Need help saying no -- again

[Guest guest]

To my brother, again.

He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer wants.

It's supposedly hardly used.

My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to turn it

down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and they

were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it up,

etc.

The fun began.

-My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

-My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other stuff

happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother visits my

mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother home, and then

bring the TV back to our place

-My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there was

something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he was

digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning at SIX

A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in, it's not

going to work. "

My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to deal

with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for doing

what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's his

birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking forward

to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr face on, and

why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all, he will do

his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him 'don't

talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore it all,

but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his puss on and

be all sad-sacky.

I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What I

wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal with it

without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Maybe you can just tell him that it's between him and your husband, and that you

don't want to be dragged into it.

> To my brother, again.

>

> He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

>

> My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

>

> Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to turn

it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and they

were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

>

> So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it

up, etc.

>

> The fun began.

>

> -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other stuff

happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother visits my

mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother home, and then

bring the TV back to our place

> -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there was

something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

>

> It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he was

digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

>

> Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning at

SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in, it's

not going to work. "

>

> My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

>

> my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

>

> It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to deal

with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for doing

what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

>

> OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's

his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking

forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr face

on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all, he

will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

>

> I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore

it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his

puss on and be all sad-sacky.

>

> I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What I

wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

>

> Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal with

it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

>

> It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think your husband did great. I wouln't take his TV either, esp under

those conditions.

Are you sure you want to keep the date to drop off the stuff? I'd either

cancel or take my husband with me and let them hash it out. It's their

confrontation - let them keep it. These feelings are between the 2 of them

and you can stand it. I have a really hard time feeling other people's

feelings too, and I have to say " I can stand it. " over and over and over

until I can talk to my T or my boyfriend about it. That's what I'd try in

this situation.

On Thu, Mar 17, 2011 at 5:28 PM, Fiona wrote:

>

>

> To my brother, again.

>

> He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

> wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

>

> My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

> Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

>

> Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to

> turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids

> and they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old

> and lame. Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing

> with my brother.

>

> So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it

> up, etc.

>

> The fun began.

>

> -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

> stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

> visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

> home, and then bring the TV back to our place

> -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there

> was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

> understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it

> had to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

>

> It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he

> was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

>

> Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning

> at SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in,

> it's not going to work. "

>

> My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

>

> my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

>

> It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to

> deal with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband

> for doing what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

>

> OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's

> his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking

> forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr

> face on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of

> all, he will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah

> blah

>

> I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

> 'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to

> ignore it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to

> have his puss on and be all sad-sacky.

>

> I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What

> I wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents

> and innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene

> says in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

>

> Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal

> with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

>

> It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

KO 101: DON'T SAY NUTHIN' AT ALL

As KO's we were/are raised to explain, to justify, to mend fences. That's what

we did for our BPD and people now expect it of us... and so do we. So... here's

a thought. STOP!

LOL.... NO means NO. No thank you means no thank you. Sorry it didn't work out

means sorry it didn't work out.

Period.

No long discussion. No big deal. It didn't work... Move on.

Even if brother can't/won't move on, YOU can! Just cause someone wants to drag

on an 'issue' - doesn't mean YOU have to. He can 'dance' solo,

thankyouverymuch.

The best part of getting healthy with your boundaries is setting them and

enforcing them for YOU... regardless if he wants to see them or not.

Don't dance.

Bring dinner, bring the cake if you want. Leave if you want. Don't feel

obligated to pacify the crazy person... their target always shifts.

Lynnette

>

> To my brother, again.

>

> He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

>

> My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

>

> Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to turn

it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and they

were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

>

> So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it

up, etc.

>

> The fun began.

>

> -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other stuff

happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother visits my

mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother home, and then

bring the TV back to our place

> -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there was

something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

>

> It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he was

digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

>

> Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning at

SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in, it's

not going to work. "

>

> My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

>

> my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

>

> It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to deal

with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for doing

what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

>

> OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's

his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking

forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr face

on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all, he

will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

>

> I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore

it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his

puss on and be all sad-sacky.

>

> I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What I

wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

>

> Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal with

it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

>

> It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I too would have suggested that you graciously turn down the offer of the TV set

for the very reasons you mention. However, since you did accept the offer,

could you get a sitter for the kids, take your husband with you, and pick up the

TV when you go see your brother for his birthday? If brother chooses to be a

martyr/snarky, just pretend you do not hear or see any snarkiness. Act as

though everything is fine, give him his present(s), wish him a happy birthday,

and take the TV with you when you leave. Would that work for you?

-Annie

>

> To my brother, again.

>

> He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

>

> My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

>

> Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to turn

it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and they

were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

>

> So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it

up, etc.

>

> The fun began.

>

> -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other stuff

happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother visits my

mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother home, and then

bring the TV back to our place

> -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there was

something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

>

> It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he was

digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

>

> Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning at

SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in, it's

not going to work. "

>

> My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

>

> my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

>

> It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to deal

with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for doing

what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

>

> OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's

his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking

forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr face

on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all, he

will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

>

> I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore

it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his

puss on and be all sad-sacky.

>

> I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What I

wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

>

> Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal with

it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

>

> It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I second Lynette's advice. There is no reason for anyone to be upset about this.

So you couldn't work out a time that worked for both to pick it up and decided

not to take it. Big deal. If he is emotionally invested in giving you a TV,

that's his problem, there is absolutely no reason for you to allow him to drag

you into his craziness.

If he brings it up, just say, yes, it's too bad we couldn't find a time that

worked for everyone, but it's no big deal.

And if he won't let it go, just say, well, I'd really like to visit with you,

but if all you want to do is talk about a tv, I have to go.

Don't let it be a big deal. And if he talks bad about your husband, say " I

cannot be around you while you bad mouth my husband. I'll talk to you later.

Happy birthday " then leave.

Take care of yourself!

> >

> > To my brother, again.

> >

> > He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

> >

> > My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on a

Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

> >

> > Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to

turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and

they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

> >

> > So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking it

up, etc.

> >

> > The fun began.

> >

> > -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> > -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

home, and then bring the TV back to our place

> > -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there

was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

> >

> > It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> > If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he

was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

> >

> > Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning at

SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in, it's

not going to work. "

> >

> > My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

> >

> > my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

> >

> > It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to deal

with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for doing

what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

> >

> > OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend. It's

his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT looking

forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr face

on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all, he

will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

> >

> > I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore

it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his

puss on and be all sad-sacky.

> >

> > I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What I

wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

> >

> > Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal

with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

> >

> > It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have a friend who's an ACON/son of BPD and he has a cheerful " No thanks! "

I went to the bank to do my banking. They lead me to the desk to sell me all

their services and I practiced my cheerful " No thanks! " The lady tried to

trigger me and make me feel inadequate. Just kept smiling, " No thanks! " I

would've said it all day. We left on such good terms she came out to see my

cool vespa. IT WORKS!

>

>

> I second Lynette's advice. There is no reason for anyone to be upset about

> this. So you couldn't work out a time that worked for both to pick it up and

> decided not to take it. Big deal. If he is emotionally invested in giving

> you a TV, that's his problem, there is absolutely no reason for you to allow

> him to drag you into his craziness.

>

> If he brings it up, just say, yes, it's too bad we couldn't find a time

> that worked for everyone, but it's no big deal.

>

> And if he won't let it go, just say, well, I'd really like to visit with

> you, but if all you want to do is talk about a tv, I have to go.

>

> Don't let it be a big deal. And if he talks bad about your husband, say " I

> cannot be around you while you bad mouth my husband. I'll talk to you later.

> Happy birthday " then leave.

>

> Take care of yourself!

>

>

> > >

> > > To my brother, again.

> > >

> > > He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no

> longer wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

> > >

> > > My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic

> on a Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

> > >

> > > Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head

> to turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our

> kids and they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really

> old and lame. Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in

> dealing with my brother.

> > >

> > > So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and

> picking it up, etc.

> > >

> > > The fun began.

> > >

> > > -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

>

> > > -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

> stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

> visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

> home, and then bring the TV back to our place

> > > -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if

> there was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we

> would understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but

> no...it had to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

> > >

> > > It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you

> should.

> > > If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like

> he was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

> > >

> > > Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday

> morning at SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to

> sleep in, it's not going to work. "

> > >

> > > My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

> > >

> > > my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

> > >

> > > It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to

> deal with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband

> for doing what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

> > >

> > > OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend.

> It's his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT

> looking forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his

> martyr face on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and

> most of all, he will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah

> blah blah

> > >

> > > I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling

> him 'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to

> ignore it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to

> have his puss on and be all sad-sacky.

> > >

> > > I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding.

> What I wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his

> undercurrents and innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways,

> Dignity " as Gene says in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by

> him.

> > >

> > > Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you

> deal with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

> > >

> > > It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

> > >

> > > Fiona

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Boundaries, Fi

I would contact him first, via email or phone if you wish. Tell him you

want to come on his birthday to visit and do the cake thing. But you

want to make it clear that while the TV deal was not workable, you do

not want to discuss it, or your husband with him while you are there.

If he can agree to this, you ll see him on his birthday. If not, you won

t. If he violates this once you are there, the consequences are that you

ll leave at once.

And stick to what you say.

And in case you are wondering, it was absolute total BP manipulation,

the entire deal. If he really wanted you to have something he could have

made arrangements to get it to you. He had a lot of fun making you both

squirm about it.

Next time, tell him nothing free from you is ever worth the price. So

no thank you.

Doug

Be tough, girl friend!

[Guest guest]

Thanks, everyone, for the spot-on advice; you're right, I just want to explain

and hem and haw and do the silly dance with him. I'm dying right now to email

him and just say something like " wow, sorry that didn't work out. " or whatever

-- to prepare my way before I see him Sunday, but it doesn't really matter. He's

not going to drop it and my husband is, as ever, on the top of his poop list.

Annie, you had asked if we could pick it up when we went to wish him a happy

birthday -- that would make sense, right?? But he only wants us to come by for

it at 6am on Saturday morning, mostly because Saturdays are just not good for us

to drive 2 hours to get a tv, with 2 kids in sports and dance activities. We

thought he would be available on a Sunday afternoon, but we were wrong. You

know, the 3 of us just assumed all over the place: he assumed we would drop

everything to go get it whenever he said, 'come,' and we assumed he would be

available on a Sunday. Wrong. We all know what happens when we ASSume!

He'll be at my mother's for us to birthdayize him so I wouldn't have gone to his

house anyways.

Thanks again, my tribe! I appreciate your strength for me.

Fiona

> > >

> > > To my brother, again.

> > >

> > > He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

> > >

> > > My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on

a Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

> > >

> > > Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to

turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids and

they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old and lame.

Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in dealing with my

brother.

> > >

> > > So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking

it up, etc.

> > >

> > > The fun began.

> > >

> > > -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> > > -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

home, and then bring the TV back to our place

> > > -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there

was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we would

understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but no...it had

to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

> > >

> > > It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> > > If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he

was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

> > >

> > > Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning

at SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in,

it's not going to work. "

> > >

> > > My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

> > >

> > > my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

> > >

> > > It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to

deal with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband for

doing what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

> > >

> > > OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend.

It's his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT

looking forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his martyr

face on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most of all,

he will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah blah

> > >

> > > I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to ignore

it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have his

puss on and be all sad-sacky.

> > >

> > > I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What

I wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents and

innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene says

in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

> > >

> > > Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal

with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

> > >

> > > It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

> > >

> > > Fiona

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Doug.

I totally agree with you; I think he did enjoy making my husband squirm.

But my husband ain't getting up at 6am for no damned tv, so that's that!

I'm going to give your idea a try. why am i so nervous???

>

>

> Boundaries, Fi

>

> I would contact him first, via email or phone if you wish. Tell him you

> want to come on his birthday to visit and do the cake thing. But you

> want to make it clear that while the TV deal was not workable, you do

> not want to discuss it, or your husband with him while you are there.

> If he can agree to this, you ll see him on his birthday. If not, you won

> t. If he violates this once you are there, the consequences are that you

> ll leave at once.

>

> And stick to what you say.

>

>

>

> And in case you are wondering, it was absolute total BP manipulation,

> the entire deal. If he really wanted you to have something he could have

> made arrangements to get it to you. He had a lot of fun making you both

> squirm about it.

>

> Next time, tell him nothing free from you is ever worth the price. So

> no thank you.

>

>

>

> Doug

>

> Be tough, girl friend!

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Thanks, Doug.

> I totally agree with you; I think he did enjoy making my husband

squirm.

> But my husband ain't getting up at 6am for no damned tv, so that's

that!

>

> I'm going to give your idea a try. why am i so nervous???

Because you are a KO , and were taught practically through your mothers

milk that to assert your self was to be selfish and mean; a horrid

human. Instead, you are a tool , bred to care for others.

Sounds silly when you phrase it that way, doesn t it? But that is what

we were taught. It takes some effort and a revision of our internal

voice to overcome that.

Let me give you an example. I grew up an only child. Did not have sibs

till Dad remarried when I was 16 ( he had left nada, and ME with her).

Yet as an adult, husband , father, in a household of 6, for which I was

the principal breadwinner, I would go around and ask everyone if they

wanted that last apple before I would eat it. Used to drive my wife

crazy.

But you understand why I did it, don t you?

Come on, Fi. Eat the apple.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Have u read " Boundaries " by Dr.'s Cloud & Townsend? It changed my life

and specifically teaches how & when to say " NO " .

Laurie

In a message dated 3/17/2011 7:28:40 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hermitsdaughter@... writes:

To my brother, again.

He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on

a Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to

turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids

and they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old

and lame. Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in

dealing with my brother.

So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking

it up, etc.

The fun began.

-My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

-My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

home, and then bring the TV back to our place

-My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there

was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we

would understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but

no...it had to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he

was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning

at SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in,

it's not going to work. "

My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to

deal with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband

for doing what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend.

It's his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT

looking forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his

martyr face on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and most

of all, he will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah

blah

I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to

ignore it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to have

his puss on and be all sad-sacky.

I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What

I wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents

and innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene

says in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal

with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

OK, so what I'm reading is that you've made a cake, you're going to deliver it

to him, and then you're going to sit there an put up with his attitude because

it's his birthday. " Thank you sir, may I have another? "

My advice? Tell him something came up (do this TODAY so he can make other plans

and can't accuse you of standing him up on his birthday). Feed the cake to your

kids. Do something fun with them and your husband, stalwart fellow that he is.

Your brother can sell the freakin' TV and use the money to buy himself a nice

birthday gift. If he's so busy on the weekends, surely he has something else he

can do tomorrow.

People who spread misery do not get the privilege of company on their birthdays

(or any other time).

[Guest guest]

Sigh. Yes, I do understand.

I'm the same way!! it gave me chills when I read your story.

I'm the very same way.

> >

> > Thanks, Doug.

> > I totally agree with you; I think he did enjoy making my husband

> squirm.

> > But my husband ain't getting up at 6am for no damned tv, so that's

> that!

> >

> > I'm going to give your idea a try. why am i so nervous???

>

>

> Because you are a KO , and were taught practically through your mothers

> milk that to assert your self was to be selfish and mean; a horrid

> human. Instead, you are a tool , bred to care for others.

>

> Sounds silly when you phrase it that way, doesn t it? But that is what

> we were taught. It takes some effort and a revision of our internal

> voice to overcome that.

>

> Let me give you an example. I grew up an only child. Did not have sibs

> till Dad remarried when I was 16 ( he had left nada, and ME with her).

> Yet as an adult, husband , father, in a household of 6, for which I was

> the principal breadwinner, I would go around and ask everyone if they

> wanted that last apple before I would eat it. Used to drive my wife

> crazy.

>

> But you understand why I did it, don t you?

>

> Come on, Fi. Eat the apple.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie,

I read it a long time ago and, it's funny, I recommend it to others.

Yes, I think it's time for me to read it again. I think sometimes I'm doing so

great--and I am, but it depends I think on who it is I have to say no to!

>

> Have u read " Boundaries " by Dr.'s Cloud & Townsend? It changed my life

> and specifically teaches how & when to say " NO " .

> Laurie

>

>

> In a message dated 3/17/2011 7:28:40 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> hermitsdaughter@... writes:

>

>

>

>

> To my brother, again.

>

> He offered us (my husband and me) a 50 " flat screen TV that he no longer

> wants. It's supposedly hardly used.

>

> My brother lives a long way from us, it's a trek in major city traffic on

> a Sunday morning, much less on a weekday.

>

> Anyway, he offered us this tv. Against the voice SCREAMING in my head to

> turn it down, I said ok. Mostly b/c he offered it to us in front of our kids

> and they were so excited about it, as was my husband. Our tv is really old

> and lame. Still, I could already see the problems attached to it, in

> dealing with my brother.

>

> So, I told my husband, you want it so bad, you deal with him and picking

> it up, etc.

>

> The fun began.

>

> -My brother asked if my husband could pick it up on Saturday afternoon.

> -My husband explained to him that between our kids' schedules and other

> stuff happening on Saturdays, Sundays would be best for us. Since my brother

> visits my mother on weekends, he could pick my brother up, drive my brother

> home, and then bring the TV back to our place

> -My brother kept saying no to Sundays, but never explained why...if there

> was something going on or if he had a class on Sunday nights, etc., we

> would understand and try to find a day that worked for both of them, but

> no...it had to be, mysteriously, a Saturday.

>

> It was like " it's MY tv and you'll pick it up when **I** say you should.

> If he had something going on, we would have understood, but it was like he

> was digging his heels in for the sake of doing it.

>

> Finally, he emailed my husband to come to his house on a Saturday morning

> at SIX A.M. My husband emailed him back, " it's my only morning to sleep in,

> it's not going to work. "

>

> My brother said, " It's the only time that *I* am free. "

>

> my husband responded, " We don't *need* the tv. Thanks anyway. "

>

> It became a chilly back and forth between them and of course, I have to

> deal with the mess my husband left. Grrrr!!!! Why am I so mad at my husband

> for doing what I wish I could do, setting boundaries without apologies???

>

> OK, so here's my dilemma: I'm supposed to see my brother this weekend.

> It's his birthday and I have a cake and dinner I'm bringing him. I am NOT

> looking forward to this. I knew this would happen. He's going to have his

> martyr face on, and why did you do this to me?, and 'after all I did,' and

most

> of all, he will do his jabs at my husband, 'what's up with him??' blah blah

> blah

>

> I don't want our visit to become an ugly confrontation of me telling him

> 'don't talk that way about my husband' kind of stuff. I just want us to

> ignore it all, but I know that's not going to happen. I know he's going to

have

> his puss on and be all sad-sacky.

>

> I also don't want to be begging for his forgiveness or understanding. What

> I wish, best-case scenario, would be that I would ignore his undercurrents

> and innuendos, and accusations with dignity ( " allllways, Dignity " as Gene

> says in Singing in the Rain), and not be baited by him.

>

> Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation? How do you deal

> with it without it becoming a boxing match? Sigh. Serenity now.

>

> It's a people-pleaser's nightmare.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, !

I already told him I'd be there and I feel that by not going, I'm sending the

message that I or my husband did something wrong, that we're trying to avoid him

b/c we're embarrassed or something.

I'm going to go, because I said I would and have a gift for him, and my kids

love their " crazy uncle " (if they only knew how crazy!) but I'll just stay a

couple of hours and high-tail it home!

>

> OK, so what I'm reading is that you've made a cake, you're going to deliver it

to him, and then you're going to sit there an put up with his attitude because

it's his birthday. " Thank you sir, may I have another? "

>

> My advice? Tell him something came up (do this TODAY so he can make other

plans and can't accuse you of standing him up on his birthday). Feed the cake

to your kids. Do something fun with them and your husband, stalwart fellow that

he is.

>

> Your brother can sell the freakin' TV and use the money to buy himself a nice

birthday gift. If he's so busy on the weekends, surely he has something else he

can do tomorrow.

>

> People who spread misery do not get the privilege of company on their

birthdays (or any other time).

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I second 's motion

>

>

>

> Thanks, !

> I already told him I'd be there and I feel that by not going, I'm sending

> the message that I or my husband did something wrong, that we're trying to

> avoid him b/c we're embarrassed or something.

>

> I'm going to go, because I said I would and have a gift for him, and my

> kids love their " crazy uncle " (if they only knew how crazy!) but I'll just

> stay a couple of hours and high-tail it home!

>

>

>

> >

> > OK, so what I'm reading is that you've made a cake, you're going to

> deliver it to him, and then you're going to sit there an put up with his

> attitude because it's his birthday. " Thank you sir, may I have another? "

> >

> > My advice? Tell him something came up (do this TODAY so he can make other

> plans and can't accuse you of standing him up on his birthday). Feed the

> cake to your kids. Do something fun with them and your husband, stalwart

> fellow that he is.

> >

> > Your brother can sell the freakin' TV and use the money to buy himself a

> nice birthday gift. If he's so busy on the weekends, surely he has something

> else he can do tomorrow.

> >

> > People who spread misery do not get the privilege of company on their

> birthdays (or any other time).

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree , except I would be far less subtle. I would call and say

we are not coming because you acted like such an asshole toward my

husband and a manipulative jerk toward me. I m not going to come and put

up with your Pitiful Pearl act, and I m not going to put myself in the

position of explaining to my kids why we have to leave early when you

show your ass again.

Sell the TV, keep the TV, shove the TV up your nose, I don t really

care.

I ll mail you your cake.

I love you, but I m not tolerating any more of this from you. If you

continue this way, you are going to live, and die, very alone.

IMHO

Doug

>

> OK, so what I'm reading is that you've made a cake, you're going to

deliver it to him, and then you're going to sit there an put up with his

attitude because it's his birthday. " Thank you sir, may I have another? "

>

> My advice? Tell him something came up (do this TODAY so he can make

other plans and can't accuse you of standing him up on his birthday).

Feed the cake to your kids. Do something fun with them and your husband,

stalwart fellow that he is.

>

> Your brother can sell the freakin' TV and use the money to buy himself

a nice birthday gift. If he's so busy on the weekends, surely he has

something else he can do tomorrow.

>

> People who spread misery do not get the privilege of company on their

birthdays (or any other time).

>

>

>