Update: my progress with Medium Chill

[Guest guest]

A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us this

summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left alone

with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You gave

excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of dates

(so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

[Guest guest]

- thank you so much for this post! It's exactly what I needed today. I

have been agonizing over making the decision to go extreme LC with my nada or

just straight to NC. I'm not sure if I'm to the NC point yet with her, but

thanks to your post, I think " Medium Chill " may work for me, at least for now.

I do have a question for you though, if you don't mind. When you made the

decision to go " MC " , did you tell your nada you were going to do it, or did you

just do it? My DH and I are split on this one, and my T as well. My T thinks

that I should contact her and outline my " terms " for contact, but DH thinks we

should just continue to do what we have been doing which is LC for now, but just

ramp it up a little more, but not tell her what we are doing. I'm kinda on the

fence about it all and would welcome any advice or opinions. Thanks!

>

> A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us this

summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left alone

with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You gave

excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of dates

(so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad that " Medium Chill " resonates with you. I think that's really smart to

have a plan and a strategy in place, and even a back-up plan as well. That's

very impressive; thanks for the update!

Here's the " Medium Chill " technique (author: " Stargazer " )

" I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal with

a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a friend

whose mother suffers from BPD.

Medium chill:

When they lash out - show no anger

When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

Medium chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability to

generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited Contact.

 They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already for a very

long time.  The same friend who introduced me to these boards also introduced

me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a little while

and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more that taps into

the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master.     It's a bit late here

and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly eloquent as I

type this tonight....

It's about more than just boundaries.

To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

(1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

(2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

(attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot

buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs

are).  So don't let them know your hot buttons.

Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?  Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon.  I swear, it really does work.

Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're sensitive

about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are

upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?

Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions?  Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame?  Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the

emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset.  So don't ever show yourself getting upset.  If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved.  I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

 I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner

pain by making me feel pain too.  

Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting with

her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

 There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead.  It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter.  But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.  

Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high.  If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.  We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

.... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul. "

~ Stargazer

-Annie

>

> A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us this

summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left alone

with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You gave

excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of dates

(so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, this is a rant. Let me preclude this by saying I am very glad that you

have found a method that allows you to have safe interaction with your nada.

Does Medium Chill seem pointless to anyone else? I mean, WAIT, don't get mad

that I said that, but I just don't see the point of having a relationship with

someone where it's not a relationship, it's just me interacting with nada and

trying not to let her get to me...all the time. Why should I even bother? I

would rather just go NC.

The idea of medium chill just makes me angry! It's funny because my T is trying

to get me to acknowledge a similar technique of being able to interact with her

but not react to her manipulation, and frankly I don't want to. I see no point.

If she sends me email, I just want to delete it. If she tries to call, I want to

ignore her or delete the voicemail. If she sends mail, I want to throw it away.

I want no interaction with her even on medium chill. I do not see why I should

have to treat an adult like a 2 year old child. I feel like medium chill would

just be another way of enabling her to continue to be a 2 year old child.

I'm not knocking that medium chill works for you. I am GLAD it works for you. I

guess it just confuses me because I desire no contact with my nada. I went to

visit her at Christmas, before I knew about BPD, and tried a medium chill of my

own. Basically, it was me eating all my own responses and emotions so that she

wouldn't be getting to me and so " we " (actually just her) could have a good

visit. It ended with her violently raging and basically holding me hostage with

the threat of volatile explosions and fear she would try to hurt herself or

myself for two days after the raging started. And that was ON medium chill. Hah!

I guess it's just amazing that BPD responses can be so wide-ranging. I can see

why it's considered uncurable. If my nada chose to seek treatment, then I could

stomach doing medium chill so I could help her with her journey through therapy.

So I could be there for her. But until then, I'm not on medium chill, I'm on

below freaking zero freezing. NO CONTACT.

> >

> > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I echo what you're saying. I agree with you but why is your T telling you to

deal with this person? I met a T once whose therapeutic goal was to get families

back together. I was blown away by this. There's more to this but WTF? Sounds so

nice but its not nice at all.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Update: my progress with Medium Chill

Sorry, this is a rant. Let me preclude this by saying I am very glad that you

have found a method that allows you to have safe interaction with your nada.

Does Medium Chill seem pointless to anyone else? I mean, WAIT, don't get mad

that I said that, but I just don't see the point of having a relationship with

someone where it's not a relationship, it's just me interacting with nada and

trying not to let her get to me...all the time. Why should I even bother? I

would rather just go NC.

The idea of medium chill just makes me angry! It's funny because my T is trying

to get me to acknowledge a similar technique of being able to interact with her

but not react to her manipulation, and frankly I don't want to. I see no point.

If she sends me email, I just want to delete it. If she tries to call, I want to

ignore her or delete the voicemail. If she sends mail, I want to throw it away.

I want no interaction with her even on medium chill. I do not see why I should

have to treat an adult like a 2 year old child. I feel like medium chill would

just be another way of enabling her to continue to be a 2 year old child.

I'm not knocking that medium chill works for you. I am GLAD it works for you. I

guess it just confuses me because I desire no contact with my nada. I went to

visit her at Christmas, before I knew about BPD, and tried a medium chill of my

own. Basically, it was me eating all my own responses and emotions so that she

wouldn't be getting to me and so " we " (actually just her) could have a good

visit. It ended with her violently raging and basically holding me hostage with

the threat of volatile explosions and fear she would try to hurt herself or

myself for two days after the raging started. And that was ON medium chill. Hah!

I guess it's just amazing that BPD responses can be so wide-ranging. I can see

why it's considered uncurable. If my nada chose to seek treatment, then I could

stomach doing medium chill so I could help her with her journey through therapy.

So I could be there for her. But until then, I'm not on medium chill, I'm on

below freaking zero freezing. NO CONTACT.

> >

> > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this. It really helps!

> >

> > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, T and I are trying to figure out what my goal in all this should be. We

had miscommunication about what he meant by relationship and what I meant. He

wants me to be able to ignore her and throw her stuff away, etc. But he kept

using the word relationship and it was setting me off. I think this week I am

going to get us on the same page about this explicitly.

> > >

> > > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a wonderful description of most of what I mean when I

say " the only way to win is to not play " and " since you can't

control your nada/fada you can only control how you react to

her/him " . Thanks for sharing it.

At 04:12 PM 03/09/2011 anuria67854 wrote:

>I'm glad that " Medium Chill " resonates with you. I think

>that's really smart to have a plan and a strategy in place, and

>even a back-up plan as well. That's very impressive; thanks

>for the update!

>

>Here's the " Medium Chill " technique (author: " Stargazer " )

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this

>weekend to deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium

>chill " , and it was taught to me by a friend whose mother

>suffers from BPD.

>

>Medium chill:

>When they lash out - show no anger

>When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

>Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't

>manipulate your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

>Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous

>pleasantries. Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal,

>so they can't accuse you of giving them the cold shoulder. You

>are there, you're just not present to them.

>

>Medium chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in

>their ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control.

>It takes a bit of practice, as you have to learn to disconnect

>from them emotionally. But I've had some great success using

>this.

>When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and

>Limited Contact. Â They all made sense, and I felt as if I had

>been doing them already for a very long time. Â The same friend

>who introduced me to these boards also introduced me to the

>concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a little

>while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is

>something more that taps into the psyche and become the Medium

>Chill Zen Master. Â Â It's a bit late here and I'm more than

>a touch tired, so I might not be particularly eloquent as I

>type this tonight....

>

>It's about more than just boundaries.

>To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific

>attitude:

>

>(1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

>(2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

>(attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing

>anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not

>too much attention-- while NEVER violating items one or two

>Remember, a person can only use information they know about you

>to find your hot buttons and use it against you if they're

>highly manipulative (like so many BPDs are). Â So don't let

>them know your hot buttons.

>

>Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with

>him/her? Â Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and

>move on to someone they have a greater effect upon. Â I swear,

>it really does work.

>

>Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what

>you're sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later

>on to make YOU upset when THEY are upset but can't deal with

>those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?

>

>Are you offering advice or help with only the best of

>intentions? Â Well, if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame

>themselves as part of BPD, who do you think they're going to

>blame? Â Are you just putting yourself in the line of eventual

>fire without realizing it?

>

>If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can

>successfully transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto

>you (projection).

>

>If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their

>inner turmoil by getting YOU upset. Â So don't ever show

>yourself getting upset. Â If they're upset and they can make

>you upset too, their goal has been achieved. Â I swear, as it

>worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD

>mother rather quickly would see who was the most active

>listener and turn her energies there. Â I was no longer a means

>to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

>making me feel pain too. Â

>

>Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a

>one-on-one meeting with her again in non-public places; this

>played very well into medium chill. Â There's always someone

>more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that they

>target instead. Â It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed

>family member; it might be the waiter. Â But the point is, it

>will NOT BE YOU. Â

>

>Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a

>high. Â If they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who

>do you think they're going to turn to when their rage is

>highest and they need to foist it off onto someone else?

>

>It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD

>dynamic. Â We often talk about boundaries around here, like

>only speaking once a week on the phone, or not staying

>overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical actions

>of restraint...

>

>... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your

>soul. "

>

>~ Stargazer

>

>

>

>

>-Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was

> planning to see us this summer, us including my toddler. Under

> no circumstances will she be left alone with him (witch) but

> of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You gave

> excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her

> acceptable windows of dates (so I could control the length of

> stay) but also a technique called Medium Chill, similar to LC

> but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls only

> on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails,

> eg) but the tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking

> the same tone you would with a business colleague - cordial,

> polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or personal.

> By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I

> think (knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen

> (or she will book her flight without regard for our windows

> and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada. But after your fifth

> day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also gotten

> to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal

> than I ever realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her.

> Convenient, but sad, too. Anyway, thought I'd give a report -

> Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

>WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

>and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

>Groups Links

>

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

,

I don't think it seems pointless although I can understand why

it would be pointless for you personally. Not everybody is able

to go NC for various reasons. For those of us who can't

reasonably go NC, medium chill is a workable way to deal with

things. (I never thought to call it that, but it fits with what

I've been doing for years.) If I could successfully hide from my

nada, I'd prefer NC, but when she lives six blocks away and I

regularly advertise my phone number as part of being

self-employed, there's no hiding. I'm not about to give up a

successful business that supports me just to run away from nada.

(The idea is tempting, but I like having a roof over my head and

food to eat.) Having contact with her keeps her from doing nasty

things and causing constant disruption and trouble in my life.

At 04:35 PM 03/09/2011 afldancer wrote:

>Sorry, this is a rant. Let me preclude this by saying I am very

>glad that you have found a method that allows you to have safe

>interaction with your nada.

>

>Does Medium Chill seem pointless to anyone else? I mean, WAIT,

>don't get mad that I said that, but I just don't see the point

>of having a relationship with someone where it's not a

>relationship, it's just me interacting with nada and trying not

>to let her get to me...all the time. Why should I even bother?

>I would rather just go NC.

>

>The idea of medium chill just makes me angry! It's funny

>because my T is trying to get me to acknowledge a similar

>technique of being able to interact with her but not react to

>her manipulation, and frankly I don't want to. I see no point.

>If she sends me email, I just want to delete it. If she tries

>to call, I want to ignore her or delete the voicemail. If she

>sends mail, I want to throw it away. I want no interaction with

>her even on medium chill. I do not see why I should have to

>treat an adult like a 2 year old child. I feel like medium

>chill would just be another way of enabling her to continue to

>be a 2 year old child.

>

>I'm not knocking that medium chill works for you. I am GLAD it

>works for you. I guess it just confuses me because I desire no

>contact with my nada. I went to visit her at Christmas, before

>I knew about BPD, and tried a medium chill of my own.

>Basically, it was me eating all my own responses and emotions

>so that she wouldn't be getting to me and so " we " (actually

>just her) could have a good visit. It ended with her violently

>raging and basically holding me hostage with the threat of

>volatile explosions and fear she would try to hurt herself or

>myself for two days after the raging started. And that was ON

>medium chill. Hah!

>

>I guess it's just amazing that BPD responses can be so

>wide-ranging. I can see why it's considered uncurable. If my

>nada chose to seek treatment, then I could stomach doing medium

>chill so I could help her with her journey through therapy. So

>I could be there for her. But until then, I'm not on medium

>chill, I'm on below freaking zero freezing. NO CONTACT.

>

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Yes, I totally understand that NC isn't an option for everyone. I guess I'm just

glad I live 3000 miles away from nada. I couldn't stand living 6 blocks away

from her. I can't imagine her just showing up on my doorstep. I would seriously

call the cops. I get chills just thinking about it.

> >Sorry, this is a rant. Let me preclude this by saying I am very

> >glad that you have found a method that allows you to have safe

> >interaction with your nada.

> >

> >Does Medium Chill seem pointless to anyone else? I mean, WAIT,

> >don't get mad that I said that, but I just don't see the point

> >of having a relationship with someone where it's not a

> >relationship, it's just me interacting with nada and trying not

> >to let her get to me...all the time. Why should I even bother?

> >I would rather just go NC.

> >

> >The idea of medium chill just makes me angry! It's funny

> >because my T is trying to get me to acknowledge a similar

> >technique of being able to interact with her but not react to

> >her manipulation, and frankly I don't want to. I see no point.

> >If she sends me email, I just want to delete it. If she tries

> >to call, I want to ignore her or delete the voicemail. If she

> >sends mail, I want to throw it away. I want no interaction with

> >her even on medium chill. I do not see why I should have to

> >treat an adult like a 2 year old child. I feel like medium

> >chill would just be another way of enabling her to continue to

> >be a 2 year old child.

> >

> >I'm not knocking that medium chill works for you. I am GLAD it

> >works for you. I guess it just confuses me because I desire no

> >contact with my nada. I went to visit her at Christmas, before

> >I knew about BPD, and tried a medium chill of my own.

> >Basically, it was me eating all my own responses and emotions

> >so that she wouldn't be getting to me and so " we " (actually

> >just her) could have a good visit. It ended with her violently

> >raging and basically holding me hostage with the threat of

> >volatile explosions and fear she would try to hurt herself or

> >myself for two days after the raging started. And that was ON

> >medium chill. Hah!

> >

> >I guess it's just amazing that BPD responses can be so

> >wide-ranging. I can see why it's considered uncurable. If my

> >nada chose to seek treatment, then I could stomach doing medium

> >chill so I could help her with her journey through therapy. So

> >I could be there for her. But until then, I'm not on medium

> >chill, I'm on below freaking zero freezing. NO CONTACT.

> >

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Being 3000 miles away from nada sounds lovely to me. You're

lucky where that's concerned. I don't let my nada past my door

if she shows up. Luckily I usually have a good excuse to meet

her at the street if she needs to pick up something from me or

drop something off. Parking here can be a big problem so I

always tell her I'll wait for her outside in case she has to

double park if I can't figure out how to avoid having her come

over at all. Fortunately she doesn't really try to come inside.

If she did, I'd have to tell her

At 06:30 PM 03/09/2011 afldancer wrote:

>Yes, I totally understand that NC isn't an option for everyone.

>I guess I'm just glad I live 3000 miles away from nada. I

>couldn't stand living 6 blocks away from her. I can't imagine

>her just showing up on my doorstep. I would seriously call the

>cops. I get chills just thinking about it.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

,

in short, hell no, I didn't tell her! Not knowing the specifics of your

situation, I can't comment, but in mine, communicating the " terms " openly is not

my choice. She did actually call and mention the visit last night (of course)

but obfuscating works better with her. You can't reason with someone who is

unreasonable.

> >

> > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Everyone's in their own place and has to find what works for them. If NC works

for you, that's great. It's just a different choice. Best wishes for you.

> > >

> > > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I apologize if I offended. I guess I just WISH medium chill could work for me,

then maybe I could have some kind of relationship with nada and other people in

my family (I'm more wanting to be close to the other people in my family but

with nada the way she is, I can't have them and not her).

Again, as I said, I'm very GLAD you found something that works for you and helps

keep the peace. Part of me hopes that maybe I'm just not far enough along in my

healing for this to work, and maybe in a while it will. Who knows?

Again, apologies if I offended, not my intent at all.

[Guest guest]

I wasn't offended. I have to be around N inlaws a couple times a year and

" medium chill " is the only way to get through it. The whole time NMIL is picking

and picking to get her big ugly reaction. Finally I can't take it I say

something and I regret it for a while. Medium chill is an infernal experience

for me.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Update: my progress with Medium Chill

Hey ,

I apologize if I offended. I guess I just WISH medium chill could work for me,

then maybe I could have some kind of relationship with nada and other people in

my family (I'm more wanting to be close to the other people in my family but

with nada the way she is, I can't have them and not her).

Again, as I said, I'm very GLAD you found something that works for you and helps

keep the peace. Part of me hopes that maybe I'm just not far enough along in my

healing for this to work, and maybe in a while it will. Who knows?

Again, apologies if I offended, not my intent at all.

[Guest guest]

Forgive me for saying this: but being a KO just sucks.

>

> I wasn't offended. I have to be around N inlaws a couple times a year and

" medium chill " is the only way to get through it. The whole time NMIL is picking

and picking to get her big ugly reaction. Finally I can't take it I say

something and I regret it for a while. Medium chill is an infernal experience

for me.

>

> ----------

> Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

>

> Re: Update: my progress with Medium Chill

>

> Hey ,

>

> I apologize if I offended. I guess I just WISH medium chill could work for me,

then maybe I could have some kind of relationship with nada and other people in

my family (I'm more wanting to be close to the other people in my family but

with nada the way she is, I can't have them and not her).

>

> Again, as I said, I'm very GLAD you found something that works for you and

helps keep the peace. Part of me hopes that maybe I'm just not far enough along

in my healing for this to work, and maybe in a while it will. Who knows?

>

> Again, apologies if I offended, not my intent at all.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Pretty much unfortunately

>

>

> Forgive me for saying this: but being a KO just sucks.

>

>

> >

> > I wasn't offended. I have to be around N inlaws a couple times a year and

> " medium chill " is the only way to get through it. The whole time NMIL is

> picking and picking to get her big ugly reaction. Finally I can't take it I

> say something and I regret it for a while. Medium chill is an infernal

> experience for me.

> >

> > ----------

>

[Guest guest]

, I agree. My nada is the same way. NC works for some--and is the ONLY way

to go. For others, LC works. It varies. My sister is LC with our nada and I'm

NC.

> > >

> > > A few months ago I posted about a visit my mother was planning to see us

this summer, us including my toddler. Under no circumstances will she be left

alone with him (witch) but of course, this is her chief expectation (queen). You

gave excellent advice, the most helpful being telling her acceptable windows of

dates (so I could control the length of stay) but also a technique called Medium

Chill, similar to LC but focusing not just on the logistics of contact (calls

only on Tuesday, birthday and major holiday cards only, no emails, eg) but the

tone. For new followers, Medium Chill is taking the same tone you would with a

business colleague - cordial, polite, but not too chummy and not too familiar or

personal. By changing the amount of contact AND the tone of contact, I think

(knock on wood) that the visit may not actually happen (or she will book her

flight without regard for our windows and I will get to say, " Gee sorry nada.

But after your fifth day here, well be out of town. Bummer. " >) I've also

gotten to discover that our relationship is a lot less reciprocal than I ever

realized - if I don't call, I don't hear from her. Convenient, but sad, too.

Anyway, thought I'd give a report - Medium Chill does work, at least for me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>