The Very Latest on My Nada

March 11, 2011

The hospice center called me late last night and said they hoped they weren't

waking me up but she wanted me to know that nada is on heavy dosages of morphine

(patch AND under the tongue) and asked me for a copy of her living will which I

have but I don't have a fax machine here and it WAS too late to find a place

open that had fax machines of course so nothing could be done that way. I told

her I had the original which I had found just where nada had told me it would be

several months earlier in one of her complacent moods when I was down there this

past weekend and I took it home. I had a neighbor make a copy of the living

will and put it on her fridge as we thought nada was coming home with a live-in

at that point. So I called the neighbor who has a key to the house and asked

him to please fax it over for me this morning from work and he said he would.

Without her telling me that obviously she was telling me what I already knew -

that nada doesn't have long at all.

I called the Hospice Care Center and the nurse said she was very confused;

needed a blood transfusion again and the gangrene on her foot was 'much worse

now' than it had been only two days earlier when she was last treating nada.

They got the fever down to 103 and this was a 'break through' but she suspected

strongly that nada was in sepsis. Of course that alone will kill you let alone

all her other medical problems, but I won't go into them again here as most of

you who are following my saga with nada know them.

I have mixed feelings as I write. Part of me feels guilty because I didn't put

my foot down on nada's HEAD if I had to and forced her to get the care she

needed when this all started happening a few months ago now but I felt I was as

forceful as I could be with a nada and she was self-destructing and would not

listen to my pleas to 'go to your doctor' or 'call 911'. She had been vomiting

BLOOD off and on for at least three months and kept insisting it was 'the

contaminated fish I ate at Mc's' or something else she ate. I couldn't

get her to listen to reason at all. She insisted if she went to the 'medical

people' they would stick her in a nursing home and she promised my stepfather

she would die at home and she'd never leave there as long as there was breathe

in her body so he could 'find her' when she passed. She was ambulatory at the

time and capable of at least cooking for herself and cleaning herself so I don't

think so but to nada she knew it all so of course nothing could be done short of

finding her mentally incompetent and that was something I wanted to avoid at all

cost.

I also feel sad because I am mourning the mother I will never have.

I am also feeling glad she is going because watching this whole horrible thing

unfold for the last six months has been excruciating for her AND for me. I

would say the last year she has been deteriorating slowly and dying by inches.

Sometimes I thought she was going to go soon and then she'd rally and then she'd

go back down. But now the end is definitely a few days or less than a week

away. No one there is SAYING that but her doctor did tell me that yesterday

(although she is kept 'out of the loop' as she is not affiliated with that

hospice unit) and they won't let her examine her. I trust this doctor

explicitly but she only knows what I tell her and she called a woman named Ellen

at the office for the hospice center who she knows who was going to give her the

latest medically on nada. I haven't heard from her about that yet.

Today in 15 minutes nada will be seen by their 'wound doctor' and then I will

know what HE thinks.

Thank you all who have been lending your support to me through this site.

Marilyn

March 11, 2011

yes it looks very like the end is near.. and go gentle with yourself.. you did

everything you possibly could and Â more.. rest easy on that account.. no one

expects you to have done any different nor could you have, given the way your

nada is, just is the way she is. and that has nothing to do with you as a person

simply because you happen to be her daughter, no matter what anyone might choose

to say or think.. they Â are all entitled to their own opinions of course but we

know in our hearts what is true and there is no need to feel guilty, no need at

all. Â remember your nada has spent a lifetime trying to push your quilt buttons

(never good enuf for her for sure!!) don't let that old tape of nada get inside

you and make you feel guilty now. Â you are a good person and a dutiful daughter

and besides, i know i wished my nada was dead plenty of times, and still suffer

from her hand inside me to this day. Â but life goes on for us and the future

can be

better, remember that!! Â blessings to all, ann

Subject: The Very Latest on My Nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, March 11, 2011, 7:16 AM

Â

The hospice center called me late last night and said they hoped they

weren't waking me up but she wanted me to know that nada is on heavy dosages of

morphine (patch AND under the tongue) and asked me for a copy of her living

will which I have but I don't have a fax machine here and it WAS too late to

find a place open that had fax machines of course so nothing could be done that

way. I told her I had the original which I had found just where nada had told

me it would be several months earlier in one of her complacent moods when I was

down there this past weekend and I took it home. I had a neighbor make a copy

of the living will and put it on her fridge as we thought nada was coming home

with a live-in at that point. So I called the neighbor who has a key to the

house and asked him to please fax it over for me this morning from work and he

said he would. Without her telling me that obviously she was telling me what I

already knew - that nada

doesn't have long at all.