How to do the right thing when everything seems so wrong.

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is some

very basic info about me.

-->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in May.

-->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't live

together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle, which is

why I chose that as my user name.

-->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school, and we

both come from crazy.

-->My dad has bpd.

The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a horror-story. I am

hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me, is going to have some

people who will be just the right amount of shocked when I explain my story,

detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been homeless in a blizzard in Salt

Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania, overdosed on hand sanitizer (drank to

a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 " constant doctor supervision in a detox program

ran by the VA, been kicked out of three homeless shelters, and signed himself

out of two rehab programs, and, as I hope you can understand, broken my heart

about one hundred thousand times.

I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had everyone who

loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and not that everyone

but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point that they truly just

couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused about how to act. I just

want to do the right thing and be a good person, but everything that I could

possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to him? Well, he calls me at

terrible times over and over so that I have to leave my classes to answer (he's

recently slowed down a but), but now I am like, way behind in school, and I need

to graduate. Or, should I just ignore him? Ignoring him won't soothe my

distress, and quite honestly, considering that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill

themselves, I don't know if I could live with myself.

I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's going

to die.

Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with upwards of

$800 in tax return money.

He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

believe he's been drinking.

Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely make

myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I worked

so hard to get through school....

pax,

Noodle.

[Guest guest]

Hi K.Noodle, welcome to the Group. Although most of us here have a bpd mom,

there are some here like yourself whose dad is the one with personality

disorder.

Your dad sounds very low-functioning, and that is indeed very sad. It also

sounds like he has severe substance-abuse problems as well as personality

disorder. From what I've read, those do tend to occur together and that makes

the negative behaviors of each exponentially worse.

This is a difficult concept to get across, but, I'm getting the impression that

you're feeling somehow guilty or responsible for your dad's very

self-destructive and dangerous behaviors. Its hard to realize when you've been

made to feel this way your whole life, but, the guilt/responsibility you're

feeling are both inappropriate and entirely misplaced. You did not cause your

dad to be mentally ill, or an alcoholic or to develop a drug problem, and

neither can you cure him.

If your dad should decide to kill himself or if through self-neglect or

substance abuse he should accidentally die, there is nothing you can do about

it. You can't control another adult human being's actions or decisions. His

self-destructiveness is NOT your fault IN ANY WAY. And if your dad is using

suicide threats to try and manipulate you, then that is very, very wrong of him.

I hope that is not the case, but if so, please understand that too is not your

fault. Caving in to his manipulations will just reinforce his bad behaviors;

you will prove to him that if he threatens to kill himself unless you do xyz,

that hey, it works!

All you can do is call 911 whenever he does threaten suicide. Professionals are

trained and prepared to deal objectively with someone who is suicidal, you are

not.

It is possible to care for your dad and feel pity for him WITHOUT feeling

responsible for him. That's hard to absorb, but its possible. You can feel

compassion for him without feeling the need or obligation to rescue him from

himself. Your dad is the only one who has the power to rescue himself.

You're also not helping your dad in any way by neglecting your studies, and that

isn't helping you, either. How will failing to graduate help either you or your

dad? It won't! I hope you will find the courage to focus on passing the

classes you need to graduate.

My suggestion for you is to read and educate yourself about borderline pd, and

about overcoming co-dependency. Co-dependency is when you believe that you are

responsible for others' well-being (meaning, other adults); its not an

emotionally healthy, mature state to be in. There are AA-type support groups

for the family members of substance abusers; perhaps there is a CODA meetup in

your area, or families-of-military benefits that you can utilize RE counseling

or therapy, or support services available to students at your college RE dealing

with family members who are abusive, mentally ill or drug-addicted, etc.

The books " Surviving a Borderline Parent " will probably be the most relevant to

your situation, and " Stop Walking On Eggshells, " and " Co-Dependent No More. "

Knowledge is power, and empowering!

None of this is easy to absorb or to do, but it does seem to help a bit to know

that others have been through similar situations with their parents and its not

just your own private hell.

-Annie

>

> Hello all,

> I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is some

very basic info about me.

> -->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in May.

> -->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't live

together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle, which is

why I chose that as my user name.

> -->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school, and we

both come from crazy.

> -->My dad has bpd.

>

> The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a horror-story. I

am hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me, is going to have

some people who will be just the right amount of shocked when I explain my

story, detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been homeless in a blizzard

in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania, overdosed on hand sanitizer

(drank to a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 " constant doctor supervision in a

detox program ran by the VA, been kicked out of three homeless shelters, and

signed himself out of two rehab programs, and, as I hope you can understand,

broken my heart about one hundred thousand times.

>

> I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had everyone

who loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and not that

everyone but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point that they truly

just couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused about how to act. I

just want to do the right thing and be a good person, but everything that I

could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to him? Well, he calls me at

terrible times over and over so that I have to leave my classes to answer (he's

recently slowed down a but), but now I am like, way behind in school, and I need

to graduate. Or, should I just ignore him? Ignoring him won't soothe my

distress, and quite honestly, considering that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill

themselves, I don't know if I could live with myself.

>

>

> I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's going

to die.

>

>

> Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with upwards of

$800 in tax return money.

>

> He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

believe he's been drinking.

>

> Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely make

myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I worked

so hard to get through school....

>

> pax,

> Noodle.

>

[Guest guest]

Noodle, first of all welcome. Glad to see you took the time to lay out your

situation with your dad. None of us will be shocked, as you will note our own

bizarre situations in our posts. I am 60 years old, so I will give you my

thinking on your situation.

First of all, your college degree should be the number 1 priority right now.

Does your college have a counseling center you can go to to get some support and

assistance? I think it would be great to work on why you find your dad's

potential suicide so upsetting to you. I am wondering if you have some

unfounded guilt. Note I said unfounded. Your dad made bad choices and it is

not your responsibility to bail him out. You say he has let you down huge

amounts of time. He wasn't there for you. Why do you think you should be there

for him? Do you have some religious beliefs that keep you stuck with this?

Sometimes certain religious beliefs (e.g., suicide is a sin) keep us from seeing

other points of view.

You know, for me, I can't really love someone I don't respect. Maybe you are

different than I. That's ok.

I really do think you can get some relief by reading what others have to say

about your situation. But, please do take care of yourself and nurture

yourself, each and every day. Keep focused on school. May isn't that far away,

and then you can dig into trying to understand/help your day. Until then,

perhaps no contact would be the best.

Anne 2

>

> Hello all,

> I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is some

very basic info about me.

> -->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in May.

> -->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't live

together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle, which is

why I chose that as my user name.

> -->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school, and we

both come from crazy.

> -->My dad has bpd.

>

> The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a horror-story. I

am hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me, is going to have

some people who will be just the right amount of shocked when I explain my

story, detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been homeless in a blizzard

in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania, overdosed on hand sanitizer

(drank to a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 " constant doctor supervision in a

detox program ran by the VA, been kicked out of three homeless shelters, and

signed himself out of two rehab programs, and, as I hope you can understand,

broken my heart about one hundred thousand times.

>

> I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had everyone

who loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and not that

everyone but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point that they truly

just couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused about how to act. I

just want to do the right thing and be a good person, but everything that I

could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to him? Well, he calls me at

terrible times over and over so that I have to leave my classes to answer (he's

recently slowed down a but), but now I am like, way behind in school, and I need

to graduate. Or, should I just ignore him? Ignoring him won't soothe my

distress, and quite honestly, considering that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill

themselves, I don't know if I could live with myself.

>

>

> I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's going

to die.

>

>

> Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with upwards of

$800 in tax return money.

>

> He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

believe he's been drinking.

>

> Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely make

myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I worked

so hard to get through school....

>

> pax,

> Noodle.

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Noodle,

You're not alone in feeling like you're in an impossible

situation. Dealing with BPD tends to put us into no-win

situations. The only way to win when dealing with BPD is often

to refuse to play at all.

I don't have any good answers for you, but I can give you some

things to think about. First, the only person you have control

over is yourself. You can't control how your dad behaves or how

he treats you. What you can control is how you react to what he

does.

Second, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped.

Loving someone isn't always enough to make it possible to help.

People with BPD often don't want to be helped because they

believe it is everyone else who has a problem, not them. They're

just fine in their own minds. If he's an alcoholic you can't

fix that for him. If he wanted to be sober you could point him

in the right direction to get help and offer moral support, but

it sounds like he wants to continue drinking. Even without BPD

there's not much that you can do to force an alcoholic to become

sober. It doesn't sound like he wants help with being homeless

either, or at least he doesn't want to do what it would take to

get help.

Third, you're an adult now and you are entitled to live your own

life and make your own choices. At 21 you don't have to do what

he wants just because he's your father.

Fourth, if someone commits suicide, that's his choice, not your

fault. Worrying that he might kill himself because 10% of

people with BPD do is not conducive to making good choices for

yourself. If he wants to do it, he's going to do it regardless

of what you do. Many of our parents use threats of suicide

and/or fake suicide attempts as a means of trying to control us.

Don't let yourself get sucked into that pattern.

Fifth, boundaries are very helpful in dealing with our parents.

Boundaries are for you, not for them. You decide what you're

willing to put up with and what you aren't. Then you decide what

the consequences will be when he crosses the boundaries you've

chosen. For me, my main boundary is that my nada is not allowed

to be nasty to me or say nasty things to me about people I care

about. When she does, I give her one warning that we're not

going to talk about that and if she doesn't stop I leave or hang

up the phone. After a few years of doing that, she got the idea

that I meant it and mostly stopped saying nasty things to me.

Setting boundaries won't necessarily change your dad's behavior

but if you set them properly you can use them to help you limit

the damage his behavior does to you.

Sixth, there's a difference between doing what our BPD parents

want and doing what is good for them. Giving in to their demands

and/or letting them abuse us is not necessarily good for them

any more than it is good for us. People with BPD resemble

toddlers emotionally. Toddlers throw tantrums when they don't

get what they want. If they learn that throwing tantrums causes

them to get what they want they continue to throw them. If they

learn that people ignore their tantrums and they don't get what

they want, they usually grow out of them. Unfortunately our

parents may not be able to grow out of them but if we don't give

in to their tantrums at least we aren't encouraging them to have

more. When their demands further their own self-destructive

behavior it is even more important not to give in to them.

You mention having to leave class to take his calls. Why do you

feel you have to do that? Can't you just turn your phone off

during class, or set it to not ring and let his calls go to

voice mail? It can be hard to get used to the idea of not having

to jump when our BPD parents say " jump " but there is nothing

that says anyone has to answer all calls. The phone is a tool

that you should control. It shouldn't control you. If you stop

answering his calls when they come at inappropriate times, he

may react badly for a while but in the end you'll probably be

better off. That seems like a good place to start with

constructing boundaries for yourself.

I'd concentrate on yourself for a while. Finishing school and

graduating is important. Once you do that you'll hopefully be in

a better position to try to help your dad, if he wants to be

helped. Good luck with it all.

At 02:23 PM 03/09/2011 K Noodle wrote:

>Hello all,

>I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so

>here is some very basic info about me.

>-->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to

>graduate in May.

>-->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We

>don't live together yet as I am going to finish college first.

>He calls me Noodle, which is why I chose that as my user name.

>-->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high

>school, and we both come from crazy.

>-->My dad has bpd.

>

>The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a

>horror-story. I am hoping that this board, which my aunt

>recommended to me, is going to have some people who will be

>just the right amount of shocked when I explain my story,

>detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been homeless in a

>blizzard in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania,

>overdosed on hand sanitizer (drank to a bal of .69)while under

> " 1-on-1 " constant doctor supervision in a detox program ran by

>the VA, been kicked out of three homeless shelters, and signed

>himself out of two rehab programs, and, as I hope you can

>understand, broken my heart about one hundred thousand times.

>

>I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has

>had everyone who loves him shut him out except my brother, my

>Aunt, and I--and not that everyone but us is evil--he just has

>pushed everyone to a point that they truly just couldn't take

>it anymore. I feel so lost and confused about how to act. I

>just want to do the right thing and be a good person, but

>everything that I could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I

>talk to him? Well, he calls me at terrible times over and over

>so that I have to leave my classes to answer (he's recently

>slowed down a but), but now I am like, way behind in school,

>and I need to graduate. Or, should I just ignore him? Ignoring

>him won't soothe my distress, and quite honestly, considering

>that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill themselves, I don't know if I

>could live with myself.

>

>

>I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified

>that he's going to die.

>

>

>Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know

>with upwards of $800 in tax return money.

>

>He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which

>leads me to believe he's been drinking.

>

>Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know

>you are struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so

>lost. I can barely make myself go to my classes. I might not be

>able to graduate in May...and I worked so hard to get through

>school....

>

>pax,

>Noodle.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi KNoodle, welcome! Looks like you've already got lots of great advice, so

I'll just add that you might also get some good support from going to an ACOA

(adult children of alcoholics) group in your area. Your father's problems

around alcohol and the question of what is your role is his meltdown can really

be addressed there.

Good luck,

>

> Hello all,

> I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is some

very basic info about me.

> -->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in May.

> -->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't live

together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle, which is

why I chose that as my user name.

> -->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school, and we

both come from crazy.

> -->My dad has bpd.

>

> The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a horror-story. I

am hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me, is going to have

some people who will be just the right amount of shocked when I explain my

story, detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been homeless in a blizzard

in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania, overdosed on hand sanitizer

(drank to a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 " constant doctor supervision in a

detox program ran by the VA, been kicked out of three homeless shelters, and

signed himself out of two rehab programs, and, as I hope you can understand,

broken my heart about one hundred thousand times.

>

> I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had everyone

who loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and not that

everyone but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point that they truly

just couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused about how to act. I

just want to do the right thing and be a good person, but everything that I

could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to him? Well, he calls me at

terrible times over and over so that I have to leave my classes to answer (he's

recently slowed down a but), but now I am like, way behind in school, and I need

to graduate. Or, should I just ignore him? Ignoring him won't soothe my

distress, and quite honestly, considering that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill

themselves, I don't know if I could live with myself.

>

>

> I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's going

to die.

>

>

> Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with upwards of

$800 in tax return money.

>

> He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

believe he's been drinking.

>

> Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely make

myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I worked

so hard to get through school....

>

> pax,

> Noodle.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Noodle, cute name. Not much I can add to the excellent info the team has

shared. But I will say - you aren't responsible for your father! And add a

big warm hug and a Welcome!

Hugs, Girlscout

>

>

> Hi KNoodle, welcome! Looks like you've already got lots of great advice, so

> I'll just add that you might also get some good support from going to an

> ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) group in your area. Your father's

> problems around alcohol and the question of what is your role is his

> meltdown can really be addressed there.

>

> Good luck,

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello all,

> > I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is

> some very basic info about me.

> > -->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in

> May.

> > -->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't

> live together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle,

> which is why I chose that as my user name.

> > -->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school,

> and we both come from crazy.

> > -->My dad has bpd.

> >

> > The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a

> horror-story. I am hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me,

> is going to have some people who will be just the right amount of shocked

> when I explain my story, detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been

> homeless in a blizzard in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania,

> overdosed on hand sanitizer (drank to a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 "

> constant doctor supervision in a detox program ran by the VA, been kicked

> out of three homeless shelters, and signed himself out of two rehab

> programs, and, as I hope you can understand, broken my heart about one

> hundred thousand times.

> >

> > I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had

> everyone who loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and

> not that everyone but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point

> that they truly just couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused

> about how to act. I just want to do the right thing and be a good person,

> but everything that I could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to

> him? Well, he calls me at terrible times over and over so that I have to

> leave my classes to answer (he's recently slowed down a but), but now I am

> like, way behind in school, and I need to graduate. Or, should I just ignore

> him? Ignoring him won't soothe my distress, and quite honestly, considering

> that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill themselves, I don't know if I could live

> with myself.

> >

> >

> > I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's

> going to die.

> >

> >

> > Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with

> upwards of $800 in tax return money.

> >

> > He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

> believe he's been drinking.

> >

> > Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

> struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely

> make myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I

> worked so hard to get through school....

> >

> > pax,

> > Noodle.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey everyone,

First, thanks SO much for your help, I really do appreciate it. All of your

advice is very sound. I think that deep down, I already knew that things weren't

my fault, but I just needed to hear it I think. I've been in a sort of fragile

emotional state, independent of my dad even because my beloved uncle passed away

unexpectedly at 42 last month. My uncle was not BPD, but he was a paranoid

schizophrenic and an alcoholic. I think that a lot of my unreasonable desire to

help my dad and to really answer every call etc. is because, in a warped way, it

made me feel like I was doing right by my dead uncle. I think that my dad, who

is just terrible and manipulative sometimes, has picked up on my feelings of

sadness about my uncle (who was his brother in law), and taken advantage of

them. I just feel terrible. I love my dad and I don't want him to feel so alone

as he homelessly wanders around. It breaks my heart, but you are all right. It's

not my fault. And being in a constant state of distress won't help anyone. I

need to learn to make boundaries that are reasonable. His alcoholism, as you all

seem to have picked up on already, really does exacerbate his problems.

Cheers, all, and thanks very much,

Noodle.

> > >

> > > Hello all,

> > > I am K.Noodle, and I am new to this. I'm new to all of this, so here is

> > some very basic info about me.

> > > -->I am a 21 year old girl, and a senior in college due to graduate in

> > May.

> > > -->I'm recently married, and my husband is in the air force. We don't

> > live together yet as I am going to finish college first. He calls me Noodle,

> > which is why I chose that as my user name.

> > > -->My husband and I have known each other since we were in high school,

> > and we both come from crazy.

> > > -->My dad has bpd.

> > >

> > > The situation with my dad is so extreme that it sounds like a

> > horror-story. I am hoping that this board, which my aunt recommended to me,

> > is going to have some people who will be just the right amount of shocked

> > when I explain my story, detailing how since thanksgiving, my dad has been

> > homeless in a blizzard in Salt Lake City, wandered back to Pennsylvania,

> > overdosed on hand sanitizer (drank to a bal of .69)while under " 1-on-1 "

> > constant doctor supervision in a detox program ran by the VA, been kicked

> > out of three homeless shelters, and signed himself out of two rehab

> > programs, and, as I hope you can understand, broken my heart about one

> > hundred thousand times.

> > >

> > > I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My dad really has had

> > everyone who loves him shut him out except my brother, my Aunt, and I--and

> > not that everyone but us is evil--he just has pushed everyone to a point

> > that they truly just couldn't take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused

> > about how to act. I just want to do the right thing and be a good person,

> > but everything that I could possibly do seems like, awful. Should I talk to

> > him? Well, he calls me at terrible times over and over so that I have to

> > leave my classes to answer (he's recently slowed down a but), but now I am

> > like, way behind in school, and I need to graduate. Or, should I just ignore

> > him? Ignoring him won't soothe my distress, and quite honestly, considering

> > that 1 in 10 people with BPD kill themselves, I don't know if I could live

> > with myself.

> > >

> > >

> > > I love my dad very much. And to be quite honest, I'm terrified that he's

> > going to die.

> > >

> > >

> > > Currently he is homeless, wandering around a city I don't know with

> > upwards of $800 in tax return money.

> > >

> > > He hasn't been calling me at all for the last few days, which leads me to

> > believe he's been drinking.

> > >

> > > Please help me, I know you can't solve my problems, and I know you are

> > struggling yourselves, but I really really do feel so lost. I can barely

> > make myself go to my classes. I might not be able to graduate in May...and I

> > worked so hard to get through school....

> > >

> > > pax,

> > > Noodle.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Noodle,

I see other wiser people have already responded but I have a suggestion that

will help with your classes - turn your phone off so you don't know he is

calling. Then back on in between. It would alleviate the stress and distraction.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> First, thanks SO much for your help, I really do appreciate it. All of your

advice is very sound. I think that deep down, I already knew that things weren't

my fault, but I just needed to hear it I think. I've been in a sort of fragile

emotional state, independent of my dad even because my beloved uncle passed away

unexpectedly at 42 last month. My uncle was not BPD, but he was a paranoid

schizophrenic and an alcoholic. I think that a lot of my unreasonable desire to

help my dad and to really answer every call etc. is because, in a warped way, it

made me feel like I was doing right by my dead uncle. I think that my dad, who

is just terrible and manipulative sometimes, has picked up on my feelings of

sadness about my uncle (who was his brother in law), and taken advantage of

them. I just feel terrible. I love my dad and I don't want him to feel so alone

as he homelessly wanders around. It breaks my heart, but you are all right. It's

not my fault. And being in a constant state of distress won't help anyone. I

need to learn to make boundaries that are reasonable. His alcoholism, as you all

seem to have picked up on already, really does exacerbate his problems.