Do lots of BP moms use health issues to manipulate?

[Guest guest]

It does help to realize that you're not the only one being steam-rollered, and

its happening or has happened to other members here, and to other members of

your husband's family!

It kind of helps us take the abuse less personally: its not just you, she does

this to her other adult children as well! (Although in some families, the

" nada " or bpd mom will target only one of her children for abuse: her designated

family " scapegoat. " )

I remember being just stunned, poleaxed with astonishment, when I first started

reading posts here and at other support groups for the adult children of the

personality-disordered: posts that I myself could have written. The similar

incidents and even details of the behaviors were uncannily similar to my own

experiences. I wasn't alone! I didn't make my mother that way; it wasn't me

who was somehow causing her to treat me that way!

Finding other KOs (adult kids of bpd parents) helped a lot!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what

I've

> > >been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently

narcissistic

> >

> > >variety.)

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have

BP

>

> > >moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt,

manipulate

> >

> > >and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she

received

> >an

> >

> > >organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy

and

> > >ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she

wants

> >or

> >

> > >someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a

> >baby,

> >

> > >etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around

that

> > >same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but

as

>

> > >I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think

> >that

> >

> > >she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself.

> >(Of

> >

> > >course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even

thinking

>

> > >that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week

> >and

> >

> > >her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. "

Then

> >

> > >the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

> > >(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER

and

> > >instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on

CT

>

> > >scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood

pressure,

> > >etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week -

and

> >

> > >that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is

refusing

> >

> > >to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse

and

> >my

> >

> > >dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this "

" what

> >

> > >if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I

right?

> >I

> >

> > >guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

> > >

> > > - MJ

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi there, I'm new here too (this is my first reply/post, actually!) I

immediately clicked on this thread when I was browsing titles, because my Mother

(who I strongly believe has BPD, though she won't visit a therapist/psychiatrist

for any kind of diagnosis) repeatedly uses health issues as manipulation tactics

with me.

Curiously enough, I started reading the responses to this thread this morning

and then this afternoon got a call from my Mother where she did this exact

thing. Her birthday is this Friday and I sent her a " mother " necklace and a

frame filled with photos from my wedding this past year. I included photos of us

as a family and she and I together. She thanked me but quickly moved onto

grilling me with questions about whether there are photos of she and I together,

why are there so many with my Step Mom & in-laws but none with she and I, etc. I

explained the photos were taken with whoever was around, that I had nothing to

do with it, we were extremely rushed with time and the only people who got

pictures were the ones who said, " here, smile and let's take a picture. "

About that time she faked a heart attack/started breathing crazy/cried out for

me to " call Dad, tell him to come get me, don't ask questions, just do it " and

then hung up. Of course I feel like a terrible daughter because my initial

reaction was " what BS " - she's done this sooo many times. Laid on the floor as

if she fainted, started hyperventilating and saying she was having a heart

attack (conveniently as we're driving past the hospital), threatening to commit

suicide, etc. But I called my Dad regardless. That was an hour ago and haven't

heard from either of them. Big surprise.

She's also lashed out at me for not inviting her to come to Orlando for my

husband's work trip, which falls on her birthday. Her brother lives there, and

my siblings made plans to come without asking me first, so of course she feels

like we're all getting together and leaving her out. She's been complaining and

blaming me for it for months now, but today she called me crying that the reason

it hurts so much is because the last time she had a birthday party her Great

Grandfather died in the middle of it, and that's why she never wanted a party.

What?!?! I've never heard that before in my life. Doesn't mean it isn't true,

but honestly - I feel like she's just trying to collect pity at this point.

We've tried to throw her birthday parties and she's refused - she would rather

sit at home alone and sulk. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have

friendships that last longer than a year or so, so who would there be to invite?

UGH. Sorry for the rant.

Anyone else feel like birthdays & special occasions bring out the worst?

>

> Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

>

> Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

>

> Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I right?

I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

>

> - MJ

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Pink,

Welcome to the Group. Your mother's behaviors sound all too familiar. You've

found a bunch of fellow " KOs " here (most of us seem to have bpd mothers; KO =

kid of bpd parent) who completely " get it. "

It sounds like you're dealing with the whole thing pretty well! You're aware

that her histrionic " medical crises " are mostly done for attention. You seem to

understand that feeling guilty about her behaviors is misplaced, inappropriate

guilt. You understand that you didn't make her this way, and that you really

can't change her behaviors: any change has to come from her. Good! Actually, I

think that is quite Excellent.

I agree with you(and I think a lot of other members here probably would also)

that special occasions seem to bring out the very worst in our bpd moms.

Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, bar/bat mitzvahs, graduations, christenings,

pregnancy, birth, the new grandchild, vacations, deaths in the

family/funerals/inheritance issues... any special occasion can generate an

acting-out frenzy in a borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother (or any bpd/npd

relative, really.)

So, again, welcome, and be reassured that you've found a bunch of other people

who understand " where you're coming from " (to show my age.)

-Annie

> >

> > Hi! I'm new here (and new to finding out that there is a name for what I've

been through and that I'm not alone! I have a BP mom - apparently narcissistic

variety.)

> >

> > Anyway, as I've read through things here it seems like lots of folks have BP

moms that have " health issues " or who use " health issues " to guilt, manipulate

and control. My mom struck the motherload (no pun intended) when she received an

organ transplant. She gained an immense amount of attention and sympathy and

ever since then (10+ years now) if one of our FOO isn't doing what she wants or

someone else is getting attention (her sister's hubby almost died, I had a baby,

etc.) she often seems to become ill (and always dramatically so) around that

same time... thus gaining more attention. I used to feel sorry for her but as

I've stepped back and looked with a more objective eye I've begun to think that

she actually WORKS at getting sicker so she gets attention back on herself. (Of

course, then I feel like the a**hole daughter she says I am for even thinking

that!) My newborn baby was diagnosed with a medical issue earlier this week and

her response was " I had the flu and you didn't even call to check on me. " Then

the following day she suddenly wound up fainting and cutting herself

(supposedly) when she fell. She refused to let my dad take her to the ER and

instead waited until the next day to go to the doctor but then insisted on CT

scans, blood work, X-rays, etc. All were fine except for low blood pressure,

etc. that he said was due to lack of eating - she'd lost 4 lbs in a week - and

that is her latest thing that she's been doing for about 6+ months is refusing

to eat. It seems to be working, too, because her health is getting worse and my

dad and younger brother (36) both fuss over her all the time, " eat this " " what

if I get X for you? " " can't you try just a few bites " and on and on.

> >

> > Anyway... seems like the health stuff is common with these women. Am I

right? I guess it is one of the ultimate guilt trips...

> >

> > - MJ

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG I thought it was just me for so long!! Special occasions are the worst! I

don't know if it's because my nada has massive social anxiety issues, or just

can't tolerate the attention at an event not being about her, but she's a

freaking NIGHTMARE during special events. Especially events that revolve around

some event in my life! She destroyed my highschool graduation so thoroughly

that I didn't go to my own college graduation. She destroyed my vet school

graduation too. My husband and I avoided a public wedding because I had an

anxiety attack every time I thought about planning an event where she would

mingle with my friends. I couldn't stand the thought of her ruining my wedding,

so I decided not to have one. How messed up is that?!

[Guest guest]

Well, my mother had high blood pressure and milked that for all it was

worth.

She used it as an excuse for daily drinking herself into, first, waify

silliness, second, nasty and violent rage, and third, stupor. She said " The

doctor told me I should drink because of my high blood pressure. " And my

father backed her up on that claim.

She also told me that her high blood pressure was all my fault. I believed

her. I must admit I would lose my temper with her, and in my teens I'd say

some pretty awful things to her and scream back at her and stuff, so I still

feel guilty about that, but rationally I know her high blood pressure was a

medical condition and *I* didn't cause it.

Also what she would do is if I did something that she didn't like, she would

tell me that I made her spit up blood. She'd run into the bathroom, slam the

door, come out again and scream at me that she'd spit up blood because of

me.

The last time I remember this happening was during my very last visit to my

parents when I was in my 20s. I was leaving the house to have lunch with a

friend of mine. My mother didn't want me to go. She stood in front of the

door, started screaming at me that I was killing her, and started coughing

and choking, ran into the bathroom, made dramatic noises in there, yelled,

" You made me spit up blood! " , came out and yelled and screamed some more. I

remember feeling so sick inside. My father was in the room, too. When I

started to open the door, he grabbed my arm and tried to prevent me from

leaving, yelling, " You're killing your mother! " And my mother's screaming,

" You're killing me! " I managed to get out of there.

This kind of stuff happened all the time when I was growing up.

And when I left home, I'd get constant calls from my mother (she refused to

abide by any rules about calling me - like if we made an agreement to have a

once-a-week-call, she'd ignore it and call me whenever she wanted) telling

me I was killing her and my father.

Which was pretty difficult for me to do, since they were living in L.A. and

I was living in N.Y.

And I guess I wasn't a very good long-distance murderer anyway, because she

lived to the age of 85 and my father lived to the age of 98.

[Guest guest]

Re: special occasions - yes, it's something they do. That's why my nada was

" disinvited " to any of my son's orchestra concerts, Scout events, Honors Day

ceremonies, Eagle Scout Court of Honor, etc. She says she wants to attend his

high school graduation this May. Like hell she will...she crapped on every

special ceremony I ever had, and she's not getting near my kid when it's his

turn to shine.

>

> OMG I thought it was just me for so long!! Special occasions are the worst!

I don't know if it's because my nada has massive social anxiety issues, or just

can't tolerate the attention at an event not being about her, but she's a

freaking NIGHTMARE during special events. Especially events that revolve around

some event in my life! She destroyed my highschool graduation so thoroughly

that I didn't go to my own college graduation. She destroyed my vet school

graduation too. My husband and I avoided a public wedding because I had an

anxiety attack every time I thought about planning an event where she would

mingle with my friends. I couldn't stand the thought of her ruining my wedding,

so I decided not to have one. How messed up is that?!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi " Pink! " Yes - holidays are tough! My Nada expects everyone in our FOO to be

around 24/7 at their house for Christmas. My brother - I wonder sometimes if he

is BP but I'm not sure if it's that or just her bad influence on him - seems

more than happy to sit on his butt at their house for 1-2 weeks and do nothing.

I can't stand it! Plus he is her " hero " and I'm her " villain " so he is treated

very well while she nit-picks (sp?) me to death!

Last year my hubby and I decided we weren't going to play the game any more

(esp. since we were expecting our first baby). We spent most of Christmas day

and had Christmas dinner there, but that was it. She tried the " could be my last

Christmas alive " bit and various other guilt trips, but my hubby is so sick of

it all that he had no problem and I was 8.5 months pregnant and too tired to

deal with it so it didn't work this time. Made for a much nicer holiday for us

for a change -- more time with each other and very little over there! She also

pulls the " don't waste your money on anything for me on my birthday " stuff

nowadays so I don't (stopped bothering about 2 years ago). Now she gets an

e-card and that is it. When she says something about it, I just remind her that

I'm honoring HER wish.... (usually leads to some passive-aggressive comments,

though! UGH!)

My brother is going to be in town next week " for my birthday " she says, but no

one consulted me so hubby, baby and I have events on both weekends, including a

wedding that hubby is in. Maybe that will teach them to plan and not ask us. Oh

wait... probably not! This way she can tell everyone how I was too busy to spend

much time with my brother and family. UGH! It gets sooo old...

>

> Hi there, I'm new here too (this is my first reply/post, actually!) I

immediately clicked on this thread when I was browsing titles, because my Mother

(who I strongly believe has BPD, though she won't visit a therapist/psychiatrist

for any kind of diagnosis) repeatedly uses health issues as manipulation tactics

with me.

>

> Curiously enough, I started reading the responses to this thread this morning

and then this afternoon got a call from my Mother where she did this exact

thing. Her birthday is this Friday and I sent her a " mother " necklace and a

frame filled with photos from my wedding this past year. I included photos of us

as a family and she and I together. She thanked me but quickly moved onto

grilling me with questions about whether there are photos of she and I together,

why are there so many with my Step Mom & in-laws but none with she and I, etc. I

explained the photos were taken with whoever was around, that I had nothing to

do with it, we were extremely rushed with time and the only people who got

pictures were the ones who said, " here, smile and let's take a picture. "

>

> About that time she faked a heart attack/started breathing crazy/cried out for

me to " call Dad, tell him to come get me, don't ask questions, just do it " and

then hung up. Of course I feel like a terrible daughter because my initial

reaction was " what BS " - she's done this sooo many times. Laid on the floor as

if she fainted, started hyperventilating and saying she was having a heart

attack (conveniently as we're driving past the hospital), threatening to commit

suicide, etc. But I called my Dad regardless. That was an hour ago and haven't

heard from either of them. Big surprise.

>

> She's also lashed out at me for not inviting her to come to Orlando for my

husband's work trip, which falls on her birthday. Her brother lives there, and

my siblings made plans to come without asking me first, so of course she feels

like we're all getting together and leaving her out. She's been complaining and

blaming me for it for months now, but today she called me crying that the reason

it hurts so much is because the last time she had a birthday party her Great

Grandfather died in the middle of it, and that's why she never wanted a party.

What?!?! I've never heard that before in my life. Doesn't mean it isn't true,

but honestly - I feel like she's just trying to collect pity at this point.

We've tried to throw her birthday parties and she's refused - she would rather

sit at home alone and sulk. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have

friendships that last longer than a year or so, so who would there be to invite?

>

> UGH. Sorry for the rant.

>

> Anyone else feel like birthdays & special occasions bring out the worst?

>