crazy maker

March 13, 2011

Usually the things my mother did were so intertwined that nothing individually

stands out, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity and it was like this flood

of memories and emotions hit me all at once. Because I really didn't spend any

time with my mother as a very little child (outside of her constantly telling me

I hated her), this is all stuff that happened as a teenager.

My mother made me participate in things I hated. For one, band. I was in 7th

grade and I came home from school and she had bought a trumpet. I didnt want to

play a trumpet because I associated it as a boy's instrument. I wanted to play

the violin in the orchestra. She forced me to play that stupid thing because she

'sacrified' and made me do it for five years. The only year I didn't have to do

it was 12th grade and it was because I had been selected to be in a pre-nursing

program our school offered for students who wanted to go into nursing and it was

3 of my daily 7 classes.

College? Well, I had a scholarship to go to the Georgia Baptist School of

Nursing (we lived in Florida). My mother wouldn't let me go. She claimed there

were too many black people in Atlanta-- haha, guess where I live now? Yep

ATLANTA. Maybe I did that subconsciously to spite her. She forced me to get a

paying job instead of going to college - which I did at City Hall and she tried

to get me fired because I had health insurance and was going to a therapist.

My sister and I talked yesterday about how our mother never had a birthday party

for us, never dressed us for Halloween or did any school activities for us. She

signed us up to dance classes and then never took us to practice. She put me in

a recital that I didn't know the routine to and then told me later how people in

the audience were laughing at me (I have a minor physical disability).

She did buy some Christmas stuff, but it was very little and it was confusing

because she would go on and on about how spoiled I was and how much I got and

yet what I saw was much different than that. My therapist said this is

crazy-making behavior.

She berated me for days, sometimes weeks, for things I did wrong.

She out right lied to people about stupid things. When I'd confront her, she'd

claim she was kidding or I didn't understand.

My grandmother gave me a dog once and when I got very attached to it, she gave

it away.

As a teenager, I had no privacy. I was not allowed to shut my door and I once

had a diary I kept because keeping all of the things she did inside was hard.

She found it, read it not only herself, but to my father, my aunt and uncle and

my grandmother. Lord knows who else read it. Then my father laughed at me and

called me weird.

She never let me do normal teenage things. I was never allowed out on the

weekends, I couldn't date. She let me go to the prom, but made me come home by 9

pm.

I'll stop here, but this is part of the crazy in my childhood.

March 13, 2011

Oh man, I'm sorry. But this is a great opportunity for you to recognize the

behavior and hopefully put it to bed, so to speak.

SOO many things that you describe sound like my mother.

I remember ONE birthday party, which consisted of her taking a friend and I to

Mcs. NOT for a party, just for supper.

Halloween, I remember making my own costumes as early as 8. She had no interest

in the whole thing, except for the candy.

She tried her damndest to break up relationships that I had. She even went as

far as contacting their parents and told them stories about me. I was SO

heartbroken when they'd just *stop* calling me or refuse to see me. My husband

went through the same thing with her. She tried talking to his parents, and when

that didn't work, she had her boyfriend try to scare him off. Didn't work,

thankfully.

And Christmas! YES, I had the same experience. I was " spoiled rotten " . But I

never got what I wanted, and when I did get something that I had wanted, it went

missing, or broke.

I could go on, but lets just say that all the sick behaviors are there.

Makes me sad that all the little things, we give our own children, we never had

ourselves.

March 13, 2011

Dang. That's a lot. A flood, if you will.

Crazymaking in it's most toxic form--I'd go so far to call it abuse and neglect.

You're right. She's nuts. And you did nothing to deserve all of that! It's

SOOOOOO not you.

Good for you--it takes a lot of courage to look at this stuff and finally get

mad.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Usually the things my mother did were so intertwined that nothing individually

stands out, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity and it was like this flood

of memories and emotions hit me all at once. Because I really didn't spend any

time with my mother as a very little child (outside of her constantly telling me

I hated her), this is all stuff that happened as a teenager.

>

> My mother made me participate in things I hated. For one, band. I was in 7th

grade and I came home from school and she had bought a trumpet. I didnt want to

play a trumpet because I associated it as a boy's instrument. I wanted to play

the violin in the orchestra. She forced me to play that stupid thing because she

'sacrified' and made me do it for five years. The only year I didn't have to do

it was 12th grade and it was because I had been selected to be in a pre-nursing

program our school offered for students who wanted to go into nursing and it was

3 of my daily 7 classes.

>

> College? Well, I had a scholarship to go to the Georgia Baptist School of

Nursing (we lived in Florida). My mother wouldn't let me go. She claimed there

were too many black people in Atlanta-- haha, guess where I live now? Yep

ATLANTA. Maybe I did that subconsciously to spite her. She forced me to get a

paying job instead of going to college - which I did at City Hall and she tried

to get me fired because I had health insurance and was going to a therapist.

>

> My sister and I talked yesterday about how our mother never had a birthday

party for us, never dressed us for Halloween or did any school activities for

us. She signed us up to dance classes and then never took us to practice. She

put me in a recital that I didn't know the routine to and then told me later how

people in the audience were laughing at me (I have a minor physical disability).

>

> She did buy some Christmas stuff, but it was very little and it was confusing

because she would go on and on about how spoiled I was and how much I got and

yet what I saw was much different than that. My therapist said this is

crazy-making behavior.

>

> She berated me for days, sometimes weeks, for things I did wrong.

>

> She out right lied to people about stupid things. When I'd confront her, she'd

claim she was kidding or I didn't understand.

>

> My grandmother gave me a dog once and when I got very attached to it, she gave

it away.

>

> As a teenager, I had no privacy. I was not allowed to shut my door and I once

had a diary I kept because keeping all of the things she did inside was hard.

She found it, read it not only herself, but to my father, my aunt and uncle and

my grandmother. Lord knows who else read it. Then my father laughed at me and

called me weird.

>

> She never let me do normal teenage things. I was never allowed out on the

weekends, I couldn't date. She let me go to the prom, but made me come home by 9

pm.

>

> I'll stop here, but this is part of the crazy in my childhood.

>

March 13, 2011

I was reading yesterdady that we KOs tend to suppress our memories - or only

remember them sans feelings (me) - until we are safe and have support. Then

it all comes flooding out. So congrats for building your life to the point

you are safe to remember.

And HUUUUUGS

Re halloween - yeah, I don't know why but my nada would always disappear on

Halloween. So my dad took care of everything. I always had a costume, but

usually the hard plastic sweaty kind from Rite Aid or whereever. And then my

dad would make us dinner and take us trick or treating. i have no memory of

my mother even being near by on halloween. She did the same for other

important things like parent/ teacher conference. Birthdays - my dad planned

and organized and then she would swoop in at the last possible second with

lame gifts and try to assume the credit. My dad had a best friend, another

cowboy up the street, and the 2 of them did everything regarding their kids

together - teaching to drive, ride bikes, some cooking, scout-type merit

badges etc. The nada had nothing to do with it, other than to do her best to

destroy everything they built.

I'm almost starting to feel bad for my nada in a way. Can you imagine your

life if you were such a bitch that you couldn't handle for your child to get

all the attention and candy on Halloween (nada's interest in the Halloween

candy sure rings true for me)? What a hollow, meaningless life that must be.

I'm going to go put the real Girlscout in her Jaws halloween costume and

walk her around the neighborhood as a memorium. Thank god I have her, I can

give my inner child what it needs by spoiling her. I don't know why it

worked out that she represents a younger me - but she does. And we're going

to go celebrate halloween today!

hugs Hummingbird!

On Sun, Mar 13, 2011 at 8:25 AM, kyjohnson40days

wrote:

>

> Dang. That's a lot. A flood, if you will.

>

> Crazymaking in it's most toxic form--I'd go so far to call it abuse and

> neglect.

>

> You're right. She's nuts. And you did nothing to deserve all of that! It's

> SOOOOOO not you.

>

> Good for you--it takes a lot of courage to look at this stuff and finally

> get mad.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

> >

> > Usually the things my mother did were so intertwined that nothing

> individually stands out, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity and it was

> like this flood of memories and emotions hit me all at once. Because I

> really didn't spend any time with my mother as a very little child (outside

> of her constantly telling me I hated her), this is all stuff that happened

> as a teenager.

> >

> > My mother made me participate in things I hated. For one, band. I was in

> 7th grade and I came home from school and she had bought a trumpet. I didnt

> want to play a trumpet because I associated it as a boy's instrument. I

> wanted to play the violin in the orchestra. She forced me to play that

> stupid thing because she 'sacrified' and made me do it for five years. The

> only year I didn't have to do it was 12th grade and it was because I had

> been selected to be in a pre-nursing program our school offered for students

> who wanted to go into nursing and it was 3 of my daily 7 classes.

> >

> > College? Well, I had a scholarship to go to the Georgia Baptist School of

> Nursing (we lived in Florida). My mother wouldn't let me go. She claimed

> there were too many black people in Atlanta-- haha, guess where I live now?

> Yep ATLANTA. Maybe I did that subconsciously to spite her. She forced me to

> get a paying job instead of going to college - which I did at City Hall and

> she tried to get me fired because I had health insurance and was going to a

> therapist.

> >

> > My sister and I talked yesterday about how our mother never had a

> birthday party for us, never dressed us for Halloween or did any school

> activities for us. She signed us up to dance classes and then never took us

> to practice. She put me in a recital that I didn't know the routine to and

> then told me later how people in the audience were laughing at me (I have a

> minor physical disability).

> >

> > She did buy some Christmas stuff, but it was very little and it was

> confusing because she would go on and on about how spoiled I was and how

> much I got and yet what I saw was much different than that. My therapist

> said this is crazy-making behavior.

> >

> > She berated me for days, sometimes weeks, for things I did wrong.

> >

> > She out right lied to people about stupid things. When I'd confront her,

> she'd claim she was kidding or I didn't understand.

> >

> > My grandmother gave me a dog once and when I got very attached to it, she

> gave it away.

> >

> > As a teenager, I had no privacy. I was not allowed to shut my door and I

> once had a diary I kept because keeping all of the things she did inside was

> hard. She found it, read it not only herself, but to my father, my aunt and

> uncle and my grandmother. Lord knows who else read it. Then my father

> laughed at me and called me weird.

> >

> > She never let me do normal teenage things. I was never allowed out on the

> weekends, I couldn't date. She let me go to the prom, but made me come home

> by 9 pm.

> >

> > I'll stop here, but this is part of the crazy in my childhood.

> >

March 13, 2011

(((((Hummingbird)))))

Yes, I agree. The way your nada treated you was bizarre and crazy-making. And

cruel.

Deliberately humiliating you in public (re the recital) was cruel. Deliberately

giving a beloved pet away was cruel.

Deliberately reading your diary out loud to other people to shame you was cruel.

No child should have to grow up being subjected to deliberate cruelty like that,

over and over and over.

If someone loves you they're not deliberately cruel to you over and over and

over.

What never ceases to amaze me in your case and in my own case and in the other

member's cases, is that other adults in the family chose to turn a blind eye to

the mistreatment, the emotional abuse and sometimes even the physical abuse and

the sexual abuse.

Other adults, even the father, seem to have a " hands off " policy regarding how a

mother treats her own child.

Maybe *that's* what needs to change. The non-pd adults need to have the courage

to say something and risk the bpd momster's ire.

We need more boat-rockers.

-Annie

>

> Usually the things my mother did were so intertwined that nothing individually

stands out, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity and it was like this flood

of memories and emotions hit me all at once. Because I really didn't spend any

time with my mother as a very little child (outside of her constantly telling me

I hated her), this is all stuff that happened as a teenager.

>

> My mother made me participate in things I hated. For one, band. I was in 7th

grade and I came home from school and she had bought a trumpet. I didnt want to

play a trumpet because I associated it as a boy's instrument. I wanted to play

the violin in the orchestra. She forced me to play that stupid thing because she

'sacrified' and made me do it for five years. The only year I didn't have to do

it was 12th grade and it was because I had been selected to be in a pre-nursing

program our school offered for students who wanted to go into nursing and it was

3 of my daily 7 classes.

>

> College? Well, I had a scholarship to go to the Georgia Baptist School of

Nursing (we lived in Florida). My mother wouldn't let me go. She claimed there

were too many black people in Atlanta-- haha, guess where I live now? Yep

ATLANTA. Maybe I did that subconsciously to spite her. She forced me to get a

paying job instead of going to college - which I did at City Hall and she tried

to get me fired because I had health insurance and was going to a therapist.

>

> My sister and I talked yesterday about how our mother never had a birthday

party for us, never dressed us for Halloween or did any school activities for

us. She signed us up to dance classes and then never took us to practice. She

put me in a recital that I didn't know the routine to and then told me later how

people in the audience were laughing at me (I have a minor physical disability).

>

> She did buy some Christmas stuff, but it was very little and it was confusing

because she would go on and on about how spoiled I was and how much I got and

yet what I saw was much different than that. My therapist said this is

crazy-making behavior.

>

> She berated me for days, sometimes weeks, for things I did wrong.

>

> She out right lied to people about stupid things. When I'd confront her, she'd

claim she was kidding or I didn't understand.

>

> My grandmother gave me a dog once and when I got very attached to it, she gave

it away.

>

> As a teenager, I had no privacy. I was not allowed to shut my door and I once

had a diary I kept because keeping all of the things she did inside was hard.

She found it, read it not only herself, but to my father, my aunt and uncle and

my grandmother. Lord knows who else read it. Then my father laughed at me and

called me weird.

>

> She never let me do normal teenage things. I was never allowed out on the

weekends, I couldn't date. She let me go to the prom, but made me come home by 9

pm.

>

> I'll stop here, but this is part of the crazy in my childhood.

>

March 13, 2011

Hugs hummingbird, your nada sounds a lot like mine in many ways. I was also

in band, but I wanted to do it. When I decided in 8th grade I wanted to

play the flute, she threw a fit and finally said, " Fine, but only if your

father rents ithe flute! " So I asked my dad and he did. It came naturally

to me, and I was 3rd chair in 10th grade and first by senior year. I got a

full scholarship to a state school that has a fantastic music education

program. I wanted to be a music teacher, but she wouldn't let me because I'd

" never find a job " .

I graduated when I was 17 in June. All of my friends were going off to

college that fall. Nada wouldn't let me go at all, making me work and then

refused to let me take out federal student loans. Not only that, but

because I was considered a dependent student when I finally was able to pay

out of pocket for my first semester (I was 19), she refused to fill out her

part of the FASFA, which is illegal. The college's fin aid department had to

get on her, telling her it was illegal and then she finally did it, bitching

& yelling all the time.

This was at a community college, I had no idea what I wanted to study so I

was taking gen ed classes. I loved (and still do) science and applied for

their nursing program and was accepted. She again squished that dream

(temporarily) saying, " YOU? A nurse? I wouldn't let you take care of my dog,

let alone me " (or something along those lines). I was once again stuck.

Wanted to stick with science, took a genetics class and touched on virology

a bit... told her I really liked it and had researched epidemiology (study

of epidemic outbreaks). My instructor had helped & encouraged me and told

me how much education I would need & what schools in the area offered the

program. When I told nada it required a PhD, she said, " A doctor? You're

too stupid to be a doctor " . I also wanted to end up in Atlanta because the

CDC is there and I really wanted to work for them. She also was thinking

medical doctor, not PhD doctor... got them confused. It reminds me of when

I wanted to take astronomy as an elective (Yes, I'm a big science nerd lol),

she said " Why? So you can learn to tell people's fortunes? " OMG. /face-palm

Like your dog, nada knew someone who had kittens and allowed me to pick out

a kitten. I was so excited! I love animals, especially cats. Well, I was

at my dad's one weekend, came home and went to look for my kitty. He was

gone. I stressed for days, thinking he had gotten out, finally nada told me

she gave him away in the garage sale she had that past weekend. She was

selling a sofa and when a woman came inside to see it, the cat was sleeping

on it. She said, " What a cute cat " and nada said if she bought the couch she

could have the cat. I loved that cat so much and it is choking me up now

just typing about it.

I was also not allowed to do normal teenage things. Had a strict curfew of

9pm. She finally moved it back to 9:30pm my senior year (wow, a whole half

hour). For me high school started in 8th grade b/c we had no middle school.

All of my friends were going to homecoming, joining sports, etc. She

refused to let me until freshman year. Then, freshman year rolled around and

she still threw a fit but I called her out & said she had promised me. Nada

hated to look like a liar so she angrily allowed me to. Even after I

graduated and was working full time and over the age of 18, she wouldn't

allow me to go out at night. Some friends had wanted to go cosmic bowling

which started at like 8 or 9 at night. She refused to let me go.

I think it's even normal for teens to do things like sneak out of the house

or do things like that that really are not great! But did I ever do those

things? Oh hell no. I had the fear of nada in me. I wasn't sneaking out,

drinking, experimenting with drugs or sex... I was a home-body, minding my

business & trying to stay out of nada's line of fire.

I also got berated unendingly for things I did " wrong " . I use that word

lightly, because what she construed as wrong wasn't always wrong. More

reason I probably never did those normal teen things that probably are wrong

lol.

But now, I'm 33, NC with nada and in a nursing program, I work my butt off

and enjoy every second of it. And I have a 4.0 GPA which blows my mind

because I'm " too stupid " " too incompetent " etc to care for other people...

according to nada. I guess the old adage " better late than never " really

does apply sometimes.

Sorry this is so long, but I see a lot of similarities in our stories and

just wanted you to know you're not alone. It is still amazing to me how many

of us here have such similar stories. Oh, and it's not too late to go back

to school for whatever you want if you haven't all ready, be it nursing or

something else. You CAN do it! I have faith in you, even if your nada

doesn't. Who needs her approval? I sure don't need my nada's anymore. This

is my life, and I hope all of us here can heal and live our lives as we wish

=)

Mia

March 14, 2011

(((((((((Mia)))))))))))

Thank you for your posting. May we all heal, blessings, Connie

>

> Hugs hummingbird, your nada sounds a lot like mine in many ways. I was also

> in band, but I wanted to do it. When I decided in 8th grade I wanted to

> play the flute, she threw a fit and finally said, " Fine, but only if your

> father rents ithe flute! " So I asked my dad and he did. It came naturally

> to me, and I was 3rd chair in 10th grade and first by senior year. I got a

> full scholarship to a state school that has a fantastic music education

> program. I wanted to be a music teacher, but she wouldn't let me because I'd

> " never find a job " .

>

> I graduated when I was 17 in June. All of my friends were going off to

> college that fall. Nada wouldn't let me go at all, making me work and then

> refused to let me take out federal student loans. Not only that, but

> because I was considered a dependent student when I finally was able to pay

> out of pocket for my first semester (I was 19), she refused to fill out her

> part of the FASFA, which is illegal. The college's fin aid department had to

> get on her, telling her it was illegal and then she finally did it, bitching

> & yelling all the time.

>

> This was at a community college, I had no idea what I wanted to study so I

> was taking gen ed classes. I loved (and still do) science and applied for

> their nursing program and was accepted. She again squished that dream

> (temporarily) saying, " YOU? A nurse? I wouldn't let you take care of my dog,

> let alone me " (or something along those lines). I was once again stuck.

> Wanted to stick with science, took a genetics class and touched on virology

> a bit... told her I really liked it and had researched epidemiology (study

> of epidemic outbreaks). My instructor had helped & encouraged me and told

> me how much education I would need & what schools in the area offered the

> program. When I told nada it required a PhD, she said, " A doctor? You're

> too stupid to be a doctor " . I also wanted to end up in Atlanta because the

> CDC is there and I really wanted to work for them. She also was thinking

> medical doctor, not PhD doctor... got them confused. It reminds me of when

> I wanted to take astronomy as an elective (Yes, I'm a big science nerd lol),

> she said " Why? So you can learn to tell people's fortunes? " OMG. /face-palm

>

> Like your dog, nada knew someone who had kittens and allowed me to pick out

> a kitten. I was so excited! I love animals, especially cats. Well, I was

> at my dad's one weekend, came home and went to look for my kitty. He was

> gone. I stressed for days, thinking he had gotten out, finally nada told me

> she gave him away in the garage sale she had that past weekend. She was

> selling a sofa and when a woman came inside to see it, the cat was sleeping

> on it. She said, " What a cute cat " and nada said if she bought the couch she

> could have the cat. I loved that cat so much and it is choking me up now

> just typing about it.

>

> I was also not allowed to do normal teenage things. Had a strict curfew of

> 9pm. She finally moved it back to 9:30pm my senior year (wow, a whole half

> hour). For me high school started in 8th grade b/c we had no middle school.

> All of my friends were going to homecoming, joining sports, etc. She

> refused to let me until freshman year. Then, freshman year rolled around and

> she still threw a fit but I called her out & said she had promised me. Nada

> hated to look like a liar so she angrily allowed me to. Even after I

> graduated and was working full time and over the age of 18, she wouldn't

> allow me to go out at night. Some friends had wanted to go cosmic bowling

> which started at like 8 or 9 at night. She refused to let me go.

>

> I think it's even normal for teens to do things like sneak out of the house

> or do things like that that really are not great! But did I ever do those

> things? Oh hell no. I had the fear of nada in me. I wasn't sneaking out,

> drinking, experimenting with drugs or sex... I was a home-body, minding my

> business & trying to stay out of nada's line of fire.

>

> I also got berated unendingly for things I did " wrong " . I use that word

> lightly, because what she construed as wrong wasn't always wrong. More

> reason I probably never did those normal teen things that probably are wrong

> lol.

>

> But now, I'm 33, NC with nada and in a nursing program, I work my butt off

> and enjoy every second of it. And I have a 4.0 GPA which blows my mind

> because I'm " too stupid " " too incompetent " etc to care for other people...

> according to nada. I guess the old adage " better late than never " really

> does apply sometimes.

>

> Sorry this is so long, but I see a lot of similarities in our stories and

> just wanted you to know you're not alone. It is still amazing to me how many

> of us here have such similar stories. Oh, and it's not too late to go back

> to school for whatever you want if you haven't all ready, be it nursing or

> something else. You CAN do it! I have faith in you, even if your nada

> doesn't. Who needs her approval? I sure don't need my nada's anymore. This

> is my life, and I hope all of us here can heal and live our lives as we wish

> =)

>

> Mia

>

March 14, 2011

Wow, our mothers are so much alike, mostly the not allowing me to interact with

other people part. Oh yes, and esp the privacy part. None.

If I ever did anything socially, it was after a great, great deal of begging.

My mother wouldn't involve me in anything, though. If other people were

involved, she wasn't. No ballet, no special music classes, nothing. My father

was the one who forced me to go to dance class and it was awful.

When I finally left home, I felt like what an Amish person must feel like mixing

with regular society. It felt weird, scary, unprotected.

Your mother clearly had no respect for you and didn't believe your feelings were

very important, if she thought you had any. I'm so sorry. It sucks remembering

that stuff. But when it comes, it is good to peel it all back if you have the

courage at the time. Sometimes, I just don't.

Fiona

>

> Usually the things my mother did were so intertwined that nothing individually

stands out, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity and it was like this flood

of memories and emotions hit me all at once. Because I really didn't spend any

time with my mother as a very little child (outside of her constantly telling me

I hated her), this is all stuff that happened as a teenager.

>

> My mother made me participate in things I hated. For one, band. I was in 7th

grade and I came home from school and she had bought a trumpet. I didnt want to

play a trumpet because I associated it as a boy's instrument. I wanted to play

the violin in the orchestra. She forced me to play that stupid thing because she

'sacrified' and made me do it for five years. The only year I didn't have to do

it was 12th grade and it was because I had been selected to be in a pre-nursing

program our school offered for students who wanted to go into nursing and it was

3 of my daily 7 classes.

>

> College? Well, I had a scholarship to go to the Georgia Baptist School of

Nursing (we lived in Florida). My mother wouldn't let me go. She claimed there

were too many black people in Atlanta-- haha, guess where I live now? Yep

ATLANTA. Maybe I did that subconsciously to spite her. She forced me to get a

paying job instead of going to college - which I did at City Hall and she tried

to get me fired because I had health insurance and was going to a therapist.

>

> My sister and I talked yesterday about how our mother never had a birthday

party for us, never dressed us for Halloween or did any school activities for

us. She signed us up to dance classes and then never took us to practice. She

put me in a recital that I didn't know the routine to and then told me later how

people in the audience were laughing at me (I have a minor physical disability).

>

> She did buy some Christmas stuff, but it was very little and it was confusing

because she would go on and on about how spoiled I was and how much I got and

yet what I saw was much different than that. My therapist said this is

crazy-making behavior.

>

> She berated me for days, sometimes weeks, for things I did wrong.

>

> She out right lied to people about stupid things. When I'd confront her, she'd

claim she was kidding or I didn't understand.

>

> My grandmother gave me a dog once and when I got very attached to it, she gave

it away.

>

> As a teenager, I had no privacy. I was not allowed to shut my door and I once

had a diary I kept because keeping all of the things she did inside was hard.

She found it, read it not only herself, but to my father, my aunt and uncle and

my grandmother. Lord knows who else read it. Then my father laughed at me and

called me weird.

>

> She never let me do normal teenage things. I was never allowed out on the

weekends, I couldn't date. She let me go to the prom, but made me come home by 9

pm.

>

> I'll stop here, but this is part of the crazy in my childhood.

>

March 14, 2011

what you wrote is like a snapshot of my life too!

Music lessons were a real pressure. She entered us in festival music

competitions...these were a really big deal. I remember being 8 and winning

first prize in the competition. My brother got 2nd prize. On the way home in the

car NADA was so angry at me - she said the judges had made a mistake and they

shouldn't have given me the prize as some other kid was so much better than me

and I didn't deserve the prize so keeping the cup was like a fraud and I should

give it back. She said my brother should have won his section as he was better

than the actual winner. What did those judges know? Obviously not as much as her

(!).

I also don't have any memories of her under the age of 7, and after this age the

memories are all distant at best, or traumatic/unpleasant at worst

SHe also refused to let me accept my treasured art college placement that was a

real accolade and achievement I had worked so hard to get in. Instead I had to

enrol at the local university and pick subjects she approved of (that I was not

interested in). Naturally I flunked out and was even more of a failure.

The lying, the undermining, the berating, yes it's all par for the course for us

KOs

The privacy thing is outrageous I had none either. I kept a diary but one time I

found a few pages of my diary crumpled up on her bedroom floor. When I

challenged her about how they got there she said quite matter of factly that she

didnt like what she read so she tore them out...and it was her house so she had

the right to read what she liked in her house (!) but I replied that the

thoughts inside my head were my business and she should not try and censor

me...but Nada said that she would have the right to censor anything (or

thoughts) she didn't like anytime, anywhere....

She told me as a young teenager that she had a special recording device so that

wherever I was, anytime, she would hear all my conversations and be able to see

and know exactly what I was getting up to. Iwas terrified of her. Even today, I

find myself whispering and looking around if I say something about her to

someone else ---in case she hears me -----(crazy making huh?!)

I had a curfew until I left home around 20. Friends had to bring me home, then

go back out to enjoy the rest of their night. I was not allowed to learn to

drive until I was 21 and paid for the lessons myself (my dad was not allowed to

teach me like he taught my brother for free). I was not allowed to marry my fist

love as he was not approved of. They told me endlessly how useless he was what a

waste of space how we would be miserable, how we would have nothing in common

and end in bitter divorce, financial impoverishment, or insufferable misery blah

blah blah...Years later I realised my parents were very and jealous of my

relationships- I am still in contact with his family who are just wonderful

normal people.

We are not seen as real viable people, autonomous, free, as a gift to our

parents that they are responsible to cherish and treasure, instead we are just

belongings that they clutch, reject or destroy....

So, everyday i tell my son that he is a treasure and a delight to me, that just

by existing he makes us happy. We encourage him to make his own choices where he

can just so he can feel powerful in his own abilities and life.

March 14, 2011

I'm sorry Rgbargy.

When you say that stuff she said about " her house " yes my nada and fada said

stuff like that to me all the time. My hell, human beings need privacy!!!!

Way to treat a person like a possession!

Ugh. Hugs

>

> what you wrote is like a snapshot of my life too!

>

> Music lessons were a real pressure. She entered us in festival music

> competitions...these were a really big deal. I remember being 8 and winning

> first prize in the competition. My brother got 2nd prize. On the way home in

> the car NADA was so angry at me - she said the judges had made a mistake and

> they shouldn't have given me the prize as some other kid was so much better

> than me and I didn't deserve the prize so keeping the cup was like a fraud

> and I should give it back. She said my brother should have won his section

> as he was better than the actual winner. What did those judges know?

> Obviously not as much as her (!).

>

> I also don't have any memories of her under the age of 7, and after this

> age the memories are all distant at best, or traumatic/unpleasant at worst

>

> SHe also refused to let me accept my treasured art college placement that

> was a real accolade and achievement I had worked so hard to get in. Instead

> I had to enrol at the local university and pick subjects she approved of

> (that I was not interested in). Naturally I flunked out and was even more of

> a failure.

>

> The lying, the undermining, the berating, yes it's all par for the course

> for us KOs

>

> The privacy thing is outrageous I had none either. I kept a diary but one

> time I found a few pages of my diary crumpled up on her bedroom floor. When

> I challenged her about how they got there she said quite matter of factly

> that she didnt like what she read so she tore them out...and it was her

> house so she had the right to read what she liked in her house (!) but I

> replied that the thoughts inside my head were my business and she should not

> try and censor me...but Nada said that she would have the right to censor

> anything (or thoughts) she didn't like anytime, anywhere....

> She told me as a young teenager that she had a special recording device so

> that wherever I was, anytime, she would hear all my conversations and be

> able to see and know exactly what I was getting up to. Iwas terrified of

> her. Even today, I find myself whispering and looking around if I say

> something about her to someone else ---in case she hears me -----(crazy

> making huh?!)

>

> I had a curfew until I left home around 20. Friends had to bring me home,

> then go back out to enjoy the rest of their night. I was not allowed to

> learn to drive until I was 21 and paid for the lessons myself (my dad was

> not allowed to teach me like he taught my brother for free). I was not

> allowed to marry my fist love as he was not approved of. They told me

> endlessly how useless he was what a waste of space how we would be

> miserable, how we would have nothing in common and end in bitter divorce,

> financial impoverishment, or insufferable misery blah blah blah...Years

> later I realised my parents were very and jealous of my relationships- I am

> still in contact with his family who are just wonderful normal people.

>

> We are not seen as real viable people, autonomous, free, as a gift to our

> parents that they are responsible to cherish and treasure, instead we are

> just belongings that they clutch, reject or destroy....

>

> So, everyday i tell my son that he is a treasure and a delight to me, that

> just by existing he makes us happy. We encourage him to make his own choices

> where he can just so he can feel powerful in his own abilities and life.

>

March 15, 2011

RG (I love your handle; reminds me of that Squeeze song),

pardon my saying so about your mother, but what a bitch. She effectively didn't

want you to have anything good. What a harrowing childhood for you.

are you and your brother friendly as adults?

Just asking b/c my father had me as The Golden One and my brother was the black

sheep. He would kind of do what your mother did to you. He would tell my brother

why cant you be like your sister, etc. Stuff like that. And minimize any good

things he got.

i still feel guilt about it.