Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you counteract it? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say isolating, what activities do you mean? dw ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM Subject: Isolating I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you counteract it? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I know I have a really hard time trusting people (I think largely because of growing up with a Nada.) I don't get close to people easily- really tend to keep my distance and isolate. I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. I have things that I do to get out - different activities. I'd really like to learn a healthy way to trust people. I'm working on finding a good therapist, also. Have had hit and miss experiences with therapy. Amy > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say isolating, > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > Subject: Isolating > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Hi Amy I have the same tendencies. It comes from a fear of rejection in me. If anyone doesn't behave perfectly the pain in me gets activated. I'm telling myself no one can reject me I can't really know what they're thinking and I'm letting go of the outcome when I reach out. People lie. People are sick but I'm trying to have relationships anyway. Its hard but relationships imperfect though they are give my life flavor. ---------- Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile device. Isolating > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Amy: Me too. My nada would censor my reading by going through all the books in my room and just take them away. My friends were never good enough for her. So it ended up just being about her needs; back rubs for her back pain, and preparing her heating pad, her special food, dust furniture, vacum, all the housework. Talking about it now, I felt like I was in a prison camp. So I hid in my room and started sneaking around (my brother was charged with spying on me) and finally ran away because I couldn't take it any more. I kind of became a loner and I think that trust issue has a lot to do with it. Haven't found a good therapist myself but it seems there are others on the list who have happy marriages and good therapists. I associate relationships with being invisible so I have a hard time with setting boundaries. I just think if I could figure that part out it would be easier. dw ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 10:40:44 AM Subject: Re: Isolating I know I have a really hard time trusting people (I think largely because of growing up with a Nada.) I don't get close to people easily- really tend to keep my distance and isolate. I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. I have things that I do to get out - different activities. I'd really like to learn a healthy way to trust people. I'm working on finding a good therapist, also. Have had hit and miss experiences with therapy. Amy > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say >isolating, > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > Subject: Isolating > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Isolating is a problem for me too, more so in the past than now. I've gradually become more sociable and have developed a circle of friends in my middle-aged years more than I ever had as a young person. Its the Internet that helped me find people who have my same interests and hobbies, so now I have a few different in-person meet-up groups that I belong to. We meet up for dinners, go to events together, throw parties, etc. When you have problems with trust issues, just remember to take it slow with new acquaintances and be friendly but not needy. Get to know people gradually and it will serve you better. You might want to read the book " The Gift Of Fear " which is about learning to trust your instincts again RE being able to sense which people are manipulative users and which are just nice, ordinary folks. -Annie > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you counteract it? Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Thankfully I was able to read growing up. For some reason, my nada did not censor my books at all. To the point of me reading adult level books in grade school. (Sybil in 6th grade, including the graphic parts.) Books helped me to escape, but didn't help me as much with social skills. > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > >isolating, > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 A: I am always working on being better socially. It's hard for me too. Without thinking about it, I am really hyper-critical. That creates distance. Lately I am trying to not to use really hard words, overly descriptive and critical words because I think that pushes people away and I don't want to do that. My parents were always very critical. Those pants make you look fat. You are starting late. Every time my father bit into a piece of fruit, I would anticipate the sour face. Little digs that add up and wear down your self-esteem. ok now I need to be more positive! dw ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 1:32:51 PM Subject: Re: Isolating Thankfully I was able to read growing up. For some reason, my nada did not censor my books at all. To the point of me reading adult level books in grade school. (Sybil in 6th grade, including the graphic parts.) Books helped me to escape, but didn't help me as much with social skills. > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > >isolating, > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I've been noticing that I can be really critical, too. I decided to work on being more gentle with myself and others during lent. I know a lot of this comes from my fada and nada being super critical. Lots to work on. Amy > > > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > > >isolating, > > > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I used to be that way also. I think it came from hearing that constantly from my nada. Nothing was ever just OK or good enough for her. I hated her perfectionism, but, it was my " normal " . Perfectionism is NOT normal. Its horribly irritating to be around. So, I compartmentalize my perfectionism. I am rather perfectionistic about my work, but that's OK because I am self-employed. (I'm not inflicting my perfectionism on co-workers or staff.) I let myself be kind of perfectionistic about my kitchen and bathrooms. They are very clean. I can't stand a dirty kitchen or bathroom. The rest of the house... (cough) is not perfect. Not by a long shot. But yes, I too dislike being around someone who is making a constant running commentary about other people's flaws and imperfections. That's my nada. I actively chose to not be that way around other people; around others I am pretty mellow and easy-going and flexible. If I'm feeling anxious and irritable for some reason, I remove myself from the situation. I don't want to inflict myself on other people when I'm feeling that way. Nada, on the other hand, seemed to feel that other people exist in order to be targets for her use, something for her to dump her irritability on. So, in some ways, nada is a good " negative " example. Whatever it is you don't like about nada-think or nada-behaviors... do the opposite. -Annie > > > > > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > > > >isolating, > > > > > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Try the book Safe People, it helped me IMMENSLY On Fri, Mar 11, 2011 at 5:42 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > I used to be that way also. I think it came from hearing that constantly > from my nada. Nothing was ever just OK or good enough for her. I hated her > perfectionism, but, it was my " normal " . > > Perfectionism is NOT normal. Its horribly irritating to be around. So, I > compartmentalize my perfectionism. I am rather perfectionistic about my > work, but that's OK because I am self-employed. (I'm not inflicting my > perfectionism on co-workers or staff.) I let myself be kind of > perfectionistic about my kitchen and bathrooms. They are very clean. I can't > stand a dirty kitchen or bathroom. The rest of the house... (cough) is not > perfect. > Not by a long shot. > > But yes, I too dislike being around someone who is making a constant > running commentary about other people's flaws and imperfections. That's my > nada. I actively chose to not be that way around other people; around others > I am pretty mellow and easy-going and flexible. > If I'm feeling anxious and irritable for some reason, I remove myself from > the situation. I don't want to inflict myself on other people when I'm > feeling that way. Nada, on the other hand, seemed to feel that other people > exist in order to be targets for her use, something for her to dump her > irritability on. > > So, in some ways, nada is a good " negative " example. Whatever it is you > don't like about nada-think or nada-behaviors... do the opposite. > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > > > > > >isolating, > > > > > > > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > > > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How > to you > > > > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Annie: Cleaning...don't get me started ...my friends say I am a freak. I like that do the opposite suggestion...am totally going to do that from now on. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 4:42:50 PM Subject: Re: Isolating I used to be that way also. I think it came from hearing that constantly from my nada. Nothing was ever just OK or good enough for her. I hated her perfectionism, but, it was my " normal " . Perfectionism is NOT normal. Its horribly irritating to be around. So, I compartmentalize my perfectionism. I am rather perfectionistic about my work, but that's OK because I am self-employed. (I'm not inflicting my perfectionism on co-workers or staff.) I let myself be kind of perfectionistic about my kitchen and bathrooms. They are very clean. I can't stand a dirty kitchen or bathroom. The rest of the house... (cough) is not perfect. Not by a long shot. But yes, I too dislike being around someone who is making a constant running commentary about other people's flaws and imperfections. That's my nada. I actively chose to not be that way around other people; around others I am pretty mellow and easy-going and flexible. If I'm feeling anxious and irritable for some reason, I remove myself from the situation. I don't want to inflict myself on other people when I'm feeling that way. Nada, on the other hand, seemed to feel that other people exist in order to be targets for her use, something for her to dump her irritability on. So, in some ways, nada is a good " negative " example. Whatever it is you don't like about nada-think or nada-behaviors... do the opposite. -Annie > > > > > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > > > >isolating, > > > > > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to >you > > > > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I do this terribly. I will hold myself up in my house and not answer my phone, emails, texts, or anything. It sucks donkey balls because I know it just contributes to my depression and yet I continue to feel more comfortable when I'm isolated. One way I have learned to combat it somewhat is to volunteer at my kids' schools. It helps a lot when I know I have a committment I have to fulfill. Isolating > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 After reading all of your posts, all I can say is, " Wow, I'm not the only one " ! I am NOT good in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. I just feel so uncomfortable around people, even if I know them, but especially if I don't know them. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and I have often been accused of being aloof or even stuck-up at times. Growing up, I was extremely shy and awkward, and that didn't make for an easy time making friends. I was ridculed and teased by the " in-crowd " girls and by middle school, my self-esteem was about zero. Whenever I did make a friend, my nada never approved of them. I first learned the hateful term, " white trash " , from my nada when she used it to describe my best friend in grade school. This was right before she forbid me to see her again. Of course, I cried my eyes out, because she was one of the only friends I had who really accepted me. Her mom was a single mom with two kids, but she was loving and kind and worked hard to give her family what they needed. They lived in the poor section of town, so to nada, I guess that qualified them as " white trash " . Nada wasn't even interested in getting to know them. She had already formed her opinion. I could go on and on with stories like that. My friends were never good enough. They were, " too trashy " , " too slutty " , " wrong religion " , or " not religious enough " , etc., etc. If she couldn't find enough wrong with them, she found something wrong with their family. To this day, I get knots in my stomach every time I have to go to a social gathering. I worry about it for weeks. Many times, I chicken out at the last minute and make up some excuse why I can't go because I just can't face it. Lately, I have really been working on just forcing myself to go, but it doesn't feel natural. I am so self-conscious and never know what to say. But I know that if I want friends, I have to put myself out there. The more I do it, the easier it will get (or so I hope it will). Once I get to know people, I'm usually ok around them and I do get comfortable. It's just the " getting to know " part that is so hard for me. God, I sound like such a NUT CASE! I'm 43 years old. Why is it still so HARD? > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say isolating, > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I've been looking up " avoidant " in google. I think you might find some answers if you give that a try. ---------- Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile device. Isolating > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Nope, you are not the only one like this. I love this group because so much of what I read is what I've experienced. It's nice to have somewhere that people get it. I really am somewhat uncomfortable in social situations, too. I am learning to accept that I am a person who needs some " down " time by myself. If I get that, than I seem to do better when I am around people. That's OK, too. I'm also trying to figure out ways to just meet people. One of my thoughts is to just work on finding things I enjoy doing and get involved. Volunteering somewhere maybe. A craft type thing maybe. I used to love music -still do but have kind of put it away for some reason. The friend thing reminded me of my nada a bit. With my nada- she just kind of took over my friends. Also I never really knew how she was going to act around them. > > After reading all of your posts, all I can say is, " Wow, I'm not the only one " ! I am NOT good in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. I just feel so uncomfortable around people, even if I know them, but especially if I don't know them. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and I have often been accused of being aloof or even stuck-up at times. Growing up, I was extremely shy and awkward, and that didn't make for an easy time making friends. I was ridculed and teased by the " in-crowd " girls and by middle school, my self-esteem was about zero. > > Whenever I did make a friend, my nada never approved of them. I first learned the hateful term, " white trash " , from my nada when she used it to describe my best friend in grade school. This was right before she forbid me to see her again. Of course, I cried my eyes out, because she was one of the only friends I had who really accepted me. Her mom was a single mom with two kids, but she was loving and kind and worked hard to give her family what they needed. They lived in the poor section of town, so to nada, I guess that qualified them as " white trash " . Nada wasn't even interested in getting to know them. She had already formed her opinion. > > I could go on and on with stories like that. My friends were never good enough. They were, " too trashy " , " too slutty " , " wrong religion " , or " not religious enough " , etc., etc. If she couldn't find enough wrong with them, she found something wrong with their family. > > To this day, I get knots in my stomach every time I have to go to a social gathering. I worry about it for weeks. Many times, I chicken out at the last minute and make up some excuse why I can't go because I just can't face it. Lately, I have really been working on just forcing myself to go, but it doesn't feel natural. I am so self-conscious and never know what to say. But I know that if I want friends, I have to put myself out there. The more I do it, the easier it will get (or so I hope it will). Once I get to know people, I'm usually ok around them and I do get comfortable. It's just the " getting to know " part that is so hard for me. > > God, I sound like such a NUT CASE! I'm 43 years old. Why is it still so HARD? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I am so glad im not the only one! I hate social situations and usually avoid them. I just broke up with my boyfriend so now i have to be out there again! Ugh. I too grew up painfully shy iam 47 now and it is still so hard to meet new people! Re: Isolating Nope, you are not the only one like this. I love this group because so much of what I read is what I've experienced. It's nice to have somewhere that people get it. I really am somewhat uncomfortable in social situations, too. I am learning to accept that I am a person who needs some " down " time by myself. If I get that, than I seem to do better when I am around people. That's OK, too. I'm also trying to figure out ways to just meet people. One of my thoughts is to just work on finding things I enjoy doing and get involved. Volunteering somewhere maybe. A craft type thing maybe. I used to love music -still do but have kind of put it away for some reason. The friend thing reminded me of my nada a bit. With my nada- she just kind of took over my friends. Also I never really knew how she was going to act around them. > > After reading all of your posts, all I can say is, " Wow, I'm not the only one " ! I am NOT good in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. I just feel so uncomfortable around people, even if I know them, but especially if I don't know them. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and I have often been accused of being aloof or even stuck-up at times. Growing up, I was extremely shy and awkward, and that didn't make for an easy time making friends. I was ridculed and teased by the " in-crowd " girls and by middle school, my self-esteem was about zero. > > Whenever I did make a friend, my nada never approved of them. I first learned the hateful term, " white trash " , from my nada when she used it to describe my best friend in grade school. This was right before she forbid me to see her again. Of course, I cried my eyes out, because she was one of the only friends I had who really accepted me. Her mom was a single mom with two kids, but she was loving and kind and worked hard to give her family what they needed. They lived in the poor section of town, so to nada, I guess that qualified them as " white trash " . Nada wasn't even interested in getting to know them. She had already formed her opinion. > > I could go on and on with stories like that. My friends were never good enough. They were, " too trashy " , " too slutty " , " wrong religion " , or " not religious enough " , etc., etc. If she couldn't find enough wrong with them, she found something wrong with their family. > > To this day, I get knots in my stomach every time I have to go to a social gathering. I worry about it for weeks. Many times, I chicken out at the last minute and make up some excuse why I can't go because I just can't face it. Lately, I have really been working on just forcing myself to go, but it doesn't feel natural. I am so self-conscious and never know what to say. But I know that if I want friends, I have to put myself out there. The more I do it, the easier it will get (or so I hope it will). Once I get to know people, I'm usually ok around them and I do get comfortable. It's just the " getting to know " part that is so hard for me. > > God, I sound like such a NUT CASE! I'm 43 years old. Why is it still so HARD? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Annie who is the author of the book you suggested? Thanx julie Re: Isolating Isolating is a problem for me too, more so in the past than now. I've gradually become more sociable and have developed a circle of friends in my middle-aged years more than I ever had as a young person. Its the Internet that helped me find people who have my same interests and hobbies, so now I have a few different in-person meet-up groups that I belong to. We meet up for dinners, go to events together, throw parties, etc. When you have problems with trust issues, just remember to take it slow with new acquaintances and be friendly but not needy. Get to know people gradually and it will serve you better. You might want to read the book " The Gift Of Fear " which is about learning to trust your instincts again RE being able to sense which people are manipulative users and which are just nice, ordinary folks. -Annie > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you counteract it? T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I would like to suggest something for those who feel awkward and insecure in social situations, is to find a beginners' class for adults revolving around something that interests you, and join that. You'll be in a class with other rank beginners and you'll all be adults. I suggest a martial arts class. There are lots of different kinds of martial arts, some like judo do not involve whacking boards with your hands, its about deflecting your opponent and using their weight and using leverage to get them to fall. Its very gentle ( " judo " means " gentle. " ) There is even a very gentle group exercise class that can be done by those who have physical disabilities or are out of shape/overweight. I can't think of the name of this group exercise, but it is very slow and yet dance-like in the grace of the moves. And there is yoga, too. What classes like this do is that it puts you in a room with other people and gets you used to having other people near you. And it requires that you not talk at least some of the time, so you are not feeling pressure to make conversation constantly. You are there to listen and learn, not make conversation. After class and before class, the conversation will begin to flow more naturally as you discuss the exercises, which ones you enjoy or find easy, which ones you are having trouble with, etc. It allows you to feel awkward and unsure in public and to make mistakes in front of other people without dying of embarrassment, because a lot of your fellow class members will be feeling awkward and embarrassed and making mistakes, too. Getting good at something is an automatic confidence-booster. This would work with any activity you have an interest in, really. Take a class in learning to ride a horse, learning photography. Join a hiking group. Ever had a hankering to be a pastry chef? Take a class! I think engaging in activities that focus on learning something new (particularly learning a physical skill) takes the onus off of being in a social situation because the focus is not on socializing: the socializing is a side-benefit. Its something to think about, anyway. Life is too short and precious to go through it afraid of people and lonely, sez I. -Annie > > > > After reading all of your posts, all I can say is, " Wow, I'm not the only one " ! I am NOT good in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. I just feel so uncomfortable around people, even if I know them, but especially if I don't know them. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and I have often been accused of being aloof or even stuck-up at times. Growing up, I was extremely shy and awkward, and that didn't make for an easy time making friends. I was ridculed and teased by the " in-crowd " girls and by middle school, my self-esteem was about zero. > > > > Whenever I did make a friend, my nada never approved of them. I first learned the hateful term, " white trash " , from my nada when she used it to describe my best friend in grade school. This was right before she forbid me to see her again. Of course, I cried my eyes out, because she was one of the only friends I had who really accepted me. Her mom was a single mom with two kids, but she was loving and kind and worked hard to give her family what they needed. They lived in the poor section of town, so to nada, I guess that qualified them as " white trash " . Nada wasn't even interested in getting to know them. She had already formed her opinion. > > > > I could go on and on with stories like that. My friends were never good enough. They were, " too trashy " , " too slutty " , " wrong religion " , or " not religious enough " , etc., etc. If she couldn't find enough wrong with them, she found something wrong with their family. > > > > To this day, I get knots in my stomach every time I have to go to a social gathering. I worry about it for weeks. Many times, I chicken out at the last minute and make up some excuse why I can't go because I just can't face it. Lately, I have really been working on just forcing myself to go, but it doesn't feel natural. I am so self-conscious and never know what to say. But I know that if I want friends, I have to put myself out there. The more I do it, the easier it will get (or so I hope it will). Once I get to know people, I'm usually ok around them and I do get comfortable. It's just the " getting to know " part that is so hard for me. > > > > God, I sound like such a NUT CASE! I'm 43 years old. Why is it still so HARD? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Excellent ideas. Also, going back to school has done wonders for me. It's not overwhelming because I'm doing online school and yet I still get out and volunteer at my kids' schools about twice a week. I like it. I have a work-at-home job typing depositions, so it can get rather lonely. I like to get out with friends at least once a week for lunch. I'll call everybody until I find a lunch buddy! Re: Isolating I would like to suggest something for those who feel awkward and insecure in social situations, is to find a beginners' class for adults revolving around something that interests you, and join that. You'll be in a class with other rank beginners and you'll all be adults. I suggest a martial arts class. There are lots of different kinds of martial arts, some like judo do not involve whacking boards with your hands, its about deflecting your opponent and using their weight and using leverage to get them to fall. Its very gentle ( " judo " means " gentle. " ) There is even a very gentle group exercise class that can be done by those who have physical disabilities or are out of shape/overweight. I can't think of the name of this group exercise, but it is very slow and yet dance-like in the grace of the moves. And there is yoga, too. What classes like this do is that it puts you in a room with other people and gets you used to having other people near you. And it requires that you not talk at least some of the time, so you are not feeling pressure to make conversation constantly. You are there to listen and learn, not make conversation. After class and before class, the conversation will begin to flow more naturally as you discuss the exercises, which ones you enjoy or find easy, which ones you are having trouble with, etc. It allows you to feel awkward and unsure in public and to make mistakes in front of other people without dying of embarrassment, because a lot of your fellow class members will be feeling awkward and embarrassed and making mistakes, too. Getting good at something is an automatic confidence-booster. This would work with any activity you have an interest in, really. Take a class in learning to ride a horse, learning photography. Join a hiking group. Ever had a hankering to be a pastry chef? Take a class! I think engaging in activities that focus on learning something new (particularly learning a physical skill) takes the onus off of being in a social situation because the focus is not on socializing: the socializing is a side-benefit. Its something to think about, anyway. Life is too short and precious to go through it afraid of people and lonely, sez I. -Annie > > > > After reading all of your posts, all I can say is, " Wow, I'm not the only one " ! I am NOT good in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. I just feel so uncomfortable around people, even if I know them, but especially if I don't know them. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and I have often been accused of being aloof or even stuck-up at times. Growing up, I was extremely shy and awkward, and that didn't make for an easy time making friends. I was ridculed and teased by the " in-crowd " girls and by middle school, my self-esteem was about zero. > > > > Whenever I did make a friend, my nada never approved of them. I first learned the hateful term, " white trash " , from my nada when she used it to describe my best friend in grade school. This was right before she forbid me to see her again. Of course, I cried my eyes out, because she was one of the only friends I had who really accepted me. Her mom was a single mom with two kids, but she was loving and kind and worked hard to give her family what they needed. They lived in the poor section of town, so to nada, I guess that qualified them as " white trash " . Nada wasn't even interested in getting to know them. She had already formed her opinion. > > > > I could go on and on with stories like that. My friends were never good enough. They were, " too trashy " , " too slutty " , " wrong religion " , or " not religious enough " , etc., etc. If she couldn't find enough wrong with them, she found something wrong with their family. > > > > To this day, I get knots in my stomach every time I have to go to a social gathering. I worry about it for weeks. Many times, I chicken out at the last minute and make up some excuse why I can't go because I just can't face it. Lately, I have really been working on just forcing myself to go, but it doesn't feel natural. I am so self-conscious and never know what to say. But I know that if I want friends, I have to put myself out there. The more I do it, the easier it will get (or so I hope it will). Once I get to know people, I'm usually ok around them and I do get comfortable. It's just the " getting to know " part that is so hard for me. > > > > God, I sound like such a NUT CASE! I'm 43 years old. Why is it still so HARD? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Hi Amy, yes, I tend to be the same way: * don't trust people easily * when i meet new people, i tend to try to find their defect or if they're very happy/perky, I try to figure out what they're hiding * i have a few good friend that i really trust and like I actually prefer being alone but I do get lonely and I have been challenging myself to meet new people and take them at face value as much as possible. I'm definitely avoidant, so yes, I know what you're talking about. Fiona > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say isolating, > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 DW, wow, me too. my mother was always going through my things. Friendships were frowned upon. No reason to hang out with other people, sleep over, or do stuff socially. I was in a play once and it was the last time. My mother would freak if I came home a few minutes late. I agree with you that it's affected my adult relationships. If I'm getting to know someone and they ask me a lot of questions, I immediately pull back and away. I don't like being asked why I'm doing something?, why do you wear that color all the time, why why why....sheesh. I,too, feel invisible, many times in relationships, esp when I feel like the other person doesn't let me finish a sentence or or seem to be listening. When I got married, I had to look very, very hard for a maid of honor. I feel so jealous of women who have a laundry list of friends in their wedding party. I had a maid of honor and it was someone i hadn't seen for about 5 years. How pathetic is that? And I have female cousins but don't like them and didn't even want to invite them but my mother " made " me. My husband threw me a 40th birthday party a few years back. I didn't want a party, I don't like parties. He loves them. I guess he felt like he would've let me down if he didn't throw me a party. Exactly FOUR of those people were my friends. The balance were his friends. It was funny to me. I took the credit card the following week and got myself what I really wanted (too long to list here!). Sigh. All of that to say that I've accepted that I tend to like being alone and solitary activities but I've also realized I need other people as well. Otherwise, I feel like I dry up. Fiona > > Amy: Me too. My nada would censor my reading by going through all the books in > my room and just take them away. My friends were never good enough for her. So > it ended up just being about her needs; back rubs for her back pain, and > preparing her heating pad, her special food, dust furniture, vacum, all the > housework. Talking about it now, I felt like I was in a prison camp. So I hid > in my room and started sneaking around (my brother was charged with spying on > me) and finally ran away because I couldn't take it any more. I kind of became a > loner and I think that trust issue has a lot to do with it. Haven't found a good > therapist myself but it seems there are others on the list who have happy > marriages and good therapists. I associate relationships with being invisible so > I have a hard time with setting boundaries. I just think if I could figure that > part out it would be easier. dw > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Annie, I'm going to check that book out. I think I remember starting to read it the night before I gave birth a long time ago! I liked it. A lot of commonsense. Another book I like, by the authors of " Boundaries " (Cloud/Townsend) is " Safe People. " It was such a good book to read for a people pleaser like me who tended to trust anyone right away, at their word, because I wanted them to like me. Fiona > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you counteract it? Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 DW, Sigh, yes! You sure we weren't separated at birth?? Same here. I'm very critical and most of my pictures, from youngish on, I have this cynical, " yeah, right " face on....like my parents. I refuse to do it anymore. It's like I'm reinventing myself and trying to be more optimistic about others, and myself. > > > > > > Hi Amy: Can you help me understand how you see things. When you say > > >isolating, > > > > > > what activities do you mean? dw > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > From: Amy <eireannachcailin1@> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 9:57:33 AM > > > Subject: Isolating > > > > > > > > > I know I do this and am wondering - anyone else deal with this? How to you > > > counteract it? Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Thanx Annie julie:) Re: Isolating > > Isolating is a problem for me too, more so in the past than now. I've gradually become more sociable and have developed a circle of friends in my middle-aged years more than I ever had as a young person. > > Its the Internet that helped me find people who have my same interests and hobbies, so now I have a few different in-person meet-up groups that I belong to. We meet up for dinners, go to events together, throw parties, etc. > > When you have problems with trust issues, just remember to take it slow with new acquaintances and be friendly but not needy. Get to know people gradually and it will serve you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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