. Two truckloads of things were taken away on Saturday also

the equivalent of two dumpsters. I took things home to sort yet again but the

neighbors there are putting the good things that are worth something into the

locked guest bedroom which the live-in and nada will not have keys for. I do

and one neighbor there does so they can do their work but that's it.

The plumber is coming back to do his work this morning on the shower as nada

never used the shower in all the time she lived there and it was totally

corroded as he is sure are the pipes behind it in the wall. It needs a brand

new shower installed but why bother at this point since it will take too much

time for him to do and whoever buys that house upon nada's death will demolish

that house with all its myriad of problems. It houses very bad memories for me

and I don't want it even if it were the Taj Mahal. Nada only took 'bird baths'

in the sink for 40 years of living there because her hubby (my stepfather) told

her 'water costs $ and you are to only take a shower on Saturday night'

initially but after he died I'm 100% sure she never used it. It was nada's

command that I live there or she wasn't leaving the house to me and things had

to be left 'just as they were'. I was not to bring MY furniture which is MUCH

better than hers with me; and I was never to date because 'no one would ever

want YOU anyway and the only reason anyone would want you is for MY $'. This

was in the past of course and now nada has given up control totally and is

letting the neighbors and I do as we please. So yes she definitely knows she is

dying and doesn't care about such things anymore. Of course I am selling that

house as is and whoever buys it is buying it for the property and will tear down

her house anyway I am almost certain. It is right across the street from a lake

with a lakeview from her front porch which we also cleaned out totally.

Whatever is left on the front porch has been sorted by me and is going into the

locked bedroom.

Her diamonds were stolen by her step-grand daughter two days after my stepfather

died. She asked my nada for $40,000 and my nada said no so she replied, " I can

get into your house and those diamonds my grandfather gave you are MINE since he

died so I will just go in and help myself " . Nada didn't believe her of course,

never changed the lock, she got in when nada wasn't home, stole the whole

jewelry box and the next time she saw my nada she had the necklace on! It was a

unique design my stepfather had designed for her so we know that she stole

everything. We never found anything but costume jewelry.

Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call the

nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know nada

won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's the last

major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber doesn't find out he

has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in one day which he said

he could, we're done. Thank God!

[Guest guest]

Oh my - big hug and lots of good wishes.

>

> I'm back from visiting nada in the hospice center. My best friend Sue and I

went down to Jersey as most of you know every early Friday morning (we left at

6 am). I was EXHAUSTED already but I had to do it and I'm glad I did.

>

> We found the hospice center with a bit of difficulty but we got there and went

right to see nada. When I saw her, I thought the woman at the desk had told me

the wrong room! She was soooooo small and emaciated - almost like a little

child laying there. She perked up a tiny bit but she didn't have her customary

wig on and she was very weak. Gone was the nada I knew who was extremely

feisty; stubborn to the core; mostly in witch mode and controlling of course.

Her spirit is gone and left in its place is a shell - most of her personality

(even the good parts and yes there are some) is gone. She has SOME fight left

in her but she definitely chooses her battles now carefully and doesn't have the

strength to fight everything any more. Despite our tumultuous relationship as

anyone with a BPD nada or fada can attest to, I started to cry. I didn't want

her to see that so I went out to the hall but as my legs were killing me

(pulled those muscles and sitting for 6 hours in a car isn't good as I stiffen

up), I didn't want to walk all the way down two hallways (you know how

hospitals are and this was no different in that respect) and out to the right of

the front door to the community room to sit alone and cry with my thoughts so I

took a big deep breathe and went back in.

>

> I had mixed emotions and I didn't like the feeling, but I was doing it for

nada - I was doing the right thing and I was glad for that. She didn't

recognize Sue who she knew and last time I saw her she would have remembered

everything. She of course had a very warped, fantasy world past where she made

it all up to suit her and we know how that is, don't we, but now the stories

were not spilling out of her mouth like a fountain spills out water. I saw her

for myself and this time I knew for sure - she was dying. No one is saying

exactly WHEN yet but her left foot is developing sores on its own for some

reason (diabetes related I'm sure) and she has also for some unknown reason

developed what they think is an infection somewhere in her body and has a fever

too now. They give her morphine for pain as I found out yesterday. My friend

who is a nurse practitioner/mental health therapist told me that even in hospice

they don't give you morphine unless you have only days to live. My friend

up here who is usually cautiously optimistic about most things in that

genre told me that she gives her a few days or a week to live and that's it.

>

> I told her I had a big surprise for her the next day and she couldn't smile

broadly but her eyes twinkled and she said 'that's nice'. I brought two

birthday desserts from Maine down with me and my other friend made chicken

fricasee with red bliss potatoes. She cut the chicken up into shreds and I sat

and fed her. She did eat heartily but that as we know doesn't mean anything but

only took a few mouthfuls of my desserts each said 'good' and that was it. This

isn't like her as she loves her desserts for the last few years. Before that

she watched her weight like a hawk and was almost anorexic in her thinking about

it. My mother's neighbors who were a God send this whole weekend working their

tales off to clean out my nada's house just as we did for her return home

tomorrow were all there and my nada was extremely happy. She characteristically

of course seemed to care a lot more for some of them than she does me, but I let

it slide. We all brought her gifts, two of us bought her flowers and it was

really nice. After they all went she was exhausted from just sitting there and

visiting with people.

>

> Friday afternoon after visiting nada Sue P. and I went to the house and we

were shaking our heads at all the filth and clutter in those two bedrooms of

hers and the front porch. The rest of the house had been cleaned out by those

same neighbors working 12 to 15 hours last Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday and

this, they said made a dent in the entire house of course, but then again they

had worked on the kitchen, bathroom and living room and not the rest of the

house. We went to work cleaning out as much as we could in the living room and

started her bedroom but that was it.

>

> She obviously had not slept in her bed for MONTHS as you couldn't even get to

her bed with all the bags, boxes etc. all over the room piled sky high. That

had to be cleaned out so the live-in could live there and have her own private

space. I had arranged that last week when I had found out that the hospice

nurse would not allow her to go home without a full time caregiver. It is going

to cost nada $160 a day 7 days a week but when you think 24 hours of care that's

not a lot of money per hour and the agency gets a big chunk of that I'm sure. I

went through over a hundred bags and boxes at least in the day and a half I

worked on it and we FINALLY were able to make the bed with brand new sheets etc.

on Saturday night. Two truckloads of things were taken away on Saturday also

the equivalent of two dumpsters. I took things home to sort yet again but the

neighbors there are putting the good things that are worth something into the

locked guest bedroom which the live-in and nada will not have keys for. I do

and one neighbor there does so they can do their work but that's it.

>

> The plumber is coming back to do his work this morning on the shower as nada

never used the shower in all the time she lived there and it was totally

corroded as he is sure are the pipes behind it in the wall. It needs a brand

new shower installed but why bother at this point since it will take too much

time for him to do and whoever buys that house upon nada's death will demolish

that house with all its myriad of problems. It houses very bad memories for me

and I don't want it even if it were the Taj Mahal. Nada only took 'bird baths'

in the sink for 40 years of living there because her hubby (my stepfather) told

her 'water costs $ and you are to only take a shower on Saturday night'

initially but after he died I'm 100% sure she never used it. It was nada's

command that I live there or she wasn't leaving the house to me and things had

to be left 'just as they were'. I was not to bring MY furniture which is MUCH

better than hers with me; and I was never to date because 'no one would ever

want YOU anyway and the only reason anyone would want you is for MY $'. This

was in the past of course and now nada has given up control totally and is

letting the neighbors and I do as we please. So yes she definitely knows she is

dying and doesn't care about such things anymore. Of course I am selling that

house as is and whoever buys it is buying it for the property and will tear down

her house anyway I am almost certain. It is right across the street from a lake

with a lakeview from her front porch which we also cleaned out totally.

Whatever is left on the front porch has been sorted by me and is going into the

locked bedroom.

>

> Her diamonds were stolen by her step-grand daughter two days after my

stepfather died. She asked my nada for $40,000 and my nada said no so she

replied, " I can get into your house and those diamonds my grandfather gave you

are MINE since he died so I will just go in and help myself " . Nada didn't

believe her of course, never changed the lock, she got in when nada wasn't home,

stole the whole jewelry box and the next time she saw my nada she had the

necklace on! It was a unique design my stepfather had designed for her so we

know that she stole everything. We never found anything but costume jewelry.

>

> Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call the

nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know nada

won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's the last

major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber doesn't find out he

has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in one day which he said

he could, we're done. Thank God!

>

[Guest guest]

> Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call the

nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know nada

won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's the last

major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber doesn't find out he

has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in one day which he said

he could, we're done. Thank God!

>

That's a tough situation you're having to deal with. My sympathies.

[Guest guest]

It sounds like a tough situation but you are getting through it and are blessed

with the help of so many. Hopefully the worst is past now and she can pass

away in peace in her own home like has wanted. I know what you mean about

things being easier in a way when they are very ill - when my nada was extremely

ill in the hospital (not dying but it was bad) she very briefly allowed me and

others to finally act as was needed on her behalf. As she recovered she became

a Queen once more however and has made it very difficult. Hopefully your nada

will continue to allow you and others to act as is best for all now until she

passes.

Stay strong,

>

> I'm back from visiting nada in the hospice center. My best friend Sue and I

went down to Jersey as most of you know every early Friday morning (we left at

6 am). I was EXHAUSTED already but I had to do it and I'm glad I did.

>

> We found the hospice center with a bit of difficulty but we got there and went

right to see nada. When I saw her, I thought the woman at the desk had told me

the wrong room! She was soooooo small and emaciated - almost like a little

child laying there. She perked up a tiny bit but she didn't have her customary

wig on and she was very weak. Gone was the nada I knew who was extremely

feisty; stubborn to the core; mostly in witch mode and controlling of course.

Her spirit is gone and left in its place is a shell - most of her personality

(even the good parts and yes there are some) is gone. She has SOME fight left

in her but she definitely chooses her battles now carefully and doesn't have the

strength to fight everything any more. Despite our tumultuous relationship as

anyone with a BPD nada or fada can attest to, I started to cry. I didn't want

her to see that so I went out to the hall but as my legs were killing me

(pulled those muscles and sitting for 6 hours in a car isn't good as I stiffen

up), I didn't want to walk all the way down two hallways (you know how

hospitals are and this was no different in that respect) and out to the right of

the front door to the community room to sit alone and cry with my thoughts so I

took a big deep breathe and went back in.

>

> I had mixed emotions and I didn't like the feeling, but I was doing it for

nada - I was doing the right thing and I was glad for that. She didn't

recognize Sue who she knew and last time I saw her she would have remembered

everything. She of course had a very warped, fantasy world past where she made

it all up to suit her and we know how that is, don't we, but now the stories

were not spilling out of her mouth like a fountain spills out water. I saw her

for myself and this time I knew for sure - she was dying. No one is saying

exactly WHEN yet but her left foot is developing sores on its own for some

reason (diabetes related I'm sure) and she has also for some unknown reason

developed what they think is an infection somewhere in her body and has a fever

too now. They give her morphine for pain as I found out yesterday. My friend

who is a nurse practitioner/mental health therapist told me that even in hospice

they don't give you morphine unless you have only days to live. My friend

up here who is usually cautiously optimistic about most things in that

genre told me that she gives her a few days or a week to live and that's it.

>

> I told her I had a big surprise for her the next day and she couldn't smile

broadly but her eyes twinkled and she said 'that's nice'. I brought two

birthday desserts from Maine down with me and my other friend made chicken

fricasee with red bliss potatoes. She cut the chicken up into shreds and I sat

and fed her. She did eat heartily but that as we know doesn't mean anything but

only took a few mouthfuls of my desserts each said 'good' and that was it. This

isn't like her as she loves her desserts for the last few years. Before that

she watched her weight like a hawk and was almost anorexic in her thinking about

it. My mother's neighbors who were a God send this whole weekend working their

tales off to clean out my nada's house just as we did for her return home

tomorrow were all there and my nada was extremely happy. She characteristically

of course seemed to care a lot more for some of them than she does me, but I let

it slide. We all brought her gifts, two of us bought her flowers and it was

really nice. After they all went she was exhausted from just sitting there and

visiting with people.

>

> Friday afternoon after visiting nada Sue P. and I went to the house and we

were shaking our heads at all the filth and clutter in those two bedrooms of

hers and the front porch. The rest of the house had been cleaned out by those

same neighbors working 12 to 15 hours last Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday and

this, they said made a dent in the entire house of course, but then again they

had worked on the kitchen, bathroom and living room and not the rest of the

house. We went to work cleaning out as much as we could in the living room and

started her bedroom but that was it.

>

> She obviously had not slept in her bed for MONTHS as you couldn't even get to

her bed with all the bags, boxes etc. all over the room piled sky high. That

had to be cleaned out so the live-in could live there and have her own private

space. I had arranged that last week when I had found out that the hospice

nurse would not allow her to go home without a full time caregiver. It is going

to cost nada $160 a day 7 days a week but when you think 24 hours of care that's

not a lot of money per hour and the agency gets a big chunk of that I'm sure. I

went through over a hundred bags and boxes at least in the day and a half I

worked on it and we FINALLY were able to make the bed with brand new sheets etc.

on Saturday night. Two truckloads of things were taken away on Saturday also

the equivalent of two dumpsters. I took things home to sort yet again but the

neighbors there are putting the good things that are worth something into the

locked guest bedroom which the live-in and nada will not have keys for. I do

and one neighbor there does so they can do their work but that's it.

>

> The plumber is coming back to do his work this morning on the shower as nada

never used the shower in all the time she lived there and it was totally

corroded as he is sure are the pipes behind it in the wall. It needs a brand

new shower installed but why bother at this point since it will take too much

time for him to do and whoever buys that house upon nada's death will demolish

that house with all its myriad of problems. It houses very bad memories for me

and I don't want it even if it were the Taj Mahal. Nada only took 'bird baths'

in the sink for 40 years of living there because her hubby (my stepfather) told

her 'water costs $ and you are to only take a shower on Saturday night'

initially but after he died I'm 100% sure she never used it. It was nada's

command that I live there or she wasn't leaving the house to me and things had

to be left 'just as they were'. I was not to bring MY furniture which is MUCH

better than hers with me; and I was never to date because 'no one would ever

want YOU anyway and the only reason anyone would want you is for MY $'. This

was in the past of course and now nada has given up control totally and is

letting the neighbors and I do as we please. So yes she definitely knows she is

dying and doesn't care about such things anymore. Of course I am selling that

house as is and whoever buys it is buying it for the property and will tear down

her house anyway I am almost certain. It is right across the street from a lake

with a lakeview from her front porch which we also cleaned out totally.

Whatever is left on the front porch has been sorted by me and is going into the

locked bedroom.

>

> Her diamonds were stolen by her step-grand daughter two days after my

stepfather died. She asked my nada for $40,000 and my nada said no so she

replied, " I can get into your house and those diamonds my grandfather gave you

are MINE since he died so I will just go in and help myself " . Nada didn't

believe her of course, never changed the lock, she got in when nada wasn't home,

stole the whole jewelry box and the next time she saw my nada she had the

necklace on! It was a unique design my stepfather had designed for her so we

know that she stole everything. We never found anything but costume jewelry.

>

> Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call the

nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know nada

won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's the last

major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber doesn't find out he

has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in one day which he said

he could, we're done. Thank God!

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, so many mixed emotions, i'm sure.

I can imagine. Hang in there.

>

> I'm back from visiting nada in the hospice center. My best friend Sue and I

went down to Jersey as most of you know every early Friday morning (we left at

6 am). I was EXHAUSTED already but I had to do it and I'm glad I did.

>

> We found the hospice center with a bit of difficulty but we got there and went

right to see nada. When I saw her, I thought the woman at the desk had told me

the wrong room! She was soooooo small and emaciated - almost like a little

child laying there. She perked up a tiny bit but she didn't have her customary

wig on and she was very weak. Gone was the nada I knew who was extremely

feisty; stubborn to the core; mostly in witch mode and controlling of course.

Her spirit is gone and left in its place is a shell - most of her personality

(even the good parts and yes there are some) is gone. She has SOME fight left

in her but she definitely chooses her battles now carefully and doesn't have the

strength to fight everything any more. Despite our tumultuous relationship as

anyone with a BPD nada or fada can attest to, I started to cry. I didn't want

her to see that so I went out to the hall but as my legs were killing me

(pulled those muscles and sitting for 6 hours in a car isn't good as I stiffen

up), I didn't want to walk all the way down two hallways (you know how

hospitals are and this was no different in that respect) and out to the right of

the front door to the community room to sit alone and cry with my thoughts so I

took a big deep breathe and went back in.

>

> I had mixed emotions and I didn't like the feeling, but I was doing it for

nada - I was doing the right thing and I was glad for that. She didn't

recognize Sue who she knew and last time I saw her she would have remembered

everything. She of course had a very warped, fantasy world past where she made

it all up to suit her and we know how that is, don't we, but now the stories

were not spilling out of her mouth like a fountain spills out water. I saw her

for myself and this time I knew for sure - she was dying. No one is saying

exactly WHEN yet but her left foot is developing sores on its own for some

reason (diabetes related I'm sure) and she has also for some unknown reason

developed what they think is an infection somewhere in her body and has a fever

too now. They give her morphine for pain as I found out yesterday. My friend

who is a nurse practitioner/mental health therapist told me that even in hospice

they don't give you morphine unless you have only days to live. My friend

up here who is usually cautiously optimistic about most things in that

genre told me that she gives her a few days or a week to live and that's it.

>

> I told her I had a big surprise for her the next day and she couldn't smile

broadly but her eyes twinkled and she said 'that's nice'. I brought two

birthday desserts from Maine down with me and my other friend made chicken

fricasee with red bliss potatoes. She cut the chicken up into shreds and I sat

and fed her. She did eat heartily but that as we know doesn't mean anything but

only took a few mouthfuls of my desserts each said 'good' and that was it. This

isn't like her as she loves her desserts for the last few years. Before that

she watched her weight like a hawk and was almost anorexic in her thinking about

it. My mother's neighbors who were a God send this whole weekend working their

tales off to clean out my nada's house just as we did for her return home

tomorrow were all there and my nada was extremely happy. She characteristically

of course seemed to care a lot more for some of them than she does me, but I let

it slide. We all brought her gifts, two of us bought her flowers and it was

really nice. After they all went she was exhausted from just sitting there and

visiting with people.

>

> Friday afternoon after visiting nada Sue P. and I went to the house and we

were shaking our heads at all the filth and clutter in those two bedrooms of

hers and the front porch. The rest of the house had been cleaned out by those

same neighbors working 12 to 15 hours last Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday and

this, they said made a dent in the entire house of course, but then again they

had worked on the kitchen, bathroom and living room and not the rest of the

house. We went to work cleaning out as much as we could in the living room and

started her bedroom but that was it.

>

> She obviously had not slept in her bed for MONTHS as you couldn't even get to

her bed with all the bags, boxes etc. all over the room piled sky high. That

had to be cleaned out so the live-in could live there and have her own private

space. I had arranged that last week when I had found out that the hospice

nurse would not allow her to go home without a full time caregiver. It is going

to cost nada $160 a day 7 days a week but when you think 24 hours of care that's

not a lot of money per hour and the agency gets a big chunk of that I'm sure. I

went through over a hundred bags and boxes at least in the day and a half I

worked on it and we FINALLY were able to make the bed with brand new sheets etc.

on Saturday night. Two truckloads of things were taken away on Saturday also

the equivalent of two dumpsters. I took things home to sort yet again but the

neighbors there are putting the good things that are worth something into the

locked guest bedroom which the live-in and nada will not have keys for. I do

and one neighbor there does so they can do their work but that's it.

>

> The plumber is coming back to do his work this morning on the shower as nada

never used the shower in all the time she lived there and it was totally

corroded as he is sure are the pipes behind it in the wall. It needs a brand

new shower installed but why bother at this point since it will take too much

time for him to do and whoever buys that house upon nada's death will demolish

that house with all its myriad of problems. It houses very bad memories for me

and I don't want it even if it were the Taj Mahal. Nada only took 'bird baths'

in the sink for 40 years of living there because her hubby (my stepfather) told

her 'water costs $ and you are to only take a shower on Saturday night'

initially but after he died I'm 100% sure she never used it. It was nada's

command that I live there or she wasn't leaving the house to me and things had

to be left 'just as they were'. I was not to bring MY furniture which is MUCH

better than hers with me; and I was never to date because 'no one would ever

want YOU anyway and the only reason anyone would want you is for MY $'. This

was in the past of course and now nada has given up control totally and is

letting the neighbors and I do as we please. So yes she definitely knows she is

dying and doesn't care about such things anymore. Of course I am selling that

house as is and whoever buys it is buying it for the property and will tear down

her house anyway I am almost certain. It is right across the street from a lake

with a lakeview from her front porch which we also cleaned out totally.

Whatever is left on the front porch has been sorted by me and is going into the

locked bedroom.

>

> Her diamonds were stolen by her step-grand daughter two days after my

stepfather died. She asked my nada for $40,000 and my nada said no so she

replied, " I can get into your house and those diamonds my grandfather gave you

are MINE since he died so I will just go in and help myself " . Nada didn't

believe her of course, never changed the lock, she got in when nada wasn't home,

stole the whole jewelry box and the next time she saw my nada she had the

necklace on! It was a unique design my stepfather had designed for her so we

know that she stole everything. We never found anything but costume jewelry.

>

> Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call the

nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know nada

won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's the last

major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber doesn't find out he

has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in one day which he said

he could, we're done. Thank God!

>

[Guest guest]

Libra, I don't know how to help so I'll just send you hugs from me and licks

from the real Girlscout. What self-care things do you have planned this

week? And do you have friends nearby supporting you? Can you go get a

massage? The schools are usually quite inexpensive. I've found times when

just the human touch during a massage is very healing.

>

>

> Wow, so many mixed emotions, i'm sure.

> I can imagine. Hang in there.

>

>

> >

> > I'm back from visiting nada in the hospice center. My best friend Sue

> and I went down to Jersey as most of you know every early Friday morning (we

> left at 6 am). I was EXHAUSTED already but I had to do it and I'm glad I

> did.

> >

> > We found the hospice center with a bit of difficulty but we got there and

> went right to see nada. When I saw her, I thought the woman at the desk had

> told me the wrong room! She was soooooo small and emaciated - almost like a

> little child laying there. She perked up a tiny bit but she didn't have her

> customary wig on and she was very weak. Gone was the nada I knew who was

> extremely feisty; stubborn to the core; mostly in witch mode and controlling

> of course. Her spirit is gone and left in its place is a shell - most of her

> personality (even the good parts and yes there are some) is gone. She has

> SOME fight left in her but she definitely chooses her battles now carefully

> and doesn't have the strength to fight everything any more. Despite our

> tumultuous relationship as anyone with a BPD nada or fada can attest to, I

> started to cry. I didn't want her to see that so I went out to the hall but

> as my legs were killing me (pulled those muscles and sitting for 6 hours in

> a car isn't good as I stiffen up), I didn't want to walk all the way down

> two hallways (you know how hospitals are and this was no different in that

> respect) and out to the right of the front door to the community room to sit

> alone and cry with my thoughts so I took a big deep breathe and went back

> in.

> >

> > I had mixed emotions and I didn't like the feeling, but I was doing it

> for nada - I was doing the right thing and I was glad for that. She didn't

> recognize Sue who she knew and last time I saw her she would have remembered

> everything. She of course had a very warped, fantasy world past where she

> made it all up to suit her and we know how that is, don't we, but now the

> stories were not spilling out of her mouth like a fountain spills out water.

> I saw her for myself and this time I knew for sure - she was dying. No one

> is saying exactly WHEN yet but her left foot is developing sores on its own

> for some reason (diabetes related I'm sure) and she has also for some

> unknown reason developed what they think is an infection somewhere in her

> body and has a fever too now. They give her morphine for pain as I found out

> yesterday. My friend who is a nurse practitioner/mental health therapist

> told me that even in hospice they don't give you morphine unless you have

> only days to live. My friend up here who is usually cautiously

> optimistic about most things in that genre told me that she gives her a few

> days or a week to live and that's it.

> >

> > I told her I had a big surprise for her the next day and she couldn't

> smile broadly but her eyes twinkled and she said 'that's nice'. I brought

> two birthday desserts from Maine down with me and my other friend made

> chicken fricasee with red bliss potatoes. She cut the chicken up into shreds

> and I sat and fed her. She did eat heartily but that as we know doesn't mean

> anything but only took a few mouthfuls of my desserts each said 'good' and

> that was it. This isn't like her as she loves her desserts for the last few

> years. Before that she watched her weight like a hawk and was almost

> anorexic in her thinking about it. My mother's neighbors who were a God send

> this whole weekend working their tales off to clean out my nada's house just

> as we did for her return home tomorrow were all there and my nada was

> extremely happy. She characteristically of course seemed to care a lot more

> for some of them than she does me, but I let it slide. We all brought her

> gifts, two of us bought her flowers and it was really nice. After they all

> went she was exhausted from just sitting there and visiting with people.

> >

> > Friday afternoon after visiting nada Sue P. and I went to the house and

> we were shaking our heads at all the filth and clutter in those two bedrooms

> of hers and the front porch. The rest of the house had been cleaned out by

> those same neighbors working 12 to 15 hours last Saturday and 8 hours on

> Sunday and this, they said made a dent in the entire house of course, but

> then again they had worked on the kitchen, bathroom and living room and not

> the rest of the house. We went to work cleaning out as much as we could in

> the living room and started her bedroom but that was it.

> >

> > She obviously had not slept in her bed for MONTHS as you couldn't even

> get to her bed with all the bags, boxes etc. all over the room piled sky

> high. That had to be cleaned out so the live-in could live there and have

> her own private space. I had arranged that last week when I had found out

> that the hospice nurse would not allow her to go home without a full time

> caregiver. It is going to cost nada $160 a day 7 days a week but when you

> think 24 hours of care that's not a lot of money per hour and the agency

> gets a big chunk of that I'm sure. I went through over a hundred bags and

> boxes at least in the day and a half I worked on it and we FINALLY were able

> to make the bed with brand new sheets etc. on Saturday night. Two truckloads

> of things were taken away on Saturday also the equivalent of two dumpsters.

> I took things home to sort yet again but the neighbors there are putting the

> good things that are worth something into the locked guest bedroom which the

> live-in and nada will not have keys for. I do and one neighbor there does so

> they can do their work but that's it.

> >

> > The plumber is coming back to do his work this morning on the shower as

> nada never used the shower in all the time she lived there and it was

> totally corroded as he is sure are the pipes behind it in the wall. It needs

> a brand new shower installed but why bother at this point since it will take

> too much time for him to do and whoever buys that house upon nada's death

> will demolish that house with all its myriad of problems. It houses very bad

> memories for me and I don't want it even if it were the Taj Mahal. Nada only

> took 'bird baths' in the sink for 40 years of living there because her hubby

> (my stepfather) told her 'water costs $ and you are to only take a shower on

> Saturday night' initially but after he died I'm 100% sure she never used it.

> It was nada's command that I live there or she wasn't leaving the house to

> me and things had to be left 'just as they were'. I was not to bring MY

> furniture which is MUCH better than hers with me; and I was never to date

> because 'no one would ever want YOU anyway and the only reason anyone would

> want you is for MY $'. This was in the past of course and now nada has given

> up control totally and is letting the neighbors and I do as we please. So

> yes she definitely knows she is dying and doesn't care about such things

> anymore. Of course I am selling that house as is and whoever buys it is

> buying it for the property and will tear down her house anyway I am almost

> certain. It is right across the street from a lake with a lakeview from her

> front porch which we also cleaned out totally. Whatever is left on the front

> porch has been sorted by me and is going into the locked bedroom.

> >

> > Her diamonds were stolen by her step-grand daughter two days after my

> stepfather died. She asked my nada for $40,000 and my nada said no so she

> replied, " I can get into your house and those diamonds my grandfather gave

> you are MINE since he died so I will just go in and help myself " . Nada

> didn't believe her of course, never changed the lock, she got in when nada

> wasn't home, stole the whole jewelry box and the next time she saw my nada

> she had the necklace on! It was a unique design my stepfather had designed

> for her so we know that she stole everything. We never found anything but

> costume jewelry.

> >

> > Well anyway today I find out what time she is being released and I call

> the nurse's aide and tell her what time she is moving in tomorrow. I know

> nada won't like it and will die soon anyway given her condition, but it's

> the last major part of the going home plan and as long as the plumber

> doesn't find out he has too much work to do on the shower and can't do it in

> one day which he said he could, we're done. Thank God!

> >

>

>

>