Nada's Latest Phone Call to Me Yesterday Etc.

March 10, 2011

A little background before telling you all about the call. The day before they

released her to go home to die at home, but the supposed nurse's aide I had

gotten her quite innocently as I DID want that to work out for nada, wouldn't

take the job when she got there at 1:45 PM pulling up in her cousin's brand new

BMW I am told by a neighbor friend of nada's to let her in dressed head to toe

in mink and designer accessories. Not exactly dressed to be a nurse's aide,

wouldn't you say? The agency she worked for had assured me that she WAS a

certified home health aide who was from Russia. Nada is EXTREMELY prejudiced so

going with an agency that only hired Polish and Russian aides seemed to be the

right thing to do since all the other agencies in her area could only offer

black live-in's. I wouldn't care personally if the person were GREEN but my

nada is hateful towards all blacks and if placed in a hospital, rehab center or

even this hospice will tell me 'the nigger beat me up and abused me'. So I did

what I thought was the most expedient way of dealing with this situation but was

I ever wrong! The woman took one look at nada's small, modest home and said to

the neighbor blessing herself " Oh My Godda No! I could never live in this!

This not luxury! " I had told the woman on the phone in an interview that the

house was small, old and on a lake which it is, but apparently the woman thought

I was down playing it I suppose. She walked away leaving us with no live-in and

of course hospice wouldn't allow her to come home without one in place so here

we were with nada coming home in 45 minutes and there would be no one there to

take care of her. I was in Maine where I live and nada is in New Jersey so I

couldn't have possibly gotten down there again (I was there all weekend with a

lot of help from neighbor friends of nada's AND my best friend who drove me down

there who took 1/2 a day off work to clean out nada's house for this aide and

nada as well as give nada her 90th birthday party a month early in the hospice

center bringing her two desserts I made here as well as dealing all that week

with 'arrange this - arrange that - no we don't want that now - we want THIS

now' to ready the house for nada and the aide that was not to be. These taking

8 to 12 hours a day for almost two weeks! As well as arranging the neighbors to

all be there for nada's party. Anyway they shipped nada back to the hospice

center immediately of course. I think all of you know where THIS is headed.

Nada called me at 6 AM yesterday morning. I hadn't slept all night as all my

work the afternoon before hadn't gotten me anywhere NEAR finding her another

aide/live-in and I certainly didn't want to give up my life and apartment and go

take care of nada myself. She had demanded in the past that I come down and

take care of her - have my cats put 'down' as she would not have 'them' in 'my'

house; wait on her 24-7 as her 'slave' (and yes she DID use that word) and I

'owed her that' because she had given birth to me. She had also said a few days

before winding up in the hospice care center that I was to 'come down there

immediately - have some doctor rip off my legs and put mine on her'. She had

said once again I owed her that because she gave birth to me and besides,

'you're 60 and you'll only be walking another 3 years and I'm going to live

another two years so you're only sacrificing a year without your legs and then

when they let you out of the hospital you can take care of me'. All of this was

beyond absurd and no doctor would do that to begin with nor of course would I

allow it even if one WOULD but nada's reaction to being back there and not home

was weighing heavily on me to say the least all that night.

Nada was definitely in Witch/Bitch/Queen mode alright saying I 'did and do

nothing for her' and how it was all MY fault that she isn't home and she then

said, " I DEMAND that you find me someone else in an hour and that I am home by 8

AM " . I explained to nada very calmly biting my tongue that I couldn't possibly

do that. The offices weren't open to speak to anyone in any health care agency

until NINE and it would take THEM time to get someone for them so probably not

today but we'd try for tomorrow which is of course today. I had found out

through exploring trying to find her a live-in the first time now that all of

the live-in's at these agencies are black women as white people won't do that

type of work. So I asked nada if she would accept a black live-in aide and she

said yes and then quickly said NO.

The social worker from hospice called me at 8:45 and told me about yet another

agency they use who could possibly help me get nada a live-in immediately. I

called them and the woman interviewed me for 45 minutes about nada's health;

meds; favorite foods; expectations for a live-in etc. I was very honest and

straightforward as always and told her that nada had BPD as well as a bad heart;

high blood pressure; uncontrolled diabetes; internal bleeding; sores on her feet

that were not healing which came out of nowhere and arthritis. That she was

non-ambulatory; wore Depends and I wanted to tell her the only thing that works

on nada now is her mouth, but I kept that one to myself. I also explained to her

that my nada was extremely prejudiced against black people but she also said she

only had black live-in's so I told her that nada had no choice then and to go

for it. Nada wants to die at home and not in a nursing home so I am giving her

her wish.

Within one hour the woman at the agency had a live-in for me named from

Jamaica. She said she had a thick skin and was used to dealing with prejudiced

old people and it didn't bother her. So now nada has a black live-in coming to

live with her and take care of her today. Nada will be home at 11:00 AM.

The neighbors she loves and trusts who have been a God send to us both doing

everything possible so nada can come home to die visited her at the hospice

center last night and called me after to tell me that nada was calm, happy to be

going home and fine with a black living there as they had explained to her that

either she accepts this or she goes to a nursing home. I have major concerns

that once she gets home that will all change and since no agency in her area

have any white live-in's I will either have to give up my life as it is and take

care of nada for what ever time she has left as her 'slave' or lose everything

nada owns which is considerable to a nursing home if she lives long enough which

I do doubt but one never knows, but it isn't just about the $ either. I know I

would feel very guilty if she killed herself at home when the aide was sleeping

with an overdose of her morphine based painkillers because she was going to die

at home regardless.

Then there are all the friends of mine and guy I've been dating who keep saying

to me 'she's still your mother' and 'you owe her taking care of her in her final

days so suck it up' and the 'love your nada for what she is INSIDE which is pure

love for you. You won't have her long so try to fix everything that is wrong

with your relationship NOW'. While these people MEAN well even my minister says

under no circumstances should I take care of nada myself no mater what happens.

Any comments or suggestions about all this and these well meaning friends and

guy I am dating who keeps saying " she's still your Mum " even though I've never

told him the story of nada and I and all the horrors with her growing up as I am

embarrassed to do that.

Sorry this was so long but there was a lot to say as always.

March 10, 2011

Hugs hugs hugs, Libra. If it were me, I " d kick that guy to the curb - he's a

muggle. Sorry if that stings. But anyone who says that hasnt' seen the

sorrows we have seen. Your mother does not love you deep in her heart. . .

she doesn't have the capacity.

XOXOXOXO

>

> A little background before telling you all about the call. The day before

> they released her to go home to die at home, but the supposed nurse's aide I

> had gotten her quite innocently as I DID want that to work out for nada,

> wouldn't take the job when she got there at 1:45 PM pulling up in her

> cousin's brand new BMW I am told by a neighbor friend of nada's to let her

> in dressed head to toe in mink and designer accessories. Not exactly dressed

> to be a nurse's aide, wouldn't you say? The agency she worked for had

> assured me that she WAS a certified home health aide who was from Russia.

> Nada is EXTREMELY prejudiced so going with an agency that only hired Polish

> and Russian aides seemed to be the right thing to do since all the other

> agencies in her area could only offer black live-in's. I wouldn't care

> personally if the person were GREEN but my nada is hateful towards all

> blacks and if placed in a hospital, rehab center or even this hospice will

> tell me 'the nigger beat me up and abused me'. So I did what I thought was

> the most expedient way of dealing with this situation but was I ever wrong!

> The woman took one look at nada's small, modest home and said to the

> neighbor blessing herself " Oh My Godda No! I could never live in this! This

> not luxury! " I had told the woman on the phone in an interview that the

> house was small, old and on a lake which it is, but apparently the woman

> thought I was down playing it I suppose. She walked away leaving us with no

> live-in and of course hospice wouldn't allow her to come home without one in

> place so here we were with nada coming home in 45 minutes and there would be

> no one there to take care of her. I was in Maine where I live and nada is in

> New Jersey so I couldn't have possibly gotten down there again (I was there

> all weekend with a lot of help from neighbor friends of nada's AND my best

> friend who drove me down there who took 1/2 a day off work to clean out

> nada's house for this aide and nada as well as give nada her 90th birthday

> party a month early in the hospice center bringing her two desserts I made

> here as well as dealing all that week with 'arrange this - arrange that - no

> we don't want that now - we want THIS now' to ready the house for nada and

> the aide that was not to be. These taking 8 to 12 hours a day for almost two

> weeks! As well as arranging the neighbors to all be there for nada's party.

> Anyway they shipped nada back to the hospice center immediately of course. I

> think all of you know where THIS is headed.

>

> Nada called me at 6 AM yesterday morning. I hadn't slept all night as all

> my work the afternoon before hadn't gotten me anywhere NEAR finding her

> another aide/live-in and I certainly didn't want to give up my life and

> apartment and go take care of nada myself. She had demanded in the past that

> I come down and take care of her - have my cats put 'down' as she would not

> have 'them' in 'my' house; wait on her 24-7 as her 'slave' (and yes she DID

> use that word) and I 'owed her that' because she had given birth to me. She

> had also said a few days before winding up in the hospice care center that I

> was to 'come down there immediately - have some doctor rip off my legs and

> put mine on her'. She had said once again I owed her that because she gave

> birth to me and besides, 'you're 60 and you'll only be walking another 3

> years and I'm going to live another two years so you're only sacrificing a

> year without your legs and then when they let you out of the hospital you

> can take care of me'. All of this was beyond absurd and no doctor would do

> that to begin with nor of course would I allow it even if one WOULD but

> nada's reaction to being back there and not home was weighing heavily on me

> to say the least all that night.

>

> Nada was definitely in Witch/Bitch/Queen mode alright saying I 'did and do

> nothing for her' and how it was all MY fault that she isn't home and she

> then said, " I DEMAND that you find me someone else in an hour and that I am

> home by 8 AM " . I explained to nada very calmly biting my tongue that I

> couldn't possibly do that. The offices weren't open to speak to anyone in

> any health care agency until NINE and it would take THEM time to get someone

> for them so probably not today but we'd try for tomorrow which is of course

> today. I had found out through exploring trying to find her a live-in the

> first time now that all of the live-in's at these agencies are black women

> as white people won't do that type of work. So I asked nada if she would

> accept a black live-in aide and she said yes and then quickly said NO.

>

> The social worker from hospice called me at 8:45 and told me about yet

> another agency they use who could possibly help me get nada a live-in

> immediately. I called them and the woman interviewed me for 45 minutes about

> nada's health; meds; favorite foods; expectations for a live-in etc. I was

> very honest and straightforward as always and told her that nada had BPD as

> well as a bad heart; high blood pressure; uncontrolled diabetes; internal

> bleeding; sores on her feet that were not healing which came out of nowhere

> and arthritis. That she was non-ambulatory; wore Depends and I wanted to

> tell her the only thing that works on nada now is her mouth, but I kept that

> one to myself. I also explained to her that my nada was extremely prejudiced

> against black people but she also said she only had black live-in's so I

> told her that nada had no choice then and to go for it. Nada wants to die at

> home and not in a nursing home so I am giving her her wish.

>

> Within one hour the woman at the agency had a live-in for me named

> from Jamaica. She said she had a thick skin and was used to dealing with

> prejudiced old people and it didn't bother her. So now nada has a black

> live-in coming to live with her and take care of her today. Nada will be

> home at 11:00 AM.

>

> The neighbors she loves and trusts who have been a God send to us both

> doing everything possible so nada can come home to die visited her at the

> hospice center last night and called me after to tell me that nada was calm,

> happy to be going home and fine with a black living there as they had

> explained to her that either she accepts this or she goes to a nursing home.

> I have major concerns that once she gets home that will all change and since

> no agency in her area have any white live-in's I will either have to give up

> my life as it is and take care of nada for what ever time she has left as

> her 'slave' or lose everything nada owns which is considerable to a nursing

> home if she lives long enough which I do doubt but one never knows, but it

> isn't just about the $ either. I know I would feel very guilty if she killed

> herself at home when the aide was sleeping with an overdose of her morphine

> based painkillers because she was going to die at home regardless.

>

> Then there are all the friends of mine and guy I've been dating who keep

> saying to me 'she's still your mother' and 'you owe her taking care of her

> in her final days so suck it up' and the 'love your nada for what she is

> INSIDE which is pure love for you. You won't have her long so try to fix

> everything that is wrong with your relationship NOW'. While these people

> MEAN well even my minister says under no circumstances should I take care of

> nada myself no mater what happens. Any comments or suggestions about all

> this and these well meaning friends and guy I am dating who keeps saying

> " she's still your Mum " even though I've never told him the story of nada and

> I and all the horrors with her growing up as I am embarrassed to do that.

>

> Sorry this was so long but there was a lot to say as always.

>

March 10, 2011

(((((lin)))))

Wow. I guess its going to be mama-drama time right up to the end, with your

nada. My heart goes out to you.

And I think you are correct: there is no prejudice in the world that matches the

favorable prejudice that mothers automatically receive. Its that marrow-deep

genetic hard-wired bonding instinct over-riding reality; most people truly do

have a blind spot RE motherhood.

Motherhood on some level must register as the equivalent of holy or sacred, the

level of prejudice in favor of mothers is so extreme.

I guess its only the mothers who wind up drowning their own kids or stabbing

them to death who don't get to ride on that free ticket.

Anything less than filicide gets the surviving, devastated, emotionally ravaged

adult child that dreaded admonition " ...but she's your M-O-T-H-e-r-r-r-r! "

Now, if its one's DAD who is the unfit parent, who commits incest against his

own child or abandons his child, then people cut the former child victim some

slack. People get it that you as an adult don't want to have anything to do

with a father who repeatedly raped you or who abandoned you to starve when you

were a minor, dependent child. People don't admonish you by saying, " So, you

have had some problems with your father; so, OK, he repeatedly molested and

raped you from age 3 to 9.....

but he's your F-A-T-H-e-r-r-r! "

People don't say *that*.

And they Do Not Get that severe, chronic emotional and physical abuse by a

mother is just as horribly wrong and can do just as much devastating,

life-altering damage to a child as incest by a father.

People do not get it.

They are blind to it.

Mothers are sacred.

The human psyche is an amazing thing, truly.

-Annie

>

> A little background before telling you all about the call. The day before

they released her to go home to die at home, but the supposed nurse's aide I had