Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I need to rant a minute here. A couple years ago when my nada was in such poor shape I was worried she'd have to go to a nursing home soon I persuaded her to allow the county social worker to evaluate her for free services. This was a miracle in itself. That she even agreed to it showed how bad off she was. Well, she lied to the social worker making herself sound more capable than she was and she lied about how much help she'd get from her sister. But still she was eligible for a brief amount of weekly maid type service. The person they sent (from nada's account) was rude and left early. Then for the next period of months my nada said no one came, she got a letter the county cut off funding for the program, etc. It was disappointing but nada's functioning had improved some so it was ok. During that brief window that she agreed to accept help, I felt this huge burden lift off me. Finally finally someone who isn't me will do stuff for her. Well today I find out SHE LIED - she called up county services and told them she didn't need help after all because the maid pissed her off. So that means she forgot she lied to me, and she told an elaborate web of " poor me " lies over a period of *months* that it was the county's fault that she never got any more free maid service! I'm trying - hard - to remember that emotionally she's basically two years old. Trying - hard - to remember that this is probably going to look really minor compared to the shit she will likely pull as her ability to control her situation lessens with future disability. But...right now, I just feel like calling her a liar and telling her she's on her own. Oh and how did this come up, because right now I'm working on trying to find her paid help because she's declining again - and I was trying to include her input in the screening process. GAAAAH. Thanks for listening, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Feel better? Their behaviour is infuriating. Doug > > I need to rant a minute here. A couple years ago when my nada was in such poor shape I was worried she'd have to go to a nursing home soon I persuaded her to allow the county social worker to evaluate her for free services. This was a miracle in itself. That she even agreed to it showed how bad off she was. Well, she lied to the social worker making herself sound more capable than she was and she lied about how much help she'd get from her sister. But still she was eligible for a brief amount of weekly maid type service. The person they sent (from nada's account) was rude and left early. Then for the next period of months my nada said no one came, she got a letter the county cut off funding for the program, etc. It was disappointing but nada's functioning had improved some so it was ok. > > During that brief window that she agreed to accept help, I felt this huge burden lift off me. Finally finally someone who isn't me will do stuff for her. Well today I find out SHE LIED - she called up county services and told them she didn't need help after all because the maid pissed her off. So that means she forgot she lied to me, and she told an elaborate web of " poor me " lies over a period of *months* that it was the county's fault that she never got any more free maid service! > > I'm trying - hard - to remember that emotionally she's basically two years old. Trying - hard - to remember that this is probably going to look really minor compared to the shit she will likely pull as her ability to control her situation lessens with future disability. But...right now, I just feel like calling her a liar and telling her she's on her own. > > Oh and how did this come up, because right now I'm working on trying to find her paid help because she's declining again - and I was trying to include her input in the screening process. GAAAAH. > > Thanks for listening, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Doug, is what I'm describing BPD behavior? Sometimes I worry about which parts of it are just ordinary human crappy behavior and which parts are really abnormal. I'd like to think that most elderly parents wouldn't do that kinda thing to their only child who is trying to make sure they have decent living conditions... > > > > I need to rant a minute here. A couple years ago when my nada was in > such poor shape I was worried she'd have to go to a nursing home soon I > persuaded her to allow the county social worker to evaluate her for free > services. This was a miracle in itself. That she even agreed to it > showed how bad off she was. Well, she lied to the social worker making > herself sound more capable than she was and she lied about how much help > she'd get from her sister. But still she was eligible for a brief amount > of weekly maid type service. The person they sent (from nada's account) > was rude and left early. Then for the next period of months my nada said > no one came, she got a letter the county cut off funding for the > program, etc. It was disappointing but nada's functioning had improved > some so it was ok. > > > > During that brief window that she agreed to accept help, I felt this > huge burden lift off me. Finally finally someone who isn't me will do > stuff for her. Well today I find out SHE LIED - she called up county > services and told them she didn't need help after all because the maid > pissed her off. So that means she forgot she lied to me, and she told an > elaborate web of " poor me " lies over a period of *months* that it was > the county's fault that she never got any more free maid service! > > > > I'm trying - hard - to remember that emotionally she's basically two > years old. Trying - hard - to remember that this is probably going to > look really minor compared to the shit she will likely pull as her > ability to control her situation lessens with future disability. > But...right now, I just feel like calling her a liar and telling her > she's on her own. > > > > Oh and how did this come up, because right now I'm working on trying > to find her paid help because she's declining again - and I was trying > to include her input in the screening process. GAAAAH. > > > > Thanks for listening, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 I think the part that makes this reek of BPD is that her emotions are so fragile that the maid pissed her off quickly. Most of us can handle a little bit of friction or communication or whatever with someone. She probably just didn't like the way the helper wiped the toast crumbs! On Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 12:13 AM, climberkayak wrote: > > > Doug, is what I'm describing BPD behavior? Sometimes I worry about which > parts of it are just ordinary human crappy behavior and which parts are > really abnormal. I'd like to think that most elderly parents wouldn't do > that kinda thing to their only child who is trying to make sure they have > decent living conditions... > > > > > > > > > > > I need to rant a minute here. A couple years ago when my nada was in > > such poor shape I was worried she'd have to go to a nursing home soon I > > persuaded her to allow the county social worker to evaluate her for free > > services. This was a miracle in itself. That she even agreed to it > > showed how bad off she was. Well, she lied to the social worker making > > herself sound more capable than she was and she lied about how much help > > she'd get from her sister. But still she was eligible for a brief amount > > of weekly maid type service. The person they sent (from nada's account) > > was rude and left early. Then for the next period of months my nada said > > no one came, she got a letter the county cut off funding for the > > program, etc. It was disappointing but nada's functioning had improved > > some so it was ok. > > > > > > During that brief window that she agreed to accept help, I felt this > > huge burden lift off me. Finally finally someone who isn't me will do > > stuff for her. Well today I find out SHE LIED - she called up county > > services and told them she didn't need help after all because the maid > > pissed her off. So that means she forgot she lied to me, and she told an > > elaborate web of " poor me " lies over a period of *months* that it was > > the county's fault that she never got any more free maid service! > > > > > > I'm trying - hard - to remember that emotionally she's basically two > > years old. Trying - hard - to remember that this is probably going to > > look really minor compared to the shit she will likely pull as her > > ability to control her situation lessens with future disability. > > But...right now, I just feel like calling her a liar and telling her > > she's on her own. > > > > > > Oh and how did this come up, because right now I'm working on trying > > to find her paid help because she's declining again - and I was trying > > to include her input in the screening process. GAAAAH. > > > > > > Thanks for listening, > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Uh, yea. Doug > > Doug, is what I'm describing BPD behavior? Sometimes I worry about which parts of it are just ordinary human crappy behavior and which parts are really abnormal. I'd like to think that most elderly parents wouldn't do that kinda thing to their only child who is trying to make sure they have decent living conditions... > > > > > Thanks for listening, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 , What you describe sounds very much like BPD behavior to me. She may have been looking for some excuse to complain about the maid because she needed to feel more in control of the situation or because she decided that the maid wasn't her own idea and thus wasn't something she wanted.A normal person might get upset at a maid's behavior but would probably try to arrange for a different maid rather than cancelling a free service. A normal person wouldn't construct a web of lies if she'd fired a maid for good reason. Some BPD behavior is version of what normal people occasionally think or do but applied more intensely and in response to inappropriate situations. Taken individually and without further explanation of the circumstances, it may seem like some of their behaviors could be ordinary crappy human behavior but when taken as a pattern together with all the circumstances taken into account, it is apparent that they're not normal. At 02:13 AM 03/09/2011 climberkayak wrote: >Doug, is what I'm describing BPD behavior? Sometimes I worry >about which parts of it are just ordinary human crappy behavior >and which parts are really abnormal. I'd like to think that >most elderly parents wouldn't do that kinda thing to their only >child who is trying to make sure they have decent living >conditions... > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks GS and Doug for the confirmation. The thing I'm worried about is that no maid, no nurse, no housesitter will ever be able to not offend her - cause she wants slaves - and at some point there'll be no choice about her needing help. Then it's gonna be bigtime fireworks and nobody's going to be happy. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks Katrina, yep there's definitely a pattern of this stuff. It also seems to get intense as she fears to lose control. It seems she is completely unable to accept any advice, idea, or help that is not her own and that would be okay if she didn't refuse to take care of herself. > >Doug, is what I'm describing BPD behavior? Sometimes I worry > >about which parts of it are just ordinary human crappy behavior > >and which parts are really abnormal. I'd like to think that > >most elderly parents wouldn't do that kinda thing to their only > >child who is trying to make sure they have decent living > >conditions... > > > > > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 I hope you feel better after venting . And you have every right to be upset, she lied to you about all this bologna. Not cool. I think this is BPD behavior for sure. Sounds a lot like my grandnada. When my grandpa was sick and in the later stages of Parkinson's Disease, grandnada hired nurses, but she would go through them like some people go through underwear! It went something like this... nurse #1 stole from her, #2 hit my grandpa, then her, #3 was a bitch, #4 another thief. Come on now! Yes, all of those things can happen when you hire an aid or a nurse to do home care, but 4 in a row? Especially given where she lives! Again, not to say there are NO dishonest people in that area, but it's quaint & laid back way more than the area I grew up in. I just have a hard time believing that she went through as many nurses as she did and all of them were that bad. Then again, grandnada has the martyr type of personality. " Oh, poor me, I *HAD* to take care of him 24-7, couldn't even go shopping " blah blah blah. Know what she did after he died? nothing! She STILL didn't hardly go shopping. She moved out of state & across the street from nada and we did everything for her. She only lived there 2 years before moving back, but I do remember her getting into a car accident one of the very few times she did go to the grocery store alone. I couldn't help but wonder if she did it on purpose just to " prove " to us that she couldn't be trusted to drive. She was in her 70s, I took her to umpteen billion doc apts, they couldn't find anything wrong =\ not to say that 70 year olds don't ache/hurt or feel more tired than younger folks, but oh my. I think she's the waif type of BPD to be honest. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent. The whole point was to tell you that yes, I do think your nada's behavior sounds like BPD. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks Mia, that sure sounds familiar with your grandnada. It's like they want to set things up so that it is *you* who has to come help them or feel guilty over them. No one else will do! I think even if no one helps them, somehow they thrive over having others worry over them. > > I hope you feel better after venting . And you have every right to be > upset, she lied to you about all this bologna. Not cool. > > I think this is BPD behavior for sure. Sounds a lot like my grandnada. > When my grandpa was sick and in the later stages of Parkinson's Disease, > grandnada hired nurses, but she would go through them like some people go > through underwear! It went something like this... nurse #1 stole from her, > #2 hit my grandpa, then her, #3 was a bitch, #4 another thief. Come on now! > Yes, all of those things can happen when you hire an aid or a nurse to do > home care, but 4 in a row? Especially given where she lives! Again, not to > say there are NO dishonest people in that area, but it's quaint & laid back > way more than the area I grew up in. I just have a hard time believing that > she went through as many nurses as she did and all of them were that bad. > > Then again, grandnada has the martyr type of personality. " Oh, poor me, I > *HAD* to take care of him 24-7, couldn't even go shopping " blah blah blah. > Know what she did after he died? nothing! She STILL didn't hardly go > shopping. She moved out of state & across the street from nada and we did > everything for her. > > She only lived there 2 years before moving back, but I do remember her > getting into a car accident one of the very few times she did go to the > grocery store alone. I couldn't help but wonder if she did it on purpose > just to " prove " to us that she couldn't be trusted to drive. > > She was in her 70s, I took her to umpteen billion doc apts, they couldn't > find anything wrong =\ not to say that 70 year olds don't ache/hurt or feel > more tired than younger folks, but oh my. I think she's the waif type of BPD > to be honest. > > Anyway, I'm off on a tangent. The whole point was to tell you that yes, I > do think your nada's behavior sounds like BPD. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Yep, I agree . She lived 6 hours away from us at that time, I don't know if she just wanted me or nada or both of us to just move down there or what, but no, no thanks! It's like now with the phone call/s from grandnada. I had to explain to my college today what was going on and also had to explain that if she or nada did show up, they would NEVER admit to anything they had done & would play the " poor me " card... I'm sure you know what that's like. " Ooh poor me, my (grand)daughter won't speak to us! I just don't know what I ever did! I was only ever good to her " blah blah freaking blah. Maybe I should call it the " pity me " card. It really is sickening. Sorry you're going through this . I obviously can't tell you what to do, but if it were me I'd refuse to help her with any assistance at this point and there's no reason YOU have to do it all. Mia > > > Thanks Mia, that sure sounds familiar with your grandnada. It's like they > want to set things up so that it is *you* who has to come help them or feel > guilty over them. No one else will do! I think even if no one helps them, > somehow they thrive over having others worry over them. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hmm, could the helper be ordered to wear noise blocking headphones? I don't mean to make light - really, I'm serious. They could just report to you and ignore her? > > > Yep, I agree . She lived 6 hours away from us at that time, I don't > know if she just wanted me or nada or both of us to just move down there or > what, but no, no thanks! > > It's like now with the phone call/s from grandnada. I had to explain to my > college today what was going on and also had to explain that if she or nada > did show up, they would NEVER admit to anything they had done & would play > the " poor me " card... I'm sure you know what that's like. " Ooh poor me, my > (grand)daughter won't speak to us! I just don't know what I ever did! I was > only ever good to her " blah blah freaking blah. Maybe I should call it the > " pity me " card. > > It really is sickening. > > Sorry you're going through this . I obviously can't tell you what to > do, but if it were me I'd refuse to help her with any assistance at this > point and there's no reason YOU have to do it all. > > Mia > > > On Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 6:01 PM, climberkayak > wrote: > > > > > > > Thanks Mia, that sure sounds familiar with your grandnada. It's like they > > want to set things up so that it is *you* who has to come help them or > feel > > guilty over them. No one else will do! I think even if no one helps them, > > somehow they thrive over having others worry over them. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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