Help! I am pregnant and the BP Mom wants back in my life!

[Guest guest]

EVERYONE!  I NEED HELP!

It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious support

and guidance.  I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years now. 

My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too, Mom is an

alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif) coming

to save the day.  I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no longer hold

that title.  I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05, to not

be contacted till 08.  Obviously, I have still stayed NC.  I relinquished my

savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago.  I have had a

couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my own 9th

Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am in

CODA)  And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters, anything to

try to get back into my life.  But, I have spent a good deal in recovery, with a

therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the past 5

years now.  I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal life with

me and my husband.

Here's the update today though:  I am pregnant with my first child.  My BP Mom

found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally posted of

me.  Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or text. 

THANKS BE TO GOD!  But, my birthday was last Monday.  She mailed a gift to my

Post Office Box.  It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby gift. 

She handmade a quilt.  It was beautiful.  And also included a few items from my

registry.  I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful.  But, here is where

the BP kicks in.  She called the post office 14 times to make sure that either

my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day.  It was embarrassing

hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time.  Talk

about stalking?

Now, here's the clincher.  My husband received a letter from her today.  Even

tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM!  Hell, he's a MAJOR

supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow.  I know it's just to

protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me.  But, he read the letter

nonetheless.  It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the birth.  She

says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at nothing to

make sure she is in her grandchild's life. 

He's FREAKED out!  And of course, he has FREAKED me out.  Now, we knew this was

coming.  We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and screaming when

the baby arrives.  And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she came back,

we would call the police for trespassing.  We go to therapy about this monthly,

and our therapist says the BP will not relent.  But, to hold to our boundaries

of protecting the child.  Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I should

just throw in the towel.  Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will pack up

and move out.  I am not as strong as you are.  I don't know if I have it in me

to handle this.  I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation?  Should I let

my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day?  Should I stay no contact and write

another no contact letter?  Is there any boundary making with this situation? 

My husband says Mom is all or nothing.  Is it that simple?  WHAT DO I DO HERE? 

I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I did

growing up.

GOD HELP ME!  Any advice would be appreciated.

Love to all you KO's out there.

Mandy

[Guest guest]

You can only do what is right for you, but hearing your situation, and your

dismay, this is what I would do.

Throw away the gifts or return them to sender. Send her a NC letter again,

informing her that you still do not wish any contact with her, and if she

continues to contact you or shows up as it sounds like she is threatening, that

you will call the authorities. If she shows up on your doorstep, do not let her

in. Tell her she is not welcome, and ask her to leave. If she does not, call the

police.

I say all this because it sounds like you are clearly being hoovered back in,

especially with the FOG. She sends you this beautiful gift to make you let your

guard down. Really she's manipulating you. Do you think she is going to treat

you ANY differently than she has in the past? You owe it to your baby not to let

your nada affect him/her.

Think about this, you didn't tell her that you were pregnant. She stalked you

and found out. So you obviously didn't want her around for it; and that's

changed because she breaks your boundaries? Stay strong. Send back the gifts or

throw them away (probably better just to throw them away since that does not

constitute a response). It's okay if you weakened a little bit, but just restate

your boundaries and tell her NO, she is not coming back into your life.

That's just my advice. Of course, you have to do what will feel right to you.

[Guest guest]

Thank you , that is WHAT I needed to hear.  Some reiteration that NC is

the best thing for me and the baby.  Thank you for a strong voice, I am still

finding mine.  Damn that manipulation-- gets my guard down.  That guilt is a

killer for me.

Thanks again, what would I do without my WTO group?

Mandy

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, March 7, 2011 7:56:27 PM

Subject: Re: Help! I am pregnant and the BP Mom wants back

in my life!

 

You can only do what is right for you, but hearing your situation, and your

dismay, this is what I would do.

Throw away the gifts or return them to sender. Send her a NC letter again,

informing her that you still do not wish any contact with her, and if she

continues to contact you or shows up as it sounds like she is threatening, that

you will call the authorities. If she shows up on your doorstep, do not let her

in. Tell her she is not welcome, and ask her to leave. If she does not, call the

police.

I say all this because it sounds like you are clearly being hoovered back in,

especially with the FOG. She sends you this beautiful gift to make you let your

guard down. Really she's manipulating you. Do you think she is going to treat

you ANY differently than she has in the past? You owe it to your baby not to let

your nada affect him/her.

Think about this, you didn't tell her that you were pregnant. She stalked you

and found out. So you obviously didn't want her around for it; and that's

changed because she breaks your boundaries? Stay strong. Send back the gifts or

throw them away (probably better just to throw them away since that does not

constitute a response). It's okay if you weakened a little bit, but just restate

your boundaries and tell her NO, she is not coming back into your life.

That's just my advice. Of course, you have to do what will feel right to you.

[Guest guest]

Mandy, I'd stick with the continued NC. Sometimes, because of our actions (in

your case your nada and sis) consequences befall us. You and your husband are a

unit, and from what you've read, that could fall apart if you decide to allow

some contact. Personally, I wouldn't risk it. Hang on to your own little

family unit and work to make that as good as it can be. Let's see what others

say, but I am taking a hard nose approach.

Annie 2

>

> EVERYONE!  I NEED HELP!

> It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious support

> and guidance.  I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years

now. 

> My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too, Mom is

an

> alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif)

coming

> to save the day.  I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no longer

hold

> that title.  I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05, to

not

> be contacted till 08.  Obviously, I have still stayed NC.  I relinquished my

> savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago.  I have had a

> couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my own

9th

> Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am in

> CODA)  And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

>

> Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters, anything

to

> try to get back into my life.  But, I have spent a good deal in recovery, with

a

> therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the past

5

> years now.  I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal life

with

> me and my husband.

>

> Here's the update today though:  I am pregnant with my first child.  My BP Mom

> found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally posted of

> me.  Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or

text. 

> THANKS BE TO GOD!  But, my birthday was last Monday.  She mailed a gift to my

> Post Office Box.  It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby

gift. 

> She handmade a quilt.  It was beautiful.  And also included a few items from

my

> registry.  I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful.  But, here is

where

> the BP kicks in.  She called the post office 14 times to make sure that either

> my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day.  It was embarrassing

> hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time.  Talk

> about stalking?

>

> Now, here's the clincher.  My husband received a letter from her today.  Even

> tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM!  Hell, he's a MAJOR

> supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow.  I know it's just to

> protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me.  But, he read the letter

> nonetheless.  It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

> pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the birth.  She

> says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at nothing

to

> make sure she is in her grandchild's life. 

>

>

> He's FREAKED out!  And of course, he has FREAKED me out.  Now, we knew this

was

> coming.  We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and screaming

when

> the baby arrives.  And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she came

back,

> we would call the police for trespassing.  We go to therapy about this

monthly,

> and our therapist says the BP will not relent.  But, to hold to our boundaries

> of protecting the child.  Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I should

> just throw in the towel.  Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will pack

up

> and move out.  I am not as strong as you are.  I don't know if I have it in me

> to handle this.  I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

>

> Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation?  Should I let

> my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day?  Should I stay no contact and

write

> another no contact letter?  Is there any boundary making with this situation? 

> My husband says Mom is all or nothing.  Is it that simple?  WHAT DO I DO

HERE? 

> I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I did

> growing up.

>

> GOD HELP ME!  Any advice would be appreciated.

> Love to all you KO's out there.

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would ignore her, Id change my po box number but Id keep the quilt

Hoover alert!!!

On Mon, Mar 7, 2011 at 6:36 PM, CA Annie wrote:

>

>

> Mandy, I'd stick with the continued NC. Sometimes, because of our actions

> (in your case your nada and sis) consequences befall us. You and your

> husband are a unit, and from what you've read, that could fall apart if you

> decide to allow some contact. Personally, I wouldn't risk it. Hang on to

> your own little family unit and work to make that as good as it can be.

> Let's see what others say, but I am taking a hard nose approach.

>

> Annie 2

>

>

>

> >

> > EVERYONE! I NEED HELP!

> > It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious

> support

> > and guidance. I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years

> now.

> > My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too,

> Mom is an

> > alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif)

> coming

> > to save the day. I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no

> longer hold

> > that title. I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05,

> to not

> > be contacted till 08. Obviously, I have still stayed NC. I relinquished

> my

> > savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago. I have had

> a

> > couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my

> own 9th

> > Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am

> in

> > CODA) And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

> >

> > Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters,

> anything to

> > try to get back into my life. But, I have spent a good deal in recovery,

> with a

> > therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the

> past 5

> > years now. I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal

> life with

> > me and my husband.

> >

> > Here's the update today though: I am pregnant with my first child. My

> BP Mom

> > found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally

> posted of

> > me. Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or

> text.

> > THANKS BE TO GOD! But, my birthday was last Monday. She mailed a gift

> to my

> > Post Office Box. It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby

> gift.

> > She handmade a quilt. It was beautiful. And also included a few items

> from my

> > registry. I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful. But, here is

> where

> > the BP kicks in. She called the post office 14 times to make sure that

> either

> > my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day. It was

> embarrassing

> > hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time.

> Talk

> > about stalking?

> >

> > Now, here's the clincher. My husband received a letter from her today.

> Even

> > tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM! Hell, he's a MAJOR

> > supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow. I know it's

> just to

> > protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me. But, he read the

> letter

> > nonetheless. It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

> > pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the

> birth. She

> > says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at

> nothing to

> > make sure she is in her grandchild's life.

> >

> >

> > He's FREAKED out! And of course, he has FREAKED me out. Now, we knew

> this was

> > coming. We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and

> screaming when

> > the baby arrives. And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she

> came back,

> > we would call the police for trespassing. We go to therapy about this

> monthly,

> > and our therapist says the BP will not relent. But, to hold to our

> boundaries

> > of protecting the child. Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I

> should

> > just throw in the towel. Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will

> pack up

> > and move out. I am not as strong as you are. I don't know if I have it

> in me

> > to handle this. I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

> >

> > Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation? Should

> I let

> > my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day? Should I stay no contact and

> write

> > another no contact letter? Is there any boundary making with this

> situation?

> > My husband says Mom is all or nothing. Is it that simple? WHAT DO I DO

> HERE?

> > I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I

> did

> > growing up.

> >

> > GOD HELP ME! Any advice would be appreciated.

> > Love to all you KO's out there.

> > Mandy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Mandy, glad to be helpful. And as far as finding your voice, it's ALWAYS easier

to see what someone else should do, versus what you should do. Trust me, I have

the same doubts when it comes to my nada. I'm working to take the power away

from her and see her behavior really objectively.

AND: Congrats on the baby!

>

> Thank you , that is WHAT I needed to hear.  Some reiteration that NC is

> the best thing for me and the baby.  Thank you for a strong voice, I am still

> finding mine.  Damn that manipulation-- gets my guard down.  That guilt is a

> killer for me.

>

> Thanks again, what would I do without my WTO group?

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Mon, March 7, 2011 7:56:27 PM

> Subject: Re: Help! I am pregnant and the BP Mom wants back

> in my life!

>

>  

> You can only do what is right for you, but hearing your situation, and your

> dismay, this is what I would do.

>

>

> Throw away the gifts or return them to sender. Send her a NC letter again,

> informing her that you still do not wish any contact with her, and if she

> continues to contact you or shows up as it sounds like she is threatening,

that

> you will call the authorities. If she shows up on your doorstep, do not let

her

> in. Tell her she is not welcome, and ask her to leave. If she does not, call

the

> police.

>

>

> I say all this because it sounds like you are clearly being hoovered back in,

> especially with the FOG. She sends you this beautiful gift to make you let

your

> guard down. Really she's manipulating you. Do you think she is going to treat

> you ANY differently than she has in the past? You owe it to your baby not to

let

> your nada affect him/her.

>

>

> Think about this, you didn't tell her that you were pregnant. She stalked you

> and found out. So you obviously didn't want her around for it; and that's

> changed because she breaks your boundaries? Stay strong. Send back the gifts

or

> throw them away (probably better just to throw them away since that does not

> constitute a response). It's okay if you weakened a little bit, but just

restate

> your boundaries and tell her NO, she is not coming back into your life.

>

> That's just my advice. Of course, you have to do what will feel right to you.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mandy, that is some serious crazy hoovering. My advice is to sit down and

really clarify in your mind what you want now and in the future. Do you want

her out of your life permanently? Are there certain conditions that if they

were met you would want to have limited contact? I'm tempted to say NC all the

way too based on what you said, but most important is for you to have full

*clarity* on what you want. And *absolutely* send the quilt back, accepting

gifts from these people counts as being in relationship with them - in their

minds.

>

> EVERYONE!  I NEED HELP!

> It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious support

> and guidance.  I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years

now. 

> My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too, Mom is

an

> alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif)

coming

> to save the day.  I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no longer

hold

> that title.  I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05, to

not

> be contacted till 08.  Obviously, I have still stayed NC.  I relinquished my

> savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago.  I have had a

> couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my own

9th

> Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am in

> CODA)  And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

>

> Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters, anything

to

> try to get back into my life.  But, I have spent a good deal in recovery, with

a

> therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the past

5

> years now.  I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal life

with

> me and my husband.

>

> Here's the update today though:  I am pregnant with my first child.  My BP Mom

> found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally posted of

> me.  Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or

text. 

> THANKS BE TO GOD!  But, my birthday was last Monday.  She mailed a gift to my

> Post Office Box.  It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby

gift. 

> She handmade a quilt.  It was beautiful.  And also included a few items from

my

> registry.  I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful.  But, here is

where

> the BP kicks in.  She called the post office 14 times to make sure that either

> my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day.  It was embarrassing

> hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time.  Talk

> about stalking?

>

> Now, here's the clincher.  My husband received a letter from her today.  Even

> tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM!  Hell, he's a MAJOR

> supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow.  I know it's just to

> protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me.  But, he read the letter

> nonetheless.  It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

> pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the birth.  She

> says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at nothing

to

> make sure she is in her grandchild's life. 

>

>

> He's FREAKED out!  And of course, he has FREAKED me out.  Now, we knew this

was

> coming.  We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and screaming

when

> the baby arrives.  And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she came

back,

> we would call the police for trespassing.  We go to therapy about this

monthly,

> and our therapist says the BP will not relent.  But, to hold to our boundaries

> of protecting the child.  Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I should

> just throw in the towel.  Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will pack

up

> and move out.  I am not as strong as you are.  I don't know if I have it in me

> to handle this.  I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

>

> Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation?  Should I let

> my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day?  Should I stay no contact and

write

> another no contact letter?  Is there any boundary making with this situation? 

> My husband says Mom is all or nothing.  Is it that simple?  WHAT DO I DO

HERE? 

> I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I did

> growing up.

>

> GOD HELP ME!  Any advice would be appreciated.

> Love to all you KO's out there.

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Please ask your ob/gys on about the effects of stress hormones on the fetus.

That's real, peer-reviewed science, and it may help you make your decision.

This is one time in your life when you really, truly cannot afford to be in a

state of panic.

Let your husband step into the role of protector and do what he has to do to

keep Nada away from you. Return the quilt or donate it to charity. You can buy

or make a quilt for your baby. If you stay in this state of heightened " fight

or flight " you can't do anything to negate the effect of all this stress on the

baby's development in utero.

Here is what happens to most of us when we have kids - we get real strong, real

tough, real determined - to protect our kids from our Nadas. You just need to

go ahead and get there NOW. Call it NC, stop questioning yourself, and do

something to deal with the worry - yoga, water aerobics, something - so you can

return to a calm state and keep growing a healthy baby.

Nada has survived this long without you. She'll survive without your child in

her life, too.

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to add my voice to the general support for your remaining NC. This

should be a HAPPY time for you and your husband-- please don't let your mother

take that away from you.

[Guest guest]

Dear Mandy

It sounds like if you stick to your NC guns you get the whole 9 yards

fairytale...loving nurturing mentally healthy husband and happy protected

mentally healthy child...in a peaceful future together.

If you give in to your NADA -who has spent your lifetime proving how unfit she

is to be in YOUR life (let alone ANOTHER innocent childs)- it sounds like you

will lose everything you have worked so hard for including the sanity and

presence of your husband. And if he gives up and moves away you will be left all

alone with nada to tear you and your child to emotional shreds. What will become

of your childs future life as he grows up in a FOG zone and maybe repeats the

whole cycle all over again?

I say this from the all-too uncomfortable position of just having had NADA stay

for 2 months (our son is 9 now so he could see through a lot of the crap) but

even with myself and hubby on maximum boundary alert she still emotionally

screwed him up - it has taken a whole month to see his smile come back.

And that hurts, when you see an adult steal the smile from a child.

You can and must do what you need to do to keep your family strong for you have

the chance to be a real mother!

All blessings and strength to you!

>

> EVERYONE! I NEED HELP!

> It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious support

> and guidance. I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years now.

> My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too, Mom is

an

> alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif)

coming

> to save the day. I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no longer

hold

> that title. I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05, to

not

> be contacted till 08. Obviously, I have still stayed NC. I relinquished my

> savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago. I have had a

> couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my own

9th

> Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am in

> CODA) And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

>

> Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters, anything

to

> try to get back into my life. But, I have spent a good deal in recovery, with

a

> therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the past

5

> years now. I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal life

with

> me and my husband.

>

> Here's the update today though: I am pregnant with my first child. My BP Mom

> found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally posted of

> me. Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or text.

> THANKS BE TO GOD! But, my birthday was last Monday. She mailed a gift to my

> Post Office Box. It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby gift.

> She handmade a quilt. It was beautiful. And also included a few items from

my

> registry. I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful. But, here is

where

> the BP kicks in. She called the post office 14 times to make sure that either

> my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day. It was embarrassing

> hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time. Talk

> about stalking?

>

> Now, here's the clincher. My husband received a letter from her today. Even

> tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM! Hell, he's a MAJOR

> supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow. I know it's just to

> protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me. But, he read the letter

> nonetheless. It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

> pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the birth. She

> says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at nothing

to

> make sure she is in her grandchild's life.

>

>

> He's FREAKED out! And of course, he has FREAKED me out. Now, we knew this

was

> coming. We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and screaming

when

> the baby arrives. And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she came

back,

> we would call the police for trespassing. We go to therapy about this

monthly,

> and our therapist says the BP will not relent. But, to hold to our boundaries

> of protecting the child. Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I should

> just throw in the towel. Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will pack

up

> and move out. I am not as strong as you are. I don't know if I have it in me

> to handle this. I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

>

> Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation? Should I let

> my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day? Should I stay no contact and

write

> another no contact letter? Is there any boundary making with this situation?

> My husband says Mom is all or nothing. Is it that simple? WHAT DO I DO HERE?

> I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I did

> growing up.

>

> GOD HELP ME! Any advice would be appreciated.

> Love to all you KO's out there.

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much to all who have responded to my HELP and cry-out letter. 

After some careful consideration, I have decided to save my own family unit and

not people-please the family that I once grew up in.  I will see my therapist

next week about this and together with her help, I will write another NC

letter.  My life has been peaceful and with no drama for the past 5 years.  I

don't ever want to hurt my child or see him affected by BP in any way.  The

child will not miss what it does not know.  NO exposure in the first place is

the right decision.

The guilt and shame will fade, I have learned to deal with it before, and I will

do it again.  Thank goodness I have therapy, online support with you guys/gals,

my feedback group and Coda.  I have all the tools I need to deal with this

situation.

Love again to all the KO's and husbands/wives of KO's.  Thanks again!

Mandy

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, March 9, 2011 4:23:19 AM

Subject: Re: Help! I am pregnant and the BP Mom wants back

in my life!

 

Dear Mandy

It sounds like if you stick to your NC guns you get the whole 9 yards

fairytale...loving nurturing mentally healthy husband and happy protected

mentally healthy child...in a peaceful future together.

If you give in to your NADA -who has spent your lifetime proving how unfit she

is to be in YOUR life (let alone ANOTHER innocent childs)- it sounds like you

will lose everything you have worked so hard for including the sanity and

presence of your husband. And if he gives up and moves away you will be left all

alone with nada to tear you and your child to emotional shreds. What will become

of your childs future life as he grows up in a FOG zone and maybe repeats the

whole cycle all over again?

I say this from the all-too uncomfortable position of just having had NADA stay

for 2 months (our son is 9 now so he could see through a lot of the crap) but

even with myself and hubby on maximum boundary alert she still emotionally

screwed him up - it has taken a whole month to see his smile come back.

And that hurts, when you see an adult steal the smile from a child.

You can and must do what you need to do to keep your family strong for you have

the chance to be a real mother!

All blessings and strength to you!

>

> EVERYONE!  I NEED HELP!

> It's been a couple years since I have posted, but I need some serious support

> and guidance.  I have been NC with my BP Mom and BP Sis for about 5 years

now. 

>

> My BP Sis (the Queen) overdosed back in 05, (yes, she's an addict too, Mom is

>an

>

> alcolholic) almost lost her kids, if it weren't for my BP Mom (the Waif)

coming

>

> to save the day.  I once wore that rescuer title in my FOO, but I no longer

>hold

>

> that title.  I wrote a no contact letter to both of them back in late 05, to

>not

>

> be contacted till 08.  Obviously, I have still stayed NC.  I relinquished my

> savior, scapegoat, parent to the parent ways many years ago.  I have had a

> couple of run-ins with my Mom and Sis at a funeral, a wedding, doing my own

9th

>

> Step with my Mom...(of course this 9th step was brought on by me-- I am in

> CODA)  And par for the few run-ins, we haven't had any contact.

>

> Sure mom has tried to manipulate, guilt, send cards, gifts, letters, anything

>to

>

> try to get back into my life.  But, I have spent a good deal in recovery,

with

>a

>

> therapist and with a ladies' feedback group to get support weekly for the past

>5

>

> years now.  I have had to let go of the FOG, and try to live a normal life

with

>

> me and my husband.

>

> Here's the update today though:  I am pregnant with my first child.  My BP

Mom

> found out through Facebook from a photo that my friend accidentally posted of

> me.  Since Dec, (when she found out) she has not tried to email, call or

text. 

>

> THANKS BE TO GOD!  But, my birthday was last Monday.  She mailed a gift to

my

> Post Office Box.  It was meant for my b-day, but it was obviously a baby

gift. 

>

> She handmade a quilt.  It was beautiful.  And also included a few items from

my

>

> registry.  I thought the gift was self-less and thoughtful.  But, here is

where

>

> the BP kicks in.  She called the post office 14 times to make sure that

either

> my hubby or myself had picked up the package THAT day.  It was embarrassing

> hearing that from the post office lady that we deal with all the time.  Talk

> about stalking?

>

> Now, here's the clincher.  My husband received a letter from her today. 

Even

> tho I am on no contact, and that should include HIM!  Hell, he's a MAJOR

> supporter, if not TOTAL pusher with this NC thing anyhow.  I know it's just

to

> protect me, but sometime he pushes a bit hard on me.  But, he read the letter

> nonetheless.  It basically said BP Mom wants to know details of how the

> pregnancy is coming along and she fully expects to be there at the birth. 

She

> says she wants her family back and that she will pretty much stop at nothing

to

>

> make sure she is in her grandchild's life. 

>

>

> He's FREAKED out!  And of course, he has FREAKED me out.  Now, we knew this

was

>

> coming.  We thought she would show up on the doorstep kicking and screaming

>when

>

> the baby arrives.  And we would kindly give her a warning, but if she came

>back,

>

> we would call the police for trespassing.  We go to therapy about this

monthly,

>

> and our therapist says the BP will not relent.  But, to hold to our

boundaries

> of protecting the child.  Well, he's basically saying, " Mandy, maybe I should

> just throw in the towel.  Let your Mom come down, live here, and I will pack

up

>

> and move out.  I am not as strong as you are.  I don't know if I have it in

me

> to handle this.  I didn't sign up for this shit " , etc etc etc.

>

> Is it possible to open up a limited contact with this situation?  Should I

let

> my Mom see the baby at Christmas and b-day?  Should I stay no contact and

write

>

> another no contact letter?  Is there any boundary making with this

situation? 

> My husband says Mom is all or nothing.  Is it that simple?  WHAT DO I DO

HERE? 

>

> I just want a healthy baby boy, and for him to experience no pain like I did

> growing up.

>

> GOD HELP ME!  Any advice would be appreciated.

> Love to all you KO's out there.

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

>

>