Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Hugs honey. I can only imagine it must be pretty amazing to find out you created life. I hope you will learn to find your voice though and fight back against your nada. Sending you all my support as you experience the miracle of life and death all in a short time. I'm with you, no kids. I'm turning 36 in 3 days, I know it still could happen, but I have no plans. I have found life to be difficult and ugly and I don't want to inflict that on another person. > > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and > upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her > pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only > reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, > because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I > am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in > the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, > because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I > would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food > for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are > supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was > self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get > pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you > know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't > want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever > did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I > had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and > I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting > me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it > down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of > you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame > anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her > at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day > bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I > am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of > a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to > mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress > for me. > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas > are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with > children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Jgar - I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Whether or not it's planned or wanted, this is still a big deal - physically and emotionally - and I don't think many of us go through the experience unscathed, no matter how it turns out. Girlscout - Here's what happened to me: I was child-free by choice for a long, long time, enjoyed the freedom to travel and go to school, and to pursue a career without worrying about being away from a child. I loved it, and plan to love it again real soon. At one point I chose to go ahead and have a child - there was some foot-dragging, I admit - because it was very important to my husband, we were settled and capable of supporting a child, and I felt secure enough that we could add the additional responsibility. So - long story short, we had the baby, I immediately felt a fierce love for him, but also had many - MANY - times when I longed for the life I'd had before. I did the best I could to raise him, put myself last (not something I recommend), and now that he's nearly grown and launched, I am REALLY looking forward to being able to schedule travel and recreation without having to worry about the school schedule. Would I have done things differently? Maybe. Would I have agreed to go through it all again if I'd known then what I know now? Possibly - it was a hell of a lot of work and sacrifice, but he's a really fine young man and I'm very proud of him. Would I tell him to wait as long as I did before having kids of his own? Absolutely. And I also tell him that it is crucial that children be born by choice and not by chance. Intentional parenting is one of the best gifts we can give our kids. It's all about having the choice and making it based on long, deep thought. So whatever your choice is, don't feel bad or unsure about it. You make your choices based on where you are in your life. No apologies, no reason to justify yourself to anybody. And if you change your mind later, you get to make that choice, too. > > > > > > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and > > upsetting? > > > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her > > pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only > > reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, > > because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I > > am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in > > the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, > > because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I > > would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food > > for thought. > > > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are > > supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was > > self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get > > pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you > > know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't > > want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever > > did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I > > had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and > > I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting > > me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it > > down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of > > you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame > > anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her > > at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day > > bring me. > > > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I > > am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of > > a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to > > mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress > > for me. > > > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas > > are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with > > children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm definitely child-free by choice because of the psychological damage growing up with my nada. That damage was already there by six years old when I remember very consciously thinking I will never ever bring a child into this world. Other girls had fun playing house, playing with dolls, but to me it was pointless and meaningless. I don't have memories and very little info of what my babyhood was like other than severe colic, but I do know I get very triggered when I'm around a loving mother and a baby. I've never felt that urge to have children that some women seem to feel strongly down in their bones. At the same time I think being a mother is the most important job in the world to do *right*. Jgar I can sure understand why you wouldn't want kids or the hell the nadas seem to unleash once there are grandkids in the picture. Still if you ever do want them it would seem sad somehow for your nada to be the reason not to. How much do these crazy mothers get to take away? > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 My relationship with my mother when I got pregnant just became weird. She ran around like a crazy person telling people she was 'worried sick' and one person even told me she said, " I don't know why wants to do this to me! " WHAT?! My sister had her daughter premature. She was in the NICU for about 2 weeks and my sister stayed at the hospital. My mother told she was getting 'too attached' and that is was weird she wouldn't leave the hospital. In all honesty, my mother never did anything with my kids when she was alive. She would give them money, but never her time. She was good about giving them birthday and Christmas money. She always gave money because a gift would require her getting off her butt. She would sometimes buy them a stuffed animal or something when they visited. She was better to my kids, though, than she ever was to me. Their relationship with her was little more than a brief phone conversation most of the time. Child-Free by Choice? Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Jgar: Wanted to comment on what you said below. I actually said this verbatem to my sister-in-law last year during the winter holiday. That I love my mother AND I hater her and sometimes I wish she were dead, which totally shocked her because she has a close loving relationship with her mother. I also told her that I felt my whole life that my mother was trying to destroy me, which may sound a little dramatic but it's how I felt and still feel when I talk to her. She has a very thin veneer of pretending to be loving but below the surface is just evil. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tue, March 8, 2011 9:28:25 AM Subject: Child-Free by Choice? Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I validate your feelings and feel the same way. I can't wait to be free of her She's like the proverbial albatross around my neck. Annie 2 > > > > Jgar: > Wanted to comment on what you said below. I actually said this verbatem to my > sister-in-law last year during the winter holiday. That I love my mother AND I > hater her and sometimes I wish she were dead, which totally shocked her because > she has a close loving relationship with her mother. I also told her that I > felt my whole life that my mother was trying to destroy me, which may sound a > little dramatic but it's how I felt and still feel when I talk to her. She has a > very thin veneer of pretending to be loving but below the surface is just evil. > Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't > blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE > her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day > bring me. > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Tue, March 8, 2011 9:28:25 AM > Subject: Child-Free by Choice? > > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, > and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, > she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because > although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four > weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of > a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't > trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to > terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are > supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was > self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get > pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you > know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't > want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did > change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had > to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I > operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and > reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and > keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still > have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who > doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same > time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am > sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a > miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate > the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. > > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at > least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, > how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 I was so convinced that i would never ever have children ( it just wasn't in my thinking and i was terrified of having a child be as unhappy as I was growing up) that when we became pregnant both hubby and I went into shock...for several months! After our son was born I have to sadly admit that I struggled to know how to behave as a mother, as I hadnt had any normal mothering modelled to me. The motherhood instinct did not automatically come, this made me feel guily and like a failure. Still, I knew I loved this tiny person, but it's hard to know what love is and how to give it out, when you are a KO. Nada came to visit when our son was 3 months old. She found everything wrong with him, and my mothering style. NADA decided I had munchausens syndrome after my 90th percentile healthy big boy to her looked underweight (!!!) She and FADA talked about getting hold of a passport for my son so they could take him off me and escape back to NZ to claim custody rights. I was in bits, unable to stand up to her I was crushed and broken. I hated her for destroying the happy memories of my young childs first few months - memories you can never get back or recreate. Husband stood up to them and sent them away from the house and read them the riot act. I remember looking down at my little son in my arms while they were all fighting and told him " they will not hurt you - you will not have the life I had " It was like I finally grew some backbone when there was someone weaker that needed protection. I don't know if that is the same thing as the mothering instinct. But everytime a situation threatens to hurt my child I grow a little more backbone. Now I would kill someone barehanded if they tried to hurt my child. SO I guess I am not like NADA after all. having said that, we just have 1 child. and yes I was too terrifed to have more, partly becasue of the continual hassle that would come from NADA. it gets very very draining to be hypervigilant all the time, unless you are 100% NC. W have seen NADA about 3 times in the last 9 years - every time she makes a swipe for my sons emotional security or negatively comments on his development or makes comments about gaining custody over us. It is not worth it any longer to keep giving her chances to repair her behaviour, not on my sons time, so LC/NC makes sense for us. We figure when he is 16 or 18 he can make his own decisions about how much conact he wants with the FOO, but he will be able to do it from an emotionally whole persepctive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 I can imagine this is still very hard to deal with. And no, I do NOT think you are a horrible person. You're also not alone in the childfree by choice department! I never wanted bio kids because of all the crazy that runs in my family. I know nada is a HUGE part of that. But no thanks, no bio kids for me. I also have endometriosis, have had 4 abdominal surgeries and #4 was a hysterectomy in January. It was more than just pain relief, it was psychological relief as well. I know now that I CANNOT have bio kids and I am glad for that. Also very glad that I feel pretty much no pain... I have to pat my belly to make sure my pelvis is still there lol. (The pain was reaaaaaaaally really bad prior to surgery, ugh.) Anyway, like I said you're not alone, and you're not a monster or anything like that at all. I'm glad you vented about this and we are here for you! *HUGS* Mia > > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and > upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her > pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only > reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, > because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I > am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in > the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, > because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I > would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food > for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are > supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was > self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get > pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you > know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't > want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever > did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I > had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and > I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting > me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it > down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of > you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame > anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her > at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day > bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I > am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of > a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to > mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress > for me. > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas > are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with > children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Jgar, no, no, no, you are not a horrible person and your post doesn't make you sound like one. I admire you for counting the cost! And I admire you for not thinking that magically, kids will change your mother's behavior and all will be well. I have 2 kids and although having them did involve my mother in my life a great deal, esp when they were babies, they also acted as a buffer to keep her and my father away. " oh, I can't come over, so and so's sick. " " It's raining and I don't want to take Sally out. " , etc. I sometimes wonder if I've done the opposite of you for the same effect: got married, had kids, to keep her away. My mother doesn't really like my husband and I love it! If she knows he's home, she most likely won't come over. And if she invites " us " over to her house, she usually means myself and the kids. Although she would deny this, I know it's true. I remember when I told my parents I was pregnant for the 2nd time. You'd expect your parents to hug you and congratulate you, right? This is what they said (picture being trapped in their livingroom): " oh NOW you've done it. you've really f***ed it up now. what were you thinking??? " I was horrified. My husband and I both work, you'd think we freeloaded off of them or something. To this day, I do not know why they reacted that way. I think I was too afraid to ask. I cut them both off for weeks. Finally, I wrote my mother a very honest letter. My father intercepted it and called me to say he wasn't giving it to her. He said, " don't you know your mother's mentally sick? this would kill her. " Meanwhile, he was the one leading the band with her, so to speak. Honestly, Jgar, I think you're brilliant to be cautious but also want to encourage you not to let fear completely affect your decision. You sound very wise and I think if you did decide to have children, you've built up good coping skills with your mother to help you deal with the boundaries you'll need to set with her. Best wishes, Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 > > > My relationship with my mother when I got pregnant just became weird. She ran around like a crazy person telling people she was 'worried sick' and one person even told me she said, " I don't know why wants to do this to me! " > > WHAT?! > > My sister had her daughter premature. She was in the NICU for about 2 weeks and my sister stayed at the hospital. My mother told she was getting 'too attached' and that is was weird she wouldn't leave the hospital. > > In all honesty, my mother never did anything with my kids when she was alive. She would give them money, but never her time. She was good about giving them birthday and Christmas money. She always gave money because a gift would require her getting off her butt. She would sometimes buy them a stuffed animal or something when they visited. She was better to my kids, though, than she ever was to me. Their relationship with her was little more than a brief phone conversation most of the time. > > > > > > > > > Child-Free by Choice? > > > > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Jgar, You are not horrible! These are real concerns that children of BPs have to consider when they decide if parenting is right for them. Like many of the members here, I also feel that I do not want to have children of my own. To me, motherhood feels negative because I've always associated it with nada. My nada has a nada (grandma nada ALSO had a nada I bet!) too and I just want the " cycle " to stop with me. I don't want to have to deal with nada trying to be a part of the baby's life etc. I agree that if motherhood became an option, it would only feel " right " if nada had passed away. I think it's very normal for children of BPs to not want to become parents... but from the posts I've read here, the ones who have become parents sound wonderful. I applaud the truly wonderful parents out there. I know there are many fantastic parents on this board, and their courage and love for their children is palpable. Jgar, I am relieved that you are okay. Best, -Cvidz. > > Warning: explicit and possibly upsetting information in this post. > > Although really, aren't all of our posts about our Nadas explicit and upsetting? > > I was just reading Mandy's post about trying to remain NC during her pregnancy, and it really hit home because of my current situation. > > I'm fairly certain I don't want children, and though Nada's not the only reason, she a big one. I've been thinking about this in a BIG way lately, because although I have an intrauterine device, I found out last week that I am four weeks pregnant. It's not a viable conception, so basically, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I have no sense of loss or any disappointment, because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and at this point in my life, I would have had to terminate any pregnancy anyway, but it does give one food for thought. > > See, I was SHOCKED when my doctor told me I was pregnant, because IUDs are supposed to be so effective. And I was relieved when she told me it was self-terminating. But I was also kind of pleased to learn that I *could* get pregnant, since until you actually get pregnant, it's all hypothetical, you know? Even my husband said, " I'm oddly proud of us! " And I thought, " I don't want children now, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever want kids, but if I ever did change my mind, would it even be an option while Mom's still alive? " > > I can't imagine the nightmare and constant battle my life would become if I had to protect my children from my mother. At this point in my life, she and I operate on a delicate equilibrium based on her not-so-obliquely insulting me and reminding me of what a wonderful mother she was, and me swallowing it down and keeping contact to a minimum when it gets to be too much. Those of you who still have any positive feelings for your mothers (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't) will know what I mean when I say I love her and HATE her at the same time, and frequently imagine the freedom her death will one day bring me. > > It's likely that this post makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I am sorry for anyone here who may have experienced emotional pain because of a miscarriage; I respect what you have gone through and am not trying to mitigate the experience-- it's just that mine is not a source of distress for me. > > Are there any others out there who are child-free by choice, whose Nadas are at least a factor in their decision to remain so? For those of you with children, how did your relationship with your Nada change when you had kids? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 I agree, I believe it shows a deep level of personal insight, emotional maturity, and reflecting on possibilities and assessing realities to decide whether to have a child or not. On some level we adult kids of the personality-disordered must realize that due to our own family background and upbringing, there are risk factors involved that need to be taken into consideration when making such a profound life-impacting decision. I knew pretty early on in life that I did not want to have children and feared marriage as well. In retrospect I suppose I was too enmeshed with nada and dad, too emotionally stunted/crippled, and too afraid of " turning into " my nada if I should marry and have a child. Nada had told me my whole life that I was " just like her " and I believed her and didn't WANT to be just like her, so... I did not follow in her footsteps. My younger Sister, on the other hand, pretty early on knew that she did want to be a wife and mother. She is very much like our dad's side of the family (very maternal/child-oriented) and so I guess her hard-wired desire for motherhood overcame her fears. She never married, but had a baby boy rather late in the game and raised him as best she could, being a single mother. She was mostly living in other countries/states as she raised her child, so they had very little in-person contact with our parents (or me) during the boy's growing-up years. He was a great kid and I found him fascinating and just darn adorable at every age. (He's one of the rare ones that didn't go through that sullen, nasty teen phase). He's now a college grad with a good job, and is a young husband and father himself, and I like to think that he got his wacky sense of humor from me. Sister was a good mom; her boy turned out fine. And I found that I was ideally suited to be an Auntie, and now I'm a Great Auntie. Yay! And I was a pretty good cat-mom, when I had cats. So, it truly is a deeply personal decision, and I hope that whatever you decide will work out the way you want and need it to. -Annie > > Jgar, > > You are not horrible! These are real concerns that children of BPs have to consider when they decide if parenting is right for them. > > Like many of the members here, I also feel that I do not want to have children of my own. To me, motherhood feels negative because I've always associated it with nada. My nada has a nada (grandma nada ALSO had a nada I bet!) too and I just want the " cycle " to stop with me. I don't want to have to deal with nada trying to be a part of the baby's life etc. I agree that if motherhood became an option, it would only feel " right " if nada had passed away. > > I think it's very normal for children of BPs to not want to become parents... but from the posts I've read here, the ones who have become parents sound wonderful. I applaud the truly wonderful parents out there. I know there are many fantastic parents on this board, and their courage and love for their children is palpable. > > Jgar, I am relieved that you are okay. > > Best, > > -Cvidz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thank you so much for your validation, for your sharing your stories, and for being the only people who can understand all this! I know I shouldn't be surprised, but it's amazing how many of you responded with stories of how your nadas made the birth of your child about them, or used your parenting as a new way to criticize or manipulate you. I am equally amazed, in a different way, by how many of you found it in yourselves to become parents despite what you suffered as children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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