Do lots of BP moms use health issues to manipulate?

[Guest guest]

Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've been

through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right? I

guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

- MJ

[Guest guest]

In my experience nada does this. She will turn any conversation to

complaints about her health. I used to hear constantly about the various

issues and symptoms she was experiencing. She also used my brother and I

for attention as kids. She never caused illness or harm but would overreact

to any, even minor, illness in order to gain attention for herself. When I

had mono as a teen she practically had me on bedrest and cried to anyone who

would listen how scared she was and how I might die (I had a mild case).

When she had a knee problem years ago she wore the brace for months and

avoided her rehabilitation exercises as long as she could. She would even

have people carry her up three stairs (as opposed to using crutches or just

having help to get up the stairs).

BB

[Guest guest]

YES! You are right!! This one is very common for BPDs.

Oddly enough, they have the ability to " create " real medical crises. In other

words, they will get themselves genuinely sick to grab the attention from

everyone. After all, it HAS to be all about them all the time!!

Very insightful of you to pick this up.

Sorry about your daughter's diagnosis. I've got two kids, and I know how hard

that can be.

In a world without BPD, you would be getting a lot of attention and support

right now. Just know you have support here.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome MJ. My nada (a nickname used here, which means " not a mom " , aka " mom

with bpd " ) doesn't often do the Munchausens' Disorder thing that your mother

seems to be doing a lot (deliberately making herself ill, or more ill, in order

to get more attention,) but I believe there are other members here whose bpd mom

does engage in those attention-seeking behaviors (Munchausen's is aka factitious

disorder) frequently and intensely.

I think my nada doesn't do it very often because neither my younger Sister nor I

give her more attention when she does it, so, there is no reward for her. I

have gone virtually No Contact with nada, and my Sister remains in Low Contact.

But if my nada had a couple of men hovering around her and catering to her when

she increased her symptoms of distress, then, I think she would be highly

motivated to work that angle rather often.

So, you are among those who totally get it. The bottom line is learning to not

feel guilty about refusing to be manipulated any longer. You can give your

mother as much or as little attention as YOU can and want to, and that's the

best you can do.

If your mother were mentally healthy, she would rather chew off her right arm

than cause you stress or be demanding of your attention, particularly when you

are a new mother with demanding responsibilities of your own. So, keep that in

mind.

You didn't make your mother mentally ill, and you can't cure her. No amount of

attention you DO give her will ever be enough, she will complain and demand

MORE, so, just give what feels doable for you and don't worry about it if she

isn't satisfied. Not you or anyone can fill her empty black hole of need, so,

just do what you feel you can without difficulty and be satisfied with yourself,

and DO NOT feel guilty. And if you need to, go Low Contact or No Contact. Its

all about what works for you, now.

I think a good response when your mother or other family of origin member

complains about your lack of constant attention, is " I understand, but this is

the best I can do. " No further explanation or discussion is necessary. " I'm

sorry, but this is the best I can do. " kind of says it all.

In my opinion!

-Annie

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

I think so.

My mother has been dying of something or other since I can remember.

Whenever I had a medical issue, she ignored it. I remember one year I had a

really bad ingrown toenail. I was 8 or 9, and " I " called the doctor and arranged

a ride over to his office to it could be looked at. She gave me hell for doing

it, I did it without her prior knowledge because I knew she would freak.

Again, later on, when I was 13, I was having trouble breathing, so I made an

appointment and it turned out I needed an inhaler. She TOOK it from me saying

that I was not asthmatic, that SHE was asthmatic.

Thankfully I was an otherwise healthy kid.

My grandfather would send us all yearly subscriptions to Readers Digest. The

running joke between my husband and I, was that it was delivering the " disease

of the month " , within a few days of us getting the digest, my mother would be

calling, telling us about this new diagnosis her doctor confirmed - that she got

from the front of the book, they literally had a " diagnosis of the month " at the

front of it.

She has fibromialgia, which is the PERFECT disease for her because there is no

blood test.

My stepmother (a witch BPD), has been dying since I met her (when I was 12 or

so) of one thing or another. She would have " strokes " when things got rough, and

my father would go running to her her every whim. He waits on her every ailment

hand and foot and doesn't see (or want to) how she is manipulating everyone

around her. She went though a time when " her brain was dying " , and then there

were her numerous female issues that were debilitating. She " retired " before she

was 50, due to this, and my own mother has been on disability since about the

age of 50 as well.

And yes, I sincerely beleive that they make themselves sick.

I vacilitate between being sad for my father, who had to work to support her

during a time when he should have been looking after his own health, while also

cooking, cleaning, running her errands, so she could sit on the couch with her

stupid lap dog and watch TV all day long, and I guess apathetic to him. He chose

to live his life like that.

>

> In my experience nada does this. She will turn any conversation to

> complaints about her health. I used to hear constantly about the various

> issues and symptoms she was experiencing. She also used my brother and I

> for attention as kids. She never caused illness or harm but would overreact

> to any, even minor, illness in order to gain attention for herself. When I

> had mono as a teen she practically had me on bedrest and cried to anyone who

> would listen how scared she was and how I might die (I had a mild case).

> When she had a knee problem years ago she wore the brace for months and

> avoided her rehabilitation exercises as long as she could. She would even

> have people carry her up three stairs (as opposed to using crutches or just

> having help to get up the stairs).

>

> BB

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

YES YES YES YES YES my nada does this.

To the point that when my grandfather died (attention was not on her) she

sprained her ankle so badly she couldn't walk. Unintended pregnancy when I

was 8 - she takes care of herself so poorly that my therapist believes she

lost the baby on purpose. And yes, she is still milking that.

I also believe she alternated between ignoring and worsening my health

problems when I was a kid. Munchhausens - I say yes straight up and also by

proxy.

Sucks. . . geez

So onto the present day (T says I need to deal with the present moment

more), my waif boss had a headache a couple of weeks ago. So she ends up

going to instacare and telling them she is " stroking out. " Yeah right, I

googled the symptoms. She didn't have them. With her a headache is a stroke

and if she eats too much for lunch she gets diarrhea (and I have to hear

about her case of the runs for the rest of the day).

>

>

> I think so.

>

> My mother has been dying of something or other since I can remember.

>

> Whenever I had a medical issue, she ignored it. I remember one year I had a

> really bad ingrown toenail. I was 8 or 9, and " I " called the doctor and

> arranged a ride over to his office to it could be looked at. She gave me

> hell for doing it, I did it without her prior knowledge because I knew she

> would freak.

>

> Again, later on, when I was 13, I was having trouble breathing, so I made

> an appointment and it turned out I needed an inhaler. She TOOK it from me

> saying that I was not asthmatic, that SHE was asthmatic.

>

> Thankfully I was an otherwise healthy kid.

>

> My grandfather would send us all yearly subscriptions to Readers Digest.

> The running joke between my husband and I, was that it was delivering the

> " disease of the month " , within a few days of us getting the digest, my

> mother would be calling, telling us about this new diagnosis her doctor

> confirmed - that she got from the front of the book, they literally had a

> " diagnosis of the month " at the front of it.

>

> She has fibromialgia, which is the PERFECT disease for her because there is

> no blood test.

>

> My stepmother (a witch BPD), has been dying since I met her (when I was 12

> or so) of one thing or another. She would have " strokes " when things got

> rough, and my father would go running to her her every whim. He waits on her

> every ailment hand and foot and doesn't see (or want to) how she is

> manipulating everyone around her. She went though a time when " her brain was

> dying " , and then there were her numerous female issues that were

> debilitating. She " retired " before she was 50, due to this, and my own

> mother has been on disability since about the age of 50 as well.

>

> And yes, I sincerely beleive that they make themselves sick.

>

> I vacilitate between being sad for my father, who had to work to support

> her during a time when he should have been looking after his own health,

> while also cooking, cleaning, running her errands, so she could sit on the

> couch with her stupid lap dog and watch TV all day long, and I guess

> apathetic to him. He chose to live his life like that.

>

>

> >

> > In my experience nada does this. She will turn any conversation to

> > complaints about her health. I used to hear constantly about the various

> > issues and symptoms she was experiencing. She also used my brother and I

> > for attention as kids. She never caused illness or harm but would

> overreact

> > to any, even minor, illness in order to gain attention for herself. When

> I

> > had mono as a teen she practically had me on bedrest and cried to anyone

> who

> > would listen how scared she was and how I might die (I had a mild case).

> > When she had a knee problem years ago she wore the brace for months and

> > avoided her rehabilitation exercises as long as she could. She would even

> > have people carry her up three stairs (as opposed to using crutches or

> just

> > having help to get up the stairs).

> >

> > BB

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My stepnada definitely uses health issues to manipulate. Lately it's been her

arthritis, which is supposedly debilitating for her, and no doctor can seem to

help her with. The last time I talked to her, she said, " How are you? " and then

before I could even say anything, she said, " Well let me tell you how I'VE

been... " and the whole rest of the time I listened to how angry she is with the

latest doctor because he refuses to treat her, and he told her, " The trouble is,

you're just not a spring chicken anymore. " That's NOT what she wanted to hear!

The other thing she's been doing lately is accusing my dad of having

Alzheimer's, which I think is very convenient for her, because it makes it

really easy for her to discount his side of the story on whatever issue they're

having at the moment.

[Guest guest]

My nada has a strange relationship to illness. She is more of a by proxy

type.

She acts like there is NEVER anything wrong with her. Even when she was

diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, and depression all within about 20 months

she acted like she just had a sliver that needed was a band-aid. She

wouldn't lean on anyone because she " knew " she would be fine and it would

all go over.

But if someone doesn't do or behave the way she wants... oop, she didn't

show up for the birthday, it is because she is isolating herself and

becoming depressed. Oooo, she isn't raising that baby the way I think she

should: She has postpartum depression! Oh boy, he is not treating me like I

want him to: Major depression! She will seriously pick her mental illness

and proceed to get people to jump up on her band wagon with her.

She has gone as far as to call my T to tell him she thought there was more

wrong with me than he knew etc... fortunately, my T knows me and he has met

my mom and he know she is well, nada... he just asked me, is there something

up or is it your mom acting up. Case closed.

Cuddle

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group MJ! I too have a BP/NP type mother. And yes she milks

those health conditions for all they are worth including just natural infirmity

coming from age. She refuses to take simple steps to help herself (like using a

cane while she's about to fall over) in a way of getting the focus and attention

back on her. I think she wants to threaten to fall so that those around her are

breathless waiting to catch her...literally and figuratively. She has cheap

medicine she can take that will help her arthritis, but yet she mysteriously

forgets and/or refuses to take it...all the while complaining about her pain and

how difficult it is to do things. In the end I think she just really wants to

go back to childhood and be mothered all over again. It's a sad situation for

her and plays hell on those around her. MJ sounds like your mother is willing

to take it even farther with starving herself. I guess the only thing we can

do is try to see what their REAL needs are.

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

I'll just add my very different experience. In my family, I have been painted

black as the child that does not " care " about her parents. My mom, first of all,

separates me from my dad with all kinds of obstacles, real and imagined. I

learned early that to ask about my dad was to put myself in the position of

" liking " my dad or " caring " about him more than her. And if I asked my mom

about her health, I was trying to show I cared, when, according to her, I did

not.

As I said, this is a backwards manipulation, and some of you might think it

sounded like " heaven " to be spared the gruesome details of nada's/fada's health.

For me though it is painful to have someone " withhold, " almost as punishment for

having a very independent life. I live clear across the continent from my

parents.

For so many years, my mom had me in this Catch-22. In my most recent

conversation with my mom/nada, I did tell her I was " checking on " she and my

dad. I heard her get all defensive, and I instinctively found myself

thinking... " you shouldn't have asked. " But then, I realized I want to be fully

me, and I want to know how to relate to my aging parents and their health. Plain

fact is, I am curious about what it is to be an aging person. I want to learn

how to care. How else will I know, unless I ask?

I hope my plain does not backfire, in that I might find myself being

overburdened, like some of you, with complaints I can do nothing about. And

therefore be blamed. But I have decided, in my case, I would rather learn to act

like a normal adult child of regular parents, so that when I talk to my dad I

can be the person I want to be. I am sick and tired of trying so hard not to be

seen incorrectly by nada. It is time for me to see who I am, and be who I want

to be.

Best,

[Guest guest]

A thumb's up of encouragement from me, . I think you're right and its

important for each of us to be our authentic self as much as possible. I don't

want to wear a mask of inauthentic perfection in public like my nada did; I came

to despise her phony public persona. Its hard for me to balance being open and

honest with being sensitive and polite, but, its doable.

RE contorting yourself to please your nada, even if you achieve a back-breaking

pretzel-like contortion just for her, it still does *not* please your nada,

right? So... why bother? Just be your natural self.

I discovered that my own authentic feelings, opinions and wishes go unperceived,

mis-perceived, or perceived and dismissed by my nada. If she is pleased with

me, or displeased with me, it has very little to do with anything I actually

said or did. She is too used to projecting her own inner reality onto me to

perceive me as I really am, so... I just don't worry about it anymore.

If you simply say or ask what you truly want to, and let the chips fall where

they may, what harm is done? I'm not saying be rude, mean, or disrepectful,

but go ahead and ask about their health if you want to and don't worry about how

that will be interpreted by nada or en-dad.

We can't control what other people choose to think about us. All we can do is

be our authentic selves and hope that that resonates with others. I'm sure your

authentic self resonates beautifully with many lovely, sweet, mentally healthy

people. (I know that I perceive you as a caring, empathetic, decent human being

from the posts you make here.)

And if your authentic self does not resonate with the insane, hateful, toxic,

controlling, rejecting parents, then... so be it.

Their loss.

-Annie

>

> I'll just add my very different experience. In my family, I have been

painted black as the child that does not " care " about her parents. My mom, first

of all, separates me from my dad with all kinds of obstacles, real and imagined.

I learned early that to ask about my dad was to put myself in the position of

" liking " my dad or " caring " about him more than her. And if I asked my mom

about her health, I was trying to show I cared, when, according to her, I did

not.

>

> As I said, this is a backwards manipulation, and some of you might think it

sounded like " heaven " to be spared the gruesome details of nada's/fada's health.

>

> For me though it is painful to have someone " withhold, " almost as punishment

for having a very independent life. I live clear across the continent from my

parents.

>

> For so many years, my mom had me in this Catch-22. In my most recent

conversation with my mom/nada, I did tell her I was " checking on " she and my

dad. I heard her get all defensive, and I instinctively found myself

thinking... " you shouldn't have asked. " But then, I realized I want to be fully

me, and I want to know how to relate to my aging parents and their health. Plain

fact is, I am curious about what it is to be an aging person. I want to learn

how to care. How else will I know, unless I ask?

>

> I hope my plain does not backfire, in that I might find myself being

overburdened, like some of you, with complaints I can do nothing about. And

therefore be blamed. But I have decided, in my case, I would rather learn to act

like a normal adult child of regular parents, so that when I talk to my dad I

can be the person I want to be. I am sick and tired of trying so hard not to be

seen incorrectly by nada. It is time for me to see who I am, and be who I want

to be.

>

> Best,

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely! In my mother's case it was vision. After her cataract surgery she

developed glaucoma and after that she was " blind with tunnel vision. "

Which was a very milkable condition in nada-land - I am sure you can imagine.

Only problem is, one day I asked her opthamologist just how bad her vision was

when she was out of the room for a test and he tole me she could pass the state

driving test.

Oops. Guess she didn't really need to be led around after all.

Sent from my blueberry.

> Welcome to the group MJ! I too have a BP/NP type mother. And yes she milks

those health conditions for all they are worth including just natural infirmity

coming from age. She refuses to take simple steps to help herself (like using a

cane while she's about to fall over) in a way of getting the focus and attention

back on her. I think she wants to threaten to fall so that those around her are

breathless waiting to catch her...literally and figuratively. She has cheap

medicine she can take that will help her arthritis, but yet she mysteriously

forgets and/or refuses to take it...all the while complaining about her pain and

how difficult it is to do things. In the end I think she just really wants to go

back to childhood and be mothered all over again. It's a sad situation for her

and plays hell on those around her. MJ sounds like your mother is willing to

take it even farther with starving herself. I guess the only thing we can do is

try to see what their REAL needs are.

>

>

>

> .

>

>

[Guest guest]

I see many others have responded to you but I'll add my 2 cents worth. Mine has

always had amazing doctor/hospital stories to tell. Every test was a " treatment "

for cancer. Every surgery turned out disastrous. Her most recent surgery was for

cataracts. Both times went well, 30 minutes under the knife so to speak. And

after healing the eye doctor told her she had 20/20 vision. But she swears up

and down that during the surgery they had " problems " and her eyesight is worse.

I was there and the doc was thrilled with the way it went. Same with her back

surgery. Doctor was happy and said she'd be up and about in a week. She still

swears she has pain, at a 9 or 10 level. The list goes on and on.

I've gradually learned to tune out most of it. Even the doctors roll their eyes

when she starts in on her medical history. The down side of it all is I don't

have a realistic view of my family health history. I have no idea what's real.

And as for me, I tend to go to the other extreme and ignore my health changes

till I have no choice but to go in. That's not always smart either. But I don't

want to be like her!

>

> Hi! I'm n

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

My stepmom was just the opposite. She didn't go to a doctor unless she

absolutely had to.  When my stepsister was a baby, she was sick for a week

before her mom took her to a doctor. Turned out my stepsister had scarlet

fever. My stepmom was sick for three months before she finally went to a

doctor. She ended up having bronchitis, and it was my fault she was sick...my

friend and I were an hour late getting back from college, and she had already

been sick a month by that time. I could go on and on about how she would wait

and wait, if we were sick, and she wouldn't take us to the doctor until we

were

really sick. I had my wisdom teeth removed, and she was going to go ahead and

let me take penicillan, which I am allergic to, just because she didn't want

to

call the dentist and get a different prescription.   Sometimes I wonder if I

am

just crazy.

Janet

Â

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, March 19, 2011 9:35:40 AM

Subject: Re: Do lots of BP moms use health issues to

manipulate?

Â

I see many others have responded to you but I'll add my 2 cents worth. Mine has

always had amazing doctor/hospital stories to tell. Every test was a " treatment "

for cancer. Every surgery turned out disastrous. Her most recent surgery was for

cataracts. Both times went well, 30 minutes under the knife so to speak. And

after healing the eye doctor told her she had 20/20 vision. But she swears up

and down that during the surgery they had " problems " and her eyesight is worse.

I was there and the doc was thrilled with the way it went. Same with her back

surgery. Doctor was happy and said she'd be up and about in a week. She still

swears she has pain, at a 9 or 10 level. The list goes on and on.

I've gradually learned to tune out most of it. Even the doctors roll their eyes

when she starts in on her medical history. The down side of it all is I don't

have a realistic view of my family health history. I have no idea what's real.

And as for me, I tend to go to the other extreme and ignore my health changes

till I have no choice but to go in. That's not always smart either. But I don't

want to be like her!

>

> Hi! I'm n

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

>moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

>and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received

an

>organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

>ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

>someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

baby,

>etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

>same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

>I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

>she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

>course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

>that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

>her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

>the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

>(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

>instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

>scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

>etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

>that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

>to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

>dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

>if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I

>guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

Hello,

Someone said that a downside is that some KOs don't know there true medical

history. This is soooo true. Not only do I not know the real family

history but I don't even know my own! Nada would exaggerate our medical

issues. I believed for a long time that I was allergic to numerous meds.

Through research I did on the symptoms I discovered that I did not have an

allergic reaction. The " reactions " she claimed were normal side affects of

the meds. Things like nausea. She claimed for years that I was allergic to

a particular vaccine. I was 3 months old and my " reaction " was crying!!!

BB

[Guest guest]

MJ - A thousand times YES!! My nada is a typical hypercondriac. She has had one

ailment or another for a long as I can remember. Her " symptoms " however, are

often so non-specific that doctors cannot find anything wrong. Other problems

are legit, however, such as diabetes, and she milks it for all its worth. I was

diagnosed with diabetes myself 2 years ago. Not to be outdone, nada's diabetes

suddently got worse (surprise) and she had to go on insulin. I found out later

that it was her poor eating habits and lack of exercise that caused her diabetes

to progress to the point of her needing insulin. I think she purposely did not

take care of herself so she would be worse than me. Whenever I or anyone else is

sick, she has to be sicker. Whatever illness or injury I have, she either has it

or has had it, and it was worse than anyone else ever had it.

She currently has a laundry list of other ailments including, fibromyalgia,

depression, hypothyroidism, chronic sinus problems, high blood pressure, high

cholesterol, a hiatal hernia, diabetic neuropathy, dental problems, stenosis in

her back, and God only knows what else. She takes a handful of pills every day

and carries a black tote bag full of medications with her everywhere she goes.

She won't leave the house without it.

She refers to herself as " elderly " even though she is only 65 years old. Despite

the list of problems, she is still fully capable of caring for herself, but she

uses her ailments as an excuse to get people (mainly ME) to do stuff for her. I

was the all-good, parentfied child and have played nursemaid to her since I was

a pre-schooler. She loves to tell the story about when I was 4 years old and she

had a backache. She smiles sweetly as she recalls in her words, I " rubbed as

hard as could with my little hands " . By age 9 or 10, I was not only taking

care of her, but was charged with caring for my younger brother as well. Nada

would be too " sick " to get out of bed in the morning, so I had to make sure we

had breakfast and got to school on time. Nada would still be in bed when I got

home from school, and I had to do my homework right away so I could make dinner

for my whole family. There was no time for me to just be a kid and go play with

my friends.

My T says that nada's illnesses are her way of getting attention (hmmm....YOU

THINK???). She also thinks that nada is just plain lazy. Well, I am 43 years old

now, and I'm done with taking care of her lazy ass. Every time I respond " No " to

her requests to drive her to the doctor, or the store, or bring her food, or

clean her house, or

any other of her numerous unreasonable requests, I am subjected to her angry

rants. Before, I just used to sit there and take it, or I would cave and do it

anyway, which is what she wanted in the first place. Guess what? Now, I just

either don't answer the phone, or I hang up when she starts ranting. Then, she

either does it herself, or she finds some other sucker to guilt and manipulate

into doing her bidding.

Wow! I didn't mean for that to turn into a rant. Sometimes I get started, and I

just can't stop. So sorry to have hijacked your thread, MJ! For what it's worth,

I really do understand and I feel your pain, sister.

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. Its hard for me to figure out what the hell might have been going on with

your stepmom, that is such unconscionable behavior.

Perhaps she was in denial whenever you and/or her bio-daughter, or she herself

became ill or injured. Some people are like that, they were raised to be stoic

and not let minor illnesses or injuries upset them. Perhaps it has to do with

perfectionism? Perfect people don't get sick or allow their children to get

sick. A streak of perfectionism might have kept her denying that anything was

ever wrong, so as not to reflect badly on her mothering capabilities.

But that explanation doesn't make sense in the case where your baby stepsister

had scarlet fever. That is NOT a minor illness, it is a potentially dangerous

illness, which left untreated can develop into rheumatic fever; and besides,

the baby would be in a lot of pain. Strep throat is horribly painful (I had it

a couple of years ago. Searing agony at each swallow.) Letting a little baby

suffer for days and days like that when a course of antibiotics will start

relieving the symptoms in about 24 hours is just cruel and sadistic, sez I.

Or perhaps step-nada simply didn't care. Or perhaps she even actively resented

it; as in: " How DARE you be ill/injured, require extra care from me, medicine,

and doctor visits, and cost me even more of my precious time and money than

usual, you miserable little brat? "

In the case of not giving a fig if her children are suffering or not, and/or

resenting having to provide care during illness... that would translate as

malignant narcissistic pd or even antisocial pd traits, in my opinion.

(((Shudder))) The idea of little children being in the " care " of a malignant

narcissistic pd or antisocial pd (sociopathic/psychopathic) " mother " is truly

frightening.

-Annie

>

> My stepmom was just the opposite. She didn't go to a doctor unless she

> absolutely had to.  When my stepsister was a baby, she was sick for a week

> before her mom took her to a doctor. Turned out my stepsister had scarlet

> fever. My stepmom was sick for three months before she finally went to a

> doctor. She ended up having bronchitis, and it was my fault she was

sick...my

> friend and I were an hour late getting back from college, and she had already

> been sick a month by that time. I could go on and on about how she would

wait

> and wait, if we were sick, and she wouldn't take us to the doctor until we

were

> really sick. I had my wisdom teeth removed, and she was going to go ahead

and

> let me take penicillan, which I am allergic to, just because she didn't want

to

> call the dentist and get a different prescription.   Sometimes I wonder if

I am

> just crazy.

> Janet

[Guest guest]

, I loved your rant. Exactly like my own nada, esp the black bag. My

nada carries a hypodermic needle with epinephrine in it, in case she goes

into anaphalaxis at any moment. Ummm duh, sure she has allergies, but they

don't cause anaphalaxis. I think she's mainly in danger of sneezing and

itching. If she would shower regularly the prob would take care of itself.

yeah, I have no idea what my real medical history is. The docs ask me all

the time if my family has any new diagnosis. I'm like hell if I know and if

they did have them, how would I know what to believe?

On Sat, Mar 19, 2011 at 9:41 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Wow. Its hard for me to figure out what the hell might have been going on

> with your stepmom, that is such unconscionable behavior.

>

> Perhaps she was in denial whenever you and/or her bio-daughter, or she

> herself became ill or injured. Some people are like that, they were raised

> to be stoic and not let minor illnesses or injuries upset them. Perhaps it

> has to do with perfectionism? Perfect people don't get sick or allow their

> children to get sick. A streak of perfectionism might have kept her denying

> that anything was ever wrong, so as not to reflect badly on her mothering

> capabilities.

>

> But that explanation doesn't make sense in the case where your baby

> stepsister had scarlet fever. That is NOT a minor illness, it is a

> potentially dangerous illness, which left untreated can develop into

> rheumatic fever; and besides, the baby would be in a lot of pain. Strep

> throat is horribly painful (I had it a couple of years ago. Searing agony at

> each swallow.) Letting a little baby suffer for days and days like that when

> a course of antibiotics will start relieving the symptoms in about 24 hours

> is just cruel and sadistic, sez I.

>

> Or perhaps step-nada simply didn't care. Or perhaps she even actively

> resented it; as in: " How DARE you be ill/injured, require extra care from

> me, medicine, and doctor visits, and cost me even more of my precious time

> and money than usual, you miserable little brat? "

>

> In the case of not giving a fig if her children are suffering or not,

> and/or resenting having to provide care during illness... that would

> translate as malignant narcissistic pd or even antisocial pd traits, in my

> opinion.

>

> (((Shudder))) The idea of little children being in the " care " of a

> malignant narcissistic pd or antisocial pd (sociopathic/psychopathic)

> " mother " is truly frightening.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > My stepmom was just the opposite. She didn't go to a doctor unless she

> > absolutely had to.  When my stepsister was a baby, she was sick for a

> week

> > before her mom took her to a doctor. Turned out my stepsister had

> scarlet

> > fever. My stepmom was sick for three months before she finally went to

> a

> > doctor. She ended up having bronchitis, and it was my fault she was

> sick...my

> > friend and I were an hour late getting back from college, and she had

> already

> > been sick a month by that time. I could go on and on about how she

> would wait

> > and wait, if we were sick, and she wouldn't take us to the doctor until

> we were

> > really sick. I had my wisdom teeth removed, and she was going to go

> ahead and

> > let me take penicillan, which I am allergic to, just because she didn't

> want to

> > call the dentist and get a different prescription.   Sometimes I

> wonder if I am

> > just crazy.

> > Janet

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada plays both cards- the " something's always wrong " card, and at the same

time she completely refuses to go to the doctor, in the rare cases when

something is actually wrong. She has a long list of very vague complaints- back

pain, headaches, fibromyalgia, sinusitis, " nerve pain " along one leg, etc. It

used to snap me into action when she would complain, turn me into her little

housekeeper. Then I started noticing that she complains more any time a

conversation turns to me. She'll tell me in excruciating detail about every

millisecond of her day, and if I try to tell a single work story or something,

she instantly has a headache and can't listen. It's like having any attention

directed away from her for even a moment causes her physical turmoil.

Yet a few years ago, when she developed uterine fibroid tumors that bled

chronically, she essentially allowed her anemia to get so bad that she collapsed

one day. It took one doctor one afternoon to solve that problem. But I guess

that was less interesting for nada....

[Guest guest]

Just being " talked at " by my nada on the phone was pretty standard behavior from

her; basically I had to listen to a monologue. It didn't matter if I called

her, or she called me. If I called her because I had a question for her,

sometimes I couldn't even get it in.

I was trained to just let her interrupt me and let her run on and on like that.

Her other standard mode of conversation was " the interrogation " : just a series

of rapid-fire questions. Now that I am in virtual No Contact with her, I

don't have to deal with either of those " modes of conversation " hardly at all.

The last time I phoned her (to wish her a happy birthday) she interrupted me

mid-sentence (as usual) and began to just run on and on, but this time I decided

to just talk over her. So I finished my interrupted sentence, wished her a

happy birthday, then said, " gotta go now, bye. " She continued talking for most

of that.

I have to admit that interrupting her and talking over her (treating her the way

she treats me) was rather rude, but, I did phone her and wish her well, and

that's the best I can do for now.

-Annie

>

> My nada plays both cards- the " something's always wrong " card, and at the same

time she completely refuses to go to the doctor, in the rare cases when

something is actually wrong. She has a long list of very vague complaints- back

pain, headaches, fibromyalgia, sinusitis, " nerve pain " along one leg, etc. It

used to snap me into action when she would complain, turn me into her little

housekeeper. Then I started noticing that she complains more any time a

conversation turns to me. She'll tell me in excruciating detail about every

millisecond of her day, and if I try to tell a single work story or something,

she instantly has a headache and can't listen. It's like having any attention

directed away from her for even a moment causes her physical turmoil.

>

> Yet a few years ago, when she developed uterine fibroid tumors that bled

chronically, she essentially allowed her anemia to get so bad that she collapsed

one day. It took one doctor one afternoon to solve that problem. But I guess

that was less interesting for nada....

>

[Guest guest]

<Posted by: " anuria67854 " anuria-67854@... anuria67854

Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:18 pm (PDT)

Just being " talked at " by my nada on the phone was pretty standard behavior from

her; basically I had to listen to a monologue. It didn't matter if I called her,

or she called me. If I called her because I had a question for her, sometimes I

couldn't even get it in.

I was trained to just let her interrupt me and let her run on and on like that.

Her other standard mode of conversation was " the interrogation " : just a series

of rapid-fire questions. Now that I am in virtual No Contact with her, I don't

have to deal with either of those " modes of conversation " hardly at all.

The last time I phoned her (to wish her a happy birthday) she interrupted me

mid-sentence (as usual) and began to just run on and on, but this time I decided

to just talk over her. So I finished my interrupted sentence, wished her a happy

birthday, then said, " gotta go now, bye. " She continued talking for most of

that.

I have to admit that interrupting her and talking over her (treating her the way

she treats me) was rather rude, but, I did phone her and wish her well, and

that's the best I can do for now.

-Annie>

Annie, Your self-acceptance is something I greatly respect. To see those simple

words, " I did phone her and wish her well , and that is the best I can do for

now, " is so life-affirming! That is exactly the kind of self-compassion that

comes of working on these concerns we have about our nadas and fadas.

Thanks, Annie also for underscoring what I shared on this topic, from my

backwards experience. I always appreciate the care in your speech, even if I

don't always get to respond after I share with the group.

I am so glad I get to read occasionally. I empathize with so much that people

share. It may be because I am an older mom and daughter that I feel such an

urgency to heal. And thankfully that is happening more easily it seems, with

each slip or tumble I take.

It seems so important for each of us to get to that point, where we realize for

ourselves we have had enough and we will no longer tolerate the roles we've been

placed in by our families of origin.

I know we are all on the path to healing.

[Guest guest]

After being married for almost 20 years, someone who I turned to for help

pointed out to me that my mother-in-law may have BPD. I read up all about BPD,

and she definately has many symptoms. It was a relief to know that my husband

and me are not alone in our suffering from my mother-in-law.

I have 8 children and after almost each child was born, she always developed a

backache or some other thing to complain about. It's really unbelievable how she

needed us to know that she is not feeling well every time I didn't feel so well.

My mother-in-law comes to eat a meal by us every Saturday (Jewsih Sabbath).

After the last birth, my husband asked her to please skip a week because his

wife needed to recuperate from the birth. Wow, did she go mad! She got so worked

up about being asked to skip a week that she ended up going to the hospital to

have her heart monitered because she was having heart palpations. Then she

blamed my husband for hurting her so deeply that she got sick because of him.

She cursed him out and then came anyways for the meal!

I am finally getting coaching help to deal with my mother-in-law. Until now, we

did everything to try to avoid a fight with her. Now we know that we are allowed

to set limits with her even though there will definately be a fight because of

that. My husband told her that as of now, we are taking a break and she cannot

come for meals for the next 8 weeks at least. (She has been coming to us every

week for the last 9 years since her husband passed away and she keeps insisting

that I don't do anything for her). This is going to be really tough. She lives

around the corner from us. Knowing her, she will probably come anyways so we

will have to leave her standing outside.

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

>been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

>variety.)

>

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

>moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

>and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received

an

>organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

>ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

>someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

baby,

>etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

>same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

>I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

>she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

>course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

>that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

>her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

>the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

>(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

>instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

>scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

>etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

>that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

>to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

>dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

>if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I

>guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

How selfish of your mother-in-law that she couldn't even let you heal after the

birth of your children! She should have been helping you.

> After being married for almost 20 years, someone who I turned to for help

> pointed out to me that my mother-in-law may have BPD. I read up all about BPD,

> and she definately has many symptoms. It was a relief to know that my husband

> and me are not alone in our suffering from my mother-in-law.

> I have 8 children and after almost each child was born, she always developed a

> backache or some other thing to complain about. It's really unbelievable how

she

> needed us to know that she is not feeling well every time I didn't feel so

well.

> My mother-in-law comes to eat a meal by us every Saturday (Jewsih Sabbath).

> After the last birth, my husband asked her to please skip a week because his

> wife needed to recuperate from the birth. Wow, did she go mad! She got so

worked

> up about being asked to skip a week that she ended up going to the hospital to

> have her heart monitered because she was having heart palpations. Then she

> blamed my husband for hurting her so deeply that she got sick because of him.

> She cursed him out and then came anyways for the meal!

>

> I am finally getting coaching help to deal with my mother-in-law. Until now,

we

> did everything to try to avoid a fight with her. Now we know that we are

allowed

> to set limits with her even though there will definately be a fight because of

> that. My husband told her that as of now, we are taking a break and she cannot

> come for meals for the next 8 weeks at least. (She has been coming to us every

> week for the last 9 years since her husband passed away and she keeps

insisting

> that I don't do anything for her). This is going to be really tough. She lives

> around the corner from us. Knowing her, she will probably come anyways so we

> will have to leave her standing outside.

>

>

> >

> > Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

> >been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently

narcissistic

> >variety.)

> >

> >

> > Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

> >moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt,

manipulate

> >and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received

an

> >organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

> >ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants

or

> >someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

baby,

> >etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

> >same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

> >I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think

that

> >she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself.

(Of

> >course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

> >that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week

and

> >her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. "

Then

> >the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

> >(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

> >instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

> >scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

> >etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week -

and

> >that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is

refusing

> >to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and

my

> >dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this "

" what

> >if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

> >

> >

> > Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I

right? I

> >guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

> >

> > - MJ

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group. Yes, it seems like several of us here, current and past

members, have borderline pd mothers or brothers or other relatives who are like

massive human steam-rollers. They are hyper-controlling and have this

outrageous sense of entitlement.

It takes a lot of courage and determination and consistency to set boundaries

with domineering personality-disordered individuals, and when you do, be

prepared for them to pull something like your m-i-l did: " you upset me so badly

you sent me to the hospital. " And sometimes they will even escalate their

attempts at manipulating you to wrest control back from you. (I've heard that

referred to as an " extinction burst. " )

Its all about control, bottom line. Such personality-disordered individuals are

masters of using Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( " FOG " ) to manipulate you. She's

used to being the alpha-wolf, and wants that power back.

So, a big thumbs up of encouragement from me. There are some good books out

there about boundary-setting, and enforcing consequences for boundary-violating.

It sounds like both you and your husband are on the same page about this new

policy and that's the most important aspect: consistency. You are a team, and

have each other's back.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

> >been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently

narcissistic

> >variety.)

> >

> >

> > Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

> >moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt,

manipulate

> >and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received

an

> >organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

> >ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants

or

> >someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

baby,

> >etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

> >same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

> >I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think

that

> >she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself.

(Of

> >course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

> >that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week

and

> >her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. "

Then

> >the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

> >(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

> >instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

> >scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

> >etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week -

and

> >that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is

refusing

> >to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and

my

> >dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this "

" what

> >if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

> >

> >

> > Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I

right? I

> >guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

> >

> > - MJ

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your encouragement! I know this is a going to be a hard road...

Thank G-d that my husband and I are on the same track. For years, my m-i-l has

been saying negative things about me to my husband. He just tried to let it go

in one ear and out the other. Thank G-d, his commitment to me was always strong

and he never took his mother's words seriously, but it still caused tension. We

both have very strong values and have always believed that honoring one's

parents is a very important value to have. We are Orthodox Jews and I always

thought that the commandment to honor one's parent is one of the 10 commandments

because it is so important and oh sooo difficult. (Though I do have a good

relationship with my own parents and honoring them is not difficult). My husband

therefore never spoke back to his mother despite all the abuse. (The abuse

towards my husband only started after we got married. His older sister got the

brunt of it when they were growing up). Recently, my husband spoke with a Rabbi

about the problems with his mother. The Rabbi gave us proper guidance and told

him that he should not let his mother into our home if she speaks badly about

me. We are finally learning that accepting all this abuse is not the right thing

to do. My husband is learning to stand up for us. This goes completely against

our nature. We are both peaceful people who don't get into fights with others.

So this is going to take a lot of strength to make and keep the boundaries no

matter what kind of tactics my m-i-l will use.

By the way, my husband started speaking with other siblings about the problems

we have with his mother. Well, surprise, surprise! We are not the only ones. My

m-i-l goes to visit her daughters who live abroad once a year. One sister said

that she is nervous for weeks before her mother's visit. Her husband refuses to

talk to my m-i-l. Another sister who suffered the most from my m-i-l told me

that all her life she feels like she is the most horrible person because my

m-i-l made her feel like she is bad. My m-i-l made sure to let everyone know

that this daughter is difficult. (Yes, she has turned into a difficult person -

but why?) I feel so sorry for her.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, March 23, 2011 5:02:35 PM

Subject: Re: Do lots of BP moms use health issues to

manipulate?

Welcome to the Group. Yes, it seems like several of us here, current and past

members, have borderline pd mothers or brothers or other relatives who are like

massive human steam-rollers. They are hyper-controlling and have this

outrageous sense of entitlement.

It takes a lot of courage and determination and consistency to set boundaries

with domineering personality-disordered individuals, and when you do, be

prepared for them to pull something like your m-i-l did: " you upset me so badly

you sent me to the hospital. " And sometimes they will even escalate their

attempts at manipulating you to wrest control back from you. (I've heard that

referred to as an " extinction burst. " )

Its all about control, bottom line. Such personality-disordered individuals are

masters of using Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( " FOG " ) to manipulate you. She's

used to being the alpha-wolf, and wants that power back.

So, a big thumbs up of encouragement from me. There are some good books out

there about boundary-setting, and enforcing consequences for boundary-violating.

It sounds like both you and your husband are on the same page about this new

policy and that's the most important aspect: consistency. You are a team, and

have each other's back.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

> >been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently

narcissistic

>

> >variety.)

> >

> >

> > Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

> >moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt,

manipulate

>

> >and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received

>an

>

> >organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

> >ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants

>or

>

> >someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

>baby,

>

> >etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

> >same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

> >I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think

>that

>

> >she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself.

>(Of

>

> >course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

> >that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week

>and

>

> >her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. "

Then

>

> >the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

> >(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

> >instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

> >scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

> >etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week -

and

>

> >that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is

refusing

>

> >to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and

>my

>

> >dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this "

" what

>

> >if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

> >

> >

> > Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I

right?

>I

>

> >guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

> >

> > - MJ

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>