Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thought you guys would get a kick out of this because you're the only ones who would understand. Nada's phone number showed up on the caller ID late Friday night. I debated not answering, since I try to limit our contact, but figured I was mentally up for it, so I answered. Big mistake. Her night time calls are usually more looney than the day time ones. Her, immediately: " You asked me to tell you more about X, so that's why I'm calling. " (This is not true, as I try not to ask her about ANYTHING, let alone her ex-boyfriend X, one of many, many boyfriends from long ago, but obviously, she was in delusion mode and looking for an excuse to call me.) Me: " Cool. " In my best medium-chill voice. Her: " He called me tonight! That man is so sexy! He said things to me tonight that curled my toes! " etc., etc., etc., general sexual disgustingness ... Me: " Cool. " (Thinking EEWWWWWW!!! Please shut the hell up!!!) She then proceeded to tell me that X, who she thinks is 55, is finally leaving his wife to come be with her. I find this incredibly difficult to believe, since Nada is almost 70 and in extremely bad shape. I'm not trying to be ageist here -- she's just … gross. Why a man 15 years her junior, in good health, with a decent job, would leave his wife to be with an elderly, overweight, lazy, extremely out of shape, histrionic, wacko, dirt-poor crazy woman several states away makes absolutely no sense. Her belief that this might really happen is just one more stunning bit of the bizarre intricacies of her shriveled brain. Me: " Cool. " She then had to complain that my 8-year-old hasn't been acceptably social or loving toward her lately. (Well, duh, Grandma. That's because you're MEAN.) Me: " Hmmm. " Thankfully, the medium chill worked and she let me go pretty quickly. Also thankfully, the call didn't plunge me into a depression as it would have not so very long ago. It was actually sort of entertaining, though I wish I hadn't answered the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Woohoo Amber! I'm applauding you right now =) You handled the crazy =) You got her off the phone quickly =) And you did it all without causing yourself to become depressed! =D Rock on! I'm so glad you shared this with us. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Amber I ll risk offering advice, based on a lifetime of KO madness, which, along with a buck will get you a cup of coffee. > Her, immediately: " You asked me to tell you more about X, so that's why I'm calling. " > > (This is not true, as I try not to ask her about ANYTHING, let alone her ex-boyfriend X, one of many, many boyfriends from long ago, but obviously, she was in delusion mode and looking for an excuse to call me.) Her game right away. We must NEVER play. She is either gaslighting or outright lying. No matter, the best response is, No, I did NOT ask you to tell me about X, nor do I want to hear anything about him. Is there anything else you d like to chat about? If she comes back to X, which, being a BP she most likely would, you interupt her AT ONCE, and say, I told you I do not want to hear anything about X, but you are not listening to me. I m going to hang up now. Then do so, instantly. Never, ever, EVER let a BP play thier games with you. > Me: " Cool. " In my best medium-chill voice. > > Her: " He called me tonight! That man is so sexy! He said things to me tonight that curled my toes! " etc., etc., etc., general sexual disgustingness ... If you didnt stop it at the start, and it gets this far , then Interupt her loudly and AT ONCE, do not wait for a polite pause, and say, Mom, I do not want to hear about sexual things from you. If you want to talk about that sort of thing, you ll need to find someone else to talk to. And hang up AT ONCE. > Me: " Cool. " > > (Thinking EEWWWWWW!!! Please shut the hell up!!!) If you ever have to think Shut the hell up, you should say it out loud! > She then proceeded to tell me that X, who she thinks is 55, is finally leaving his wife to come be with her. I find this incredibly difficult to believe, since Nada is almost 70 and in extremely bad shape. I'm not trying to be ageist here -- she's just … gross. Why a man 15 years her junior, in good health, with a decent job, would leave his wife to be with an elderly, overweight, lazy, extremely out of shape, histrionic, wacko, dirt-poor crazy woman several states away makes absolutely no sense. It does seem bizarre. But, I m 55. When my mom was in her 40s, she married a man just 2 years older than I was at the time. They are wierd, and they find wierd people. She could be delusional, or she could have found her a fellow nut case. Her belief that this might really happen is just one more stunning bit of the bizarre intricacies of her shriveled brain. > > Me: " Cool. " > > She then had to complain that my 8-year-old hasn't been acceptably social or loving toward her lately. (Well, duh, Grandma. That's because you're MEAN.) In keeping with my no Bullshit from BP s policy, " Mom, little Timmy doesnt want to be around you or spend time with you because you treat him badly. You do XYZ to him that is just mean and unacceptable. I m not going to force him to put up with it , or you. If you want to have a relationship with your grandson, you need to change that. ( Trust me, grands, who are NOT KO s, and who do NOT have the FOG, have little to do with crazy BPD Grandnada when they are old enough to make thier own decisions. ) > Me: " Hmmm. " > > Thankfully, the medium chill worked and she let me go pretty quickly. Again, scuse me while I cough Bullshit. She " let you go " ? So she was in control, right? Again, don t play the games with them. I used to have to interupt and say MOM I told you I have to go and you just keep talking and that is rude as hell and inconsiderate, and I am now hanging up. And then I did, AT ONCE. You must set your own rules, and boundaries, and don t let her play her games with you. It is your life and your time. Also thankfully, the call didn't plunge me into a depression as it would have not so very long ago. It was actually sort of entertaining, though I wish I hadn't answered the phone. If her calls depress you don t take them. If you do, make the rules clear to her and hang up on her AT ONCE, every time she violates them. There is no rule book that says you have to take a rude phone call from her or anyone. Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks, Doug. I guess I'll attempt to explain my thoughts on a couple of things .... with the grandchild, you have to give me points for doing better. I used to take her to visit grandma once a week. Now, we see grandma maybe four or five times a year, and only for a few hours at a time. The combination of not seeing her often, my child knowing that grandma makes me uneasy, and the fact that grandma is often not very nice is of course going to make things strained between them, and that's okay with me. If that's the way their relationship is, that's not my fault. That's Nada's fault. And if my kid at some point refuses to see her, again, that's fine. (I never could stand my Grandnada, who was a cruel woman, and Nada made *me* feel bad about our relationship literally from the time I was three years old.) Similarly, I used to talk to my mom on the phone several times a week. Now we're down to maybe three or four times a month. I'm getting there. Often, though, I find that stepping in and loudly proclaiming that my rules are being broken causes *me* more stress, distress, tension, trauma, etc., than if I can control my anger, act as though nothing is going on, and let the moment pass. Believe me, I've blown up at her more than once, and THAT is part of her game. To try to needle me until I blow. She LOVES that. What I should have done, as I said, was not answer the phone at all, especially at that time of night, since there was a good chance that it was going to be wacko. What I would love to do is cut off contact with her altogether, but I just can't quite do that. > > > Amber > > I ll risk offering advice, based on a lifetime of KO madness, which, > along with a buck will get you a cup of coffee. > > > > Her, immediately: " You asked me to tell you more about X, so that's > why I'm calling. " > > > > (This is not true, as I try not to ask her about ANYTHING, let alone > her ex-boyfriend X, one of many, many boyfriends from long ago, but > obviously, she was in delusion mode and looking for an excuse to call > me.) > > > Her game right away. We must NEVER play. She is either gaslighting or > outright lying. No matter, the best response is, No, I did NOT ask you > to tell me about X, nor do I want to hear anything about him. Is there > anything else you d like to chat about? > > If she comes back to X, which, being a BP she most likely would, you > interupt her AT ONCE, and say, I told you I do not want to hear > anything about X, but you are not listening to me. I m going to hang up > now. Then do so, instantly. Never, ever, EVER let a BP play thier > games with you. > > > > Me: " Cool. " In my best medium-chill voice. > > > > Her: " He called me tonight! That man is so sexy! He said things to me > tonight that curled my toes! " etc., etc., etc., general sexual > disgustingness ... > > If you didnt stop it at the start, and it gets this far , then > > Interupt her loudly and AT ONCE, do not wait for a polite pause, and > say, Mom, I do not want to hear about sexual things from you. If you > want to talk about that sort of thing, you ll need to find someone else > to talk to. And hang up AT ONCE. > > > > Me: " Cool. " > > > > (Thinking EEWWWWWW!!! Please shut the hell up!!!) > > If you ever have to think Shut the hell up, you should say it out loud! > > > > She then proceeded to tell me that X, who she thinks is 55, is finally > leaving his wife to come be with her. I find this incredibly difficult > to believe, since Nada is almost 70 and in extremely bad shape. I'm not > trying to be ageist here -- she's just … gross. Why a man 15 years > her junior, in good health, with a decent job, would leave his wife to > be with an elderly, overweight, lazy, extremely out of shape, > histrionic, wacko, dirt-poor crazy woman several states away makes > absolutely no sense. > > It does seem bizarre. But, I m 55. When my mom was in her 40s, she > married a man just 2 years older than I was at the time. They are > wierd, and they find wierd people. She could be delusional, or she > could have found her a fellow nut case. > > Her belief that this might really happen is just one more stunning bit > of the bizarre intricacies of her shriveled brain. > > > > Me: " Cool. " > > > > She then had to complain that my 8-year-old hasn't been acceptably > social or loving toward her lately. (Well, duh, Grandma. That's because > you're MEAN.) > > In keeping with my no Bullshit from BP s policy, " Mom, little Timmy > doesnt want to be around you or spend time with you because you treat > him badly. You do XYZ to him that is just mean and unacceptable. I m > not going to force him to put up with it , or you. If you want to have > a relationship with your grandson, you need to change that. > > ( Trust me, grands, who are NOT KO s, and who do NOT have the FOG, have > little to do with crazy BPD Grandnada when they are old enough to make > thier own decisions. ) > > > > > > Me: " Hmmm. " > > > > Thankfully, the medium chill worked and she let me go pretty quickly. > > Again, scuse me while I cough Bullshit. She " let you go " ? So she > was in control, right? Again, don t play the games with them. I used > to have to interupt and say MOM I told you I have to go and you just > keep talking and that is rude as hell and inconsiderate, and I am now > hanging up. And then I did, AT ONCE. > > You must set your own rules, and boundaries, and don t let her play her > games with you. It is your life and your time. > > > > Also thankfully, the call didn't plunge me into a depression as it > would have not so very long ago. It was actually sort of entertaining, > though I wish I hadn't answered the phone. > > If her calls depress you don t take them. If you do, make the rules > clear to her and hang up on her AT ONCE, every time she violates them. > > There is no rule book that says you have to take a rude phone call from > her or anyone. > > Doug > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 > Similarly, I used to talk to my mom on the phone several times a week. Now we're down to maybe three or four times a month. > > I'm getting there. Often, though, I find that stepping in and loudly proclaiming that my rules are being broken causes *me* more stress, distress, tension, trauma, etc., than if I can control my anger, act as though nothing is going on, and let the moment pass. Believe me, I've blown up at her more than once, and THAT is part of her game. To try to needle me until I blow. She LOVES that. Just a clarification, you are right, pushing you till you blow is part of her game. Which is why you don t play. Don t let her keep it going long enough to get you mad. Just simply, Mom, I ve said that is not acceptable and I don t want to hear it, should be sufficient. Think of her as a total stranger or a telemarketer. If you say no, and they keep going, you don t owe them anything, least of all getting upset. Nada s seem to have a common theme of sexual inappropriateness. I had to re enforce that with mom over and over. I used to get enraged then feel sick for days. I came to the point of saying once, and once only, nope, that is out of bounds, and then at the next word in that context hanging up. > > What I should have done, as I said, was not answer the phone at all, especially at that time of night, since there was a good chance that it was going to be wacko. > > What I would love to do is cut off contact with her altogether, but I just can't quite do that. It would be so easy to go NC, but in other ways that is something we don t quite want to do. But stand your ground. And hang in there. She won t get better, but you can! Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I gotta say I would love to see you be able to employ the boundary techniques that Doug suggests. I'm comparing your story to my nada and me, and I wish I could employ Doug's methods myself. But I do get that you were able to not respond to her attempts to bait you. That's an important step too. Hopefully you can employ that calm/detachment into upholding your boundaries next time she calls to talk about X. Good first step and gold star! Different strokes for different strokes, and if you felt you made progress, great! But I think Doug has some good points. When I decide to allow my nada contact again, IF I ever decide to do so, I will probably laminate his list of rules and put it on my fridge so I can keep control of the conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Yeah, I know Doug's right. He's always got such great advice and such a clear voice about what we're dealing with! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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