Elderly nada problem

March 14, 2011

I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help with. I

apologize in advance for the length of the post.

I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in the

suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have siblings but

they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40 minutes from where I

live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and if one of my

siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on the phone.

She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in the 6

years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the store and the

park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for driver's license

testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good driver?) and is going over

the top about it.

I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since she

lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store, hairdresser,

pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself more than

capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate driving

her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she would ever

have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it over the last

few years.

She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the Dept. of

Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she believes

that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they were unlikely

to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to dictate to me and wanted

me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry rant culminating with a

suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since I was a young child and I'm

sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call her doctor and ask for help. Man,

was she pissed off! She yelled sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered

me and hung up.

I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go NC now

and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never happened

that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and resumed an

uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly borderline

mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the only family

member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for emergencies and

holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and doesn't call me for months

but I know that if she needs something, I will get a call. I do screen all my

calls and I could just not return the call.

Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older parent.

Jasmine

March 14, 2011

Ahh the duty hoover - I think I might write up a list of types of hoovers

and add some kind of flavor, like they are bottled liquors or potions. I

guess I say that because their seems to be a classic recipe for each kind -

the duty, the funeral, the cancer scare, the suicide threat. These BPDs

aren't even creative enough to come up with unique hoovers.

Yes, my parents raised me (almost like cinderella) to believe it was my duty

to take care of them, and do things they were perfectly capable of doing

themselves. I was told I had a duty to care for them from about age 4 or 5.

Anytime I did something I wanted to do instead of responding to the duty

hoover, they would tell my that my grandmother needed me. 100 percent of the

time they played the grandmother card. And then my grandmother died and they

played it again and again. This time, I didn't even let death budge my NC.

Well, then I didn't want to help them anymore. And I stopped. I went NC. And

guess what - my brother moved across about 8 states because he " had " to come

take care of them because " his family needed him. " HA HA whatever, they can

do all kinds of things to harass and neglect me. They have money they can

pay for care. My hell they are only in their 60s.My dad hikes about 500

miles each summer - and yet he can't wipe his own ass? Whatev!

The duty hoover is a lie. If she hasn't earned your love, time and

devotion, don't give it to her.

My 2 cents.

Love Girlscout

On Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 12:42 PM, healthyjasmine <jasmineintuition@...

> wrote:

>

> I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help with. I

> apologize in advance for the length of the post.

>

> I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in the

> suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have siblings

> but they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40 minutes from

> where I live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and if

> one of my siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on the

> phone.

>

> She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in the

> 6 years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the store

> and the park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for

> driver's license testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good

> driver?) and is going over the top about it.

>

> I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since she

> lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store, hairdresser,

> pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself more than

> capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate

> driving her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she

> would ever have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it

> over the last few years.

>

> She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the Dept.

> of Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she

> believes that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they

> were unlikely to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to dictate

> to me and wanted me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry rant

> culminating with a suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since I

> was a young child and I'm sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call her

> doctor and ask for help. Man, was she pissed off! She yelled sarcastically

> that she was sorry to have bothered me and hung up.

>

> I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go NC

> now and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never

> happened that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and

> resumed an uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

>

> My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly

> borderline mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the

> only family member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for

> emergencies and holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and

> doesn't call me for months but I know that if she needs something, I will

> get a call. I do screen all my calls and I could just not return the call.

>

> Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older

> parent.

>

> Jasmine

>

March 14, 2011

Hey Jasmine! I'm going to say this with a LOT Of respect for Girlscout, because

I just can't make myself go totally NC with my Nada who is older, though it's my

secret fantasy.

I would say that if she's able to get around, don't worry about her. That's

kinda what I'm doing with my mom. I'm waiting until that moment that she

absolutely can't take care of herself or trick other people into doing her

bidding ... and then I'm gonna stick her in a home. Which probably won't happen

until she's literally unable to move. But that's my plan. When you do that, the

state will take over your Nada's estate and use that money until its gone. Then

Medicare (or Medicaid, I get them confused) will kick in a pay the rest, and she

won't be your problem until her funeral.

Gawd, that sounds cold. But it's true.

March 14, 2011

I think what works for people is very individual. LC works for some, NC for

others, so how you decide to do it is completely up to you. It sounds like

a very frustrating situation, and like Girlscout said, she's trying to

Hoover you right back in with the threats & stuff. That's not cool at all.

But yes, there are services out there that can take care of or help your

nada. I'm not sure if you're in the US, but there are elderly social

services and if she has medicare and/or medicaid, there is assistance for

her. Often there are people who volunteer to drive elderly or disabled

folks to places like the grocery store, hair dresser, etc and do it either

free or for a very low fee. There are ways she can remain independent even

without a license. And ways for you to stay safe & sane in which ever way

works best for you.

You've probably read this hear before and sometimes I worry that people will

get upset by it, but I mean it out of concern... if you don't have a

therapist, you might want to look into finding one. You have to look out

for yourself and make sure you're healthy too. Plus, with your nada's age,

there's a lot to consider. I am completely NC with my nada who's in her

late 50s, but one thing I did have to work through was how I could feel when

she dies. Again, it sounds cold... but I think it's important for us to

think about those types of things and talk to someone who can help us work

through any issues that being NC can bring.

For me, I doubt I will be in her life when that time comes for my nada. I'm

sure it will be a mix of emotions, and yet relief as well. (Boy, anyone

reading this who has no clue about the types of things we lived through

would seriously think we're a bunch of evil bitches LOL). But I don't think

I will feel guilt. I felt enough guilt for so many years, I'm finally done

with it. Now it's just mourning for the type of mother we all deserve.

Anyway, I wish you lots of luck, I can only imagine how difficult this must

be for you & others who have elderly nadas and/or fadas. It's human nature

to want to help someone in their end stages of life, but, when you have a

borderline parent... it seems like it would be much harder.

Mia

March 14, 2011

Jasmine, I am LC with my elderly nada. I wish I could say it was NC, but I

can't. She is 86 and has been on Hospice Care twice in the last four years.

She recovered both times (and one of those times she was actually at the Hospice

House). She also barely recovered from a real suicide attempt when I was about

10. It was just last week that Hospice said she no longer met medicare

criteria. I say she has cat DNA in her. Get this, she has non hodkins

lymphoma, Type 2 diabetes, a thyroid problem, and a heart problem with an

inserted pace maker. But, she isn't on any meds anymore (since last Hospice).

She refuses to go to any type of assisted living facility. My sis and I hired

care providers to go in and take care of her, but every Monday I had to go over

and let the Hospice people in. That was at least once a week that I went over

there. Now it just depends......does she need more Depends, or food, or

whatever. I let the care provider (which my mom is paying for) do most tasks as

well as give me updates. My nada is so nasty to the care provider, that I

really don't expect her to last too much longer. It's funny, because after

Hospice released her, the health company that provided the shower chair, oxygen,

porta potty, etc. called to pick all of that stuff up. My mom relied on that

porta potty and refused to use the toilet any more. Now she has to because it

is gone!!!!!! Thank Goodness it's gone! I did my share of emptying that puppy

out! I know the other shoe is going to drop at any time and then I guess I'll

have to be a bit more involved. My nada does wear one of those alert necklaces

in case she falls, and every time my phone rings, I cringe.

My nada recently threw away pics of my sis and I and our children that were in

her living room. She got angry because we wouldn't take all the crap she tried

to dish out when she got real sick this last time. The only part of her brain

that works is the " gripe ass " part. She is so critical of everyone and every

thing. It's horrible. I can't wait 'till she passes so I can feel like I can

get on with my life! There's so much more to the story, but I only have limited

energy to write about this garbage. Good luck to you as you sort through your

own nada mess. It's hard, isn't it?

Annie 2

>

> I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help with. I

apologize in advance for the length of the post.

>

> I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in the

suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have siblings but

they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40 minutes from where I

live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and if one of my

siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on the phone.

>

> She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in the 6

years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the store and the

park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for driver's license

testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good driver?) and is going over

the top about it.

>

> I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since she

lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store, hairdresser,

pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself more than

capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate driving

her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she would ever

have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it over the last

few years.

>

> She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the Dept. of

Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she believes

that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they were unlikely

to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to dictate to me and wanted

me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry rant culminating with a

suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since I was a young child and I'm

sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call her doctor and ask for help. Man,

was she pissed off! She yelled sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered

me and hung up.

>

> I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go NC now

and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never happened

that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and resumed an

uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

>

> My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly borderline

mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the only family

member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for emergencies and

holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and doesn't call me for months

but I know that if she needs something, I will get a call. I do screen all my

calls and I could just not return the call.

>

> Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older parent.

>

> Jasmine

>

March 14, 2011

you know, when you talk about what muggles would think if you read this I'm

reminded of a woman i worked with on a fashion show.

Her mother was in a nursing home. And I barely knew this woman. And all she

ever talked about was how she couldn't wait for her mother to die.

She even went so far as to ask my boyfriend to design a memorial website for

her - but the woman wasn't dead yet!!! So he said no.

I totally could understand the sentiment, but I felt it was inappropriate

boundary-wise to share something so personal with me. In other words, TMI,

lady!!!!

I quickly extracted myself from the relationship.

So, anyway, we are safe here among friends and it is boundary appropriate!

But I thought the story was funny so I wanted to share.

On Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 4:59 PM, CA Annie wrote:

>

> Jasmine, I am LC with my elderly nada. I wish I could say it was NC, but I

> can't. She is 86 and has been on Hospice Care twice in the last four years.

> She recovered both times (and one of those times she was actually at the

> Hospice House). She also barely recovered from a real suicide attempt when I

> was about 10. It was just last week that Hospice said she no longer met

> medicare criteria. I say she has cat DNA in her. Get this, she has non

> hodkins lymphoma, Type 2 diabetes, a thyroid problem, and a heart problem

> with an inserted pace maker. But, she isn't on any meds anymore (since last

> Hospice). She refuses to go to any type of assisted living facility. My sis

> and I hired care providers to go in and take care of her, but every Monday I

> had to go over and let the Hospice people in. That was at least once a week

> that I went over there. Now it just depends......does she need more Depends,

> or food, or whatever. I let the care provider (which my mom is paying for)

> do most tasks as well as give me updates. My nada is so nasty to the care

> provider, that I really don't expect her to last too much longer. It's

> funny, because after Hospice released her, the health company that provided

> the shower chair, oxygen, porta potty, etc. called to pick all of that stuff

> up. My mom relied on that porta potty and refused to use the toilet any

> more. Now she has to because it is gone!!!!!! Thank Goodness it's gone! I

> did my share of emptying that puppy out! I know the other shoe is going to

> drop at any time and then I guess I'll have to be a bit more involved. My

> nada does wear one of those alert necklaces in case she falls, and every

> time my phone rings, I cringe.

>

> My nada recently threw away pics of my sis and I and our children that were

> in her living room. She got angry because we wouldn't take all the crap she

> tried to dish out when she got real sick this last time. The only part of

> her brain that works is the " gripe ass " part. She is so critical of everyone

> and every thing. It's horrible. I can't wait 'till she passes so I can feel

> like I can get on with my life! There's so much more to the story, but I

> only have limited energy to write about this garbage. Good luck to you as

> you sort through your own nada mess. It's hard, isn't it?

>

> Annie 2

>

> >

> > I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help with.

> I apologize in advance for the length of the post.

> >

> > I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in

> the suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have

> siblings but they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40

> minutes from where I live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving,

> Christmas, and if one of my siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a

> month on the phone.

> >

> > She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in

> the 6 years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the

> store and the park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for

> driver's license testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good

> driver?) and is going over the top about it.

> >

> > I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since

> she lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store, hairdresser,

> pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself more than

> capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate

> driving her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she

> would ever have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it

> over the last few years.

> >

> > She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the

> Dept. of Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because

> she believes that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that

> they were unlikely to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to

> dictate to me and wanted me to write it. I said no and she went into an

> angry rant culminating with a suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide

> since I was a young child and I'm sick of it. I interrupted and told her to

> call her doctor and ask for help. Man, was she pissed off! She yelled

> sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered me and hung up.

> >

> > I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go NC

> now and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never

> happened that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and

> resumed an uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

> >

> > My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly

> borderline mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the

> only family member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for

> emergencies and holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and

> doesn't call me for months but I know that if she needs something, I will

> get a call. I do screen all my calls and I could just not return the call.

> >

> > Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older

> parent.

> >

> > Jasmine

> >

>

March 14, 2011

What you just described is almost identical to what my husband and I have

endured over the past 10 years. My nada also had Avow coming in there home

2 times a wk., plus a nurse once a week for the past year. She was

horrible to everyone. She was much worse to me. Hitting, slamming me

physically, verbally horrible. It's called " My husband allowed me to behave

this

way for 64 yrs. , so what's wrong with it now? " syndrum. Nada passed away

2 wks. ago. I have not shed a tear. She was bed ridden for the last 7

years, so I pretty much let her go emotionally a long time ago. I also

cleaned up after her, trimmed her hair, cleaned her stinky clothes (they

stopped bathing and changing clothes after a while) changed their sheets,

kitchen, floors, and toilets........................honey, all we can do is

honor

our parents. That doesn't mean take abuse, foul words and behaviors.

I started giving them (nada & fada) space & outside help, and just would

be there to be the daughter........then leave! It's terrible the

guilt they inflicted upon us growing up and as adults, we find ourselves

so confused as to what are we supposed to do???? She has help sweetie.

Check in on her by phone, or drop by but don't give up your life!

Love to you,

Laurie

In a message dated 3/14/2011 6:59:51 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

dyslexiaspecialist@... writes:

Jasmine, I am LC with my elderly nada. I wish I could say it was NC, but I

can't. She is 86 and has been on Hospice Care twice in the last four years.

She recovered both times (and one of those times she was actually at the

Hospice House). She also barely recovered from a real suicide attempt when I

was about 10. It was just last week that Hospice said she no longer met

medicare criteria. I say she has cat DNA in her. Get this, she has non

hodkins lymphoma, Type 2 diabetes, a thyroid problem, and a heart problem with

an

inserted pace maker. But, she isn't on any meds anymore (since last

Hospice). She refuses to go to any type of assisted living facility. My sis and

I

hired care providers to go in and take care of her, but every Monday I had

to go over and let the Hospice people in. That was at least once a week

that I went over there. Now it just depends......does she need more Depends,

or food, or whatever. I let the care provider (which my mom is paying for)

do most tasks as well as give me updates. My nada is so nasty to the care

provider, that I really don't expect her to last too much longer. It's

funny, because after Hospice released her, the health company that provided the

shower chair, oxygen, porta potty, etc. called to pick all of that stuff

up. My mom relied on that porta potty and refused to use the toilet any more.

Now she has to because it is gone!!!!!! Thank Goodness it's gone! I did my

share of emptying that puppy out! I know the other shoe is going to drop

at any time and then I guess I'll have to be a bit more involved. My nada

does wear one of those alert necklaces in case she falls, and every time my

phone rings, I cringe.

My nada recently threw away pics of my sis and I and our children that

were in her living room. She got angry because we wouldn't take all the crap

she tried to dish out when she got real sick this last time. The only part of

her brain that works is the " gripe ass " part. She is so critical of

everyone and every thing. It's horrible. I can't wait 'till she passes so I can

feel like I can get on with my life! There's so much more to the story, but

I only have limited energy to write about this garbage. Good luck to you as

you sort through your own nada mess. It's hard, isn't it?

Annie 2

>

> I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help

with. I apologize in advance for the length of the post.

>

> I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in

the suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have

siblings but they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40

minutes from where I live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas,

and if one of my siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on

the phone.

>

> She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in

the 6 years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the

store and the park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for

driver's license testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good

driver?) and is going over the top about it.

>

> I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since

she lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store,

hairdresser, pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself

more

than capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate

driving her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she

would ever have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it over

the last few years.

>

> She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the

Dept. of Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she

believes that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they

were unlikely to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to

dictate to me and wanted me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry

rant culminating with a suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since I

was a young child and I'm sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call

her doctor and ask for help. Man, was she pissed off! She yelled

sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered me and hung up.

>

> I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go

NC now and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never

happened that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and

resumed an uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

>

> My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly

borderline mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the

only

family member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for

emergencies and holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and doesn't

call me for months but I know that if she needs something, I will get a call.

I do screen all my calls and I could just not return the call.

>

> Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older

parent.

>

> Jasmine

>

March 14, 2011

The problem with calling or checking in is that my nada can't hear and she won't

put in her hearing aids much. So, she doesn't hear the phone ring or won't

answer the door because she doesn't hear it. I can't remember the last time we

had a decent conversations. I keep my sentences short and loud (which I hate)

and if I need to really say something, I have to write her a letter. My sis and

I both wrote her letters about her poor behavior, but she totally blew them off.

The letters also said that we loved her and wanted to help her and we were doing

the best we could. When I go over, my nada gets up and goes into the bedroom so

she doesn't have to see me. But, interestingly, she does come out at times to

" bitch " about something. It's never anything positive, trust me. So I have a

huge communication gap going on with her as well. Here's a funny......before

she was on Hospice this last time, she wasn't feeling well at all and I, at the

side of her bed, asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance. She misheard

what I said, and shook her head yes. So guess what? Off to the hospital she

went and boy was she pissed off at me! LOL. That's just an illustration of my

communication struggles with her.

Annie 2

> >

> > I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help

> with. I apologize in advance for the length of the post.

> >

> > I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in

> the suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have

> siblings but they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40

> minutes from where I live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving,

Christmas,

> and if one of my siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on

> the phone.

> >

> > She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in

> the 6 years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the

> store and the park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for

> driver's license testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good

> driver?) and is going over the top about it.

> >

> > I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since

> she lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store,

> hairdresser, pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself

more

> than capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate

> driving her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she

> would ever have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it

over

> the last few years.

> >

> > She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the

> Dept. of Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she

> believes that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they

> were unlikely to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to

> dictate to me and wanted me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry

> rant culminating with a suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since

I

> was a young child and I'm sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call

> her doctor and ask for help. Man, was she pissed off! She yelled

> sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered me and hung up.

> >

> > I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go

> NC now and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never

> happened that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and

> resumed an uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

> >

> > My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly

> borderline mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the

only

> family member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for

> emergencies and holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and doesn't

> call me for months but I know that if she needs something, I will get a call.

> I do screen all my calls and I could just not return the call.

> >

> > Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older

> parent.

> >

> > Jasmine

> >

>

March 14, 2011

Laurie, I am sorry I didn't acknowledge your nada's passing.

Annie 2

> >

> > I'm normally a lurker but I've got a problem that I could some help

> with. I apologize in advance for the length of the post.

> >

> > I'm LC with my elderly nada (89 next month). She lives independently in

> the suburban house where she and my father raised their family (I have

> siblings but they are thousands of miles away). The house is about 35-40

> minutes from where I live. I see her on our birthdays, Thanksgiving,

Christmas,

> and if one of my siblings is in town. I talk to her about once a month on

> the phone.

> >

> > She has been fairly healthy and I haven't had to do too much for her in

> the 6 years since my father passed away. She still drives herself to the

> store and the park-and-ride for the bus. However, she has been summoned for

> driver's license testing for some reason (uh, because she's not a good

> driver?) and is going over the top about it.

> >

> > I do understand that losing her license will be a problem for her since

> she lives in the suburbs and her ability to go the local store,

> hairdresser, pharmacy will be more difficult. However, she has proven herself

more

> than capable of getting people to do things for her and I don't anticipate

> driving her around which I won't do anyway. She's been in denial that she

> would ever have to stop driving though my siblings and I have mentioned it

over

> the last few years.

> >

> > She called me last week because she wanted me to type a letter to the

> Dept. of Licensing to insist that they tell her who turned her in because she

> believes that she is a victim of age discrimination. I told her that they

> were unlikely to tell her. She didn't have the letter written out to

> dictate to me and wanted me to write it. I said no and she went into an angry

> rant culminating with a suicide threat. She's been threatening suicide since

I

> was a young child and I'm sick of it. I interrupted and told her to call

> her doctor and ask for help. Man, was she pissed off! She yelled

> sarcastically that she was sorry to have bothered me and hung up.

> >

> > I did not call her back and will not call her back. I would like to go

> NC now and figure that if she calls me at some point to pretend this never

> happened that I won't let her do that. Up to now, I've always gone along and

> resumed an uneasy LC. But I am fed up.

> >

> > My main problem is that I feel guilty about abandoning my elderly

> borderline mother. We've never gotten along all that well but since I'm the

only

> family member in the area, I've felt it's my duty to be available for

> emergencies and holidays. I'm hoping that she stays angry with me and doesn't

> call me for months but I know that if she needs something, I will get a call.

> I do screen all my calls and I could just not return the call.

> >

> > Anyway, I would like some feedback from those who are NC with an older

> parent.

> >

> > Jasmine

> >

>

March 14, 2011

Jasmine I understand your situation completely. I am there.

My nada is 74 and in bad health. She is blind in one eye,

cannot drive, and acts like she can't walk (for my benefit

but she really can). haha. Such a drama queen.

Anyway, for years I ran over to her house to take care

of her and my father who was dying. I would sleep over

often and having my own bad health (am on disability)

it was hell. I did the doctor appointments, hospital

stays, grocery trips,laundry, whatever needed to be done.

It's all forgotten. Now my youngest brother moved in on

her when Daddy died, and he is taking over. She'll be

leaving him the house she says.

The point is this: they always find someone to sucker

in. No doubt there comes a time when an elderly person

requires some help....but then don't we all know of at

least a few that have managed things and done fine?

There are cabs, there are contractors to medicare who

drive people around, there are churches with daycare,

there are plenty of things. There is also assisted

living. The point is, these things are out there for

the elderly but some of them like bp's want to hang on

to the old days and use it to manipulate.

Don't feel too guilty. My advice is to find all the

services you can out there and have them ready to call.

Most of them are already paid for. Also look up

resources from the state on their website for aging.

Good luck to you. If you end up being a caretaker,

my heart goes out to you. My nada kicked me in the

abdomen and herniated me one day....not to mention the

spitting slapping and other abuse.

Be careful or you'll be PTSD like me.

babyfoggy