Guest guest Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Hi all, I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Hi welcome! Wow you have been through the ringer. Stick to your boundaries forever!!! Don't give in. And you must meet her therapist and see if she is full of it. In the meantime, do you have a T of your own? Good job on the letter, now enforce it. You will probably end up going NC with the flying monkeys as well as the nada in the end, it will be for the best even though its sad. Hugs, Girlscout > > > Hi all, > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you > sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and > am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's > even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I > was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. > She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my > dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She > scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out > of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am > STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father > passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really > had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an > email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not > bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and > in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt > she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the > frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she > became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday > night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was > pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to > just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive > emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't > an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. > Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her > dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I > didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one > could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to > wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and > left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the > police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough > to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of > the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new > car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. > She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for > being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was > newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I > decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it > small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity > would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd > get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have > my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for > my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the > day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to > most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my > ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile > she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's > mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one > point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to > live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't > sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm > me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to > trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " > letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we > had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending > the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her > kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not > one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure > hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off > next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter > from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until > she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy > relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but > always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't > allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. > It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and > that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she > cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary > of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I > agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I > wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message > I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if > we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the > meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer > stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her > reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said > that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend > things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of > a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I > feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would LOVE to meet her therapist, but she refuses to tell me who she is or let me interact with her! I do have a therapist of my own that I have seen off and on since I was 18 years old. Honestly, if it weren't for her, I don't know what kind of person I would be. I am so thankful everyday that I had an eating disorder and was able to find my way to a therapist! While my therapist has been great, it's been hard because nobody else in my life can even to relate to what I'm dealing with. In fact, I get the feeling that some of my friends are flabergaster that I'm not inviting my own mother to my wedding. I realize they can't even begin to " get it, " but it's still hard. I'm hoping the stories I read here will remind me that I'm not the crazy one! > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you > > sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and > > am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's > > even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I > > was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. > > She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my > > dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She > > scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out > > of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am > > STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father > > passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really > > had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an > > email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not > > bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and > > in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt > > she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the > > frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she > > became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday > > night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was > > pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to > > just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive > > emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't > > an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. > > Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her > > dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I > > didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one > > could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to > > wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and > > left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the > > police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough > > to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of > > the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new > > car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. > > She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for > > being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was > > newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I > > decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it > > small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity > > would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd > > get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have > > my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for > > my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the > > day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to > > most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my > > ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile > > she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's > > mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one > > point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to > > live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't > > sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm > > me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to > > trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " > > letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we > > had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending > > the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her > > kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not > > one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure > > hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off > > next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter > > from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until > > she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy > > relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but > > always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't > > allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. > > It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and > > that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she > > cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary > > of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I > > agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I > > wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message > > I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if > > we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the > > meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer > > stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her > > reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said > > that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend > > things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of > > a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I > > feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Welcome to you and the other new folks. You've found a bunch of other people who know exactly what you are going through. My advice is to stick to your guns. Your nada ( " not a mom " ) is hostile toward you and has been actively threatening to harm you. She is rightfully very nervous about having a joint therapy session with you because she knows that the threats she's made to you are grossly inappropriate, wrong, and even criminal. She wants to get you alone with her so she can manipulate and coerce you into giving her back control over you, probably by using guilt, obligation and fear tactics. aka " FOG. " I think you are handling this situation very well. Your nada is used to having control over you and now that you are setting normal, reasonable adult boundaries she is having a tantrum. Don't give your control back. You have the right to have a separate, adult, joyful existence and you have the right to be respected as an adult. Nobody has the right to threaten you the way your nada has, that's just not OK, period, end of sentence. You have the right to protect yourself from such abuse. Sometimes dysfunctional families are like mini-cults. The dominant spouse is like the cult leader and the subservient spouse and the kids are like the cult followers. It takes a great deal of courage to break free of this " cult " like family dynamic, but it sounds like you're doing it. Kudos to you! We're behind you, and giving you our emotional support. -Annie > > Hi all, > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Your not the crazy one, and more and more I think that those friends who are flying monkeys (telling you to invite nada) probably have a ton of issues of their own with their own mothers. > > > I would LOVE to meet her therapist, but she refuses to tell me who she is > or let me interact with her! I do have a therapist of my own that I have > seen off and on since I was 18 years old. Honestly, if it weren't for her, I > don't know what kind of person I would be. I am so thankful everyday that I > had an eating disorder and was able to find my way to a therapist! While my > therapist has been great, it's been hard because nobody else in my life can > even to relate to what I'm dealing with. In fact, I get the feeling that > some of my friends are flabergaster that I'm not inviting my own mother to > my wedding. I realize they can't even begin to " get it, " but it's still > hard. I'm hoping the stories I read here will remind me that I'm not the > crazy one! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of > you > > > sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice > and > > > am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if > that's > > > even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 > that I > > > was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with > her. > > > She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick > my > > > dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him > leave. She > > > scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit > out > > > of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I > am > > > STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my > father > > > passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad > really > > > had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an > > > email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not > > > bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s > and > > > in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd > felt > > > she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that > the > > > frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, > she > > > became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one > Friday > > > night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was > > > pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided > to > > > just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive > aggressive > > > emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there > wasn't > > > an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., > etc. > > > Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her > > > dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry > I > > > didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no > one > > > could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough > to > > > wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She > emailed and > > > left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call > the > > > police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice > enough > > > to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle > of > > > the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a > new > > > car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more > mad. > > > She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired > for > > > being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I > was > > > newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance > and I > > > decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep > it > > > small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the > humidity > > > would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how > she'd > > > get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to > have > > > my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters > for > > > my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for > the > > > day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails > to > > > most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my > > > ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the > meanwhile > > > she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's > > > mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At > one > > > point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved > to > > > live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I > couldn't > > > sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically > harm > > > me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email > others to > > > trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and > desist " > > > letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said > we > > > had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since > sending > > > the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of > her > > > kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and > not > > > one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been > pure > > > hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her > off > > > next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my > letter > > > from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her > until > > > she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a > healthy > > > relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, > but > > > always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but > won't > > > allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists > communicate. > > > It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went > out and > > > that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she > > > cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my > boundary > > > of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said > if I > > > agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. > I > > > wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what > message > > > I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner > if > > > we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the > > > meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer > > > stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and > " murder " her > > > reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and > said > > > that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we > mend > > > things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the > help of > > > a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. > I > > > feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Here's my advice. Make your wedding about you and don't let anyone ruin it. It is your day, your life, and all that matters is what you want the day to be. And don't worry about being judged for not inviting your mom, if people don't understand, there is nothing you can do about it and you don't have to justify your decision. It's not your mom's day or your sister's, it's yours. I am very sorry that your mom and all her flying monkeys are doing this to you. Stand by your boundaries. The fact that you are even willing to go to a therapist with your mom shows that you are willing to go well beyond the call of duty; this is her sickness, her problem! Gail > Hi all, > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks for the replies! I don't know if anyone is spiritual/religious, but this strikes a chord with me... With my present situation, I've been praying like mad for a sign from God to let me know what to do. I saw a pastor for the first time today to get her perspective, full well expecting to hear " turn the other cheek " as her advice. Surprisingly, 2 of you today have said " stick to your guns, " and when I told the pastor the cliff notes version of my sad tale, she said the exact same phrase, " stick to your guns. " To me, that was the sign I was looking for. It made me feel a bit better in what I'm trying to do despite the adversity I'm facing... Just to give you all an added laugh, while I was emailing with nada today, she said I needed to apologize for " lying " and saying that I went to a lawyer because I was afraid for my safety. I assured her that I was indeed afraid for both my physical and mental well being. She responded by telling me that I wasn't really afraid, but that that was what my best friend had implanted in my head and not what I really felt. Ha! She went on to say that she should be the one to be afraid of me hurting her because I'm after all of the money I'd inherit from her. Really?! She can take her money and be buried with it for all I care! All I've ever wanted from her is a loving mother-daughter relationship, but at some point I need to check in with reality and realize that that's NEVER going to happen. I hate it, but sitting around and hoping for a change is just hurting me all the more. She's lost her marbles! > > Hi all, > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Wow, if someone said that to me, I would most definitely stop e-mailing them! > > > Thanks for the replies! I don't know if anyone is spiritual/religious, but > this strikes a chord with me... With my present situation, I've been praying > like mad for a sign from God to let me know what to do. I saw a pastor for > the first time today to get her perspective, full well expecting to hear > " turn the other cheek " as her advice. Surprisingly, 2 of you today have said > " stick to your guns, " and when I told the pastor the cliff notes version of > my sad tale, she said the exact same phrase, " stick to your guns. " To me, > that was the sign I was looking for. It made me feel a bit better in what > I'm trying to do despite the adversity I'm facing... Just to give you all an > added laugh, while I was emailing with nada today, she said I needed to > apologize for " lying " and saying that I went to a lawyer because I was > afraid for my safety. I assured her that I was indeed afraid for both my > physical and mental well being. She responded by telling me that I wasn't > really afraid, but that that was what my best friend had implanted in my > head and not what I really felt. Ha! She went on to say that she should be > the one to be afraid of me hurting her because I'm after all of the money > I'd inherit from her. Really?! She can take her money and be buried with it > for all I care! All I've ever wanted from her is a loving mother-daughter > relationship, but at some point I need to check in with reality and realize > that that's NEVER going to happen. I hate it, but sitting around and hoping > for a change is just hurting me all the more. She's lost her marbles! > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > I am so relieved to find a group of siblings out there, since most of you > sound like you grew up in the same household as me. I need some advice and > am very open to opinions. Let me try to give you the short version if that's > even possible. I don't really remember a time prior to the age of 10 that I > was not completely cognizant that my mother had something wrong with her. > She'd fly into fits of rage that usually ended up in her trying to kick my > dad out of the house while also barring the door from letting him leave. She > scream, hit, spit, throw things; i.e., she scared the ever living shit out > of me as a child and, sadly, I have to admit that at 31 years of age I am > STILL scared of my nada. Well, things really came to a head after my father > passed in November 2009. It was then I realized what a buffer my dad really > had been for so many years. It was about once a month I'd wake up to an > email from her telling me that I was abusing my widowed mother by not > bringing her food or caring if she ate (mind you, she's in her mid 50s and > in premier health). After that, she'd continue tantruming until she'd felt > she'd ripped my sister and me up enough to feel better. I noticed that the > frequency of the outbursts increased as did the intensity. Last May, she > became angry because I did not have a chance to call her back one Friday > night. She had left a normal message on my voicemail. Since nothing was > pressing and I had to get up for work early the next morning, I decided to > just call her back the following day. I awoke to a few passive aggressive > emails about how I didn't call her back and it was a good thing there wasn't > an emergency because no one would be able to get a hold of me, etc., etc. > Well, at 6AM at work on a Saturday morning, I was in no mood for her > dramatic crap. I simply emailed back that I was really tired and sorry I > didn't email her back, but that it was ridiculous to insinuate that no one > could've reached me had there been an emergency. Well, that was enough to > wake the dragon. From there, things spiraled out of control. She emailed and > left non stop voice messages filled with rage. She threatened to call the > police to have my car repossessed, a vehicle my father had been nice enough > to buy for me shortly before he passed away because I was in the middle of > the divorce and unable to buy a new vehicle. So, what did I do? I got a new > car and returned her vehicle a few days later, which made her even more mad. > She threatened to get in touch with my boss and try to have me fired for > being crazy and such. It was awesome. Things went from bad to worse. I was > newly engaged at the time and starting to plan my wedding. My fiance and I > decided that we wanted to have a destination wedding in order to keep it > small and intimate. Nada immediately begin complaining that the humidity > would ruin her hair and melt off her make up and she was concerned how she'd > get a dress there. My sister stared complaining that I was choosing to have > my friends there over my family because she would not have babysitters for > my niece and nephew and basically did not want to put up with them for the > day. Things continued to spiral, culminating in nada sending out emails to > most of my family members, a couple of friends, and even contacting my > ex-husband to say the nastiest things imaginable about me. All the meanwhile > she continued to threated to get me fired, vowed to make it her life's > mission to ruin my life, said she hated me, and on, and on, and on. At one > point, I lie awake in bed one night and wondered if I really deserved to > live if I was even a tenth as horrible as she believed me to be. I couldn't > sleep, worried that she may show up at my house or try to physically harm > me. Once we reached 20 emails in a day and she continued to email others to > trash me, I went to a lawyer. He suggested we send her a " cease and desist " > letter to tell her to discontinue the slander and harrassment and said we > had nearly enough for a restraining order. That was last July. Since sending > the letter, my sister won't speak to me anymore and has cut me out of her > kids' lives. As well, my mother has turned my entire family against and not > one of them has even bothered to answer an email from me. It's been pure > hell, but also a relief not to live my life scared at what will set her off > next and how she'll punish me for it. So, here's my dilemma... In my letter > from the attorney, I said I did not want to resume contact with her until > she was willing to attend joint therapy with me to work on having a healthy > relationship. She has contacted me via email a few times since then, but > always refuses to go to therapy. She claims she has begun therapy but won't > allow me to talk with her therapist or have our 2 therapists communicate. > It's come to her attention recently that my wedding invitations went out and > that she is not on the guest list. She emailed to let me know that she > cannot believe I would shame her in such a way. I have stuck to my boundary > of attending therapy, but she said I needed to bend a little. She said if I > agreed to meeting her for a meal, that she would go to therapy with me. I > wasn't comfortable with this arrangement at all and wasn't sure what message > I was sending if I broke my boundary, but I said I would go to a dinner if > we already had a therapy session scheduled for a few days following the > meeting. Of course, this was not acceptable and se retracted the offer > stating that I only want to go to therapy to hurt her, lie, and " murder " her > reputation. My sister emailed to try to guilt me into backing down and said > that nada is just not comfortable to go to therapy with me until we mend > things, but my whole point is that we CAN'T mend things without the help of > a professional! I have wavered on whether I am being too hard or what. I > feel at the end of my rope and am not sure what to do... Please help!!! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 You absolutely must stand your ground! The only weapon you have against that kind of emotional (and potentially physical) abuse is to stay strong and maintain control over your own life! I've had similar issues with my friends not understanding my relationship with my nada, I'm the only child of a single lunatic, and it's a very small number of people who have known me for MANY years that have figured out what's going on. People in your life who give you grief for setting boundaries, no matter how harsh those boundaries may look to an outsider, are giving more fuel to your nada's fire. I smiled to myself when I read your post about talking to a minister. My issues with my nada led me first to therapy (by way of a nifty drug habit, that was fun) and then to the church. In confession with my priest I expected the same result that you did, and received the same reply. God, therapists, and your friends here agree- Stick to your guns, no matter what! Big hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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