Stuff thrown away and no privacy

[Guest guest]

Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she was

takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow' money

or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it was

and never do it.

I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

Is this common in BPD?

As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? " " Stop

acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even days. I

was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard to

get past it, but is taking a long time.

[Guest guest]

((((()))))

My nada didn't let me have privacy when I was growing up, either. Even after I

grew up and she'd visit me in my home, she felt she had the right to go through

all my closets and drawers just to satisfy her own curiosity. She has

occasionally taken something of mine without asking. I think that in my nada's

case that has to do with her fuzzy sense of boundaries, she doesn't (or didn't)

know where she left off and I started. Or possibly, its her narcissistic sense

of entitlement to do what she wishes.

Throwing away your personal possessions that had great sentimental value to you

(your prom dress, your grandmother's letters)... that's just shockingly mean and

hateful. Those are revenge or retaliation behaviors. Stealing things from you,

that could be due to jealousy or envy.

My amateur opinion is that your nada is operating at a very, very primitive

emotional level. Its almost like she is 2 years old and viewing you as a rival

younger sibling instead of as her child, and she will take what is yours (the

things she wants) and destroy what is yours (things she doesn't want) out of

jealousy and envy. And she does it and then denies it: that's very

passive-aggressive. She doesn't want to openly antagonize you, apparently.

Possibly your nada resents you, as well; maybe she had mixed feelings about

becoming a mother in the first place? Mine did. I think the resentment leaks

out in various ways, though, as you and I have experienced.

I'm so sorry you had to experience such rejecting, cold, and just downright mean

and hateful behaviors coming from your own mother. No child deserves such

treatment, and a young child who makes her mother a pot-holder is very sweet and

dear.

Any normal, mentally healthy mother would treasure such a gift from the heart.

Oh, and mine would also constantly criticize me and accuse me of saying things I

didn't say, doing things I didn't do, or even thinking things that I wasn't

thinking at all. My nada would interpret a neutral expression on my face, such

as I'd have while reading a book or watching TV, as me being " angry " or

" sullen " .

Living under that kind of constant negativity and criticism, picked at, goaded,

shamed and humiliated, is emotional torture.

At its worse its like we were raised by sadistic prison guards who enjoyed

abusing the power they had over us.

-Annie

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a bitch!

Had you been my daughter I would still have that tucked away with my special

things. I am so sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, I was going through my mother's condo emptying

it because as her POA I sold it and found packed away and unused:

A beautiful velvet pillow covered in silk roses that I made for her bed.

A piece I embroidered and mounted between glass for her wall

A set of hand-painted vases I gave her still in the box unused.

That's all I can recall now - there was more. These were all things that

perfectly suited her frou-frou decor.

Hugs.

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

i think everything you said here is right on target. My mother also accused me

of saying and acting certain ways. I have constantly run into things as a

mother myself that will trigger the way my mother treated me and I have to stop

dead in my tracks and really think about how I need to respond or react to

something. My therapist has taught me a lot too. I think what comes naturally

for normal people with a good childhood, is much more work and effort for me.

Take this scenario:

My husband and I have kinda had rounds over my daughter playing soccer (she's

almost 11) because he pushes her to play and she gives me the indication she

would like to quit after her committment for this year is up. Mostly the eye

rolling about practice and the fact that she stands on the field looking at her

nails and fixing her hair and runs from the ball, but he disagrees with me. And

verbally she says she wants to play.

Anyway, I think she is afraid she'll disappoint her daddy if she says anything

because he plays soccer and in our home, soccer is the best word ever. So the

other day we got a lot of rain and soccer was cancelled. I told Hayley and she

smiled immediately and asked if we could paint her room (we just bought the

paint that day). And I just simply said, " Hayley, would you rather try another

sport or take music or art lessons instead of soccer after it ends in May? "

She immediately backed up and said, " No! I love soccer! " So my husband comes

home and I meet him at the door. My daughter, who will make a very good spy one

day LOL, overheard me telling him that I really think he needs to back off and

let her try other things. Well, you would think the world caved in under her

feet... she runs into the room, hand in front of her face, crying, " no, that's

not what I said! I said love soccer! " ...it was clearly the wrong thing for me to

say and she did indeed say she loved it.

If I had been MY mother, I would have stood there and screamed at her that she

was a liar and that she smiled when I told her it was cancelled and she wasnt

doing anything ever again and immediately yanked her out of soccer and banned

her to her room and taken away everything she ever loved.

Yeah, my mother's advice wouldn't fly so good, would it?

Can I be honest with you all?

My very first reaction was to say, " You did smile and it wasnt the first time. "

But I didn't. Once she gathered herself, (she had run down the hall to her room

in a very dramatic display of door slamming) and I waited about 10 minutes to

let her be alone, I went in and talked to her and let her know that if she ever

doesn't want to play, no one will be mad at her and that it's HER CHOICE and I

was just concerned that she thought she'd hurt her dad's feelings, but he

reassured her also that it was up to her. She said " okay " and all was well and

calm again. Until the next crisis that is.

This situation really triggered some bad things in me from my mother. My

mother's response to situations that are common in raising children was very

abrasive, punitive and unjust. I always felt she deep down hated me and like

you said, Annie, was jealous.

Though, the jealousy seemed more directed at my sister than me, my mother was

more controlling over me and than my sister.

It seems so hard to get through these types of things when little normal nuances

trigger me so badly. I feel like I need to vent somewhere to get it all out.

My therapist reassures me that I am doing well, but I feel so frustrated that I

can't get past this stuff more easily.

And I am really sorry you had to experience it too.

Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

((((()))))

My nada didn't let me have privacy when I was growing up, either. Even after I

grew up and she'd visit me in my home, she felt she had the right to go through

all my closets and drawers just to satisfy her own curiosity. She has

occasionally taken something of mine without asking. I think that in my nada's

case that has to do with her fuzzy sense of boundaries, she doesn't (or didn't)

know where she left off and I started. Or possibly, its her narcissistic sense

of entitlement to do what she wishes.

Throwing away your personal possessions that had great sentimental value to you

(your prom dress, your grandmother's letters)... that's just shockingly mean and

hateful. Those are revenge or retaliation behaviors. Stealing things from you,

that could be due to jealousy or envy.

My amateur opinion is that your nada is operating at a very, very primitive

emotional level. Its almost like she is 2 years old and viewing you as a rival

younger sibling instead of as her child, and she will take what is yours (the

things she wants) and destroy what is yours (things she doesn't want) out of

jealousy and envy. And she does it and then denies it: that's very

passive-aggressive. She doesn't want to openly antagonize you, apparently.

Possibly your nada resents you, as well; maybe she had mixed feelings about

becoming a mother in the first place? Mine did. I think the resentment leaks out

in various ways, though, as you and I have experienced.

I'm so sorry you had to experience such rejecting, cold, and just downright mean

and hateful behaviors coming from your own mother. No child deserves such

treatment, and a young child who makes her mother a pot-holder is very sweet and

dear.

Any normal, mentally healthy mother would treasure such a gift from the heart.

Oh, and mine would also constantly criticize me and accuse me of saying things I

didn't say, doing things I didn't do, or even thinking things that I wasn't

thinking at all. My nada would interpret a neutral expression on my face, such

as I'd have while reading a book or watching TV, as me being " angry " or

" sullen " .

Living under that kind of constant negativity and criticism, picked at, goaded,

shamed and humiliated, is emotional torture.

At its worse its like we were raised by sadistic prison guards who enjoyed

abusing the power they had over us.

-Annie

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? " " Stop

acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even days. I

was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't get how people treat their children so horrible. My heart aches for

every story I hear.

I don't tell many people this because I'm afraid I'll come across as weird

(well, I probably do anyway, but whatever lol I did tell my therapist)... My

oldest son was about 18 months old and he was drawing with washable markers and

drew little lines on the carpet next to him on my bedroom floor in orange on my

light beige carpet. Do you know that to this day (he's 12 now), I have never

washed that off. I have left it there and I'm not even sure why. It's not

noticeable to anyone else and my bed is over it now, but he is disabled and in a

wheelchair and in some way in my mind that little mark said, " I love you Mommy! "

:*) ~

Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

What a bitch!

Had you been my daughter I would still have that tucked away with my special

things. I am so sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, I was going through my mother's condo emptying

it because as her POA I sold it and found packed away and unused:

A beautiful velvet pillow covered in silk roses that I made for her bed.

A piece I embroidered and mounted between glass for her wall

A set of hand-painted vases I gave her still in the box unused.

That's all I can recall now - there was more. These were all things that

perfectly suited her frou-frou decor.

Hugs.

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

[Guest guest]

Wow, , I am very impressed at your mothering skills! You are a sensitive

and caring mom! It is clear that you're trying to take your child's feelings

into consideration and protect her, and let her know that her feelings count and

she's not just a " thing. " That is, like, 180 degrees opposite from the way your

nada treated you.

Please don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, its only human to make

mistakes; its where your heart and mind are coming from that makes all the

difference in the world. Your heart and mind are coming from love.

I think its both sad and tragic that our nada's were not emotionally healthy

enough to really feel love for us or understand what love sounds like and looks

like and how love is shown in a meaningful way to a child.

I believe my nada and probably yours too were too emotionally dysregulated

(bpd), had too much cognitive distortion (warped thinking, not able to perceive

reality accurately, interpreting things negatively), possibly antisocial traits

(lack of empathy, lack of guilt or remorse) and too emotionally immature/too

narcissistic (inability to see other people as having feelings that matter, too;

treating people like objects, self-focused) to be raising kids.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Annie:  Wow, that sadistic prison guard description really is accurate. My

nada,

on her last visit (ever) combed through every item of clothing in my closet,

took each item off the hanger and rehung it.  When I got home from work, I

noticed she had meticulously gone through everything I owned. Everything was

perfectly lined up. Creepy. No boundaries.  No empathy. When she started to

rearrange the things on the walls and doors, that was it (supermeltdown)... The

opposite of what a caring, respectful person would do.  dw

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, March 12, 2011 8:43:24 AM

Subject: Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

 

((((()))))

My nada didn't let me have privacy when I was growing up, either. Even after I

grew up and she'd visit me in my home, she felt she had the right to go through

all my closets and drawers just to satisfy her own curiosity. She has

occasionally taken something of mine without asking. I think that in my nada's

case that has to do with her fuzzy sense of boundaries, she doesn't (or didn't)

know where she left off and I started. Or possibly, its her narcissistic sense

of entitlement to do what she wishes.

Throwing away your personal possessions that had great sentimental value to you

(your prom dress, your grandmother's letters)... that's just shockingly mean and

hateful. Those are revenge or retaliation behaviors. Stealing things from you,

that could be due to jealousy or envy.

My amateur opinion is that your nada is operating at a very, very primitive

emotional level. Its almost like she is 2 years old and viewing you as a rival

younger sibling instead of as her child, and she will take what is yours (the

things she wants) and destroy what is yours (things she doesn't want) out of

jealousy and envy. And she does it and then denies it: that's very

passive-aggressive. She doesn't want to openly antagonize you, apparently.

Possibly your nada resents you, as well; maybe she had mixed feelings about

becoming a mother in the first place? Mine did. I think the resentment leaks out

in various ways, though, as you and I have experienced.

I'm so sorry you had to experience such rejecting, cold, and just downright mean

and hateful behaviors coming from your own mother. No child deserves such

treatment, and a young child who makes her mother a pot-holder is very sweet and

dear.

Any normal, mentally healthy mother would treasure such a gift from the heart.

Oh, and mine would also constantly criticize me and accuse me of saying things I

didn't say, doing things I didn't do, or even thinking things that I wasn't

thinking at all. My nada would interpret a neutral expression on my face, such

as I'd have while reading a book or watching TV, as me being " angry " or

" sullen " .

Living under that kind of constant negativity and criticism, picked at, goaded,

shamed and humiliated, is emotional torture.

At its worse its like we were raised by sadistic prison guards who enjoyed

abusing the power they had over us.

-Annie

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

>special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

>and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

>school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

>don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

>holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

>presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

>otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

>noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed

>she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

>didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

>refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

>gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

>she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

>seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was

>takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow' money

>or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it was

>and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

>great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot

and

>told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that

anyone

>sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

>the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

>children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

>completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? " " Stop

>acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even days.

I

>was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

>to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You guys are rad moms! I love that you left the lines on the carpet!

So back to the original question. Yes, my mother would give me gifts and

then reclaim them for herself and say " I'll enjoy this more than you. " She

also at one point stole money from my brother's savings account - while we

were in elementary school. She would also take my things and give them to

other people. She also took my dad's glasses off the dresser and send them

to the children in Ethopia - Umm duh he can't see without those!

She was never once held accountable. I don't get it. She's a teacher of

special needs kids and I can only imagine what the kids go through. I know

she killed/allowed the killing of about 6 hamsters in her classroom. No

wonder I have PTSD!!!

>

>

> Annie: Wow, that sadistic prison guard description really is accurate. My

> nada,

> on her last visit (ever) combed through every item of clothing in my

> closet,

> took each item off the hanger and rehung it. When I got home from work, I

> noticed she had meticulously gone through everything I owned. Everything

> was

> perfectly lined up. Creepy. No boundaries. No empathy. When she started to

>

> rearrange the things on the walls and doors, that was it

> (supermeltdown)... The

> opposite of what a caring, respectful person would do. dw

>

> ________________________________

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sat, March 12, 2011 8:43:24 AM

>

> Subject: Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

>

>

> ((((()))))

>

> My nada didn't let me have privacy when I was growing up, either. Even

> after I

> grew up and she'd visit me in my home, she felt she had the right to go

> through

> all my closets and drawers just to satisfy her own curiosity. She has

> occasionally taken something of mine without asking. I think that in my

> nada's

> case that has to do with her fuzzy sense of boundaries, she doesn't (or

> didn't)

> know where she left off and I started. Or possibly, its her narcissistic

> sense

> of entitlement to do what she wishes.

>

> Throwing away your personal possessions that had great sentimental value to

> you

> (your prom dress, your grandmother's letters)... that's just shockingly

> mean and

> hateful. Those are revenge or retaliation behaviors. Stealing things from

> you,

> that could be due to jealousy or envy.

>

> My amateur opinion is that your nada is operating at a very, very primitive

>

> emotional level. Its almost like she is 2 years old and viewing you as a

> rival

> younger sibling instead of as her child, and she will take what is yours

> (the

> things she wants) and destroy what is yours (things she doesn't want) out

> of

> jealousy and envy. And she does it and then denies it: that's very

> passive-aggressive. She doesn't want to openly antagonize you, apparently.

>

> Possibly your nada resents you, as well; maybe she had mixed feelings about

>

> becoming a mother in the first place? Mine did. I think the resentment

> leaks out

> in various ways, though, as you and I have experienced.

>

> I'm so sorry you had to experience such rejecting, cold, and just downright

> mean

> and hateful behaviors coming from your own mother. No child deserves such

> treatment, and a young child who makes her mother a pot-holder is very

> sweet and

> dear.

>

> Any normal, mentally healthy mother would treasure such a gift from the

> heart.

>

> Oh, and mine would also constantly criticize me and accuse me of saying

> things I

> didn't say, doing things I didn't do, or even thinking things that I wasn't

>

> thinking at all. My nada would interpret a neutral expression on my face,

> such

> as I'd have while reading a book or watching TV, as me being " angry " or

> " sullen " .

>

> Living under that kind of constant negativity and criticism, picked at,

> goaded,

> shamed and humiliated, is emotional torture.

>

> At its worse its like we were raised by sadistic prison guards who enjoyed

> abusing the power they had over us.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

> were

> >special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between

> about 8

> >and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us

> after

> >school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother

> I

> >don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a

> pot

> >holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day

> I

> >presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

> >otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe,

> and I

> >noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

> claimed

> >she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

>

> >didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

> also

> >refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an

> adult and

> >gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

> claimed

> >she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

> haven't

> >seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident

> she was

> >takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

> money

> >or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

> was

> >and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from

> my

> >great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within

> earshot and

> >told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that

> anyone

> >sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

> under

> >the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

>

> >children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must

> have

> >completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

> " Stop

> >acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

> days. I

> >was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

> hard

> >to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

I get it. :-)

In a message dated 3/12/2011 12:57:21 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

Hummingbird1298@... writes:

I don't tell many people this because I'm afraid I'll come across as weird

(well, I probably do anyway, but whatever lol I did tell my therapist)...

My oldest son was about 18 months old and he was drawing with washable

markers and drew little lines on the carpet next to him on my bedroom floor in

orange on my light beige carpet. Do you know that to this day (he's 12

now), I have never washed that off. I have left it there and I'm not even sure

why. It's not noticeable to anyone else and my bed is over it now, but he

is disabled and in a wheelchair and in some way in my mind that little mark

said, " I love you Mommy! " :*) ~

[Guest guest]

Yes. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.

She threw away clothes that I had purchased with my own money that she didn't

approve of, not because they were skimpy/revealing/inappropriate, but because of

the implications she read into them. Such as: a Benneton shirt with multiple

flags on it, because ONE of the flags was from a communist country. To her,

communists don't believe in God, therefore, shirt goes in the trash.

Yeeeeeaaaah.

She also read my diary, gave away/put down two of my pets on two seperate

occasions while I was at school, and fada " accidentally " ruined a cherised

sweater from my first love and then told me it was my fault because I had left

it on my own bedroom floor. I'm sure there's more, it just seemed so

systematised that individual events don't stand out.

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder -- as a fellow sufferer of no privacy -- if you didn't tell your mother

about your crochet lessons because it was something that was yours and yours

alone, and it made you happy to possess it for your own.

I had no privacy, either. If I was journaling, my mother would say, " I'd love

to know what you're writing.' " And she's stand there until I gave her a

satisfactory answer. Even today, if I'm on my computer or doing something on

my own, I hate, hate, hate it when my husband or anyone else asks, " whatcha up

to? " They mean it as an innocent question, but it's so loaded for me, it fills

me up with fury. btw, as well today, I cannot journal and I love to write. I'm

so afraid of someone finding it and using it against me as she did.

That's so sad that your mother threw away things you made. How demeaning. I

can't remember making anything. I know my parents didn't really cherish things

like that. For sure, I don't remember any pictures I drew up on the fridge door.

I wonder as well if it's a BPD thing: that posture of " you don't exist apart

from me and are not allowed to have any separate opinions, feelings,

relationships, or possessions. "

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Me too! My 13 year old is pretty dramatic, too. And I also am constantly

stopping myself and asking, " how would Mom handle this? " Then I do the

opposite!!

You handled that soccer situation perfectly. Good job, girl!

One area I have to wrestle with often is what good friends my husband and

daughter are. I mean, beeeeelieve me, they have their bad times, too, but in my

childhood household, ANYtime my mother saw me talking to my father, she had to

come over and find out who/what/when/etc. Or interrogate me afterwards as to

the nature of our conversation. AND she would say awful things about him as soon

as he left the house and tell me how he liked his friends more than us, etc. It

was ridiculous. And very sad. My father and I, partly b/c of my mother, had no

relationship. So when I see my daughter and husband laughing together, etc.,

yeah sometimes I do interject, but i also don't want to interrupt.

And then I worry that I'm parenting in reaction to my childhood, which though

natural, isn't exactly great, either. My kids aren't me. Their father isn't my

father, etc.

I totally get you, .

And you're a great Mom. Hugs!

Fiona

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

((())) that is so tender and sweet.

And how sensitive of you to see it as his expression of love for you, which it

absolutely was. He's a blessed kid!

>

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sheesh. It's almost like she tried to make you invisible and/or non-existent.

I just get the sense she wanted to obliterate you from her " space. " How awful.

Of course . . . BPD doesn't have any " space " of their own. That would require a

sense of self.

It makes me wonder if she's trying to obliterate herself and is doing it " by

proxy " through you.

Either way, that's horrible behavior. You are right to see this as FAR bigger

than things. Talk about a way to invalidate your kids' existence.

And . . . you know? I can remember a lot of gifts I gave her that she threw

away. Or destroyed " by accident. " It's almost like she needed to destroy any

evidence that . . . well, it felt like she resented me for it. She hated the

gift because it represented something to her that was threatening her

superiority or pride.

Hmmmm. Interesting.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Blessings,

Karla

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Its funny how you say that its hard for someone to be in your business now. I am

the same way. Before my mother died, she wanted to know exactly what I was

telling my therapist and would claim she just 'knew' things about me because she

was THE MOTHER. Right, whatever. Maybe its why my issues developed into an

eating disorder. She couldn't control what I ate.

Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

I wonder -- as a fellow sufferer of no privacy -- if you didn't tell your mother

about your crochet lessons because it was something that was yours and yours

alone, and it made you happy to possess it for your own.

I had no privacy, either. If I was journaling, my mother would say, " I'd love to

know what you're writing.' " And she's stand there until I gave her a

satisfactory answer. Even today, if I'm on my computer or doing something on my

own, I hate, hate, hate it when my husband or anyone else asks, " whatcha up to? "

They mean it as an innocent question, but it's so loaded for me, it fills me up

with fury. btw, as well today, I cannot journal and I love to write. I'm so

afraid of someone finding it and using it against me as she did.

That's so sad that your mother threw away things you made. How demeaning. I

can't remember making anything. I know my parents didn't really cherish things

like that. For sure, I don't remember any pictures I drew up on the fridge door.

I wonder as well if it's a BPD thing: that posture of " you don't exist apart

from me and are not allowed to have any separate opinions, feelings,

relationships, or possessions. "

>

>

> Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that were

special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

>

> A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about 8

and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she claimed

she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

didn't want it junking up her house.

>

> But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

>

> If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and claimed

she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I haven't

seen it! "

>

> I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

>

> I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

>

> She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

>

> She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home under

the guise of 'cleaning it.'

>

> Is this common in BPD?

>

> As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

>

> She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? " " Stop

acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even days. I

was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

>

> I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very hard

to get past it, but is taking a long time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, my nada destroyed things that weren't hers all the time. When my dad

would go out of town (he had kind of a second career as an explorer/guide),

she would do things to the house, rip out carpet, freak out remodeling type

stuff that never worked out and just seemed like a sign of mania.

once I had a home and pets of my own, I never left them in her care because

of her destructive tendencies. In my 20s I went through a terrible time when

I realized I was alone. Other people could count on their families for help

with normal stuff, like babysitting a pet or bringing in the mail. i had

none of that. It was very hard for me. And of course, that was only the

beginning of my journey. Wow.

>

>

>

> Its funny how you say that its hard for someone to be in your business now.

> I am the same way. Before my mother died, she wanted to know exactly what I

> was telling my therapist and would claim she just 'knew' things about me

> because she was THE MOTHER. Right, whatever. Maybe its why my issues

> developed into an eating disorder. She couldn't control what I ate.

>

>

>

>

> Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

>

> I wonder -- as a fellow sufferer of no privacy -- if you didn't tell your

> mother about your crochet lessons because it was something that was yours

> and yours alone, and it made you happy to possess it for your own.

>

> I had no privacy, either. If I was journaling, my mother would say, " I'd

> love to know what you're writing.' " And she's stand there until I gave her a

> satisfactory answer. Even today, if I'm on my computer or doing something on

> my own, I hate, hate, hate it when my husband or anyone else asks, " whatcha

> up to? " They mean it as an innocent question, but it's so loaded for me, it

> fills me up with fury. btw, as well today, I cannot journal and I love to

> write. I'm so afraid of someone finding it and using it against me as she

> did.

>

> That's so sad that your mother threw away things you made. How demeaning. I

> can't remember making anything. I know my parents didn't really cherish

> things like that. For sure, I don't remember any pictures I drew up on the

> fridge door.

>

> I wonder as well if it's a BPD thing: that posture of " you don't exist

> apart from me and are not allowed to have any separate opinions, feelings,

> relationships, or possessions. "

>

>

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

> were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or

> gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between

> about 8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of

> us after school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my

> mother I don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I

> made a pot holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of

> it. The day I presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the

> sitter, but otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a

> week maybe, and I noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother

> about it, she claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw

> it away because she didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

> also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an

> adult and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the

> closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

> claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of,

> " I haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident

> she was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would

> 'borrow' money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one

> of whatever it was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from

> my great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within

> earshot and told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take

> money that anyone sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

> under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

> children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must

> have completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

> " Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes

> even days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

> hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Me personally, I think these particular behaviors are more due to narcissistic

traits than borderline traits.

While borderline pd people lack a sense of self, and tend to not know where they

leave off and their child begins, its different when you start talking about

destroying or throwing out the child's possessions, killing the child's pets,

and stealing from the child as a *pattern* of behaviors (as opposed to a

one-time occurrence.)

There is a narcissistic sense of ownership expressed by these behaviors. Your

room isn't really your room, your possessions aren't really your possessions:

they're nada's. You are nada's possession, in fact.

And there is a sense of not viewing you, her growing child or adult child, as

having equal rights along with her simply as a fellow human being. There is a

core lack of respect displayed in these acts.

I also see a sense of entitlement. You are on nada's territory. If her child,

even though the child is a teen or adult, is living in nada's home, then nada

gets to make all the rules.

And it could be due to narcissistic jealousy and envy. One's child is always

going to be younger and healthier, more vibrant and attractive. Nada can't have

youth anymore, so instead she will take control of yours.

A dash of resentment could be in the mix as well, which would make tossing out

her child's beloved mementos, invading her privacy, killing her pets, stealing

things from her child acts of revenge.

Borderline pd is more about impulsivity, avoiding being abandoned,

black-and-white thinking, seems to me. *Patterns* of behavior aren't random or

impulsive, they take planning.

And if nada has no guilt and feels no remorse and does not ask for forgiveness

or care that she has upset you (or, worse, actually enjoys it that she has upset

you) then, that smacks of an icy coldness of heart = antisocial pd to me.

Such behaviors are not the acts of love. They're not coming from a loving

heart. Someone who loves you doesn't deliberately hurt you like that, over and

over and over.

In my opinion.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult

and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

When my grandma was still alive, she gave me a doll that belonged to her when

she was a girl.  I kept that doll locked in my cedar chest and didn't play

with

it, didn't look at it...didn't do anything to hurt something that meant a lot to

me.  One day, my stepmom came into my room and made me give her that doll. 

She

said I was going to break it.  I don't know how I was going to break it if I

kept it locked up.  After I got married, I asked for that doll back several

times, but she always told me, " it's upstairs and I don't have time to look for

it right now. "   She said that every time, and then wouldn't bother to have it

ready for me the next time I visited, and she wouldn't let me look for it

either.  Now that I am NC, I doubt I will ever see that doll again.  I

realize

it's just a thing, but I loved my grandma, and that doll means a lot to me, as

it is a piece of her.

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, March 13, 2011 9:03:18 AM

Subject: Re: Stuff thrown away and no privacy

 

,

Me too! My 13 year old is pretty dramatic, too. And I also am constantly

stopping myself and asking, " how would Mom handle this? " Then I do the

opposite!!

You handled that soccer situation perfectly. Good job, girl!

One area I have to wrestle with often is what good friends my husband and

daughter are. I mean, beeeeelieve me, they have their bad times, too, but in my

childhood household, ANYtime my mother saw me talking to my father, she had to

come over and find out who/what/when/etc. Or interrogate me afterwards as to the

nature of our conversation. AND she would say awful things about him as soon as

he left the house and tell me how he liked his friends more than us, etc. It was

ridiculous. And very sad. My father and I, partly b/c of my mother, had no

relationship. So when I see my daughter and husband laughing together, etc.,

yeah sometimes I do interject, but i also don't want to interrupt.

And then I worry that I'm parenting in reaction to my childhood, which though

natural, isn't exactly great, either. My kids aren't me. Their father isn't my

father, etc.

I totally get you, .

And you're a great Mom. Hugs!

Fiona

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

>were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8

>and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

>school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

>don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

>holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

>presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

>otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

>noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed

>she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

>didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She also

>refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult and

>gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

>claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

>haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

>was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

>money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever

it

>was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

>great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot

and

>told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that

anyone

>sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

>under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

>children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

>completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

> " Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

>days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard

>to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yet more deliberate cruelty. My guess: the doll was very likely a valuable,

collectible antique and your wicked step-mother sold it and kept the money. Its

long gone.

(I bet you'd find that out if you look up the type of doll your grandmother gave

you, on the Internet.)

It would be worse if the doll was not valuable monetarily, and your step-mother

took it from you out of pure malice only because it had sentimental value to

you. In that case, she either destroyed it long ago, or it is in some box in

her attic and you may recover it someday.

Even though she said she was taking the doll to protect it, my opinion is that

she was lying; she simply wanted the doll. That was not an act of love. If she

loved you, she would have gotten you a pretty display case so you could keep the

doll safe and be able to see it, and it would still be in your possession.

Its so very sad. Children have no rights, in realty children truly are simply

their parent's chattel or possessions. They're helplessly stuck with whoever or

what-ever gave birth to them, they have no say so if their parents decide to

split up and marry creepy, hateful, resentful, mentally ill, exploitative, toxic

spouses. A child has absolutely no say so, no power over his or her own

existence, at all.

Its just pure luck, pure random chance, that a child winds up in the care of

decent, caring, responsible, ethical, relatively mentally healthy " good enough "

parents or if s/he winds up in the " care " of a negligent or actively hostile,

sadistic monster.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

> >were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or

gifts?

> > >

> > > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between

about 8

> >and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

> >school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

> >don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

> >holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

> >presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

> >otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and

I

> >noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed

> >she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because she

> >didn't want it junking up her house.

> > >

> > > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

also

> >refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult

and

> >gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> > >

> > > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

> >claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of,

" I

> >haven't seen it! "

> > >

> > > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident

she

> >was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

> >money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever

it

> >was and never do it.

> > >

> > > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> > >

> > > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from

my

> >great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot

and

> >told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that

anyone

> >sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> > >

> > > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

> >under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> > >

> > > Is this common in BPD?

> > >

> > > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

> >children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must

have

> >completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> > >

> > > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

> > " Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes

even

> >days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> > >

> > > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard

> >to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

*HUGS* to you . No, you're nada's not the only one who did things like

that. I know others have mentioned it before, and my own did similar

things. I have NOTHING from my childhood, where as most of my friends still

have some things, like old toys, pictures they drew, stuffed animals, books,

etc. Nada would just throw them out. My grandfather made a doll house for

me. He also had PARKINSON'S disease, and shook REALLY bad. He built it

with his own two shaking hands and she THREW IT AWAY. I just don't get it,

and I am still really pissed about the doll house!

Yet, my grandnada had (probably still has) box after box of things nada made

when she was a kid.

I do have a couple of things from high school that I managed to get out of

her house before she could pitch them. I have my varsity jacket, prom dress

& year books. I think that's about it.

She also would launch " search & destroy " missions in my room... you know,

searching for whatever and destroying my room in the process. Ugh, the

memories of those incidents really make my blood pressure go up. The whole

invasion of my privacy when I really was a pretty darn good kid... just

makes me feel awful.

Just after I moved out of state, I went up to visit my dad's family. I had

finally told my dad all about nada's " special " form of crazy and he told my

step mom. She said, " I just don't understand why she would do things like

that. I mean, you were like a really good kid, laid back, easy going &

honest. " It was validating. But I still feel stuck up

Sorry, I'm really rambly today in my replies. But yeah hon, you've got

company. I think there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone when it

comes to our scary-crazy parents.

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I too, have no privacy. I've mentioned before that I live with my parents, so

part of me having no privacy is my own creation, however, I never thought it was

possible for my mom to be so 'nosy.'

I was always secretive as a child, and now as an adult am even more so. Words

cannot express the utter horror and violation I feel when I catch my mom reading

things like my bank account statements, my credit card statements, my cell phone

bill, etc. It's not like those things matter, but what really gets under my skin

is when she feels like she has to comment on what she sees. " Oh, you spent $350

at Coach? What did you get? " Really woman, it's none of your business. And why

is she opening MY mail?

She also goes through my room now (I'm 33) on the guise of 'cleaning it.'

However, nothing ever really gets cleaned or gets thrown away because she is a

HOARDER. Yet when my dad and I tried to clean up her desk last summer, she

kicked me out of the house for 3 days (I stayed in a La Quinta with the dog) and

pulverized my dad's new flat-screen TV with a hammer. Nice. I came home to find

the remainder of my clothes, shoes, purses and cosmetics out on the lawn, and it

had rained. She told my dad she would file for divorce if he tried to pick my

stuff up and bring it back in the house.

I too, get comments like " Why the sour-puss? " when I really have no face on at

all, and " Oh, she thinks she's better than me " to my dad and anyone else who

will listen. And the only pictures of me in the house are ones that my dad put

up.

First therapy appt on March 21. Cannot come soon enough. Love you all!

Cat

> >

> >

> > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> >

> > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between about

8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us after

school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my mother I

don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made a pot

holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The day I

presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

> >

> > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult

and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> >

> > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

haven't seen it! "

> >

> > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident she

was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would 'borrow'

money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of whatever it

was and never do it.

> >

> > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> >

> > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from my

great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot and

told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that anyone

sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> >

> > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> >

> > Is this common in BPD?

> >

> > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> >

> > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> >

> > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh wow Cat! What a horrible experience. She has NO RIGHT to open your mail

or look through your things. Some people might say " but it's her house " .

No, no & no! You have a right to privacy too. And, opening your mail is a

federal offense... it's illegal. I think you should try & find a way to let

her know that.

I obviously don't know your situation, but is there any way you could move

out on your own? I'm also 33 and live with my fiance & his dad... It's hard

at times, but right now we just can't move. When I'm done with school &

working, well, that's totally different. So yes, I do understand that there

are situations & reasons for people to be living with family and am

sympathetic. But is there any way you could get out?

I'm so glad you have an appointment with a therapist, good for you!!

Sending some good vibes your way, what you described sounds like my worst

nightmare. *Hugs*

Mia

On Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 3:24 PM, catanddandy3557 wrote:

>

>

>

>

> Hi all,

> I too, have no privacy. I've mentioned before that I live with my parents,

> so part of me having no privacy is my own creation, however, I never thought

> it was possible for my mom to be so 'nosy.'

>

> I was always secretive as a child, and now as an adult am even more so.

> Words cannot express the utter horror and violation I feel when I catch my

> mom reading things like my bank account statements, my credit card

> statements, my cell phone bill, etc. It's not like those things matter, but

> what really gets under my skin is when she feels like she has to comment on

> what she sees. " Oh, you spent $350 at Coach? What did you get? " Really

> woman, it's none of your business. And why is she opening MY mail?

>

> She also goes through my room now (I'm 33) on the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> However, nothing ever really gets cleaned or gets thrown away because she is

> a HOARDER. Yet when my dad and I tried to clean up her desk last summer, she

> kicked me out of the house for 3 days (I stayed in a La Quinta with the dog)

> and pulverized my dad's new flat-screen TV with a hammer. Nice. I came home

> to find the remainder of my clothes, shoes, purses and cosmetics out on the

> lawn, and it had rained. She told my dad she would file for divorce if he

> tried to pick my stuff up and bring it back in the house.

>

> I too, get comments like " Why the sour-puss? " when I really have no face on

> at all, and " Oh, she thinks she's better than me " to my dad and anyone else

> who will listen. And the only pictures of me in the house are ones that my

> dad put up.

>

> First therapy appt on March 21. Cannot come soon enough. Love you all!

>

> Cat

>

[Guest guest]

You can get a safe deposit box at your bank and keep anything that will fit in

there, like your bank book, your diary, etc. You can get a post office box and

have all your mail delivered there instead of to nada's home. If you are living

at nada's and she's not respecting your privacy at all, and if you can't leave

and get your own place, then I think a safe deposit box and a private post

office box are the next best thing.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away that

were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or gifts?

> > >

> > > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between

about 8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of us

after school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my

mother I don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I made

a pot holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of it. The

day I presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the sitter, but

otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a week maybe, and I

noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother about it, she

claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw it away because

she didn't want it junking up her house.

> > >

> > > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage. She

also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was an adult

and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in the closet.

> > >

> > > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it and

claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story of, " I

haven't seen it! "

> > >

> > > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became evident

she was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she would

'borrow' money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another one of

whatever it was and never do it.

> > >

> > > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress awway.

> > >

> > > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters from

my great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within earshot

and told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take money that

anyone sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> > >

> > > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't home

under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> > >

> > > Is this common in BPD?

> > >

> > > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any of my

children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother must have

completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> > >

> > > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at me? "

" Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and sometimes even

days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely shut down.

> > >

> > > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying very

hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Excellent ideas Annie. I second them

Mia

On Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 5:04 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> You can get a safe deposit box at your bank and keep anything that will fit

> in there, like your bank book, your diary, etc. You can get a post office

> box and have all your mail delivered there instead of to nada's home. If you

> are living at nada's and she's not respecting your privacy at all, and if

> you can't leave and get your own place, then I think a safe deposit box and

> a private post office box are the next best thing.

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things away

> that were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money or

> gifts?

> > > >

> > > > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was between

> about 8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two of

> us after school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to my

> mother I don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I

> made a pot holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of

> it. The day I presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of the

> sitter, but otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a

> week maybe, and I noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my mother

> about it, she claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she threw

> it away because she didn't want it junking up her house.

> > > >

> > > > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage.

> She also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I was

> an adult and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box in

> the closet.

> > > >

> > > > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it

> and claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her story

> of, " I haven't seen it! "

> > > >

> > > > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became

> evident she was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she

> would 'borrow' money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me another

> one of whatever it was and never do it.

> > > >

> > > > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress

> awway.

> > > >

> > > > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters

> from my great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone within

> earshot and told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always take

> money that anyone sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> > > >

> > > > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't

> home under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> > > >

> > > > Is this common in BPD?

> > > >

> > > > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any

> of my children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My mother

> must have completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> > > >

> > > > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at

> me? " " Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and

> sometimes even days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just completely

> shut down.

> > > >

> > > > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying

> very hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I third the PO box. That would be a good step toward a better overall

situation. Think of it as a stepping stone to freedom.

> Excellent ideas Annie. I second them

>

> Mia

>

> On Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 5:04 PM, anuria67854 <anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > You can get a safe deposit box at your bank and keep anything that will

> fit

> > in there, like your bank book, your diary, etc. You can get a post office

> > box and have all your mail delivered there instead of to nada's home. If

> you

> > are living at nada's and she's not respecting your privacy at all, and if

> > you can't leave and get your own place, then I think a safe deposit box

> and

> > a private post office box are the next best thing.

> > -Annie

> >

> >

> >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Did you have any of the experience of your nada throwing things

> away

> > that were special to you or taking things that belonged to you like money

> or

> > gifts?

> > > > >

> > > > > A neighbor used to watch me after school sometimes when I was

> between

> > about 8 and 10. She had a daughter my age and she would sit with the two

> of

> > us after school and she taught me to crochet. Why I never mentioned it to

> my

> > mother I don't know. Maybe I wanted what I was making to be a surprise? I

> > made a pot holder. It wasn't that great, of course, but I was so proud of

> > it. The day I presented it to my mother she said " good job " in front of

> the

> > sitter, but otherwise said nothing. I'm not sure how much time passed, a

> > week maybe, and I noticed it was nowhere to be found. When I asked my

> mother

> > about it, she claimed she hadn't seen it. Years later she admitted she

> threw

> > it away because she didn't want it junking up her house.

> > > > >

> > > > > But this was a pattern. ANYTHING I made, she threw in the garbage.

> > She also refused to display pictures of me in the house and even when I

> was

> > an adult and gave her pictures of my kids, she kept them put up in a box

> in

> > the closet.

> > > > >

> > > > > If someone gave me a gift like lotion, perfume, money, she took it

> > and claimed she didn't know what happened to it and would stick to her

> story

> > of, " I haven't seen it! "

> > > > >

> > > > > I would be suspicious, of course, and as I got older, it became

> > evident she was takiing my things so I started hiding them. Sometimes she

> > would 'borrow' money or even take something and tell me she'd buy me

> another

> > one of whatever it was and never do it.

> > > > >

> > > > > I remember throwing a major fit because she threw my prom dress

> > awway.

> > > > >

> > > > > She also threw away things that were sentimental to me like letters

> > from my great grandmother and my diary (after she read it to everyone

> within

> > earshot and told them I was a nut case), but she would always, always

> take

> > money that anyone sent me for birthdays or Christmas.

> > > > >

> > > > > She gave me zero privacy and would go through my room when I wasn't

> > home under the guise of 'cleaning it.'

> > > > >

> > > > > Is this common in BPD?

> > > > >

> > > > > As a mother, I would feel truly heartbroken if this happened to any

> > of my children and I would never dream of doing this to my kids. My

> mother

> > must have completely turned off her emotions toward me.

> > > > >

> > > > > She would also berate me constantly. " Why did you roll your eyes at

> > me? " " Stop acting like an idiot. " Her berating went on for hours and

> > sometimes even days. I was so worn down emotionally that I just

> completely

> > shut down.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know this stuff still affects my relationships today. I am trying

> > very hard to get past it, but is taking a long time.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >