Could use some encouragement

March 18, 2011

I've been NC for almost 4 years after my mom made some disparaging comments to

my children and essentially scoffed at me when I confronted her about it. She

and dad still try to get to the kids via cards and drop-ins, but I've been

pretty good about keeping them away. The kids never see the cards and we just

don't answer the door.

Yesterday my dad left a message that his mom (my grandma) and his brother-in-law

(my uncle) died, and that the funeral for Gma would be Saturday. I haven't

seen Gma in about 6 years and we weren't particularly close. Given that, and

the fact that the funeral would be populated with people I've spent the better

part of the last four years trying to avoid, I decided I would send a sympathy

card and pay my respects at Gma's grave in the upcoming weeks. Additionally,

I'm scheduled to work tomorrow in a job that's not easy to cover with

last-minute arrangements, as if I needed another excuse, but you guys

understand.

So I was cool with that. This morning, nada calls my office and gets my

secretary (who's wise to what's going on). I make her take a message, which is,

of course, that Gma and uncle died. Not ten minutes later my cell phone is

ringing. I let it go to voicemail. It's dad again, informing my of the

time/location of the funeral and reminding me that " you used to rearrange all of

the magnets on her refrigerator when you were a little girl, and she used to

tell you stories about the Great Depression. I think you liked that, " and to

tell me that there would be bagpipes at the funeral and that my brother that I

see maybe once every two years is flying in for the occasion.

I know it's a guilt trip, so that's not the issue. I just get so angry that

they think they have a right to manipulate me like this! And I wouldn't be

surprised if I get some hate mail/messages next week for not going, but if I

went, *they'd be there* with the added bonus of expecting hugs and sympathy. I

think it was a pretty big step for me to send a card. I am fricking forty years

old so I think I have the right to not go to a funeral if I don't want to. I

will pay my respects to Grandma, just not on their terms.

March 18, 2011

Good for you for sticking to your guns! I too think its a huge manipulation on

your parents' part.

If this were happening to me, I think I would e-mail a brief response along the

lines of, " Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry but I will not be able to

attend the services, but I am sending a card (and/or a flower arrangement to her

grave site) in sympathy. "

And then not accept or read any further communications from them at all on the

subject, period.

And good for you for standing up for yourself and demanding that your parents

respect you AS a parent, and thereby protecting your children from their

manipulativeness.

My younger Sister had to open up a can of emotional whup-ass on our nada to

clearly establish that Sister was the ultimate authority figure of her little

boy, The Mom, the " alpha wolf " , and nada was not allowed to over-ride Sister,

disregard Sister's parenting decisions, or openly disagree with or criticize

Sister's parenting decisions *in front of her child.*

Sister had said to nada: " If you disagree with something I've said or done RE

parenting you can tell me privately, but NOT in front of my son. " Nada

disregarded this rule repeatedly, and so got " taken down " by Sister rather

dramatically in front of the child as a result. This happened when Sister was

driving nada back home after some errand or other, and my nephew was in his car

seat in the back.

Sister told nada, " I've asked you to not do that, mother, and since you won't

respect my request then I don't want you around me or my son and you can walk

home, " and Sister pulled over to the side of the freeway and made nada get out

of the car. Nada was so totally shocked, panicked and cowed by this that she

actually, finally took Sister seriously and promised to abide by that rule.

(Sister allowed the shaken, frightened nada back into the car and drove her

home.)

Its like my nada is and always has been a bully, THE dominant figure in our foo

and extended foo, and only a genuine, serious confrontation like that made any

impact on her. Nada finally learned to *respect* Sister as an adult, her equal,

and a parent.

Its sad that the respect had to be gained by " force " , but, I admire my Sister

for taking a hard stand particularly because I know how difficult that was for

her to do.

-Annie

>

> I've been NC for almost 4 years after my mom made some disparaging comments to

my children and essentially scoffed at me when I confronted her about it. She

and dad still try to get to the kids via cards and drop-ins, but I've been

pretty good about keeping them away. The kids never see the cards and we just

don't answer the door.

>

> Yesterday my dad left a message that his mom (my grandma) and his

brother-in-law (my uncle) died, and that the funeral for Gma would be Saturday.

I haven't seen Gma in about 6 years and we weren't particularly close. Given

that, and the fact that the funeral would be populated with people I've spent

the better part of the last four years trying to avoid, I decided I would send a

sympathy card and pay my respects at Gma's grave in the upcoming weeks.

Additionally, I'm scheduled to work tomorrow in a job that's not easy to cover

with last-minute arrangements, as if I needed another excuse, but you guys

understand.

>

> So I was cool with that. This morning, nada calls my office and gets my