Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Hi Cat! Welcome to the group! I just found out my nada's diagnosis of BPD and also Dependent PD back in November following a suicide attempt. She, of course, is not aware of the diagnosis, as her doctors felt that she is so deep in denial, it would be counterproductive to tell her at this point. Her hospital discharge papers actually say " Major Depression " , which is also an underlying problem, just not the main one. Yes, my nada is a compulsive shopper and hoarder as well. My brother and I and others have attempted to clean up her nasty, cluttered house numerous times, but she always manages to junk it back up again with worthless CRAP that she never uses. There are also unopened QVC and HSN boxes all over. She buys the crap, and then doesn't even bother to take it out of the boxes. I never thought about it being part of her BPD, but after reading several posts similar to yours, I'm now beginning to think there is definately a connection. I'm so glad you found the group too. It has helped me tremendously. You will find much understanding and validation here, as well as valuable info. Keep taking care of yourself! > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Hi and welcome. Yes I've got the hoarder/shopper kind. And there was no substance abuse (unless you count stealing the dog's pills and taking them), because the religion in the area frowned on it. On Thu, Mar 10, 2011 at 6:20 AM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > > Hi Cat! Welcome to the group! I just found out my nada's diagnosis of BPD > and also Dependent PD back in November following a suicide attempt. She, of > course, is not aware of the diagnosis, as her doctors felt that she is so > deep in denial, it would be counterproductive to tell her at this point. Her > hospital discharge papers actually say " Major Depression " , which is also an > underlying problem, just not the main one. > > Yes, my nada is a compulsive shopper and hoarder as well. My brother and I > and others have attempted to clean up her nasty, cluttered house numerous > times, but she always manages to junk it back up again with worthless CRAP > that she never uses. There are also unopened QVC and HSN boxes all over. She > buys the crap, and then doesn't even bother to take it out of the boxes. I > never thought about it being part of her BPD, but after reading several > posts similar to yours, I'm now beginning to think there is definately a > connection. > > I'm so glad you found the group too. It has helped me tremendously. You > will find much understanding and validation here, as well as valuable info. > Keep taking care of yourself! > > > > > > > > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I > went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym > for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance > behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to > cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... > with relief. > > > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out > of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was > diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is > doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated > resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, > slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never > wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very > good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, > I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I > realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite > some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. > NOT MY FAULT. > > > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I > have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a > compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this > is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have > actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, > because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at > the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except > for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops > off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact > A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be > wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really > happy to be here! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Hi girls. Thanks for the great insights. I call the hoarding " comfort clutter. " And there are rages for days when one of us touches her stuff, or Heaven forbid, throws something away. I was having such a hard time this week, because I got my head taken off Monday night for trying to do the dishes. I'm such a logical person, her behavior just completely flabbergasted me. Now, I realize that she was most likely feeling worthless and guilty for not going to work and sleeping all day, and not cleaning up, and just took it out on me. Of course, I yelled right back and then we had a big fight where I actually called her worthless, guilty and defensive. One of my favorite sayings when she starts in is, " Defensive much? " She doesn't like that a whole bunch. However, for the past two days, I have unconsciously been giving her the 'Medium Chill' (helluva technique, BTW). It works great! This morning was like nothing ever happened. She even asked for my input on one of her projects at work. I just can't stop feeling like I've just taken the red pill, like on The Matrix. What a ride. Thanks again everybody. Have a good day! Cat > > > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Welcome to the Group, Cat. Yes, you've found a bunch of other people here who " get it. " I wanted to offer that " obsessive-compulsive personality disorder " (which is not the same thing as " obsessive-compulsive disorder " ) includes *hoarding* as one of its traits and behaviors. Ocpd is about rigidity of thought, and being hyper-controlling. Oddly enough, those with ocpd can go either way RE neatness /cleanliness /order. Some with ocpd are the neat-freak-perfectionists with operating-room sterile homes, who have a melt-down over the slightest sign of mess or disarray (my nada was/is this type) and others with ocpd go to the other extreme end and live in shocking filth and disorder. My nada is a very neat, organized hoarder. All the crap she buys is in clear plastic boxes, neatly stacked and labeled. It is not uncommon for someone to have more than one mental illness going on at the same time. My nada (we have a nickname for bpd moms here: " nada " , for " not a mom " ) has been formally diagnosed with borderline pd (twice!) but I personally believe that she also displays traits of narcissistic pd, a smattering of histrionic and antisocial pd, and some of these obsessive-compulsive pd traits as well. I think gambling addiction and substance abuse/addiction get their very own categories of mental disorder. So its possible for a person to be a kind of walking alphabet soup of various mental disorders (as opposed to it all being part of borderline pd.) -Annie > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Welcome, welcome! I am glad you read " Stop Walking on Eggshells. " I would also recommend " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " The validation is so wonderful and necessary! We all understand the relief that validation can provide. And congrats to your Dad getting well!! BP rarely stands on its own. It's often coupled with several other mental disorders. My nada seemed a weird combination of BP, NPD, alcoholic, and manic depressive. She was not a hoarder, but she did/does by compulsively and she tends to get really freaked out about money. I watch the Hoarding shows too and you can ALWAYS tell when the hoarder is also a BP. (BPs hardly ever know they're a BP, which is the beauty of the disorder and makes it almost impossible to fix.) Compulsive shopping and gambling is very common for BPs so it makes sense that your nada has these problems too. I'd love to try out therapy for myself... but it's so expensive (I agree) so I understand why you've held off for so long. I've heard that bringing one of the books you've read about BP to the psychologist is helpful in starting a dialogue. Sorry, I wish I had more advice about starting therapy--but I've never gone myself. I'm sure it will make a world of a difference if done right. And yes, rejoice that you have learned that your Nada's behavior is not and was NEVER EVER your fault!! - Cvidz > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Hey thanks Annie. There is some histrionic PD involved here too. Every time there is a major event in our family, she is front and center, acting up. My dad and I call it 'The [Her first name] Show.' During my sister's wedding, she was sobbing so loudly that the priest had to pause in the ceremony for a moment while she composed herself. How embarrassing! When MY (my friend, not hers) childhood friend died two weeks ago, she met me at the church and pulls a shop rag out of her pocket during the service and begins blowing her nose thoroughly and loudly. I wanted the floor to open up so I could fall through it. Nice to know what some of the letters are in the alphabet soup, at least. =) Cat > > > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Hi catanddandy, welcome to a group of kindred spirits. it really is such a relief to know you're not nuts, right?? that's how i felt as well, that all the emotions I'd denied all my life, from very young, feeling like my mother resented me, owned me, etc., was just my imagination, but knowing deep down something was telling me it was real. Part of it, I'm sure, is it's just too painful to believe your own mother is something bad and something unloving. I'm glad your dad is doing better. I don't know about the hoarding; there are others here who might be able to help you with that. Fiona > > Wow! I can't believe a place like this actually exists. I am so glad I went and browsed the bookstore for an hour today, after I went to the gym for an hour, after I'd been at work since 7:45 am. Which is avoidance behavior I just realized. I just read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' cover to cover, and I'll probably start it again before I cry myself to sleep ... with relief. > > I moved back in with my parents about 1-1/2 years ago, after living out of the house since I was 18 (I'm 33), when my dad (my non-BP buddy) was diagnosed with Stage 3 prostate cancer. It's been a long road, but he is doing well now and has his last chemo treatment March 15 ... Tuesday! > > When I was younger, I always thought I harbored some sort of deep-seated resentment towards my mother for all the put-downs, insults, fits of rage, slaps and beatings I endured as a child. And that was the reason I never wanted to be around for very long. I've had some therapy, not ever very good, and now that I have a new job with awesome-town healthcare insurance, I think I will actually take advantage of the mental health package. > > For this very reason. After reading the book, and browsing this site, I realize in my heart what I've known in my over-active cerebrum for quite some time ... my mother's behavior is NOT MY FAULT. Wow, I'll say it again. NOT MY FAULT. > > What a relief. Now I just have to learn how to deal with her behavior. I have a question for the forum, Do any of you deal with a BP that is a compulsive gambler and shopper, and also a hoarder? I am assuming all this is tied in together somehow. The book mentions substance abuse, and I have actually said before that I wish she were a drinker or a crack smoker, because I'd know how to deal with that better. I was absolutely amazed at the condition of the house when I came back. Just about every room (except for my room, my Dad's room and the living room) is hoarded. And UPS drops off more HSN and QVC everyday. Is this common? Just wondering. > > It's not like I can do anything about it. I've threatened to contact A & E's Hoarders/Intervention to come to the house, but she says I'd be wasting my time because she's not a hoarder or a compulsive gambler. > > But, I digress. Thanks for letting me join. I am really really really happy to be here! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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