I don't want to be a magnet!

[Guest guest]

So yesterday I was at the store looking for something. I'd asked for help and

was talking to a store employee about it. So this woman appears says she's

looking for the same thing. Starts dominating the conversation, the store

employee excuses herself, and I keep trying to turn back to look at my choices.

The lady won't stop talking, starts oversharing stuff about her life to me,

starts telling me inaccurate information about the items I'm looking at

distracting me from reading the labels. I hastily pick something which now I

regret and have to return today - she picks the same thing and starts following

me down the aisle continuing to talk a mile-a-minute at me! I realize this and

say oops I need to go pick up something on the opposite side of the store, and

high tail it in the opposite direction.

I was left with two conflicting feelings after this. What the hell am I, a

magnet for these people??? I mean the store is huge and most of those aisles

were empty - it freaks me out. And also maybe I was just an unfriendly bitch

who has become paranoid.

Right now I'm thinking it was just a random encounter with a pushy person who

was just hungry to talk to someone, but it leaves me feeling a little uneasy

because this isn't the first time it's happened. It's a bit of a nada echo

because my nada is the intrusive/insensitive type with me.

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

,

My suspicion is that the issue here isn't that you are a magnet

for encounters like this but rather than you are more sensitive

to them then most people. I think everyone encounters rude and

annoying people every so often. You may also be afraid to put an

end to the encounter more forcefully. Try saying " excuse me, I'm

trying to shop and don't have time to talk " . If that doesn't

work, it is time to try totally ignoring the rude person. Rude

people tend to give up and go away if they totally don't get

what they want from you.

At 06:08 PM 03/20/2011 climberkayak wrote:

>So yesterday I was at the store looking for something. I'd

>asked for help and was talking to a store employee about

>it. So this woman appears says she's looking for the same

>thing. Starts dominating the conversation, the store employee

>excuses herself, and I keep trying to turn back to look at my

>choices. The lady won't stop talking, starts oversharing stuff

>about her life to me, starts telling me inaccurate information

>about the items I'm looking at distracting me from reading the

>labels. I hastily pick something which now I regret and have

>to return today - she picks the same thing and starts following

>me down the aisle continuing to talk a mile-a-minute at me! I

>realize this and say oops I need to go pick up something on the

>opposite side of the store, and high tail it in the opposite

>direction.

>

>I was left with two conflicting feelings after this. What the

>hell am I, a magnet for these people??? I mean the store is

>huge and most of those aisles were empty - it freaks me

>out. And also maybe I was just an unfriendly bitch who has

>become paranoid.

>

>Right now I'm thinking it was just a random encounter with a

>pushy person who was just hungry to talk to someone, but it

>leaves me feeling a little uneasy because this isn't the first

>time it's happened. It's a bit of a nada echo because my nada

>is the intrusive/insensitive type with me.

>

>Thoughts?

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Maybe you feel vulnerable to overly-friendly or over-bearing people because

that's the way your nada treated/treats you. Maybe this woman and others like

her trigger you into feeling small, powerless and like your feelings/needs don't

matter (like an object), the way your nada makes you feel?

Perhaps with a friend (or your husband or your therapist) you can re-enact

similar scenarios so you can practice handling someone who is being intrusive,

overly-friendly, or demanding and feel less stressed the next time this happens

to you in real life. (Sort of like practicing a martial arts move or a piece of

music so that it feels familiar and natural to you and you can do it instantly

without having to think about it.)

A " Medium Chill " way of handling something like this would be responding in a

mild or neutral way, " I'm sorry, but I need to ask the clerk something first,

can you wait a sec? " or " That's interesting, but, just hang on a sec here, I

need to read this and make sure this is what I need. Just a moment. " And then

ignore her while you deal with whatever it is that you need to deal with,

without letting her " take over " your time or space.

Does that resonate with you? Do you think practicing some mild responses will

help the next time?

-Annie

>

> So yesterday I was at the store looking for something. I'd asked for help and

was talking to a store employee about it. So this woman appears says she's

looking for the same thing. Starts dominating the conversation, the store

employee excuses herself, and I keep trying to turn back to look at my choices.

The lady won't stop talking, starts oversharing stuff about her life to me,

starts telling me inaccurate information about the items I'm looking at

distracting me from reading the labels. I hastily pick something which now I

regret and have to return today - she picks the same thing and starts following

me down the aisle continuing to talk a mile-a-minute at me! I realize this and

say oops I need to go pick up something on the opposite side of the store, and

high tail it in the opposite direction.

>

> I was left with two conflicting feelings after this. What the hell am I, a

magnet for these people??? I mean the store is huge and most of those aisles

were empty - it freaks me out. And also maybe I was just an unfriendly bitch

who has become paranoid.

>

> Right now I'm thinking it was just a random encounter with a pushy person who

was just hungry to talk to someone, but it leaves me feeling a little uneasy

because this isn't the first time it's happened. It's a bit of a nada echo

because my nada is the intrusive/insensitive type with me.

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Definitely Annie I think practicing " get out of the conversation " moves would be

helpful to me. My move was to grab an item I thought would work and say I had

to go and walk away. So it's not like let her hold me prisoner there or

anything...but I did rush so I could leave and bought the wrong thing. So

yeah...practice would be good.

I guess the triggers that happen are that in that interaction I feel like this

person is forcing me to relate to them in a more involved way than I want to. I

was trained pretty ruthlessly by my nada as I was growing up to never ever be

rude or hurt anyone's feelings if I could help it - especially hers. As much as

I've tried to get away from that as an adult, I still find it very difficult to

deliberately reject someone even in a minor way. So I just have to keep

fighting this brainwashing.

Thanks,

>

> Maybe you feel vulnerable to overly-friendly or over-bearing people because

that's the way your nada treated/treats you. Maybe this woman and others like

her trigger you into feeling small, powerless and like your feelings/needs don't

matter (like an object), the way your nada makes you feel?

>

> Perhaps with a friend (or your husband or your therapist) you can re-enact

similar scenarios so you can practice handling someone who is being intrusive,

overly-friendly, or demanding and feel less stressed the next time this happens

to you in real life. (Sort of like practicing a martial arts move or a piece of

music so that it feels familiar and natural to you and you can do it instantly

without having to think about it.)

>

> A " Medium Chill " way of handling something like this would be responding in a

mild or neutral way, " I'm sorry, but I need to ask the clerk something first,

can you wait a sec? " or " That's interesting, but, just hang on a sec here, I

need to read this and make sure this is what I need. Just a moment. " And then

ignore her while you deal with whatever it is that you need to deal with,

without letting her " take over " your time or space.

>

> Does that resonate with you? Do you think practicing some mild responses will

help the next time?

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Katrina, that's true...by the law of averages eventually I will run into rude

people. But because of my nada's training to always be nice to everyone I find

it very hard to push back. And when I do push back I usually over do it, from

assertive to aggressive because I just don't have much practice. Anywho, I

like that suggestion - there was no way I could consider all the fine print and

issues on those labels with her standing in my space talking at me.

But as to why I feel like a magnet, it's about the pattern. I've had crazy

weird people cross five lanes of traffic to get to me, cross running water, find

me at outdoor events with thousands of people, at parties, you name it. It's

like fate - they think they were meant for me and when I was younger I used to

believe I was meant for them. Leading to lots of dysfunctional friendships and

romances. These days I pretty much keep to myself

>

> ,

>

> My suspicion is that the issue here isn't that you are a magnet

> for encounters like this but rather than you are more sensitive

> to them then most people. I think everyone encounters rude and

> annoying people every so often. You may also be afraid to put an

> end to the encounter more forcefully. Try saying " excuse me, I'm

> trying to shop and don't have time to talk " . If that doesn't

> work, it is time to try totally ignoring the rude person. Rude

> people tend to give up and go away if they totally don't get

> what they want from you.

[Guest guest]

I've found that if I look someone in the eyes, smile, and say, something like

" OK, that's great, but hang on just a sec and I'll get right back to

you. " ...that gets me the space/time I need without the other person feeling

rejected. Its just being assertive. Its not rude or mean, its just saying " one

moment please " while you deal with the issue you need to deal with, then return

your attention to the other person. Its the looking them in the eye, making

that human connection, and genuinely smiling that makes it not rude.

Most of the time when people have been kind of intrusive with me I didn't get

the feeling that they were being deliberately rude or aggressive, really. Most

of the time I got the impression that they were just lonely or kind of clueless,

or perhaps frantic/agitated/in a BIG hurry, but I've seldom had the impression

that someone was trying to intimidate me. (Well, as an adult. In elementary

school and high school I often felt that others were being deliberately hostile

to me.) After a while you can kind of sense when a person is being just being

kind of like a large (annoying) puppy or if there is some kind of hostility

there.

If indeed someone is being hostile, aggressive or intimidating with you

(physically intimidating, or coming on to you sexually/touching you in an

inappropriate way) that's another issue. Then it may be a matter of safety to

simply drop what you're doing and leave, (while managing to not look scared) or

tell the individual to " Back off " in a firm way. That's a judgment call only

you can make at the time.

Safety first, sez I.

I recommend the book " The Gift of Fear " by Gavin de Becker to help get back in

touch with your natural intuition, that sense that helps you read and trust the

subtle, subliminal signals that manipulative people give off. As KOs, we've had

our self-defensive radar knocked out of commission. Time to get it back in

operating order, sez I.

-Annie

>

> Definitely Annie I think practicing " get out of the conversation " moves would

be helpful to me. My move was to grab an item I thought would work and say I

had to go and walk away. So it's not like let her hold me prisoner there or

anything...but I did rush so I could leave and bought the wrong thing. So

yeah...practice would be good.

>

> I guess the triggers that happen are that in that interaction I feel like this

person is forcing me to relate to them in a more involved way than I want to. I

was trained pretty ruthlessly by my nada as I was growing up to never ever be

rude or hurt anyone's feelings if I could help it - especially hers. As much as

I've tried to get away from that as an adult, I still find it very difficult to

deliberately reject someone even in a minor way. So I just have to keep

fighting this brainwashing.

>

> Thanks,

>

[Guest guest]

My bio mom(who's not BPD) is a people person.  If we are standing in line

somewhere, she will strike up a conversation with someone else standing in

line.  It's not that she's pushy or nosy, she just likes to talk to people and

find out about them.  When I go to the nursing home to visit my grandma, some

of

the other residents reach out to be touched or want to talk.  It's not that

they

are trying to be annoying...they just want a kind word and a smile.  I am not

saying that this woman wasn't being annoying, but maybe she lives alone and just

wanted some conversation, but didn't know how to have a conversation without

dominating it.  Maybe she was just reaching out for a kind word and a smile,

but

didn't know how to do it right.  Some people don't realize they come across as

pushy.   It's hard to figure out a stranger, but the thing with stranger is,

you

probably will never see them again.

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, March 20, 2011 5:08:23 PM

Subject: I don't want to be a magnet!

 

So yesterday I was at the store looking for something. I'd asked for help and

was talking to a store employee about it. So this woman appears says she's

looking for the same thing. Starts dominating the conversation, the store

employee excuses herself, and I keep trying to turn back to look at my choices.

The lady won't stop talking, starts oversharing stuff about her life to me,

starts telling me inaccurate information about the items I'm looking at

distracting me from reading the labels. I hastily pick something which now I

regret and have to return today - she picks the same thing and starts following

me down the aisle continuing to talk a mile-a-minute at me! I realize this and

say oops I need to go pick up something on the opposite side of the store, and

high tail it in the opposite direction.

I was left with two conflicting feelings after this. What the hell am I, a

magnet for these people??? I mean the store is huge and most of those aisles

were empty - it freaks me out. And also maybe I was just an unfriendly bitch who

has become paranoid.

Right now I'm thinking it was just a random encounter with a pushy person who

was just hungry to talk to someone, but it leaves me feeling a little uneasy

because this isn't the first time it's happened. It's a bit of a nada echo

because my nada is the intrusive/insensitive type with me.

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

Annie, I think you may be misunderstanding me or I might not have put all the

detail in. I wasn't intimidated or afraid of this woman - I felt like she was

clinging on to me and being inappropriate. She kept talking after I made a few

normal attempts to end the conversation and began following me as I was walking

away. I have read the Gift of Fear (agree awesome book) and *was* listening to

my intuition...it was my intuition that told me to hurry up pick an item and end

the conversation pronto. Also my intuition told me don't let her walk with me

away from the aisle to keep talking at me all the way to the cash registers

which I believe she would have done. Actually I think I did the right thing.

I guess what I was really writing for advice on was how to avoid attracting that

type of interaction in the first place. I feel like there is some warning in

those initial first seconds of the conversation that I'm missing. Or is it just

part of normal life if you are friendly and responsive to people that eventually

some wacky people will appear as a matter of course?

>

> I've found that if I look someone in the eyes, smile, and say, something like

" OK, that's great, but hang on just a sec and I'll get right back to

you. " ...that gets me the space/time I need without the other person feeling

rejected. Its just being assertive. Its not rude or mean, its just saying " one

moment please " while you deal with the issue you need to deal with, then return

your attention to the other person. Its the looking them in the eye, making

that human connection, and genuinely smiling that makes it not rude.

>

> Most of the time when people have been kind of intrusive with me I didn't get

the feeling that they were being deliberately rude or aggressive, really. Most

of the time I got the impression that they were just lonely or kind of clueless,

or perhaps frantic/agitated/in a BIG hurry, but I've seldom had the impression

that someone was trying to intimidate me. (Well, as an adult. In elementary

school and high school I often felt that others were being deliberately hostile

to me.) After a while you can kind of sense when a person is being just being

kind of like a large (annoying) puppy or if there is some kind of hostility

there.

>

> If indeed someone is being hostile, aggressive or intimidating with you

(physically intimidating, or coming on to you sexually/touching you in an

inappropriate way) that's another issue. Then it may be a matter of safety to

simply drop what you're doing and leave, (while managing to not look scared) or

tell the individual to " Back off " in a firm way. That's a judgment call only

you can make at the time.

> Safety first, sez I.

>

> I recommend the book " The Gift of Fear " by Gavin de Becker to help get back in

touch with your natural intuition, that sense that helps you read and trust the

subtle, subliminal signals that manipulative people give off. As KOs, we've had

our self-defensive radar knocked out of commission. Time to get it back in

operating order, sez I.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ah! OK, that's good: I'm glad your intuition is fully functioning and you

didn't feel intimidated by this woman. But, I don't think you can avoid this

kind of interaction. Overly-friendly people just happen from time to time. It

happens to me too, every now and then. Perhaps a more " medium chill " mind-set

would work for you in this circumstance. Just polite and neutral, not engaging.

i.e.: " You seem like a nice person, but I'm in an awful hurry just now. Its

been nice talking with you, though. 'bye now. "

-Annie

> >

> > I've found that if I look someone in the eyes, smile, and say, something

like " OK, that's great, but hang on just a sec and I'll get right back to

you. " ...that gets me the space/time I need without the other person feeling

rejected. Its just being assertive. Its not rude or mean, its just saying " one

moment please " while you deal with the issue you need to deal with, then return

your attention to the other person. Its the looking them in the eye, making

that human connection, and genuinely smiling that makes it not rude.

> >

> > Most of the time when people have been kind of intrusive with me I didn't

get the feeling that they were being deliberately rude or aggressive, really.

Most of the time I got the impression that they were just lonely or kind of

clueless, or perhaps frantic/agitated/in a BIG hurry, but I've seldom had the

impression that someone was trying to intimidate me. (Well, as an adult. In

elementary school and high school I often felt that others were being

deliberately hostile to me.) After a while you can kind of sense when a person

is being just being kind of like a large (annoying) puppy or if there is some

kind of hostility there.

> >

> > If indeed someone is being hostile, aggressive or intimidating with you

(physically intimidating, or coming on to you sexually/touching you in an

inappropriate way) that's another issue. Then it may be a matter of safety to

simply drop what you're doing and leave, (while managing to not look scared) or

tell the individual to " Back off " in a firm way. That's a judgment call only

you can make at the time.

> > Safety first, sez I.

> >

> > I recommend the book " The Gift of Fear " by Gavin de Becker to help get back

in touch with your natural intuition, that sense that helps you read and trust

the subtle, subliminal signals that manipulative people give off. As KOs, we've

had our self-defensive radar knocked out of commission. Time to get it back in

operating order, sez I.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>