Question....

[Guest guest]

Do you think BPD's who have children can ever be safe with them alone?

[Guest guest]

Maybe, in rare occasions. My dad was sometimes alright. There were periods

when he wasn't tense, and when he wasn't out and out Mr Hyde. Very rare, but

sometimes he was decent.

But you never know when BPDs are normal.

Perhaps with closed circuit cameras with sound equipped, so that when they

start acting up, other people can rush in and keep the BPD person at bay to

protect the children.

Idk.

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> Do you think BPD's who have children can ever be safe with them alone?

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[Guest guest]

I guess it depends on what you mean by " safe " . My stepmom never once beat me,

and I was never really neglected, but she was constantly belittling me. And,

because she was " normal " in the outside world, no one would have believed that I

was going through the things that I had.  I can only speak from my experience,

but I hope that helps.

Janet

Â

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: wtoadultchildren1

Sent: Wed, March 16, 2011 2:59:29 PM

Subject: Question....

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Do you think BPD's who have children can ever be safe with them alone?

[Guest guest]

I think it depends on the degree of dsyfunction.

There are bpd " lite " types who realize there's something wrong with them and go

into therapy to learn how to self-soothe, self-regulate and modify their

acting-out behaviors, but the bpds who are more true-to-type RE personality

disorder refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with them and refuse to

go into therapy. These are the ones who feel entitled and justified in acting

out at their kids.

I think children are in the most danger from high-functioning bpd/hpd/npd/aspd

mothers who can appear to be just charming and normal to the outside world but

save up their rage and frustration to take it out on their child behind the

privacy of closed doors.

Sister and I were fine as long as other people were around, nada treated us well

in front of other people. She moderated her rages when dad was around, also.

Being alone with nada: THAT's when we were in the worst danger of severe,

traumatizing abuse.

-Annie

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[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I'm just ruminating in my head about it all

today. My mother was somewhat normal to outside people, but people still made

comments about her 'always having issues' when she died. I'm not sure how

hidden it all was.

Re: Question....

I think it depends on the degree of dsyfunction.

There are bpd " lite " types who realize there's something wrong with them and go

into therapy to learn how to self-soothe, self-regulate and modify their

acting-out behaviors, but the bpds who are more true-to-type RE personality

disorder refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with them and refuse to

go into therapy. These are the ones who feel entitled and justified in acting

out at their kids.

I think children are in the most danger from high-functioning bpd/hpd/npd/aspd

mothers who can appear to be just charming and normal to the outside world but

save up their rage and frustration to take it out on their child behind the

privacy of closed doors.

Sister and I were fine as long as other people were around, nada treated us well

in front of other people. She moderated her rages when dad was around, also.

Being alone with nada: THAT's when we were in the worst danger of severe,

traumatizing abuse.

-Annie

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> Do you think BPD's who have children can ever be safe with them alone?

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[Guest guest]

I think it depends on how you define " safe " , on the level of

symptoms the BPD parent has, on the age of the child, on how

much other oversight of the situation takes place, and on how

much support the child gets from other sources.

Some of them do things that physically endanger their children,

some don't. Obviously, the ones who do things like hit their

children, take them in the car while drunk, or otherwise engage

in risky behavior aren't safe for a child to be with. Many of

them aren't that obviously dangerous though.

That leaves emotional/mental abuse to be considered. I don't

think that it is good for any child's mental health to be

subjected to the bewildering emotional craziness of a parent

with BPD. Everybody can and does deal with some amount of

craziness from people around them though, so a child who is

getting plenty of support from other sane adults might not end

up being damaged by time alone with a BPD parent in small doses.

For the most part, I don't think it is desirable for children to

ever be left alone with someone with BPD, at least not until

they're old enough to understand what is going on and how to

protect themselves.

At 03:59 PM 03/16/2011 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Do you think BPD's who have children can ever be safe with them

>alone?

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--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'd say it depends on whether they know they have a problem and have taken steps

to manage it. As long as they believe that the pain/rage they feel must be

expressed to whoever they *perceived* caused it, even if a child, they are

unsafe. If they don't understand that their perception itself of who caused

what and their feelings is all messed up - they aren't safe.

julie

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[Guest guest]

I have answered this or a similar question on the board here a number of

times. Based on 18 years living with a nada, 53 years of having a nada

mother before her death, 46 years of dysfunction, 6 years of therapy,

depression so deep it nearly swamped my little boat several times, here

is my unchanging and unqualified answer.

Never, not ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, should any

borderline be left alone or out of sight and hearing of a mature,

responsible adult, who is aware of what and who the BP adult is, with

any child , at any time.

If I may be so blunt, it does not take them long at all to accomplish a

mind F**k on a 10 year old kid. And they will always be true to thier

nature.

There is an old joke. A Christian was running from a lion in the

coloseum. The lions hot breath was on his neck and he knew he would be

caught any moment. So he dropped to his knees and cried out " Lord, make

this lion a Christian! " Whereupon the lion dropped to his knees and

said, " Lord, for what we are about to recieve , make us truly

grateful. "

So, for what it s worth, there s my vote.

Never. Ever. Under any circumstances.

Doug

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[Guest guest]

Qualification: Never , unless the BP is admitting their problem, and

resonding to treatment, and the family is involved in family therapy

and has a pulse on the changes in them.

Most never get to that point.

Doug

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[Guest guest]

Annie You wrote:

" I think children are in the most danger from high-functioning bpd/hpd/npd/aspd

mothers who can appear to be just charming and normal to the outside world but

save up their rage and frustration to take it out on their child behind the

privacy of closed doors. "

I absolutely agree. I had a high functioning nada. In the past

several years I have realized she probably had one affair after

another while my dad was out of town on business. YUK.

And I know who with. ewwwww

She hid everything well though. I suspect she has been a closet

alcoholic too, but that's a hunch. I think no child is safe with

a BPD period. Nada went through times it was raging, to times

it seemed to be in control. It depended upon how many OTHER people

were around and how often. Children need STABILITY and NURTURING

parents. Children require predictability in parents so they can

grow and develop normally. They need parents they can model after.

They require unconditional love to feel safe and not grow up with

muscle jerks that later lead to fibro and IBS stomachs. Children

require non BPD parents. Period. They don't need to develop hyper-

sensitive senses of smell, sight, hearing, to survive...and they

don't need a parent to take their temper out on them beating and

slapping them around because it makes the bpd feel powerful.

Children don't need parents with personality disorders. Ever.

In today's world a teacher would have had me in a psych's office

being evaluated for abuse...a court would have jerked me out of

that home and put in foster care...and she would have had to go

for treatment to get me back. Back when I grew up, if you didn't

have glaring bruises they just figured you were backwards.

In reality, I was abused, and my brothers also. Nobody, including

family, came to our rescue. We just existed until our Dad came

home from another trip and made our world better.

You have to get a license to go fishing or hunting.

Why not require one to become a parent?

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