Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 My original title for this post was going to be " Haha, f**k you! " but I wasn't sure if anybody would like an obscenity standing out in their inboxes. But really, whenever I think of good goals for myself, I think, " haha, fuck you, Dad! " Oh, it sounds mean when I write it out, but that shows how I feel. I think, when he disowned me nearly 2 years ago, he was probably expecting me to be a wreck without him. He was probably expecting me to run into trouble and break up with my fiance (now DH, btw) and come begging back to him, apologizing and asking for help with bills or whatever. Haha, f**k you Dad, I'll see your silent treatment and raise it to NC. So, it's a " f**k you " moment when I reach milestones or goals in spite of the little voice of doubt in my head. In spite of the sometimes disabling PTSD. In spite of...you get the idea. It's a great feeling, knowing I accomplished things myself, and am doing things on my own terms. I graduated college without help from my dad. I got married to my husband despite the fact that my family disliked him because he was a Protestant, and I'm Catholic. We had a good wedding, on our terms. I'm going to grad school now, and when I graduate, it'll be another one of those [expletive] moments. When DH and I are ready to have kids--and in response to the other thing about being child-free...that's something I refuse to let fada take away from me. I want children, and so does my husband. So, when we have children on our own terms, it'll be like, " haha, f**k you. " Right now, I've gained weight due to depression, definitely caused by PTSD and my dad. I used to be 135 on a 5'5 " . Now I'm more like 165. I gained that in 2 years. Now, to me, that feels like something my dad caused indirectly. And I don't like that. I've always wanted to run in a race, like a 5K or a half marathon or something. I don't like running, and I'm kind of a nerd who sits in front of her computer for much of the day, but I've always had this desire to feel the sense of accomplishment of running a race. Not to win, but to complete it. I want to get in shape. I like my food too much to diet, and I know I need to get exercising. And saying, " I want to lose 30 pounds " is kinda hard to achieve. So, if I have this firm goal of running in the Sept 11th half marathon, that's something to motivate me. I want to run that race and say, " Haha, f**k you Dad, and your negative voice in my head! I completed the half marathon! " I'm just a little bit scared about committing to such a goal, but I know it's the self-doubt that I grew up with-- " will I be good enough for him? " Well, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I want to beat the sh*t out of that voice and reach that goal. I'm a little bit sorry for this expletive-filled post, but I'm starting to feel anger toward my dad for what he has done. and what better way to work off that anger than on the pavement (or treadmill?) And what better way to blow off steam than by swearing more prolifically than Rahm f**king Emanuel? LOL. Off to the exercise room to start working toward my goal. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I know what you mean. For most of my life I have been a perfectionistic overacheiver. I've thought that if people could just see all the things I have acheived, they would realize nada was lying about me when she told them how horrible I am. The more I learn about perfectionism though, I realize it has defined me and is a real problem. My T gave me a quote on a little post it the other day. It says " To love and be loved is the meaning of life, " essentially. So I'm trying not to worry as much about being impressive, and working harder on building deep relationships with just a handful of dear people. People who don't expect me to dance, deliver stand up, make their dinner, organize their closets and pick up their dry cleaning - and still say I haven't done enough, been enough, accomplished enough -that I'll never be perfect. They are right. I will never be perfect. But maybe I could have love instead???? That's my issue right now. Perfectionism. > > > My original title for this post was going to be " Haha, f**k you! " but I > wasn't sure if anybody would like an obscenity standing out in their > inboxes. > > But really, whenever I think of good goals for myself, I think, " haha, fuck > you, Dad! " > > Oh, it sounds mean when I write it out, but that shows how I feel. I think, > when he disowned me nearly 2 years ago, he was probably expecting me to be a > wreck without him. He was probably expecting me to run into trouble and > break up with my fiance (now DH, btw) and come begging back to him, > apologizing and asking for help with bills or whatever. Haha, f**k you Dad, > I'll see your silent treatment and raise it to NC. > > So, it's a " f**k you " moment when I reach milestones or goals in spite of > the little voice of doubt in my head. In spite of the sometimes disabling > PTSD. In spite of...you get the idea. It's a great feeling, knowing I > accomplished things myself, and am doing things on my own terms. > > I graduated college without help from my dad. I got married to my husband > despite the fact that my family disliked him because he was a Protestant, > and I'm Catholic. We had a good wedding, on our terms. > > I'm going to grad school now, and when I graduate, it'll be another one of > those [expletive] moments. When DH and I are ready to have kids--and in > response to the other thing about being child-free...that's something I > refuse to let fada take away from me. I want children, and so does my > husband. So, when we have children on our own terms, it'll be like, " haha, > f**k you. " > > Right now, I've gained weight due to depression, definitely caused by PTSD > and my dad. I used to be 135 on a 5'5 " . Now I'm more like 165. I gained that > in 2 years. Now, to me, that feels like something my dad caused indirectly. > And I don't like that. > > I've always wanted to run in a race, like a 5K or a half marathon or > something. I don't like running, and I'm kind of a nerd who sits in front of > her computer for much of the day, but I've always had this desire to feel > the sense of accomplishment of running a race. Not to win, but to complete > it. I want to get in shape. I like my food too much to diet, and I know I > need to get exercising. And saying, " I want to lose 30 pounds " is kinda hard > to achieve. So, if I have this firm goal of running in the Sept 11th half > marathon, that's something to motivate me. > > I want to run that race and say, " Haha, f**k you Dad, and your negative > voice in my head! I completed the half marathon! " > > I'm just a little bit scared about committing to such a goal, but I know > it's the self-doubt that I grew up with-- " will I be good enough for him? " > Well, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I want to beat the sh*t out of > that voice and reach that goal. > > I'm a little bit sorry for this expletive-filled post, but I'm starting to > feel anger toward my dad for what he has done. and what better way to work > off that anger than on the pavement (or treadmill?) And what better way to > blow off steam than by swearing more prolifically than Rahm f**king Emanuel? > > > LOL. Off to the exercise room to start working toward my goal. > > Holly > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Good for you for focusing your anger and releasing it in positive ways. I find that to be true, myself, that anger can be both empowering and energizing; when I've got anger-energy I like to put it to good use: I clean that damned floor or organize that effing closet, grrrrr! I used to walk a lot, too, when I was quite a bit younger and angry and frustrated; walking was a great way to drain off the anger " buzz " in a productive way. I'm not nearly as angry as I used to be, and darn it, my closets sure do need organizing. -Annie > > My original title for this post was going to be " Haha, f**k you! " but I wasn't sure if anybody would like an obscenity standing out in their inboxes. > > But really, whenever I think of good goals for myself, I think, " haha, fuck you, Dad! " > > Oh, it sounds mean when I write it out, but that shows how I feel. I think, when he disowned me nearly 2 years ago, he was probably expecting me to be a wreck without him. He was probably expecting me to run into trouble and break up with my fiance (now DH, btw) and come begging back to him, apologizing and asking for help with bills or whatever. Haha, f**k you Dad, I'll see your silent treatment and raise it to NC. > > So, it's a " f**k you " moment when I reach milestones or goals in spite of the little voice of doubt in my head. In spite of the sometimes disabling PTSD. In spite of...you get the idea. It's a great feeling, knowing I accomplished things myself, and am doing things on my own terms. > > I graduated college without help from my dad. I got married to my husband despite the fact that my family disliked him because he was a Protestant, and I'm Catholic. We had a good wedding, on our terms. > > I'm going to grad school now, and when I graduate, it'll be another one of those [expletive] moments. When DH and I are ready to have kids--and in response to the other thing about being child-free...that's something I refuse to let fada take away from me. I want children, and so does my husband. So, when we have children on our own terms, it'll be like, " haha, f**k you. " > > Right now, I've gained weight due to depression, definitely caused by PTSD and my dad. I used to be 135 on a 5'5 " . Now I'm more like 165. I gained that in 2 years. Now, to me, that feels like something my dad caused indirectly. And I don't like that. > > I've always wanted to run in a race, like a 5K or a half marathon or something. I don't like running, and I'm kind of a nerd who sits in front of her computer for much of the day, but I've always had this desire to feel the sense of accomplishment of running a race. Not to win, but to complete it. I want to get in shape. I like my food too much to diet, and I know I need to get exercising. And saying, " I want to lose 30 pounds " is kinda hard to achieve. So, if I have this firm goal of running in the Sept 11th half marathon, that's something to motivate me. > > I want to run that race and say, " Haha, f**k you Dad, and your negative voice in my head! I completed the half marathon! " > > I'm just a little bit scared about committing to such a goal, but I know it's the self-doubt that I grew up with-- " will I be good enough for him? " Well, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I want to beat the sh*t out of that voice and reach that goal. > > I'm a little bit sorry for this expletive-filled post, but I'm starting to feel anger toward my dad for what he has done. and what better way to work off that anger than on the pavement (or treadmill?) And what better way to blow off steam than by swearing more prolifically than Rahm f**king Emanuel? > > LOL. Off to the exercise room to start working toward my goal. > > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I was a sailor. Profanity? GF you aint said shit! lol Interesting, I m doing some training on helping people grief, stress, and PTSD issues, and I come on here today and 2 of my fellow KO s have issues with grief and PTSD. Spooky. Keep up the postitive self talk. Set small, achievable goals. You want to lose weight? I ve had good success with wieght watchers and working with a nutritionist. and walking biking and hitting the gym a bit. Need to do it again, but a few years ago lost 50 lbs in 6 months. You want to do a half marathon? Start with 100 yards. Add 100 yards a day. Reward yourself for each milestone. and yea, f**k that voice in your head. We believe in you. Go HOlly GO Holly GO Holly Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Shortly after I went NC, I ran a marathon. Best. Feeling. Ever! > > My original title for this post was going to be " Haha, f**k you! " but I wasn't sure if anybody would like an obscenity standing out in their inboxes. > > But really, whenever I think of good goals for myself, I think, " haha, fuck you, Dad! " > > Oh, it sounds mean when I write it out, but that shows how I feel. I think, when he disowned me nearly 2 years ago, he was probably expecting me to be a wreck without him. He was probably expecting me to run into trouble and break up with my fiance (now DH, btw) and come begging back to him, apologizing and asking for help with bills or whatever. Haha, f**k you Dad, I'll see your silent treatment and raise it to NC. > > So, it's a " f**k you " moment when I reach milestones or goals in spite of the little voice of doubt in my head. In spite of the sometimes disabling PTSD. In spite of...you get the idea. It's a great feeling, knowing I accomplished things myself, and am doing things on my own terms. > > I graduated college without help from my dad. I got married to my husband despite the fact that my family disliked him because he was a Protestant, and I'm Catholic. We had a good wedding, on our terms. > > I'm going to grad school now, and when I graduate, it'll be another one of those [expletive] moments. When DH and I are ready to have kids--and in response to the other thing about being child-free...that's something I refuse to let fada take away from me. I want children, and so does my husband. So, when we have children on our own terms, it'll be like, " haha, f**k you. " > > Right now, I've gained weight due to depression, definitely caused by PTSD and my dad. I used to be 135 on a 5'5 " . Now I'm more like 165. I gained that in 2 years. Now, to me, that feels like something my dad caused indirectly. And I don't like that. > > I've always wanted to run in a race, like a 5K or a half marathon or something. I don't like running, and I'm kind of a nerd who sits in front of her computer for much of the day, but I've always had this desire to feel the sense of accomplishment of running a race. Not to win, but to complete it. I want to get in shape. I like my food too much to diet, and I know I need to get exercising. And saying, " I want to lose 30 pounds " is kinda hard to achieve. So, if I have this firm goal of running in the Sept 11th half marathon, that's something to motivate me. > > I want to run that race and say, " Haha, f**k you Dad, and your negative voice in my head! I completed the half marathon! " > > I'm just a little bit scared about committing to such a goal, but I know it's the self-doubt that I grew up with-- " will I be good enough for him? " Well, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I want to beat the sh*t out of that voice and reach that goal. > > I'm a little bit sorry for this expletive-filled post, but I'm starting to feel anger toward my dad for what he has done. and what better way to work off that anger than on the pavement (or treadmill?) And what better way to blow off steam than by swearing more prolifically than Rahm f**king Emanuel? > > LOL. Off to the exercise room to start working toward my goal. > > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Great post, Holly. And I will join you in a hearty " haha f*ck you, holly's dad! " > > My original title for this post was going to be " Haha, f**k you! " but I wasn't sure if anybody would like an obscenity standing out in their inboxes. > > But really, whenever I think of good goals for myself, I think, " haha, fuck you, Dad! " > > Oh, it sounds mean when I write it out, but that shows how I feel. I think, when he disowned me nearly 2 years ago, he was probably expecting me to be a wreck without him. He was probably expecting me to run into trouble and break up with my fiance (now DH, btw) and come begging back to him, apologizing and asking for help with bills or whatever. Haha, f**k you Dad, I'll see your silent treatment and raise it to NC. > > So, it's a " f**k you " moment when I reach milestones or goals in spite of the little voice of doubt in my head. In spite of the sometimes disabling PTSD. In spite of...you get the idea. It's a great feeling, knowing I accomplished things myself, and am doing things on my own terms. > > I graduated college without help from my dad. I got married to my husband despite the fact that my family disliked him because he was a Protestant, and I'm Catholic. We had a good wedding, on our terms. > > I'm going to grad school now, and when I graduate, it'll be another one of those [expletive] moments. When DH and I are ready to have kids--and in response to the other thing about being child-free...that's something I refuse to let fada take away from me. I want children, and so does my husband. So, when we have children on our own terms, it'll be like, " haha, f**k you. " > > Right now, I've gained weight due to depression, definitely caused by PTSD and my dad. I used to be 135 on a 5'5 " . Now I'm more like 165. I gained that in 2 years. Now, to me, that feels like something my dad caused indirectly. And I don't like that. > > I've always wanted to run in a race, like a 5K or a half marathon or something. I don't like running, and I'm kind of a nerd who sits in front of her computer for much of the day, but I've always had this desire to feel the sense of accomplishment of running a race. Not to win, but to complete it. I want to get in shape. I like my food too much to diet, and I know I need to get exercising. And saying, " I want to lose 30 pounds " is kinda hard to achieve. So, if I have this firm goal of running in the Sept 11th half marathon, that's something to motivate me. > > I want to run that race and say, " Haha, f**k you Dad, and your negative voice in my head! I completed the half marathon! " > > I'm just a little bit scared about committing to such a goal, but I know it's the self-doubt that I grew up with-- " will I be good enough for him? " Well, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn. I want to beat the sh*t out of that voice and reach that goal. > > I'm a little bit sorry for this expletive-filled post, but I'm starting to feel anger toward my dad for what he has done. and what better way to work off that anger than on the pavement (or treadmill?) And what better way to blow off steam than by swearing more prolifically than Rahm f**king Emanuel? > > LOL. Off to the exercise room to start working toward my goal. > > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.