Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one else really seems to. I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read about BPD and had an aha moment. My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to criticize her. But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thank you. > Hi Gail, welcome, you have my sympathy. > > > >> >> >> Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading >> the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously >> wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one >> else really seems to. >> I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am >> convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My >> father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out >> what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read >> about BPD and had an aha moment. >> My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how >> crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My >> brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he >> " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my >> father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is >> chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. >> My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the >> problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever >> " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has >> " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all >> my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs >> (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her >> either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making >> quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). >> My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim >> and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will >> bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never >> do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me >> to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and >> vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am >> going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven >> because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will >> never be forgiven). >> The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her >> perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and >> father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, >> this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me >> to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is >> talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or >> I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time >> she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to >> talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) >> Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to >> criticize her. >> But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has >> a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although >> not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have >> known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior >> because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. >> Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more >> from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. >> Gail >> >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Isn't it amazing how they can do that! > Jesus, Gail. You wrote: " In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). " > > ...and that pretty much sums up my Nada to a T. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hi Gail & welcome! I'm glad you found us and I hope you see that you're not alone. We get it! Like Amber, this sums up my nada as well. " In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). " Uuugh. Again, glad you found us but sorry you have a reason to be here, you know? Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hi and Welcome! Its really odd actually to read the stories here and see so much of our own experiences in them. Another book that I found very helpful was " Daughters of Madness " . Its mostly stories, and how we are all affected in much the same way. Oh, and I'm a fellow Psych Major. No surprise there. > > Hi Everyone. I joined this goup today and have been fascinated reading the different > posts, describing such similar experiences and feelings as my own. I only recently became > aware/convinced that my mother has BPD with some NPD traits as well. I've always known > she was " crazy " and impossible to get along with, but I didn't have a specific label for her > disorder. I remember seeing the movie " Mommy Dearest " years ago and thinking, " that's > how my mother was/is. " I first heard the term back in the early 90s when a co-worker of > mine mentioned it in relation to his own mother, who was supposedly diagnosed and > seeking treatment. When he described the symptoms, I said, " that sounds exactly like my > mother. " I looked it up in one of my Psychology text books when I got home (big surprise I > was a Psych Major), but then that was as far as it went. > > I just finished reading " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (twice) which I found > extremely validating and is the only book I've read on the subject so far. I read it in about > 2 days the first time around. It was as though I was reading my life story. The second time, > I highlighted key points that were specific to my situation, and found that whole > paragraphs and half pages were yellow! Some of the actual quotes were dead-on and while > I was reading some of the passages to my sister over the phone, we joked that the author > must have been listening in on our conversations. > > My mother is predominately a Queen/Witch most of the time with Hermit and Waif > tendencies as well. This book has helped me deal with the guilt feelings and second- > guessing in deciding to cut her out of my life after one of her latest episides (so has my > sister). After 42 years, I've come to the realization that she and our relationship will never > change, no matter how I try to get through to her, and I'm done. Life is too short to > continue puting up with that kind of denigration and abuse - it's time I preserve my own > emotional well being and have some peace. I've often said that if she were anyone else, I > would have severed the relationship years ago, and it's only continued simply because > she's my mother. > > I'm anxiously awaiting delivery of two more books I ordered on the subject: " Surviving The > Borderline Parent... " and " Emotional Blackmail... " It sounds like I should have ordered > SWOE too, but I guess that'll be next. > > Thanks for listening, > a > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my mother's mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people may understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say that my own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and often sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal when her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never been good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 or 6 years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many behaviors consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself here. So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Welcome, Gail. Yup, I think you're in the right place. At the very least, you know you're not crazy! I know you'll find good support here. Fiona > > Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one else really seems to. > I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read about BPD and had an aha moment. > My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. > My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). > My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). > The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to criticize her. > But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. > Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. > Gail > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hi there! Welcome, so glad you found us. You might want to consider LC (limiting contact) or NC (no contact). I'm NC for the past 8 years. It is a miracle. Hugs, so sorry you have to be here but glad you have found some answers, Girlscout > > > Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading > the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously > wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one > else really seems to. > I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am > convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My > father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out > what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read > about BPD and had an aha moment. > My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how > crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My > brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he > " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my > father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is > chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. > My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the > problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever > " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has > " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all > my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs > (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her > either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making > quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). > My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim > and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will > bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never > do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me > to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and > vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am > going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven > because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will > never be forgiven). > The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her > perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and > father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, > this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me > to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is > talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or > I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time > she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to > talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) > Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to > criticize her. > But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has > a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although > not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have > known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior > because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. > Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more > from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. > Gail > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thanks Mia. It is a big relief just knowing that someone understands. > Hi Gail & welcome! I'm glad you found us and I hope you see that you're not > alone. We get it! > > Like Amber, this sums up my nada as well. " In her mind, she did not abuse > anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and > everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). " > > Uuugh. > > Again, glad you found us but sorry you have a reason to be here, you know? > > Mia > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thanks Fiona. I am looking forward to learning from everyone's experiences. > Welcome, Gail. > Yup, I think you're in the right place. At the very least, you know you're not crazy! > I know you'll find good support here. > > Fiona > > > > > > Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one else really seems to. > > I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read about BPD and had an aha moment. > > My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. > > My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). > > My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will never be forgiven). > > The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to criticize her. > > But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. > > Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. > > Gail > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I am actually at a cross roads due to a recent blow up after a long time of civility and am debating whether to go LC or NC. I will definitely do one or the other. I have to see my mother in a week and a half for a family event, and when I get back, I need to decide which. It will depend partly on how she acts when I see her. Thanks for the warm welcome. > Hi there! Welcome, so glad you found us. > > You might want to consider LC (limiting contact) or NC (no contact). I'm NC > for the past 8 years. It is a miracle. > > Hugs, so sorry you have to be here but glad you have found some answers, > Girlscout > > > >> >> >> Hi everyone. I just joined this group about a week ago. I have been reading >> the posts in amazement. It's like reading about my own life. I am cautiously >> wondering if I have finally found people who might understand what no one >> else really seems to. >> I will be 49 on Friday. I live across the country from my mother, who I am >> convinced has undiagnosed BPD, and far from my 51 year old brother. My >> father died about 6 years ago. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out >> what is wrong with my mother (and, for many years, myself), until I read >> about BPD and had an aha moment. >> My father was the ultimate enabler, in total, total denial, no matter how >> crazy my mother acted, and no matter how she treated him or her children. My >> brother, in his own words, learned to " stay out of dodge. " He says he >> " always knew she was crazy, " but he never received the kind of abuse my >> father and I did and prefers to avoid dealing with it. He believes she is >> chronically depressed, but doesn't think she has BPD. >> My mother's rages were (and still are) mostly directed at me. I was the >> problem child and the scapegoat, the reason for her unhappiness, forever >> " selfish " and " ungrateful " in her words, despite the fact that, she has >> " done more for me than anyone else in my life " (my father's words). For all >> my life, all I have know from her is criticism, insults, and put downs >> (along with hateful looks and a mean tone of voice). This comes out with her >> either screaming like a madwoman (when no one else is around) or making >> quiet side-ways comments that only I notice (in public or alone). >> My mother denies any and all grievances I have, and is always the victim >> and the martyr. She also stockpiles complaints. During an argument, she will >> bring up things that happened, literally, over 40 years ago. And I can never >> do anything right. If she complains that I didn't do something she wanted me >> to, and next time I do it, she will then complain about me doing it (and >> vice versa). In an argument, she twists everything around until I think I am >> going crazy. In her mind, she did not abuse anyone (or should be forgiven >> because she did the best she could), and everyone has abused her (and will >> never be forgiven). >> The only time my mother feels supported is when I agree with her >> perceptions of things, including her criticisms of my dad as a husband and >> father and of myself as a daughter and person. When I do agree with her, >> this only fuels her fire so that she complains more harshly, and expects me >> to agree with her now harsher criticism. I am either wonderful (when she is >> talking to a third party and it benefits her to paint me in that light), or >> I am the worst person and daughter ever (in her mind every day and any time >> she is talking to me.) Sometimes I am both at one time and she will want to >> talk to the good me about the bad me (that's an out of body experience!) >> Also, while she is allowed to criticize everyone else, no one is allowed to >> criticize her. >> But my mom can also act totally normal in public. She has friends, even has >> a super nice boyfriend (don't understand how that happened!), and although >> not upbeat or warm, is seen as normal to many people, even those who have >> known her casually for years. This makes it hard to combat her behavior >> because I am afraid that people will not believe me or will blame me. >> Anyway, for now I just wanted to introduce myself. You will be hearing more >> from me as I get used to being part of the group. Thanks for listening. >> Gail >> >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Welcome to you too! > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my mother's mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people may understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say that my own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and often sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal when her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never been good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 or 6 years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many behaviors consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself here. > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Welcome Yoda baby hugs to you. It seems that the more loveable BPDs are usually waifs/hermits instead of outright queen/witches. Thoughts on that guys? You might just have you a waif if you have times that are good. > Welcome to you too! > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my mother's > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people may > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say that my > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and often > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal when > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never been > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 or 6 > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many behaviors > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > here. > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Um, waifs suck the life out of you just as badly but in entirely different ways. You always have to take care of them, see to their happiness, try and placate their misery. When they say they don't even know why they are alive or that no one loves them, you spend hours trying to assure them that, of course, they are loved, and it would very much matter to you if they weren't alive or had never been born (since it would mean you had never been born). They suck the life out of you until you have dreams about killing them and imagine yourself doing physical harm to them in your fantasies because they have beaten down your soul so much. I wouldn't call anything about my waif sometimes hermit nada lovable. There are no good times to remember. I don't like anything about her or love her. She is this being that, for my entire childhood and part of my early adulthood, I was responsible for--her emotions, her existence, everything. In fact, it might be easier to have a queen/witch nada, because then, at least you can justify the feelings of hating her, instead of feeling sorry for her all the time and wondering if you are just at terrible person who doesn't support your poor depressed mother who has given you everything (her words) and never had help from anyone (her words) and worked her life for everything she ever got with no help from anybody (her words). Ug. They all suck. > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my mother's > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people may > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say that my > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and often > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal when > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never been > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 or 6 > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many behaviors > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > > here. > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I agree it is easier with the queen cuz it's pure bad. I believe my grandmother was a waif. > > > Um, waifs suck the life out of you just as badly but in entirely different > ways. You always have to take care of them, see to their happiness, try and > placate their misery. When they say they don't even know why they are alive > or that no one loves them, you spend hours trying to assure them that, of > course, they are loved, and it would very much matter to you if they weren't > alive or had never been born (since it would mean you had never been born). > They suck the life out of you until you have dreams about killing them and > imagine yourself doing physical harm to them in your fantasies because they > have beaten down your soul so much. > > I wouldn't call anything about my waif sometimes hermit nada lovable. There > are no good times to remember. I don't like anything about her or love her. > She is this being that, for my entire childhood and part of my early > adulthood, I was responsible for--her emotions, her existence, everything. > > In fact, it might be easier to have a queen/witch nada, because then, at > least you can justify the feelings of hating her, instead of feeling sorry > for her all the time and wondering if you are just at terrible person who > doesn't support your poor depressed mother who has given you everything (her > words) and never had help from anyone (her words) and worked her life for > everything she ever got with no help from anybody (her words). > > Ug. They all suck. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > mother's > > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > people may > > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > that my > > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and > often > > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal > when > > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never > been > > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 > or 6 > > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > behaviors > > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > > > here. > > > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 I agree with GS and others that the Hermit/Waif type is easier to love because they seem (for the most part) the nasty, vindictive traits of a Queen/Witch mother. However, even with Hermit/Waifs, their love comes with a price. My Grandnada (nada's nada), was a classic Hermit/Waif type. She was very loving and kind, and her grandkids, (especially me as I was the fav), enjoyed a very close relationship with her. It was far from healthy though. Looking back now, I realize that her love was conditional. It came with a price - a hefty portion of GUILT. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > > mother's > > > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > > people may > > > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > > that my > > > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and > > often > > > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal > > when > > > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never > > been > > > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 > > or 6 > > > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > > behaviors > > > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > > > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > > > > here. > > > > > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 oops! left out a word....what I meant to say is " the seem to LACK (for the most part) the nasty, vindictive traits of a Queen/Witch mother " > I agree with GS and others that the Hermit/Waif type is easier to love because they seem (for the most part) the nasty, vindictive traits of a Queen/Witch mother. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > > > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > > > mother's > > > > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > > > people may > > > > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > > > that my > > > > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > > > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and > > > often > > > > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal > > > when > > > > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never > > > been > > > > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 > > > or 6 > > > > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > > > behaviors > > > > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > > > > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > > > > > here. > > > > > > > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Yeah, I'm not saying life with the waif isn't hard. I'm just saying I think there is more guilt because there is a little spark of something to love inside her - whereas the queen can be pure villain. On Wed, Mar 16, 2011 at 7:18 AM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > > oops! left out a word....what I meant to say is " the seem to LACK (for the > most part) the nasty, vindictive traits of a Queen/Witch mother " > > > > I agree with GS and others that the Hermit/Waif type is easier to love > because they seem (for the most part) the nasty, vindictive traits of a > Queen/Witch mother. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > > > > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by > my > > > > mother's > > > > > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > > > > people may > > > > > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would > say > > > > that my > > > > > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts > are > > > > > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic > splitter and > > > > often > > > > > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that > pedestal > > > > when > > > > > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has > never > > > > been > > > > > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment > about 5 > > > > or 6 > > > > > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > > > > behaviors > > > > > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD > after a > > > > > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found > myself > > > > > > here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Abusing your child or children covertly is still abuse. The waif-hermit only appears to be kindly on the surface, but the parentifying role she saddles her child with is based on her own appalling narcissism: such a person feels entitled to have her children cater to her and treat her like a fragile orchid. Such a nada makes her child believe that nada's needs and feelings always come first. She cheerfully and smilingly sucks her child dry, denying her child a normal life, and doesn't even feel guilty for having done so. Covert abuse is still abuse, even if its done with a gentle, tearful smile. Think of the witch in Hansel and Gretyl, the hermit witch who lived all alone deep in the woods, who lured children to her with her delightful candy house then imprisoned the children in order to feed on them. Its just that the Witch/Queen nadas are more open with their abuse. With Waif/Hermits the abuse is more insidiously hidden and disguised. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > > > > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > > > mother's > > > > > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > > > people may > > > > > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > > > that my > > > > > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > > > > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and > > > often > > > > > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal > > > when > > > > > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never > > > been > > > > > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 > > > or 6 > > > > > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > > > behaviors > > > > > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > > > > > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > > > > > here. > > > > > > > > > > > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 , I just had to write because you are describing my mother and the exact anxieties I have in dealing with her! I wanted to screech as I read your words they are so on. Thank you for the validation. I will introduce myself as well as I have been a lurker here until now. I have been a member over on the BPSiblings board for a long time and through reading their stories and lots of additional reading I have realized that I have not only two BP siblings but I have my very own nada as well. She seems to be a waif, my sister is a queen and I am not sure what my brother is but I do know he has a lot of witch tendencies. I look forward to learning and sharing with you all...you are already helping to further open my eyes. Thanks, Cuddle > Um, waifs suck the life out of you just as badly but in entirely different > ways. You always have to take care of them, see to their happiness, try and > placate their misery. When they say they don't even know why they are alive > or that no one loves them, you spend hours trying to assure them that, of > course, they are loved, and it would very much matter to you if they weren't > alive or had never been born (since it would mean you had never been born). > They suck the life out of you until you have dreams about killing them and > imagine yourself doing physical harm to them in your fantasies because they > have beaten down your soul so much. > > I wouldn't call anything about my waif sometimes hermit nada lovable. There > are no good times to remember. I don't like anything about her or love her. > She is this being that, for my entire childhood and part of my early > adulthood, I was responsible for--her emotions, her existence, everything. > > In fact, it might be easier to have a queen/witch nada, because then, at > least you can justify the feelings of hating her, instead of feeling sorry > for her all the time and wondering if you are just at terrible person who > doesn't support your poor depressed mother who has given you everything (her > words) and never had help from anyone (her words) and worked her life for > everything she ever got with no help from anybody (her words). > > Ug. They all suck. > > > > >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely >> > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my >> > mother's >> > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people >> > may >> > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say >> > that my >> > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are >> > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and >> > often >> > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal >> > when >> > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never >> > been >> > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 >> > or 6 >> > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many >> > behaviors >> > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a >> > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself >> > here. >> > > >> > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all >> > > >> > > >> > >> > >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Hi! I'm new here and trying to learn the lingo. Can someone please explain (or tell me where to find) the waif, witch, etc. descriptions? I'm so amazed seeing these posts! I just found out about 3-4 months ago that I'm NOT some heartless freak who can't make my mom happy... but that she has BP! It is a relief in one sense and a terror in another (as I learn more about how few of these folks ever get help - but I guess that makes sense because nothing is EVER her fault and someone else is ALWAYS to blame so why would she need help? UGH!) 's sentence " wondering if you are just at terrible person who doesn't support your poor depressed mother who has given you everything (her words) and never had help from anyone (her words) and worked her life for everything she ever got with no help from anybody (her words) " sounds EXACTLY like my mom!! Wow! Who knew she had so many duplicates out there! > >> > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > >> > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > >> > mother's > >> > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other people > >> > may > >> > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > >> > that my > >> > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > >> > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter and > >> > often > >> > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that pedestal > >> > when > >> > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has never > >> > been > >> > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment about 5 > >> > or 6 > >> > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > >> > behaviors > >> > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after a > >> > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found myself > >> > here. > >> > > > >> > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 I LOVE the name Cuddle! I want to hug you. Welcome. And MSMJ, its from a book called Understanding the Borderline Mother > > > Hi! I'm new here and trying to learn the lingo. Can someone please explain > (or tell me where to find) the waif, witch, etc. descriptions? I'm so amazed > seeing these posts! I just found out about 3-4 months ago that I'm NOT some > heartless freak who can't make my mom happy... but that she has BP! It is a > relief in one sense and a terror in another (as I learn more about how few > of these folks ever get help - but I guess that makes sense because nothing > is EVER her fault and someone else is ALWAYS to blame so why would she need > help? UGH!) > > 's sentence " wondering if you are just at terrible person who doesn't > support your poor depressed mother who has given you everything (her words) > and never had help from anyone (her words) and worked her life for > everything she ever got with no help from anybody (her words) " sounds > EXACTLY like my mom!! Wow! Who knew she had so many duplicates out there! > > > > >> > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > Hi there, I am also new to this group and have been completely > > >> > overwhelmed by the stories posted. I used to feel so isolated by my > > >> > mother's > > >> > mood swings and violent rages; it's comforting to know that other > people > > >> > may > > >> > understand what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster. I would say > > >> > that my > > >> > own mother has many similar traits to your mother, but her bouts are > > >> > interspersed with episodes of adoring me. She's a classic splitter > and > > >> > often > > >> > sees me as practically perfect. It's a vicious fall from that > pedestal > > >> > when > > >> > her mood swings and I become a selfish, loathsome wench who has > never > > >> > been > > >> > good for anything. I'm 30 years old and only had my a-ha moment > about 5 > > >> > or 6 > > >> > years ago when MY therapist suggested that my mother showed many > > >> > behaviors > > >> > consistent with BPD. When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD after > a > > >> > particularly bad rage, I started reading up and ultimately found > myself > > >> > here. > > >> > > > > >> > > So hello Gail, and others, it's nice to meet you all > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 I LOVE the name Cuddle! I want to hug you. Welcome Girlscout, Thanks for the welcome.. and hugs to you! Cuddle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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