New here: Just found out that I'm adult child of BP mom...

[Guest guest]

I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of the

tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why she

was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew what it

was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion and

disappointment.

I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult life

and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even from other

states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the worse it has

gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling and my father who

both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a horrible person for not

coddling her, etc.)

After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year we

were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing up

starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did " and

that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester of my

pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think your

mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to read

about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING

that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was

elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will

ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we (hubby

and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of her) and

brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing - BP) step in and

create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts in an

uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our son is old enough to be

more greatly affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least once a

week (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad and bro

about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call, I'm playing

into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over and over. If I don't,

then it escalates with more messages from those two about how her health is

failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her death bed,

BTW) and how I'm not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective and I'm

ungrateful and I should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then push for

visits with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when my husband

isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside her family

so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional blackmail if he is

there).

Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive but

sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly because of

her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I was alone.

Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like this... Are you out

there??

Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

[Guest guest]

Hugs and welcome. I think the trick is, you stick to your boundaries and if

she dies from the depression, so be it. The boundaries stand. Congrats on

your new addition and on your counseling too!

>

>

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of

> the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

> name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

> wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why

> she was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew

> what it was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion

> and disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult

> life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even

> from other states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the

> worse it has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling

> and my father who both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a

> horrible person for not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

> struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year

> we were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing

> up starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did "

> and that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester

> of my pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think

> your mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to

> read about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this

> THING that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years!

> I was elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that

> she will ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it

> is ALWAYS someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we

> (hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of

> her) and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing -

> BP) step in and create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping,

> in tears, guts in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our

> son is old enough to be more greatly affected by her! For example, if I

> don't call her at least once a week (her unofficial mandate), then I get

> e-mails and messages from dad and bro about how depressed she is because I

> haven't called. If I then call, I'm playing into her passive-aggressive

> power game and it repeats over and over. If I don't, then it escalates with

> more messages from those two about how her health is failing (her health is

> ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her death bed, BTW) and how I'm

> not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective and I'm ungrateful and

> I should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then push for visits with

> this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when my husband isn't

> home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside her family

> so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional blackmail if he

> is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive

> but sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly

> because of her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I

> was alone. Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like

> this... Are you out there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, hon, it's time to put your own new family first and let your mom (and

brother, and dad) stew in their own juices. This is both the perfect

opportunity - and the most important reason - to call it quits with your mother.

She'll either follow your rules and respect your boundaries, or you cut off

contact. Being " NC " (no contact) with her will give you time to re-evaluate all

the garbage she planted in your brain, and to feel the freedom and relief of

days at a time without her criticism, whining, and lunatic demands.

Just think - you have a new baby with health issues, Mom has the flu, and she

has the unmitigated gall to give you a hard time because you won't let her

spread her germs to your infant? That in itself is sufficient reason to

withdraw all contact. What kind of selfish, immature fool demands to have

contact with a baby when she has the flu? (A Nada, that's who.)

No apologies, no retreat, no surrender. Dad will either grow a spine and have a

relationship with you, or he won't. You and your husband are going to have

plenty to do with that little boy - you don't need your crazy FOO (family of

origin) any more. Let 'em go.

[Guest guest]

I'm new on this forum.My mother-in-law has been very difficult towards since we

got married 20 years ago. Anyone else have difficulty with a mother-in-law?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, March 17, 2011 11:28:52 PM

Subject: Re: New here: Just found out that I'm adult child

of BP mom...

Oh, hon, it's time to put your own new family first and let your mom (and

brother, and dad) stew in their own juices. This is both the perfect

opportunity - and the most important reason - to call it quits with your mother.

She'll either follow your rules and respect your boundaries, or you cut off

contact. Being " NC " (no contact) with her will give you time to re-evaluate all

the garbage she planted in your brain, and to feel the freedom and relief of

days at a time without her criticism, whining, and lunatic demands.

Just think - you have a new baby with health issues, Mom has the flu, and she

has the unmitigated gall to give you a hard time because you won't let her

spread her germs to your infant? That in itself is sufficient reason to

withdraw all contact. What kind of selfish, immature fool demands to have

contact with a baby when she has the flu? (A Nada, that's who.)

No apologies, no retreat, no surrender. Dad will either grow a spine and have a

relationship with you, or he won't. You and your husband are going to have

plenty to do with that little boy - you don't need your crazy FOO (family of

origin) any more. Let 'em go.

[Guest guest]

Have you thought of telling your mother (and brother and father) that you need a

temporary separation, maybe 6 months? That might give you some peace and allow

you time to better evaluate the relationship.

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of

the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why she

was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew what it

was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion and

disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult

life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even from

other states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the worse it

has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling and my father

who both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a horrible person for

not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year we

were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing up

starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did " and

that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester of my

pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think your

mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to read

about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING

that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was

elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will

ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we

(hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of her)

and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing - BP) step in

and create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts

in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our son is old enough

to be more greatly affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least

once a week (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad

and bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call, I'm

playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over and over. If

I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those two about how her

health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her

death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective

and I'm ungrateful and I should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then

push for visits with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when

my husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside

her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional

blackmail if he is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive but

sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly because of

her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I was alone.

Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like this... Are you out

there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I feel for ya, hon. I've had to cut off contact with pretty much my entire

family thanks to nada. My sister has been sucked in, too and has become almost

as dysfunctional as she is. I'm torn up about it, especially since I'm getting

married in 2 months, but I cannot live that way anymore. It's no way to live. As

sad as it is to not have a family of orgin, it beats the stress and terror that

goes along with having nada in my life. If you start to feel crazy and that your

reality is not real anymore, I'm here. I've been struggling with the same

myself, but I know I am doing the right thing. There's no reason to go down with

a sinking ship. It will only hurt you and your new family...

>

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of

the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why she

was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew what it

was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion and

disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult

life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even from

other states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the worse it

has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling and my father

who both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a horrible person for

not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year we

were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing up

starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did " and

that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester of my

pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think your

mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to read

about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING

that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was

elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will

ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we

(hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of her)

and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing - BP) step in

and create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts

in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our son is old enough

to be more greatly affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least

once a week (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad

and bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call, I'm

playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over and over. If

I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those two about how her

health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her

death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective

and I'm ungrateful and I should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then

push for visits with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when

my husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside

her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional

blackmail if he is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive but

sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly because of

her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I was alone.

Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like this... Are you out

there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs to you!! I am about half way through the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. I

would reccommend it-lots of good advice.

>

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of

the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why she

was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew what it

was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion and

disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult

life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even from

other states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the worse it

has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling and my father

who both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a horrible person for

not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year we

were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing up

starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did " and

that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester of my

pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think your

mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to read

about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING

that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was

elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will

ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we

(hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of her)

and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing - BP) step in

and create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts

in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our son is old enough

to be more greatly affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least

once a week (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad

and bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call, I'm

playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over and over. If

I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those two about how her

health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her

death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective

and I'm ungrateful and I should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then

push for visits with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when

my husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside

her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional

blackmail if he is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive but

sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly because of

her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I was alone.

Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like this... Are you out

there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

[Guest guest]

I ll respond at more length to your post later, but I m about to head

out to work now. But just breifly,

Families of origen, who have not decided to be healthy, and who are

comfortable with the choice to knuckle under to a BP can be a real pain

when you try to stand up. Short answer is that you treat it like a

disease. If others insist on being exposed to the infection, you must

isolate them as well as patient zero. A cruel reality is that a BP mom

will often cost you either yourself, which is what has been happening,

or the rest of your FOO ( family of origen. ) if you wish to become a "

Real Rabbit " .

Try going to BPDcentral.com and you ll find a wealth of resources for

beginning to deal with this.

Suggested reading

Stop Walking on Eggshells

Boundaries

Safe People

More later, off to work.

You are ok. You are not a cruel, ungrateful daughter who just doesnt

appreciate what mom did for you, and only thinks of yourself.

You didnt know we heard that conversation , did you? But we did, only

from OUR moms, not from yours.

You are with family now.

Doug

>

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life

because of the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing

up... and the name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories,

etc., etc. I always wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could

never please my mother, why she was so distant, why she favored my

brother so much, etc. and never knew what it was. In a nutshell, it was

a difficult childhood full of confusion and disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my

adult life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me

- even from other states! The more I have tried to take control of my

own life, the worse it has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then

with my sibling and my father who both " take her side " and further make

me feel like I'm a horrible person for not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We

then struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened

last year we were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I

was growing up starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I

act like she did " and that sort of thing. So, I started counseling

during the third trimester of my pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED

when the counselor said, " I think your mother has borderline personality

disorder " and gave me some things to read about it. OMG so much of it

FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING that has (through my

mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was elated and

worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will ever

seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time

we (hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's

terrified of her) and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have

the same thing - BP) step in and create so much havoc that I wind up

stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want

resolution to this before our son is old enough to be more greatly

affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least once a week

(her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad and

bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call,

I'm playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over

and over. If I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those

two about how her health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and

she is ALWAYS almost on her death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being

nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective and I'm ungrateful and I

should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then push for visits

with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when my

husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others

outside her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much

emotional blackmail if he is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is

supportive but sick of the drama she creates and my stress which

escalates regularly because of her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a

name and always thought I was alone. Would LOVE to hear from other adult

children of parents like this... Are you out there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I understand the stress you are under and I am so sorry you have to deal

with this. I am fairly new here so I don't have specific advice for you. I

can give you my experience.

My nada also insisted on regular contact. She would do the whole " you're

causing my depression " and threats of suicide to get me to comply. When I

married and had children she demanded privileges with my daughter (I now

have two but she has never met the second) but refused any responsibility.

I tried for just over a year to have a relationship develop (a healthy one)

between grandma and grandchild. She undermined me constantly and refused to

respect boundaries. Sometimes she would rage, sometimes cry, and sometimes

just do as she wishes against my rules. My husband and I have problems but

in this aspect he was always mostly supportive-leaving the decision to me

since she is my nada but drawing the line if harm would be immanent.

After many compromises and heated discussions on the role of grandma that

were ignored I went NC with nada. I attempted to keep the FOO in my life

but some of them have decided to side with nada so they are NC(no contact)

too. I came to the decision when I realised that emotional harm would come

to my daughter from this exposure. One FOO member has tried to use the

you're going to hell for not honoring thy mother (with horrific descriptions

of what hell is like) to manipulate me into contact. I would never want my

daughter to hear such awful descriptions.

It has been hard and emotional but after a year of NC it is better. I

cannot say if NC is right for your situation or not but consider how your

FOO will act with and towards a child and above all else protect the

innocent and beautiful baby.

One other note. In my case my In-laws have become a substitute FOO for me.

BB

>

>

>

> I ll respond at more length to your post later, but I m about to head

> out to work now. But just breifly,

>

> Families of origen, who have not decided to be healthy, and who are

> comfortable with the choice to knuckle under to a BP can be a real pain

> when you try to stand up. Short answer is that you treat it like a

> disease. If others insist on being exposed to the infection, you must

> isolate them as well as patient zero. A cruel reality is that a BP mom

> will often cost you either yourself, which is what has been happening,

> or the rest of your FOO ( family of origen. ) if you wish to become a "

> Real Rabbit " .

>

> Try going to BPDcentral.com and you ll find a wealth of resources for

> beginning to deal with this.

>

> Suggested reading

>

> Stop Walking on Eggshells

>

> Boundaries

>

> Safe People

>

> More later, off to work.

>

> You are ok. You are not a cruel, ungrateful daughter who just doesnt

> appreciate what mom did for you, and only thinks of yourself.

>

> You didnt know we heard that conversation , did you? But we did, only

> from OUR moms, not from yours.

>

> You are with family now.

>

> Doug

>

>

>

> >

> > I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life

> because of the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing

> up... and the name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories,

> etc., etc. I always wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could

> never please my mother, why she was so distant, why she favored my

> brother so much, etc. and never knew what it was. In a nutshell, it was

> a difficult childhood full of confusion and disappointment.

> >

> > I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my

> adult life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me

> - even from other states! The more I have tried to take control of my

> own life, the worse it has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then

> with my sibling and my father who both " take her side " and further make

> me feel like I'm a horrible person for not coddling her, etc.)

> >

> > After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We

> then struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened

> last year we were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I

> was growing up starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I

> act like she did " and that sort of thing. So, I started counseling

> during the third trimester of my pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED

> when the counselor said, " I think your mother has borderline personality

> disorder " and gave me some things to read about it. OMG so much of it

> FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING that has (through my

> mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was elated and

> worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will ever

> seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

> someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

> >

> > Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time

> we (hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's

> terrified of her) and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have

> the same thing - BP) step in and create so much havoc that I wind up

> stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want

> resolution to this before our son is old enough to be more greatly

> affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least once a week

> (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad and

> bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call,

> I'm playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over

> and over. If I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those

> two about how her health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and

> she is ALWAYS almost on her death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being

> nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective and I'm ungrateful and I

> should REALLY call her! After the call, she will then push for visits

> with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when my

> husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others

> outside her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much

> emotional blackmail if he is there).

> >

> > Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is

> supportive but sick of the drama she creates and my stress which

> escalates regularly because of her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a

> name and always thought I was alone. Would LOVE to hear from other adult

> children of parents like this... Are you out there??

> >

> > Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You may as well have just told my story! Our paths appear to be very similar,

except that I have no children. Our nadas sound like they could be friends

even! I can tell you that my husband was more or less a blessing from god who

helped me gain perspective outside BPD land. He was my first indication that,

though I live in insanity, I am NOT insane. I am in full contact with my nada,

unfortunately we live next door to each other (which is a situation I'm in the

process of trying to rectify). And over the years I have become better at

managing the relationship and taking care of myself, but it is a FULL TIME job.

And as I said, I have no children. I haven't (seriously) considered going LC or

NC with my nada (recently). But if I DID have kids, and I thought there was

even a remote chance that she could do to them what she did to me, NC would look

a helluva lot more appealing. I agree with the advice that you need to

prioritize your new family. You can give your kids what you didn't have. And,

in my opinion, that restores some balance in the universe.

[Guest guest]

On the mother in law, yes yes yes yes, I am now divorced because she was

extremly abusive and my ex husband never stood up for me. 8 years ago on

March 7. I went NC with my own nada very shortly after I filed for divorce.

>

>

> You may as well have just told my story! Our paths appear to be very

> similar, except that I have no children. Our nadas sound like they could be

> friends even! I can tell you that my husband was more or less a blessing

> from god who helped me gain perspective outside BPD land. He was my first

> indication that, though I live in insanity, I am NOT insane. I am in full

> contact with my nada, unfortunately we live next door to each other (which

> is a situation I'm in the process of trying to rectify). And over the years

> I have become better at managing the relationship and taking care of myself,

> but it is a FULL TIME job.

>

> And as I said, I have no children. I haven't (seriously) considered going

> LC or NC with my nada (recently). But if I DID have kids, and I thought

> there was even a remote chance that she could do to them what she did to me,

> NC would look a helluva lot more appealing. I agree with the advice that you

> need to prioritize your new family. You can give your kids what you didn't

> have. And, in my opinion, that restores some balance in the universe.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, although I am sure you wish you didn't need to be here!

Remember, in Normalville, sometimes known as Sane Town, a person doesn't get

depressed if you don't call them for a week.

Sure, they might feel sad because they miss you, but - gasp - they pick up the

phone and call ya! How ya doing? What's up?

But of course not the borderline mother.

Sent from my blueberry.

> I have struggled with confidence and security issues all my life because of

the tumultuous emotions in the household as I was growing up... and the

name-calling, breaking of trust, inconsistent stories, etc., etc. I always

wondered what was wrong with ME and why I could never please my mother, why she

was so distant, why she favored my brother so much, etc. and never knew what it

was. In a nutshell, it was a difficult childhood full of confusion and

disappointment.

>

> I have also struggled to have a relationship with my mother during my adult

life and, sadly, she has still maintained a lot of control over me - even from

other states! The more I have tried to take control of my own life, the worse it

has gotten (if not directly with my mother, then with my sibling and my father

who both " take her side " and further make me feel like I'm a horrible person for

not coddling her, etc.)

>

> After many years and much work on myself, I met a wonderful man. We then

struggled to start a family of our own. When that finally happened last year we

were elated! However, thoughts about stuff with my mom as I was growing up

starting to haunt me - I was terrified about " what if I act like she did " and

that sort of thing. So, I started counseling during the third trimester of my

pregnancy (late 2010). I was SHOCKED when the counselor said, " I think your

mother has borderline personality disorder " and gave me some things to read

about it. OMG so much of it FIT! It wasn't ME! There is a NAME for this THING

that has (through my mom) threatened to destroy me for so many years! I was

elated and worried all at once... now I know how UNlikely it is that she will

ever seek help (esp. since one of her staples to live by is how it is ALWAYS

someone else's fault and NEVER her fault!)

>

> Anyway... new here and really floundering about what to do. Every time we

(hubby and I) try to set down boundaries, my dad (I think he's terrified of her)

and brother (who sometimes seems like he might have the same thing - BP) step in

and create so much havoc that I wind up stressed, not sleeping, in tears, guts

in an uproar, etc. I SOOO want resolution to this before our son is old enough

to be more greatly affected by her! For example, if I don't call her at least

once a week (her unofficial mandate), then I get e-mails and messages from dad

and bro about how depressed she is because I haven't called. If I then call, I'm

playing into her passive-aggressive power game and it repeats over and over. If

I don't, then it escalates with more messages from those two about how her

health is failing (her health is ALWAYS failing and she is ALWAYS almost on her

death bed, BTW) and how I'm not being nice/kind/considerate/some other adjective

and I'm ungrateful and I should REALLY cal l her! After the call, she will then

push for visits with this same pattern. After that, she pushes for visits when

my husband isn't home (she is on her best behavior around him and others outside

her family so she can't/won't say cruel things and do as much emotional

blackmail if he is there).

>

> Anyway - I feel very alone in dealing with all this. Hubby is supportive but

sick of the drama she creates and my stress which escalates regularly because of

her. I never knew this thing (BP) had a name and always thought I was alone.

Would LOVE to hear from other adult children of parents like this... Are you out

there??

>

> Me: female, oldest child, almost 40, now married with baby.

>

>